Ep. 58: I'll Ask Again. Do We Suck?

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

Hello, lifestyle friends, and welcome to Evan Swings, a lifestyle podcast from a guy's perspective. I appreciate you joining me today. For any new listeners joining me for the first time, welcome. Thanks for giving my podcast a shot. I do hope you enjoy it. I always do this at the beginning here, just a little background on me. I'm Evan. I'm a guy in my late 40s, married to my amazing wife, Eva, and we've been in the lifestyle for almost four and a half years now. Overall, it has been an incredibly awesome journey, but with plenty of bumps along the way.

I always have to put this little disclaimer out there. I am not an expert. I don't claim to be. I don't pretend to be. I just enjoy sharing, like sharing our lifestyle experiences for the purpose of informing and hopefully entertaining. You can check out my very earliest episodes if you want to hear about how Eva and I got into the lifestyle in our first adventures. Check those out if you'd like.

And now returning listeners you seriously seriously thank you i'm really lucky to have as many loyal followers as i as i have um i did not i did not expect uh to have any followers so so i i greatly appreciate. I appreciate you tuning in and making me feel more important than I actually am. Now, on with the show. Back in episode number 47, I posed the question, do we suck? Meaning Eva and myself. We had been having... Do we suck? Meaning, Eva and myself. We had been having, you know, we'd been experiencing a lot of letdowns in the lifestyle.

I guess you could say we'd been having a lot of bad luck. Some lifestyle friends of ours decided to leave the lifestyle. A couple or two decided they didn't want to see us anymore for various reasons. And we hadn't met any new couples in a long while. It became a little difficult. Oh my gosh, did you hear that train? I don't think that's, we live fairly close to train tracks and not, but not that close. I don't think I've ever heard it that loud before that came through the mic. I'm sorry. But anyway, um, where was I?

We hadn't met any new couples in a while and it became a little difficult not to begin to think We'll be right back. We hadn't met any new couples in a while and it became a little difficult not to begin to think we were the common denominator because it just seemed to be happening a lot, like a lot. That was the end of June, 2025. And honestly, since then, things have not improved much. We seem to have lost two more of our regular, quote unquote, regular couples permanently since then. And we don't have many regulars, okay? I'll be honest here and give you some numbers.

That has left us with two couples whom we can consider friends with benefits. and friends with benefits is what Eva and I prefer. It's what we are seeking in the lifestyle. We don't do random hookups with people we just met. We like establishing a relationship with a couple, for lack of a better term. People we can get together with and enjoy time with outside the bedroom before heading to the bedroom. We don't just show up at a hotel room with another couple, fuck them, and go home. No. We prefer the date night aspect of it.

You know, get together, have some dinner, have some drinks, dance, play some games, things like that. And we had a few couples who we considered friends with benefits who seemed to have the same dynamic. One of those couples was a couple who, they were just about as nerdy as Eva and me. Maybe even more.

They loved sci-fi movies and TV shows, Lord of the rick and morty the simpsons board games i mean they they had very similar interest to us we we would quote things quote movies and tv shows um and we would all know what what we were talking about it was it was a fantastic situation and they could they could even play some of our favorite nerdier board games with us you know do you know how hard it is or how hard it has been to find compatible couples in the lifestyle who actually enjoy the nerdy board games and card games that we enjoy, it is damn near impossible.

Which makes my story I'll get to momentarily even more significant. But let me keep going with this tangent for the time being. This couple that i was just talking about who also who also love hockey by the way also hard to find in the lifestyle fellow hockey fans in the lifestyle well they decided to to take a break from things because the the dude the dude suffered some um I don't know. He had, let's just say just say he had some issues that I won't go into. So, they decided to take a break. And Eva and I, we tried to stay in touch. Because, again, there's friends with benefits, right?

Well, there's the friend part of that. You know, we considered them friends. We wanted to stay in touch with them, even if we didn't play with them anymore. They were still a very interesting couple, and we shared a lot of interests. But they didn't seem much interested in continuing conversations and discussing getting together again. Mostly just polite responses with no substance. And then they just flat out ignored our last two messages.

