Aftercare

Transcript

Speaker1: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Hey, wherever you are, I hope you have blue skies right now, a breeze on your back, maybe sand between your toes. Welcome to the Other Lifestyle Podcast. I'm your host, Jason. Leave vanilla behind as we talk about aftercare. This show is for adults only. We will talk about sex, relationships, the lifestyle, and ethical non-monogamy in an honest way with lots of real talk. If you were under 18, this is kind of important. Stop the and listening to my show. Around here on the beaches of sexual freedom, consent, education, and good times, everyone is welcome. Lifestyle, vanilla, or just the curious. Whatever your gender identity, expression, truth, flavor, whatever you do for fun, and wherever you stick it, you are welcome here. I will do my best to use inclusive language so you may hear words like husband or wife or man or woman to keep things simple. You want to connect, you can send me an email to host at thatotherlifestyle.com. Go to my website, thatotherlifestyle.com, and go to stdhero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order. It helps out the show too. Testing takes the community to make a difference so get STI tested and be safe out there and I highly recommend using stdhero.com. They are fabulous people. For the best lifestyle parties check out risque lifestyle parties.com. We love their vibe attitude and always have fun and I promise you will too. If you were listening to this I am probably on a ship in the Caribbean Sea somewhere far from land having a blast. Really I'm hoping I am on board the ship at this point. Otherwise, I am stuck at the poor terminal and very fucking sad. This is one of the few times I said, Jason, yes, other Jason, you should write and produce an episode early and drop it so that way the audience of awesome people out there have something to listen to while you are surrounded by titties and margaritas. And I said, yes, other Jason, that is a good idea. After two years, I'm finally getting my shit together. We are on the fantasy cruise this week. I'm not going to talk about them a whole lot because they're not paying me to. But if you happen to be on the boat, and you hear this, come find us. We're going to be hanging out with the Risqué Lifestyle Tribe, so definitely you'll be able to find us. Give me a hug. Tell me you've listened to this show so I know I am not talking into the void every week. I may or may not do an episode next week for my two-year anniversary. I actually launched the show February 16th of 2024, and if you've been with me since the start, I appreciate you. It totally depends on how my happy ass is recovering from the cruise. It is going to take a week to recover from a week-long vacation. I had an idea that I have never talked about. A topic that no one really talks about outside of vague references in the lifestyle. And I asked a buddy about this topic and his reaction was just, huh, that is a thing, ain't it? Aftercare in the lifestyle. Wild fucking idea right there. It is 6 a.m. on a cold winter Sunday morning. The sun is fighting its way above the horizon with frost on the ground outside. A man sits at the kitchen table holding a warm cup of coffee in two hands. the only warmth he feels right now. Looking down at the black liquid. The kitchen is dark. He didn't want to turn on the lights. He wants to think. He wants to remember, but he can't. Not that he can't remember last night. No, last night, by any measure, was an amazing night. He and his wife had a great time. She was gushing about it on the way home. There was sex. Lots of sex. The people were nice. They ended up in the middle of a surprise orgy. One of those organic encounters that people like so much. It wasn't planned, it just happened. There were titties and he got off a couple of times, so yeah, it was a good night by any measure. Then why does he feel this way? Why is he hesitant to look at the thoughts in his own mind? He licks his lips like he is preparing to speak to no one, like he wants to let his mind speak finally. Articulation of motion creates connections in his mind. There was a moment, a weird moment, when he felt left out. Wish to any sane person observing last night makes no sense. He had a woman touching his body almost the whole time. But there was a time when he didn't. When he felt something. He felt distant from his wife, from everyone in the room. That feeling of being alone while surrounded. He was the note that did not match the melody. He was the person left out. Relegated to sitting on the couch watching someone get fucked next to him while he tugged ineffectively on his own flaccid dick. And he doesn't know what to do with this feeling. Last night was so intense. This morning feels flat. Why? Another time, two couples. A house this time, a bedroom. There's sex, and one of the people, a woman. There's a need after. The need for closeness, communion of flesh. She reaches for another, who's getting dressed. The man who gave of himself now puts on his pants. She looks at her husband, who's putting on his socks. She feels disconnected, and she wants to connect. She wants to cuddle. A woman walks in with a bottle of water, but that's not what the woman laying naked on the bed right now needs. The first man, he needs a fucking hug and a conversation. The other lady, she knows what she needs. Will she say it, though? Will she ever tell her husband what she wants after sex? Ever been in this spot? Ever? A cold Sunday morning looking around wondering, wanting to talk it out? Or the last person on the bed reaching for another person, anyone, to press their body against yours to help you mitigate the adrenaline crash. The intensity is gone. What now? Little moments of