Take a look at KinkAcademy dot com. This is a powerful educational resource with over 2000 videos on most common kink topics. These are class like videos taught by some of the most respected bdsm educators. I have attended many live classes with these same instructors. This is the next best thing to attending a live weekend kink event.
Learn as much as you can. A lot of good advice has been given. Recently a friend of ours, a single male who've we've had threesomes with, expressed an interest in learning more about BDSM. He was aware of my status of being my husbands sub. Now we know him extremely well, I've been fucking him for a couple of years. He asked my husband to teach him as his girlfriend expressed an interest in BDSM. My husband gave him several books to read, as he talked about an hour to him about establishing trust and the responsibilities of the Dom. He explained to him the control a Dom must exhibit and how well he must understand the subs wants and desires to conduct a good scene. We then scheduled a night to meet where I would be used for his instruction.
When he got to our home he found me in our playroom, blindfolded, bound, collared and waiting for my husband and him. He had never seen me like this before. My Master instructed him on different ways to warm me up. Different techniques he could use. He explained to him that he needed to remember what I responded to the most, what areas were most sensitive. For my part I was thoroughly enjoying it, but quickly begging for more, although didn't get my way. Then he was given a course on bondage techniques, different positions and how to quickly change them, what was safe, what required special care. Then he was taught how to use a flogger. How to tease, different ways to strike, what areas were most special to be careful with, what could cause intense pain, what I found most pleasurable. I came twice as he learned the flogger. Then the riding crop. I got hurt a little during this lesson, but he quickly caught on. We spent 4 hours in our dungeon that first lesson. He was very thankful to my husband, I was a very well pleased slut.
His first session with his girlfriend was a great success. He's had several more since then and he's had two more sessions with us. His girlfriend has become his collared slave. So be careful, learn what your doing, and enjoy yourselves. It can really heighten the senses, or If approached without caution be a disaster.
The only thing I would add to Easlymans answer would be, that when you are reading, pay attention to the safety issues, where not to spank, how tight is too tight in various places, proper care and sanitation of toys, etc. The what to do part for a couple is fairly intuitive the safety parts are sometimes not so.
OK, I’m going to throw in my two cents worth. I don’t consider myself an ‘expert’ but my first experience with BDSM was with my first wife 40 years ago. We hadn’t heard of BDSM, we were just doing what we enjoyed. I’ve been interested and have experimented a fair bit over the years. Basically the other comments I see here sound like people who are in the lifestyle, while what I’m hearing from you is you’re experimenting. From what you said, I’m betting that you might try the BDSM occasionally as a change of sexual taste. If that is the case, just do what you both like. You can read a bunch of books if you like, but start out just talking. Talk about what little ideas turn you on. If one of you is turned on by being helpless, have the other restrain you, whatever you BOTH enjoy.
One thing that helps is to truly be able to ‘act out the fantasy’. When you’re absorbed in a good book, does it seem like you’re there, actually taking part in the story? That’s a good imagination and in a role play you ‘become’ the role. The best stage actors (and actresses) when they step onto the stage they become the character and the stage, the characters and the play become the real world for the duration of the play. When Ruby and I would do a role play, Ruby and Don weren’t there, it was just Master and his slave slut as we acted out what turned us on.
Read some books, find some good information, but really do what the two of you want. Spend some time just tossing ideas and thoughts back and forth, little things that have crossed your mind and interest you. Don’t look for the outside world to control what you do.
Maintaining trust while exploring limits is essential. If you can't trust your dominant to keep you safe (physically, mentally and emotionally) during your time together chances are you will not be open to exploring those limits again.
Surprises are not sexy for everyone. Always communicate if you are going to try something new and make sure that both of you are comfortable with it before going forward.
Nothing worse than attempting something new and having the other person completely shut down because they didn't see it coming. Consent is necessary.
Oooh, congratulations!! So much exciting times ahead for you two!!
Are you looking to be Topped or Dommed, or both? Topping is the doing. Domming is the controlling. Domming and Topping often go together, but they are different. Play with these two aspects and hot play will happen.
