Welcome to "That Other Lifestyle Podcast," hosted by Jason. In this episode, inspired by a listener's email, Jason delves into the intriguing intersection of neurodivergence and the lifestyle. Discover how individuals on the spectrum and those with ADHD navigate and enrich the lifestyle community.
Jason shares personal insights and research, discussing the challenges and strengths of neurodivergent individuals within this unique social sphere. From handling chaos and sensory overload to the benefits of clear communication and safe spaces, this episode provides valuable considerations for anyone contemplating the lifestyle, neurodivergent or not.
With a mix of humor and heartfelt advice, Jason emphasizes inclusivity and understanding, ensuring everyone feels welcome and validated. Tune in to explore how the lifestyle can be a haven for self-expression and connection, regardless of neurological differences.
My links:
www.thatotherlifestyle.com
www.risquelifestyleparties.com
www.nationallifestyleweekend.com
Naughty in New Orleans 2025 Tickets
https://members.naughty-events.com/events/65424/orders/new?promoter_id=662779
https://thatotherlifestyle.podia.com/single-men-in-the-lifestyle
https://beacons.ai/thatotherlifestyle
Transcript
good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you are i hope you have blue skies let's talk about a deep topic today welcome to that other lifestyle podcast i am your host jason leave vanilla behind as we dive into the lifestyle this episode was inspired by an email from a listener thank you very much for reaching out the listener The listener shared that he was on the spectrum. Didn't elaborate, didn't give me a whole lot of details, which is fine. The email inspired me though. I had one of those, oh yeah, what about that moments that got me thinking and researching and then writing.
So today, let's talk about neurodivergent people and the lifestyle. Want to dip your toes into the lifestyle or make the switch to a new adult social site? You can find a link to sign up for a trial account of SDC on my website, thatofthelifestyle.com. The single men's guide to the lifestyle is out and for sale. All you single sexy dudes. You want to jump into the lifestyle and have no idea where to start? I got you. I got a whole course that would teach you all the secrets, all the tips, all the tricks, and everything that it would take you years to learn on your own.
Buy the course, skip that whole newbie phase, and go straight to experienced. The link is on my website, betterthelifestyle.com. Another note, I am working on a new course, everybody, The Men's Guide to Flirting in the Lifestyle. So we do things differently in the lifestyle. Y'all know that, including flirting. I hear from a lot of guys who join the LS. They don't remember how to flirt, or maybe they never learned how. I'm putting together a course right now that's going to help. I have a lot of feedback from all my lovely lady friends and a lot of really good information in there.
This course is going to help you have confidence, hold a conversation, and become a master flirter. One last note, I promise. National Lifestyle Weekend will be in Las Vegas, July 19th through the 21st, 2025. All the details are available at sdc.com. Three hotel takeovers, topless pools, so many after parties. As of this morning while I'm writing this script, we have over 11,000 people have RSVP'd. This will be the largest gathering of lifestyle people ever on the planet. Tickets are now on sale at nationallifestyleweekend.com, all one word.
Currently, there's an early bird discount on those tickets that's going to last for a few more weeks. Please note this podcast is intended only for adults. It is not safe for work, y'all. We will talk about adult or sexual topics, and I'm going to cuss a lot. This content is for entertainment purposes only, and again, only for those over 18 years of age. I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance.
For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I am sharing. This podcast is for everyone though, no matter your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living. Everyone is welcome no matter how you personally experience a lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy. I always use the same disclaimer, been doing it since I started. I figure all those words cover all the bases and conversations and they help to welcome everyone to the show.
Today though, my disclaimer and those words have a special meaning. I believe the lifestyle is inclusive. I believe there is a place for everyone in the lifestyle who wants and is able to mentally able and mentally prepared to join. I believe everyone can experience the freedom of expression offered by the LS even if you never have sex. The lifestyle is so much more than sex. We are a community, we are a culture, and we're a way of being that should be open to everyone who wants to walk with us. And with that, I want to talk about being neurodivergent and being in the lifestyle.