confusion or longing become big feelings. This is where we need to know about aftercare and the lifestyle. This is why we need to talk about it. People, our friends, our community, our associates, depending on how connections are measured, there's a need there inside of everyone. There's a real need that people have for aftercare of some type and no one talks about it. they're met with shame the lady who needs a cuddle somehow that's a weakness on her part or against the grain of the lifestyle we focus on the fucking right here sir the physical act and whatever after that well that's fuck it that's your spouse's problem or the guy who just needs a friend to talk out his feelings well shit that's another weakness on his part and he just can't handle this right how dare he have emotions in this yeah it's fucked up when you say all that out loud huh people train the lifestyle like a sanitized playground where anything beyond put dick and vagina is uncomfortable to deal with. No, we don't want to talk about that. The fact that we can be compassionate human beings and offer care to people after we have sex with them, after we've spent time with them using them for our own physical purposes, that's weird, right? Yeah, no. The concept of aftercare, it comes from the BDSM world. It is an intentional come down phase, the participants know what is expected of them after the last swing of a paddle, after the sub is taken off the hooks, after a particularly intense massage. Not all BDSM is impact, by the way. And for us as lifestyle, and yeah, I recognize the differences and similarities between our communities, after care looks different for everyone. It is sound and applicable, though, to the lifestyle. It's worth a discussion. It's worth a check-in. It's worth it to show our human side. It's worth it to fucking care. Just as the BDSM and lifestyle communities are different, aftercare looks different for everyone and that's okay. With BDSM, the experience is all intensity, all nervous system frying energy. Good practitioners of the craft, it is a craft, know this. This is the reason that after a person is paddled, there's a pause, a breath to let them settle and accept the next strike, not wailing on their ass cheeks. And hold up now, I need to talk. I need to do a rant right about here. I feel this may be relevant for the cruise I'm about to take on the moment because the last cruise we went on, there was a woman who did this shit and my wife and holy fuck, I thought my wife was going to fight her. Alright, don't come, don't, do not fucking paddle me or my wife. Do not hit me, motherfucker. It ain't cute. It ain't a way to introduce yourself through violence. I do not enjoy strangers sneaking up behind me and hitting me with an instrument or your hand. You can say hi like a normal fucking person. Lifestyle people, just because you have a paddle in your hand does not give you permission to paddle random people, okay? I've seen this shit and it is not fucking cool. We're at a party and then some dipshit, man or woman, has some cheap paddle off the internet that's like a piece of fucking cardboard covered in pleather with the word slut on it and then walk around smacking random people way too hard because I made a loud noise with no and no warning and no consent. Stop that shit. Okay? If you have to wind up, put your hips into it, it's too fucking hard, jackass. Ask permission, have some fucking control of yourself, and stop assaulting people. Okay, that was fun. Y'all have fun with that, right? All right, back to the topic. BDSM involves checking in and breaks in attention to the nervous system of the people involved. Submissive and DOMS can need and want aftercare. In the lifestyle terms, what we need to take away from this is is because people need time and care put into checking in after, reconnecting, settling our systems in our bodies, tending to our bodies and feelings. Because what we do for fun can leave you raw in more ways than one. It could be cuddles. I fucking love cuddles. Or sweet talk. Or compliments. Or people have physical needs like water and food. I fucking love mid-sex snacks. A hot shower, quiet time, debriefing, or even reclaim sex. Aftercare for us should be intentional reconnection with our spouses and ourselves and the people we just got done fucking, okay? After an experience. That's it. Everyone focuses so much on the dick on the vagina and doing more fucking and who is fucking who that people don't think about the after. Good aftercare is what helps couples stay in the lifestyle. That conversation the next morning, it can be powerful. Too damn powerful. If you start talking about what happened last night, if both people are still, and full of nerves from the night and high on adrenaline. The next morning for a new couple can be terrible if they are not in the right frame of mind. The ride home from your first time fucking another couple can be really weird. We had Burger King actually on the ride home after our first adventure. And when we started this, we had a tradition that we would get Burger King on the ride home every time. And we stopped doing that though because it's not very healthy. Before I go further, I want to reiterate. It is normal and natural after sex with all the chemicals and hormones and stuff running through our bodies. Some people want physical closeness to help temper those sensations. Other people do not fucking touch them at all. They will jump out of the bed and run to the bathroom. Neither answer is right, okay? For physical aftercare, just know what you like and what you need. That helps. Know if you are the kind of person who's going to pull someone else close to them or if you want everyone to just get the fuck away from you as you curl under a blanket. nor