So my thing is I'll always send the last message but if you don't respond to it you know I might try one more time but then that's it I'm not gonna keep sending messages hoping that you'll respond if I send the last one or two messages and you don't respond to that, then it's done. It's over. And that's what happened here. Then the other couple, I've actually talked about our most recent experience with them in an episode that I called Intimidation Factor.

the woman in this couple is really hot and she has a very strong personality like very strong and I find her to be quite intimidating in the bedroom for various reasons she's the one that wanted me to choke her and that's not my thing at all but regardless because because i found her so intimidating i had a difficult time performing you know and it was it was intimidating because of her appearance and her personality. It was like a double whammy. Well, they seem to take some time off for family issues. But I told Eva that I bet we would never hang out with them again.

And the main reason is that the woman got tired of putting up with me and my semi-hard dick. I'm sure it was frustrating for her and not as fun as being with someone who was, you know, rock hard for her, like all the time. and she even told me when we first met them that she was attracted to confident guys. And well, I wasn't exactly radiating confidence every time I was with her. We had a lot of other stuff in common and we really enjoyed hanging out. I mean, we'd been to their house several times and had dinner with them. It was really nice.

But my theory is that she just thought she could be having more fun with other guys. And I don't fault her for thinking that at all. For whatever reason anxiety issues could not be overcome like at least enough to truly perform how i wanted to and you know how the i couldn't give her the good time that i wanted to now i'll also say i wanted another shot because, you know, I've told you in the past, told you listeners in the past that I've tried different ED meds and it is taking a very long time.

But I think I've found the type of medication that works the best and I've experimented with timeframes and I think I know when I need to exactly take it and so I would really love another shot with her to try it out, but I don't think I'm going to get it. So anyway, I consider those two couples out of the picture now. And again, that leaves two other couples who we can regularly hang out with. And don't get the wrong idea here. When I say regularly, I just mean occasionally, like every two months, at least, at least for one of the two couples. Okay.

The other couple is maybe every three or four months. But what I mean is, is just a couple we can text at any time and say, Hey, let's get together soon. That's what I mean. We have only two of those. After almost four and a half years in the lifestyle, I would like to think we would have cultivated and maintained more relationships than just two.

So I'm going to ask the question I asked in episode 47 do we suck do eva and i suck plus i i almost almost forgot my friend poison ivy a subject in very recent episodes pretty much dumped me for for again lack of a better term like i'm using the word dumped no longer wants to see me wants to focus on her relationship with her boyfriend fine i was so excited about having someone to see occasionally for uh solo adventures but of course that doesn't seem to be in the cards and then and then cherry on top the other day i went to the store i'm not going to identify this couple in any way other than to say it was a couple we uh considered friends of ours and then they suddenly ghosted us like like literally ghosted us wouldn't return any messages we thought we'd developed a pretty close friendship with them nope they couldn't even have the decency to respond to our messages and let us know what was going on they didn't have to play with us anymore okay we we cared about them as as friends like as people well and i think we and we made it clear to them that that you know we'd still love to hang out have some vanilla dates vanilla.

Well, they pretty much kicked us to the curb. And at the grocery store, I hear someone say my name. And it's the husband of this particular couple. He was very friendly and acted like he hadn't ghosted us. Acted like we had talked occasionally in the last year, which we had not. And I had rehearsed in my head many times what I would say if I saw either him or his wife in public. I was going to be kind of a dick. I was going to briefly say hello without a smile and say something like, good to see you, Casper, and walk away, you know, like Casper, the friendly ghost, but I couldn't do that.

I'm just, I'm just not that type of person, I guess. So he chatted me up and, and, you know, we were, we were both very friendly and he let me know what had been going on with him and his wife. Uh, he explained that his life, his life, his wife left the lifestyle due to religious reasons. And I'm just thinking, man, I have heard it all now. The excuses that keep piling up for not wanting to see Evan and Eva anymore. I'll just add that one to the list. Religious reasons. It just adds fuel to the do we suck fire. Ladies and gentlemen, I am recording this on November 17th, 2025.

I have had a rough two months. I had pneumonia, which resulted in me having to cancel my birthday celebration in October. It's been a rough two months. The last, I remember this exactly, the last day that I felt perfectly healthy was September 21st. September 22nd, I started feeling symptoms, and it was, it's been almost two months. So anyway, my birthday was in October and we had to cancel the celebration. We had a trip planned to spend time with some of our out of town-town lifestyle friends, friends that we haven't seen in a year.

And I cannot tell you how much I was looking forward to that. I told Eva, I didn't want her to buy me any presents for my birthday. I just, I wanted to do that trip. I wanted to spend our money on that trip. That's what I wanted the most. But unfortunately, one of the couples was dealing with COVID and had to cancel. And we were going to keep plans with the other couple. And then I got hit with pneumonia. That damn sickness lingered with me off and on until basically last week, so almost two months. I had to cancel two other lifestyle dates because of it.