We need to define, though, what I mean when I say neurodivergent. This is straight from the Cleveland Clinic, quote, neurodivergent is a non-medical term that describes people whose brains develop or work differently for some reason. This means the person has different strengths and struggles from people whose brains develop or work more typically. While some people who are neurodivergent have medical conditions, it also happens to people where a medical condition or diagnosis hasn't been identified.
The term neurodivergent describes people whose brain differences affects how their brains work. That means they have different strengths and challenges from people whose brains don't have those differences. The possible differences can include medical disorders, learning disabilities, and other conditions. The possible strengths include better memory, being able to mentally picture 3D objects as easily, the ability to solve complex mathematical calculations in their head, and many more. Neurodivergent is not a medical term.
Instead, it's a way to describe people using words other than normal and abnormal. I'm adding air quotes to those. That's important because there's no single definition of normal, again with air quotes, for how the human brain works. The word for people who aren't neurodivergent is neurotypical. That means their strengths and challenges aren't affected by any kind of difference that changes how their brains work. End quote. That's a lot of words. What does that have to do with the lifestyle? Stick with me. I, Jason, am neurotypical.
I do have experience with neurodivergence as my lovely, wonderful wife, the center of my universe, has full-blown ADHD. She did not get diagnosed until she was 35, and suddenly, so much made more sense. She falls into the high achiever, lots of coping mechanisms category. I never noticed. She never noticed. No one growing up ever noticed. Her own mother seemed to reject that label. Once we had a name though, we could learn, we could research, and so many of the things that make my wife special. Yeah, that's ADHD. So I'm familiar as someone who is married to someone who is neurodivergent.
My wife says before the diagnosis, she had 16 lanes of traffic going through her brain at all times. With the right medications and treatments, we got it down to four lanes. Woohoo! That highlights that neurodivergent is not a bad thing. With her ADHD though, she has superpowers. Watch someone with ADHD hyper-focus and go into their zone, they can move mountains. Or in my wife's case, repaint half the house in one night. There is a balance to the universe. Being neurodivergent should not be stigmatized. The conversation around it should be normalized.
We in the lifestyle already live far outside the norms that in no way should we ever stigmatize anyone for anything, especially the way their brains are constructed and wired. That's the nuance of neurodivergent people. It's the brain. Their brains are wired differently. Not in a bad way, just different. We're not going to use the labels normal and abnormal at all. Speaking from an evolutionary perspective, I can see the value of ADHD to our cave people ancestors. Having someone who can notice every little detail of the world around them, that would be super valuable.
Unfortunately, our current world, the modern world, is built for neurotypical people. The best example is school. Kids are expected to sit still for hours, listen attentively, and absorb information. People who are new are divergent. Doing all that is super hard, but the world is built this way to serve the neurotypical population. I see parallels between that situation and the lifestyle versus vanilla dynamic. The vanilla world wants us and makes us conform to a certain expression of adult life. Standard issue marriage, standard issue social life, standard basic standard.
You go through all the motions and at some point you will be rewarded for your dedication to the vanilla life with, I don't know, I couldn't think of a decent example right here. Lifestyle though is a deviant, is a deviation from the norm. We express ourselves differently in the lifestyle. We reject so many social norms just right out the gate. That does make the vanilla world uncomfortable. So the vanilla world will try to make us sit down, shut up, and go through the motions just like when we were in school.
I cannot possibly cover all the different ways that neurodivergent people express themselves. I can't do it. I decided I will focus on two of the most prevalent, autism and ADHD. For my sake and clarity, this is going to be the last time I use the word autism. I prefer the term on the spectrum because it is a spectrum, and I think those who are on the spectrum prefer to say on the spectrum, and I want to be respectful of that. It is estimated between 15 to 20 percent of the global population could be neurodivergent.
Logically, with all those people, some of them will end up in the lifestyle or thinking about doing the lifestyle. Granted, there are other expressions of neurodivergence besides ADHD and being on the spectrum. This isn't to exclude anyone. But for my sake and providing some semblance of order, I'm just going to talk about those two. The discussion around this topic could take hours or days, and we ain't got that kind of time. I can revisit this topic in the future, though, if people want. I at least want to offer a chance to start a conversation about this.