placed on other people when you don't communicate them. Boundaries should evolve forward, not backwards. Often there is this period when two couples get together where there is a first round of sex just to release that tension. It is hot, furious fucking. And then there's a lull. And then probably there's going to be a second round. That lull, I have had some of the most meaningful conversations of my life. Four people laying around naked talking. For me, that's the kind of because part of the things that I need for aftercare is making sure that everybody's okay, at least on a service level, because they're engaging with us in this conversation. Easy way for me to gauge where everyone is if we do this. Not to say it happens all the time. I get it. Many times people got to get home to babysitters or they have to get up the next day. I get it. It's cool. Just an idea while I was writing this. Talking, though. Talking through the experience. That's the emotional side of aftercare. And no, this is not sending out a survey asking for feedback and ratings. It's just checking in. You would be amazed at how far the very simple question of, you good, goes. Emotionally decompressing and processing immediately after sex, the phase after the body comes down, when the brain goes, hey, motherfucker, let's talk, right? Sex can be a lot. Granted, you may not want to emotionally process the sex after when you still have guests in your home. I am not telling you. I'm not telling you not to, ha, have important talks with your spouse, but maybe wait until the people you just got done fucking leave. You ever had a couple have a whisper clenched teeth fight in their kitchen while you're trying to find your shoes? It's unpleasant. I feel for everyone. There is a space and time where they will need to process the fuckery that happened. And again, yes, I'm being dramatic about all this, but there's a purpose. It's just sex. Yes, it is. Sex that could mean nothing or something. Depends on the person. And no, not something as, oh my god, we're in love now. Not that, okay? Just know that sex is still a connection with another human, however fleeting or squishy. Two people are sharing their bodies, four people are sharing their spouses. There is something there. Emotional aftercare looks different for everyone. Not all aftercare is immediate. Not all emotional processing is immediate. days later. And then feelings show up and shit gets real. Other people do not give two shits and this is just not a thing at all and they are wondering what the fuck I'm talking about. For emotional aftercare, what could people need? Or what helps? Compliments, oddly. They need affirmation that what they did was okay and good and everyone enjoyed themselves and they did nothing bad. That sounds kind of heavy and it is. I'll say that. People may carry internalized guilt or shame or any other emotion and it could resurface during the afterglow of sex. So yeah, compliments help. Not everyone's brain can tell them nice things, so having an external person tell you nice things helps. Other people may shut down in the sense that they don't even think about what happened for days or weeks later. There may have been something unpleasant or a detail about the experience that they didn't like, and it takes a long time for them to be able to properly share it or feel comfortable sharing. This fucking sucks, I'll give you that. Hard to deal with issues from months ago, hard to remember exactly what happened. I ain't telling anybody this is wrong. If this is you, rock on. Know, though, that the longer you wait to have conversations, the harder they're going to be. And one more category of those people who, like I said, just don't. Not in a bad way. They just don't need or want or able to process the emotions after sex. They don't fucking care. Groovy. Maybe they don't. There's nothing there to process, which could cause conflict with people, though, who do have emotions and need to work. through them. This is especially bad if one spouse doesn't give a shit the other spouse wants to talk. The recipe for misalignment. But it goes back to everyone has different aftercare needs. We need to respect the aftercare needs of others. If a woman doesn't want to be touched after sex don't fucking touch her. She is not rejecting you as a human. She just had sex with you. She needs space. The nice act is to give her the space she wants. If your spouse has nothing to say after don't press them to say anything. If that woman wants a cuddle and you are comfortable with it, give the woman a cuddle. If your spouse needs to talk about it, let them. We don't have to be assholes about this. Give people what they need. Give them care. Hugs and conversations are free, everybody. We take care of the physical needs, then the emotions, and then the mental aftercare, processing what happened. This could be shoved in with emotional, but I think this is kind of after emotions are dealt with or being dealt with. in your own brain, then the mental side comes out. So the mental should stand on its own. The mental side, a lot of us could say, is the debrief. When a couple debriefs and talks about it intentionally, the processing of the emotions, there's your debrief. Everyone has it. What matters is what you do with it, the doing with your emotions. That's what separates couples who are in this for the long term and the ones who flame out after one date. And for the mental side, I'm just talking about talking. Simple talking, but nothing in the lifestyle is simple as we know it, right? Generally, after every sexual encounter, every time you play with another couple, every time you end up in an orgy, you should talk about it. You should debrief. And I learned a rule from a friend I want to