Know the hard and soft limits before connecting and bonding. Bondage, ticking, penetrating, impact, markings, etc. Play safely below these limits. This builds trust. Soft limits you are allowed to talk about pushing. Like, if a soft limit is a threesome, tie her up and get her into the desired head space. Then check outside for the other person. Maybe open the drapes or the front door. Go into the bathroom and pretend to call the other (nonexistant) person and ask how much longer until they are there. Tell the (nonexistant) person the door is unlocked. Park down the streeet and come in. You are in the back bedroom on the left. This is a fun safe way to push soft limits.
If knives/sharps are a soft limit, lay out a rambo knife. Tie your person up, blindfold them. Let them feel the weight and the cold of the knife. Then use a chilled butter knife, demand your person hold very still, and rub the ice cold butter knife gently on their skin. Again, pretty darn safe, but getting into their head.
The hard limits are fun, just don't push those. Pushing limits has the opposite effect. They make people stay aware and in the moment worried that they have to protect themselves.
My best advise is to always start each "scene" by connecting emotionally. For me, this usually entails my hands out, holding a collar, with my partner's hands on mine. We breath together. Then I will tell him the intentions of the collar or the desired flavor of scene (Dirty little slut, treasured play toy, luved obedient puppy, etc). Sometimes I add time restraints like for twenty minutes or for the whole day. Once he agrees, he is mine.
In my opinion the D/s relationship, or Master slave, wherever on the continuum you fall, is unique to each relationship. Nothing fits a pattern, except for "scenes" which if that's what you are about, and plenty are, it works for what it is. In other words, if your dom sub is just about playing that way in the moment, I guess that can be awfully sexually gratifying. For us, it goes deeper, into a place that is filled with her absolute trust in me to make any decision, to do anything i want with, or to her, without her hesitation. A complete feeling of freedom to let go, to open herself.........and the responsibility I have to match her trust, is to maintain a respect for her that equals that trust she has for me. A sense of responsibility, to care for my "property" as if it were me. I know this gets heady, and i don't mean to sound corny, but we have reached a level of depth in understanding each other's needs, through our D/s connection, that i just don't think we would have had we not gone down this path.....and the strangest thing about it is that neither of us had been in any kind of D/s relationship prior to this....a little spanking now and then, but nothing serious. We are always available to talk about this. A&K
Thank you all the advice, we will look into the books and I guess just keep doing what we are doing. We will try to keep in touch with our progress if your interested. I did try the chat rooms but it seem kind of slow.
Thanks again
There are some basic BDSM books. "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" provides a good insight to some of the dimensions of the lifestyle. "Loving Dominant" provides another aspect of the lifestyle. These are both print good reference matter. "Ethical Slut" is another good one. There are many aspects to the BDSM lifestyle and it's as variable as the folks that are involved, and the hundreds of different activities that can occur in the lifestyle. A couple of mportant point to remember in your explorations is " Safe, Same, Consensual" ; " Your KINK is your link,My KINK is my Kink and that is OK!" Basically progress at a comfortable place for you both and COMMUNICATE Honestly. There are a number of well established BDSM organizations in your area. These organizations have seminars and lectures available. There are also a number of lifestyle clubs. Trust is important and your intimation is still valid. Enjoy your Adventures and Explorations in your Expanding Lifestyle. Violet wand can be fun and most enjoy .
Most self-described doms aren't actually intrinsically dominant and sadly mistaken about what constitutes dominance, so are more likely to spoil your intro to kink than to enhance it. Just keep playing amongst yourselves, use the many, many resources available on line and in books about BDSM and eventually you'll find a partner in crime who can legitimately enhance your experience.
NORM????
Step lightly as your spirit leads.
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We are starting to explore BDSM as a part of our adult erotic fun. Do we start with role playing much as we have. I’m the slave girl and my husband the master sells me to our friend and they both enjoy me. Or should we seek a real Dom out to show us what is more the BDSM norm. We are open to all ideas.