The lifestyle can be sexy, there can be sex and fuckery, but we also need to look at the human side of this hobby. We are all individuals brought together by very common bonds, and everyone brings something different with them. I always say that lifestyle is and should be inclusive of everyone, regardless of race or gender or background or even neurological uniqueness. I don't want anyone to feel minimized ever. I want everyone to be seen and know they are valid.
What that means is acknowledging that some people are neurotypical, some people are neurodivergent, some people don't know what the hell they are, and that's okay. You're valid. I'm acknowledging that. If you are on the spectrum, and y'all, you know if you are, and you know what I mean by that, deciding to join the lifestyle is a highly personal question I cannot answer for you or influence you one way or another. I ain't encouraging anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with.
I can list out considerations that I know other people are not talking about, and you can decide for yourself. I'm not a psychologist, as I've said many times before. I ain't a therapist. I ain't certified in anything. This is, as always, my own experience and my own perspective on these topics. You are free to make your own choices. I want everyone to be informed. I want everyone to be informed of all the different considerations that need to be considered. That's some really good writing right there, Jason.
As I was researching this episode, I found articles that looked at neurodivergent people through the lens of polyamory or through kink or BDSM. There were no articles really that specifically looked at being on the spectrum through the lens of the lifestyle. If you are on the spectrum, you know whether the lifestyle is even an option for you. I can share what I can, but this is a personal decision you have to make and I am not encouraging anyone one way or the other.
Let me run through aspects of the lifestyle that I think could help you make the decision or bring to light aspects you may not have thought of. The very first thing I would say, not just to a neurodivergent person, to anyone who is considering joining the lifestyle in any capacity, single or married. You have to be comfortable saying yes or no clearly. There will be times where you may not want to engage in an activity with someone else. You need to be able to say no clearly. Do not feel obligated to say yes.
Do not let anyone pressure you into saying yes or agreeing to something that you are uncomfortable with. You need to be able to say yes when you want to say yes, no when you want to say no. I cannot emphasize this enough. You must have the skills to communicate clearly and directly if you're considering joining the lifestyle. Next consideration, chaos. Glorious chaos. Going to be honest here, lifestyleestyle people, we are all super flaky. I don't know why. Vanilla life gets in the way. Things happen. Shit happens. Plans go sideways. Are you okay with that?
Knowing, going into this, that people may not always be able to make plans or follow through with plans. There is very little routine in this hobby. Every weekend is a different social engagement, a different date, a new couple. There is a lot of randomness. At a party, you may be approached by a couple, make plans, and then they ghost you. It happens. There must be flexibility in your approach to this hobby. Do not let the randomness of other people bother you either. Do not take this personally.
Know that this is a hobby, a second life, a fun adventure for most people, and their vanilla life will always take precedence. It's nothing personal against you. The lifestyle is chaotic by nature. People will come and go. People will join and drop out of the lifestyle every day for their own reasons that have nothing to do with you. It happens. Even personal relationships can be chaotic. Finally, under chaos, we are going to throw in every party and event out there. Parties can be loud, very loud, lots of people, lots of people moving constantly and bouncing around. Are you okay with that?
Nothing stands still for long and in the lifestyle going along with chaos is sensory explosions this is beyond sensory overload parties and events even house parties can be very loud and got flashing lights and they will assault every sense you have the smell of sex after people have been fucking in a closed room for a couple of hours, which that smell can just get deep up in the nose. Even sitting on the beach can be overwhelming if everyone is talking at the same time. Are you okay with that? Can you handle being around multiple people making noise at one time?
And keeping the sensory explosion metaphor going, sex. Sex is a sensory explosion. The sensations and the noises and the smells and the sounds and the visuals, all of that can be overwhelming for people. As I was doing research for this episode, there are a lot of articles connecting being on the spectrum and BDSM. I don't know if it's just the bias of the articles I found or a legitimate preference for those on the spectrum, but BDSM and kink are way more popular than the lifestyle, acknowledging that there is a difference between these communities.