share with everybody. I thought this was brilliant. Her and her husband would set aside time at a specific time to talk about it. They would wait a few days after the party, the takeover, the date, whatever, and then schedule it. the time, say 7 p.m. on a Sunday, to talk about it. This gave both of them time to let their minds and their bodies settle down on their own. It gave them time individually to process, figure out what they liked and didn't like, and then bring it to the conversation in a productive way. Fucking love this. It does no one any fucking good to sit on something for six months and then bring it up randomly one night. Granted, it might not be good to talk about immediately after, but share when the time comes, and if you gotta schedule that shit, do it. It works. It lets people know that you care. If you are hosting, this one is important. Have water for your guest. Don't make me go looking in your kitchen naked for a cup. You ever notice how weird it feels to walk around someone else's house naked? Not that I'm going to do that if I'm worried about someone catching me or whatever. It still feels fucking weird to walk around with my dick out in someone else's house. A good hosting rule is have chilled water bottles available. I have some in my fridge. a goodnight text when you get home safely. I like that. I ask my friends to do that. That one little text can go a long way to strengthening connections between cobbles. Once you start offering aftercare, be aware that you will start to notice some common patterns and needs here. The biggest one I've seen and I've felt so many times and I will say this one fucking sucks giant donkey balls, okay? Something that you will deal with after. Something that needs aftercare. is the drop. And oh, I feel this one all the fucking time. The drop is what happens when all the adrenaline wears off. So taking this from the BDSM world again, the drop is a flatness, a meh, a blah. It's not depression, really. It's just numbness. So let's say a couple is coming over on a Wednesday night. Cool. Couple of things we need to do first. Clean the house, get the water bottles, put out the nice sheets. While all this is going on, I'm getting excited, right? You're getting excited because you got friends coming over. Excited for what is about to happen. I know my excitement is the better of me. I get so excited for a date, I will fucking lose weight. I will forget to eat. Then the date arrives, and it all grows great. Good times, good company, good sex. Then the couple leaves. You go to bed. Tomorrow morning, you wake up feeling blah. But Jason, that shouldn't be that way. You're one of those people who's like, I always wake up refreshed the next day. Fuck you. I don't. Okay. For every high, there is an equal and shittier low. The low sucks. Social batteries are drained. Physically, you're drained. Same thing happens after like big parties and events. And I don't know what is the answer to the drop. I wish I knew because then I would do it. I've tried a lot of things. Reached out to friends, plan another date immediately, just try to ride it out. The only thing I've found that helps with the drop is time. It is not permanent. It will get better. Ride the Wave, and you'll get to the other side. The longer people are in the lifestyle, the drop lessens in intensity, probably because you're used to it. Know that it is not forever, and putting a date on the calendar for the next adventure helps so much. I still get it. I still deal with it after really fun weekends, and all I can say is, hey, it's normal. You're not alone. It is totally normal to have this feeling. It has a name, and naming it can take away a a lot of his power. Some people go into replay mode immediately after. They want to dissect every action, every play-by-play. They want to relive the moment in their minds and with others and then tell people about it. This is their brain processing externally. Is it bad? Not the fuck all. If you're one of these people, dump the feeling somewhere safe. Share it somewhere safe. Get them out of your mind and move on, probably with your spouse. No amount of replaying, though, will put you back in that moment. If replaying the night makes you feel bad for any reason, stop. Go ground yourself. Do not fall into the spiral. Go plan another adventure. This is the person's way of self-soothing, and this is a form of aftercare on themselves, so like a big self-hug of memories. But yeah, if focusing on the night makes you feel bad, talk it out with your spouse. Figure out the why, but don't fall into the spiral of it. Other people want tenderness. These are the cuddlers. Hey, I'm a cuddler. Oh, bless the cuddlers. With all the excitement of sex, when it is done, they need a hug. Naked hugs that could possibly lead to another round. Then another, another round. And did I mention earlier, people may have rules around cuddling. They don't want their spouse to cuddle with another person. Fair enough. If that is you, please say it ahead of time. Don't get pissy after. And if you have that rule that other people cannot cuddle your spouse, cool, you need to go cuddle. It doesn't make any sense to put this limit on who your spouse can cuddle with whenever you're not willing to cuddle with them, okay? After sex with another couple, there may be a need in the soul to reconnect with your spouse. Yeah, y'all know where I'm going with this. Totally normal. Watching your wife get dicked down by another dude is probably going to create feelings of wanting to reconnect as spouses with them. The reclaimed sex. Reconnection intimacy, if we're going to give it a really complicated name. I know couples who want to do it immediately, like in the same room with you, which I think is cool because