Plus, my dog had some pretty significant surgery. We had to cancel a date because of her recovery. We also recently had a death in the family. We had to cancel a date because of that. I also had a death at my workplace. A teacher in my building literally collapsed and died in her bathroom. It seems like I have really been put through the ringer lately. I've had some other personal crap happen too that I won't bore you with. But let's just say the last two months have sucked for me.

There was one amazing thing that happened though, and I talked about it in episode 56, so just a couple episodes ago. During one of the times where I thought I was over pneumonia, because like I said, the symptoms just kept coming and going. And I thought I was over it. Eva and I went to a club for their annual Halloween party. And we had such a great time. But what really made it such a great time was the couple we ended up spending most of the evening with. Boy, did we hit it off. I would venture to say that we hit it off Thank you. Most of the evening with, boy, did we hit it off.

I would venture to say that we hit it off more with them than any other couple we've ever met in the lifestyle. Things just went so smoothly with them.

So I don't know'm i'm not i don't want to lie here we hit it off more with them except maybe that couple that i mentioned earlier that was into sci-fi nerdy stuff and board games the one that i talked about earlier so maybe it was them but that's beside the point we hit it off with this couple they seemed like a perfect match for us and they often remarked how we seemed to be a perfect match for them they were into the same nerdy complicated board games as we were they were interested escape rooms. They commented how they could never find lifestyle couples who were into such things.

And we said the same. We all said how we couldn't wait to see each other again. Before I get into what transpired after that evening, I wanted to add something to episode 56 story that I had left out because I thought it was trivial. The wife of that particular couple describes herself as bi curious, but she has yet to work up the nerve to experiment with another woman yet while we were at the club we discussed this and Eva who had a little well okay a lot too much to drink that evening made her an offer she asked if she wanted her Here we go.

that evening made her an offer she asked if she wanted her to kiss her like Eva asked if she wanted the the wife to have Eva kiss her Eva was offering to kiss this woman just to see if she liked it and for this to make sense i need to bring up what happened at our very first ever lifestyle experience eva went into that experience straight and left it bisexual we were playing on separate beds and when i had finished the woman I was with got up and went over to where her husband and Eva were still playing.

Eva was sucking on the guy's dick when, all of a sudden, she felt another hand on her body. And the hand was not my hand. And it was not the guy's hand. and the hand was not my hand, and it was not the guy's hand, and this hand started playing with her pussy, and to Eva's surprise, it really turned her on. She really enjoyed it. She had never even considered that she would enjoy playing with another woman until that moment. That experience changed everything. After that, she was like, okay, I would like to play with women more. That was like the defining moment.

So back to the moment at the club, Eva told the wife about this. She told the story about what happened at that hotel for our first ever lifestyle experience and how it changed everything. And she simply offered to kiss her saying, you may like me you don't realize you like it until you try it well the wife said no thank you and that was the end of it no harm no foul or so we thought after the club the four of us set up a group chat on Telegram. We exchanged pictures, we chatted, even a little bit of the sexy chat, you know, naughty stuff being said.

We talked about setting up a play date where we could also play games and maybe do an escape room. The wife responded by saying they were going to be busy the next couple of weekends and then there was the busy Thanksgiving holiday so her words here we might have to look at December but we will definitely make this happen exclamation point excitement well I can't tell you how excited I was. It had been since the previous summer since we had even met any new couples, like even for a vanilla date. Really, since we had received any interest whatsoever from another couple. Again, do we suck?

But the real reason I was so excited was that I had had such a crap couple of months. Just total shit. The pneumonia, the cancellations of our social life, the cancellation of my sporting events. Hockey's my life, and I hate having to miss games due to illness. We had our dog surgery, the death in our family, the death of a co-worker, and all the personal stuff that I don't want to get into. I was pumped. I was looking forward to this more than I think I have ever looked forward to a lifestyle date. This woman was smoking hot and she loved playing the same nerdy board games I like to play.

In fact, we had the same favorite game. She was just as nerdy as me. This was the stress relief that I wanted. This was the light at the end of the tunnel. This was going to be the rebirth of our social life. I know that sounds overly dramatic and extreme, but seriously, almost the last two months of my life were non-stop frustration, stress, and sadness. That is a long, long time. Constantly wondering and worrying about my health was the main thing. I made six trips to a doctor's office during those two months. Six. That's a lot. That's almost one a week.