My takeaway and working theory on this is BDSM by its nature, it's very controlled and orderly. It is easier to know what is coming next, less surprises as BDSM encounters and scenes are discussed ahead of time and agreed upon. Going into a scene, there will be discussions about safety and sequence. I can see the appeal for a person who enjoys having more rigidity and control in the lifestyle. That may not be a possibility. You meet a couple at a sex club, 10 minutes later, y'all are naked in a room and about to bang it out. There's not much conversation about this. And that's it.
We don't sit there and say, well, this and then this, and then we're going to do this, and then we're going to do this. No, it's just fucking. You have to be able to go with a flow in that situation. You could talk it out ahead of time. Realistically, yes, that's a possibility. In practice, though, I have not seen that happen much. People know how to fuck and they just get to it. It is a personal decision to join the lifestyle. I want to give some foundation for conversations and questions and considerations that no one else may have mentioned to you yet.
There are benefits to the lifestyle though. The biggest one that jumped to my mind quickly when I was ideating, I think that's a word, ideating this episode was the communication. To the credit of everyone in the lifestyle, we communicate really well. Consent to proceed requires verbal confirmation. There is no or shouldn't be any plain coy about anything. We should expect and need direct consent, yes or no, enthusiastically to proceed. If you are the type of person who has trouble reading social cues and subtle body language, the need for verbal communication could be a really good thing.
You will know if you can proceed based on clear intent, not just someone making sexy eyes or flirting with you. We use our words. We should use our words, and this is a huge positive for anyone on the spectrum. Another benefit is that we establish safe sex practices ahead of time. We communicate on whether to use condoms or risk mitigation. Again, a good benefit for anyone who may have trouble interpreting interpersonal communication. You know, heading into an encounter, what to expect, what are the guidelines and operating procedures.
And, oh yeah, I saw this recommendation and I need to share it. Have a safe word. Generally, encounters in the LS, we don't have safe words. This is great in concept, but meh, we don't use them as we tend to just engage in fuckery, standard issue fuckery. Safe words tend to be more applicable for BDSM or kink. I recommend you need a safe word in order to stop something that could be pushing your boundaries. As we usually just engage in sex, people can usually just say no or stop. That's valid in stance.
If you're on the spectrum though, I recommend communicating with a potential couple ahead of time that y'all mutually establish a safe word like mustard or moose knuckle in case you need it. If you're overwhelmed or need a break, you can just use the safe word, mustard, to stop everything and take a moment for yourself. When you pick a safe word, pick something that you are not likely to just yell out in random conversation. I like mustard, moose knuckle because it takes a couple syllables to say that. Pick a good safe word.
I'm doing much better with my segues today because from safe words, we go to safe spaces. In the lifestyle, we can create around us safe spaces of personal expression. Yes, that personal expression may mean going topless and titties, which are fantastic, but it still counts. We create spaces that allow people to drop the vanilla bullshit and be themselves. These spaces could be very beneficial for someone on the spectrum. Knowing that you are in a safe environment, supported, where people accept you for who and what you are without question is a powerful benefit of the lifestyle.
And speaking to my friends who may be on the spectrum, if you are comfortable with the aspects of the lifestyle I pointed out and you're able to make the decision freely and consciously, then yeah, you're going to be welcome to the lifestyle. Again, you don't have to have sex with anyone to just hang out with us. People will treat you with respect because we treat everyone with respect. Woohoo! Topic change too. Let's talk about ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADD.
If you have ADHD, which that's the acronym I'm going to run with because it's easier to say, there's nothing wrong with you. You have a fucking superpower. Be proud of it. It's the neurotypical world that has the problem. As I mentioned earlier, my wife, my love of my life, she has ADHD. She is still the same wonderful woman I fell in love with and married all those years ago. Now we know that some of her quirks and uniqueness, they're ADHD. I don't know why, but just an observation, I have seen so many, so many couples in the lifestyle where one partner has ADHD.
Now that I educated myself on it, I can peg it pretty well. I don't know why. It always seems to be like one partner's ADHD, one partner's neurotypical. I don't know. Fun note, if you look up ADHD and swinging online, apparently the act of swinging, as in sitting in a swing and literally swinging, is very therapeutic for those with ADHD. So see, I can teach you stuff that isn't about sex. I feel the lifestyle is super attractive to those with ADHD. There is zero research on the prevalence of ADHD in the lifestyle, probably because no one has ever noticed it before.