I get to watch people have sex. I know couples who wait till the next day or the following day or the next week. I also know couples who, for them, reclaim sex isn't really a big deal. In the lifestyle, we put reclaim sex on a pedestal, like it is a driving fucking motivation that the only reason we share our spouse is so we can get to reclaim sex. I don't know about that. It is a beautiful act between couples, coming back together, There is an angle to this, though. An angle to reclaimed sex, I don't know how I feel about, but talking to somebody, they brought it up, so I at least want to share it. Reclaimed sex could imply ownership of another person or of the marriage, and reclaimed sex is thereby necessary to assert ownership again or dominance over. Following that train of logic, some people feel reclaimed sex is necessary for compersion to happen, as in a person can't be happy for their spouse, having fun, unless there is reclaimed sex after to unlock that feeling. I don't know how I feel about that one. I kind of see it. Offering an alternative take here. Not sure how you feel about it, but hopefully it sparks a conversation. For us, me and my wife, honestly, reclaimed sex isn't that big of a deal. I can be happy for my wife having a good time without it, and she can be happy for me. We don't make it a priority after, though I will say, reclaimed sex is fucking great when it does happen. a common trap is to use reclaimed sex as a band-aid in some marriages. And they think, well, we had sex after, right? Everything is good now. Smooth. He still fucked me after. It's okay. He's not upset. Reclaimed sex is great when there is mutual desire for it. Go do it. Enjoy it. I know what happens for us. We enjoy it. It's not a substitute for talking shit through, though, and don't think it is. Using sex to smear over discomfort means that discomfort comes back louder like an awkward fight in the kitchen while I search for my shoes. If you are a fan of reclaimed sex, just use it for what it is, reestablishing physical connection between two people. Know that there are still the romantic, emotional, and mental aspects of a marriage that need care too. For aftercare, all the things I have been talking about are made with the assumption that everything is sunshine and rainbows after and everyone goes home happy and stable. Great sex, five stars, all around. Doesn't always happen that way. You know I gotta be honest about this. To be honest, I have to be an asshole about this and be honest. Not every date, not every fuckery encounter goes, well. Aftercare is not a magic eraser for cross-boundaries, broken consent, or bad nights. Offering someone a bottle of water after will not make up for disregard of known rules and boundaries. Let's say two couples meet up for a fun night, dinner and drinks. Standard lifestyle date. They end up in a hotel room. One of the husbands, the one who had too many shots at dinner, to calm his nerves, tries to have sex with the other wife without a condom. Even though they all discuss this at length ahead of time, last week and yesterday and last night and a few hours ago, this man fucked up. His wife knows he fucks up, but she tries to smooth over the situation and it doesn't go well. This dude, Mr. I don't want to use a condom, texts the next day. He doesn't bring up the incident. This situation requires more than a cuddle to fix. Her comfort and rules were violated. That's a strong word, but it is what it is. And that woman doesn't owe anyone the lifestyle politeness after that. And another thing, aftercare should not be manipulation either. Trying to smooth over bad behavior with kindness, it's kind of fucked up. Don't do that. Have the shitty conversations if you need to. Remember, boundaries are not retroactive, but accountability is immediate and aftercare is no substitute for it. Aftercare is not a magic eraser for excusing bad behavior. There is a difference between providing genuine care to another person and trying to use care like hey here's a water bottle to smooth over rough feelings here's a simple thing to use if you need to use it a simple phrase we need to talk about what happened simple sentence look at a couple of look look at that couple of words that can go a long way to fixing or at least settling things with people after care does not have to be complicated it does not have to be a big grand show it could be little things, squeezing your spouse's hand and giving them a smile. If a person is unsure what they need in the moment, ask, okay? You ask them, what do you need? But that's a really big question to try and answer if the person is having big feelings in the moment. So make it easy. Ask binary questions, simple questions. Do you need some water? Yes or no? Do you need to be held? Yes or no? Do you want touch or space? Space or touch? Not everyone can say what they want, they may not even know. So offering simple choices can help them decide. Thank you for listening and tuning in every week. Make sure you tell a friend about the show. Thank you to the love of my life, my wife, who is on this wonderful journey with me. If you want to reach out, ask a question, suggest a topic, send me an email to host at thatofthelifestyle.com. My website is thatofthelifestyle.com. My personal disclaimer, I'm not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I am a guy with a microphone sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only, and please join us for the next episode. Go to stdhero.com, use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order, and get tested. Whatever you may do today or tonight, I hope you do it with enthusiasm, consent, curiosity, and a little bit of spice. You are appreciated, loved, and I will see you for the next episode.