And this will probably be TMI, but I sweat through my clothes every night. Usually multiple times a night. Every night from September 22nd through mid-November. I was constantly tired, exhausted from not getting a good night's sleep. Coughing fits every single day and trying to do my job, talking all day while short of breath. Yeah, pneumonia sucks. I do not recommend it.

So yeah i i was ready to let loose with this couple a new couple who seemed to be more compatible with us than probably any couple we have met in a long long time maybe ever and everything was going swimmingly we were all talking about how excited we were We were just waiting for them to get back to us with a possible date in December. A couple of weeks went by, and I'll be honest, I was getting impatient. We were still talking, you know, there was still chatting, but nothing about a possible date. So I decided I would make a move here.

I sent them a message that said, Hey guys, hope you're doing well. Because it had been a couple days since we'd heard from them. Excited to see you again. Are you guys free on any of the following dates. And I listed some dates that we were free. No response for two days. Okay, they're busy. No big deal, right? Well, here's what they wrote today. It was the husband. Hey guys, sorry for the delay. After talking with my wife, I think she wants to maybe hold off for a bit.

We had a great time at Halloween, but I think maybe she got the vibe that girl-on-girl play is a little more important than she's ready for right now. We'd love to stay in touch and say hi at the club. Just might be something to revisit in the future. So that was it. My issue here is the timing she thinks this all of a sudden after all the text messaging we have done in the few weeks since the Halloween party after all the excitement expressed by all four of us she is absolutely well within her rights to change her mind that is something I'll see you next time.

All the excitement expressed by all four of us? She is absolutely well within her rights to change her mind. That is something everyone in the lifestyle should know. You are welcome to change your mind about anything at any time. You have that right. But the timing. The timing. Why didn't she call it off right after Eva offered to kiss her at the club or the next day or while, while we were discussing getting together? Surely it was in her mind. Again, we respect her right to change her mind about us, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck badly for us.

We had all that discussion going on, all that excitement. Everybody seemed to be on board. And then all of a sudden, this. Again, I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to that date. I regret now. I regret not attempting to play at the club. Maybe that would have changed the outlook of things. I don't know. But right now, I feel like I've been crapped on.

After two months of anguish, I was so ready for some good good news so ready for a new adventure with this couple that that seemed to have so much in common with us and now it seems like that has been squashed suddenly and surprisingly squashed and you want to know something funny at the club when Eva offered to kiss the wife I even said Eva don't don't push it like half jokingly but now it seems like that was in fact too hard of a push oh yet again I have to ask, do we suck? Why does this keep happening to us?

Surely we are the common denominator that is somehow contributing to our lifestyle relationships. Again, I'll use that word, relationships, ending.

For a couple like us who are not into random hookups to establish these friendships and then having so many crash and burn and having so many potential friendships crash and burn like Tom and Alice, if you're an avid listener you may remember the story about tom and alice when we went to the alice in wonderland theme party our potential friendships as well keep crashing and burning i can't help but think we are doing something wrong and i know that a big part of the problem is that we are so damn picky I admit I turn down couples fairly often but there's there's got to be more matches for us out there somewhere we just want some long-term fWBs.

Scanning lifestyle sites and apps is exhausting to me. I'm tired of doing it. There are discussions on Reddit that suggest we are doing this all wrong. They suggest that Eva and I should not be using the sites and apps as our exclusive pool for potential new lifestyle friends. And when I say they suggest that Eva and I, I don't mean they suggest us personally. I just mean they suggest that couples in general shouldn't be using the sites and the apps. They say the best way to do it is to go to clubs, go to hotel takeovers, go to meet and greets.

Well, that's all well and good for some people, but that's not what's going to work for Eva and myself. We're very shy when it comes to approaching people in person. I can't remember the last time Eva and I, Eva has done it, I should say, because I have never done it. I just don't have the confidence. I would prefer, like if we go to a club or party, we wait for someone to approach us. And for me, it is way easier to interact with someone from behind the safety of my phone. I feel like I can be myself more. I feel like I'm a much better writer than I am a talker.

So once I have exchanged texts with someone for a bit, it is usually pretty easy for Eva and I to determine if we are a match. We just don't have much desire to attend a meet and greet. And we don't go to the club very often. We don't go to many hotel takeovers. And when we do, again, we're not really the assertive type. We wait for anyone interested in meeting us to initiate the conversation. And being honest here, we haven't met all that many people that way.