But I'm pointing out to you now, and now you can't unnotice it. As my wife pointed out, we don't know how many people are in the lifestyle that are out there, so cross-checking that against those who have ADHD would be impossible. One of the causes of ADHD is, for a lack of a better way of saying it, a dopamine deficiency or ill-regulated dopamine production in the brain. And there's also different kinds of ADHD too. I'm going with like the super general overview here because getting into the weeds of that would take forever.
And you know what causes dopamine production in the brain that gives you a little hit of dopamine? Sex, novelty, new people, new experiences, new relationship energy. Oh look, now it all makes perfect sense. I ain't a doctor, so don't come at me for my oversimplification of all this, but I think there's something to it. The lifestyle provides a novel and safe way to boost dopamine through our interactions, sexual or non-sexual.
With that said, the natural impulsiveness of those with ADHD can lead to risky behavior in the lifestyle, like forgoing condoms or escalating encounters in ways that a spouse may not agree with or may not discuss ahead of time because they're on a dopamine high and want to keep it running. For those with ADHD, the lifestyle can provide an excellent way of generating positive energy in their lives, but it can also generate negative energy. On the positive side, there is something called new relationship energy from Wikipedia because it had the most concise definition.
New relationship energy are or NRE, also commonly known as the honeymoon phase, is the state of mind experience at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. NRE begins with the earliest attractions, may grow into full force when mutuality is established and can fade over months or years. The term indicates contrast to those feelings aroused in an old or ongoing relationship. End quote. It is not that people with ADHD get bored or fall out of love with their partners. Not that at all.
But that rush of NRE is a big draw and a big dopamine booster. But on the con side, when that energy runs out, that is a potential landmine for then having to chase the next hit of NRE. Another con is chasing that high you get from sexual encounters. ADHD and hypersexuality go hand in hand. This ain't nymphomania, which may not even be real. This is when the desire and the need to engage in sex leads to constant and debilitating thoughts and actions that could be risky for a person.
With every high though, can come a crash and those with ADHD can be particularly susceptible to the emotional and physical crashes of the lifestyle. A superpower for those with ADHD, though. In the right frame of mind, y'all can be the life of a party. Your superpowers kick in, you process social data at lightning speeds. Communicating with everyone, you can talk to everyone at a party four times over with boundless energy. And finally, on the topic of ADHD, I need to mention rejection sensitivity. Not all people with ADHD have this. Some people have it who don't have ADHD.
It's a thing to look it up, but I want to let everyone know what it is. From the Cleveland Clinic again, quote, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, RSD, is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can't regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense. How does this manifest? What the fuck am I talking about?
People with ADHD can have a hard time handling rejection of any kind, physical, emotional, friendly rejection. So maybe you have a friend with ADHD and they suggest that y'all go to a restaurant for dinner. You tell them you don't want to go to that restaurant as you went to it earlier that day and you suggest a different restaurant. For those with rejection sensitivity, what they could hear and experience is that you are rejecting their idea, which means you are rejecting them, and therefore do not like them. This is a gross oversimplification, y'all.
I know, but I'm trying to boil all these concepts down in an easy digest little format that works well for audio. If you have rejection sensitivity, be aware if someone disagrees with you, they are not rejecting you personally. They still like you. It is not about disagreeing with you or turning you down. There may be a reason for them not wanting to go with your idea, a perfectly valid reason. On the flip side, if you know someone has rejection sensitivity, it is fucking real. You know it is real. Let them down easily. Do not insult. Do not be mean.
My imaginary ADHD having person in this situation, remember they are a person. They are investing their emotions in suggesting that restaurant to you, which they may feel vulnerable by doing that. you may think, oh, it's just picking a restaurant to eat at, but for them, there's a lot more to it. Be understanding of the feelings of others. They are investing themselves into that suggestion, investing their self-confidence and need for connection with you. If you are neurotypical and listening and thinking, what the hell does that mean is just picking a restaurant? You're right.