A few, but most people we have talked to at a club or a hotel takeover, we have first established communication online through an app or a site. And I do have a bit of an epilogue to my story for today because after receiving that breakup text and I'm calling it a breakup text, but it's not really a breakup text from this particular couple, I wanted to respond but Eva felt like she was the one who should reply to that last text. She did a very nice job explaining that we have had plenty of play dates that don't involve girl on girl action.

And we assumed based on what happened at the club that there would be no girl-on-girl action. And we assumed, based on what happened at the club, that there would be no girl-on-girl play when we got together with them. She even complimented them on their communication skills. Because we have run into plenty of couples who don't know what they want, and it is quite annoying.

And they can't communicate that to us so eva sent this message and they responded politely i have to say that they they're still they're still just figuring out what they want in the lifestyle and that they're, they're taking a break from the lifestyle until the new year. So it was very polite, but I don't buy it. I'm sorry. I don't buy it. They told us, uh, they, they told us about a guy that they occasionally bring in to fuck the wife. They told us about hooking up with people at the club. We're pretty sure they hooked up with a couple after we left the Halloween party.

So they seem to be all in. They are still actively visiting and posting on a couple of the lifestyle sites and a group telegram chat for lifestyle users in the tri-state area. They explicitly told us that we were exactly what they were looking for. They explicitly told us how cool we were compared to other couples they have met in the lifestyle. And I don't feel like they were blowing smoke up our butts. I really think they are politely turning us down because they changed their minds about us. Which is, again, totally 100% they're right. But it just leaves me asking, why?

What did we do wrong? What am I not reading between the lines here? Because our chats seem to be going great. What changed in the two short weeks since the Halloween event at the club? It makes no sense to me. Eva says that it's not us. It's them. She says that we did nothing wrong. And this was simply a change of heart. But I can't get behind that theory. When we have had this sort of thing happen seemingly so damn often and considering the awesome text exchanges we had considering the awesome conversation we had at the club considering how much we had in common i just don't get it it.

I just want to know, do we suck? And if so, why do we suck? How do we stop sucking so much? In case you can't read it in my voice, this one hurts, dear listeners. It has been a long time since I have felt this strong of a match with a couple and felt like it seemed so mutual. Granted, the distance sucked, all right? We live probably an hour and a half away from them, but they were going to be worth the drive, worth nerding out with a hot couple and then playing with them. I just, oh, I just can't imagine finding another couple like this.

And I, I, I suppose it's possible because if there's one or two like them, there's, there's gotta be more and anything can happen. But it just sucks right now after the last two months of crap that I have gone through. So I'm trying to put a happy face on and press on. It's what I've done before and will do again. But I'm just incredibly frustrated.

As I said before, at this stage of our lifestyle journey, considering what Eva and I are looking for, which again are friends with benefits, not a long string of random hookups, I would think we would have an established group of friends by now, but they keep dropping like flies. I find myself checking my lifestyle apps and sites several times a day, hoping for a new connection. And like I said, it's just exhausting. and we have had several reach out to us in the last couple of months, but they have never been a good match. I'll be honest. They have not been attractive couples to us, at least.

You know, I'm not saying they weren't attractive. I'm saying we didn't find them attractive. And I'll admit, like I said before, Eva and I are very picky, very, very selective. And we refuse to lower our expectations for what a match would be for us. We don't feel like that's an option. That's not acceptable. We know what we want. We know what we're looking for in a couple. And that's what we are going to stick to. It's just an unfortunately slow process. And we seem to be losing friends faster than we can make them.

Surely there are other couples out there like that, like us fact I am sure there are those who want friends with benefits not just quick hookups not just one night stands I am curious how many of you out there who have the same dynamic as us are experiencing frustration. Or if it's just us, because we suck. If you'd like to let me know, please feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to include your comments in a future episode on this topic.

Or if you have other questions thoughts or suggestions please feel free to reach out to me get in touch with me you can find me on blue sky by searching for evan swings there's an evan swings page on blue sky or you can find me on instagram or even kick still check that once in a great while at Evan Deenson that's E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N or simply send me an email to Evan Deenson at gmail.com. I would love to hear from you. And if you do reach out, make sure you let me know whether I can include your name if I mention your comment in a future episode. So that's all I have today.

I hope you'll come back and give my show a listen again sometime. I should be back in about two weeks. Until then, as I always say, be safe, be wild, and we only get one life. So make sure you live yours to the fullest. Take care, everyone.