It is just picking a restaurant to you. To them, it is different. It goes back to the whole their brains are wired differently. Hoping it's starting to make sense now. Rejection happens in the lifestyle. Couples are going to reject other couples. It can be as polite as a not right now response, or it could just be a no. Please don't think you have to say yes to someone that you don't want to to spare their feelings. I'm not saying that. I am saying that if you do turn someone down, don't be a dick about it. Realize that this other person worked up the courage to ask.
You are free to respond however you want, but you don't have to be a jerk. This next bit, it applies to everyone, not just the neurodivergent. Y'all, the lifestyle can be overwhelming. Ain't gonna lie about that. Between the texting and interactions and parties and sex, it can be a lot. If you are the type of person who has small social batteries or limited mental bandwidth, hell, if you have a stressful busy job, staying on top of all the lifestyle social scene can be a lot to deal with. I recommend focusing on the aspects you enjoy and don't worry about doing everything.
Let's say you are the kind of person who really likes parties and you're not a fan of texting. No problem at all. Focus on the parties. Be forthcoming with other couples and tell them up front. You're just not a big texter or chatter. You prefer in-person interactions. Nothing personal. You just don't have the time or bandwidth to chat all day. This applies doubly for neurodivergent people. I know it can be hard to focus for those with ADHD and those on the spectrum.
There may be feelings of regret or judgment thinking that people are unhappy with you for not being as present as you want or if you burn out trying to appease everyone or in participating in everything in the lifestyle. There may be, you may think people are judging you for that. It's okay. No one can possibly handle everything the lifestyle throws at them. You just can't. This hobby will suck up every extra moment you have and not care. Some people have slow jobs and they can text all day. Some people have commitments like kids, which require a lot of time.
It is okay to tell other people that you do not have the bandwidth to always participate in the shenanigans of the lifestyle. Sometimes the lifestyle, it is going to burn you out. This is normal. You hit all the notes, you do all the things, and then you hit a wall. You burn out. This hobby can be really taxing. If you find yourself in that situation, take a break. If you're at a party and it's too much, take a break and go decompress. If the chatting and communication is too much, take a break and disconnect. If the interpersonal relationships are too much, take a break and step back.
You and your spouse are in full control of how you experience the lifestyle and no one can or should tell you that you have to do it a certain way. To the neurotypicals out there, there are neurodivergent people in the lifestyle. They are diagnosed. There are undiagnosed people in the lifestyle who have a slightly different way of interacting with other people, different way of viewing the world, and different way of conforming to societal norms. But they are valid and they need your grace and patience. For some people, like eye contact can be difficult.
For others, maybe they're not good at reading body language or tonal inflection, but the lifestyle should be inclusive of those who believe that they can manage it, inclusive of those who feel comfortable participating, and inclusive of those who may see the world differently. To everyone out there, social interaction can be intimidating, even for neurotypical people. Look, here's the truth. Everyone is weird. I said it. Everyone thinks that they are the weirdest person in the room. Everyone suffers from some kind of social anxiety, be it a little bit or a lot.
Everyone worries that they will say something stupid in a conversation or turn off another couple just by being themselves. Every single person has these thoughts. It is normal. One of the great secrets of life. Everyone thinks they themselves are the weirdest person in the room, and no one has a fucking clue what we're doing. Nobody knows how to be an adult in this world. We are all stumbling through life, trying to keep our shit together long enough to make it to the weekend and relax. We are adults. We should not judge others at the fuck all. We should be accepting of others.
No, that does not mean you have to fuck every person you meet, but you can be cordial and kind. It costs nothing to be kind. Understanding is free. If another person says they need to take a step back to decompress, let them have the time. Do not feel ashamed or guilty for taking the time you need to get your mental health straight ever, especially in the lifestyle. Step back, take the time you need, and the lifestyle is still going to be here. I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so please reach out to me.
Single guys, listen to me on any of my course. Go to thatotherlifestyle.com for more information. My personal disclaimer, which is very apropos for this episode, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only, and please join us for the next episode. Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you were appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
