Ep. 55: Let's Get Uncomfortable!

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

Hi, everyone, and welcome to Evan Swings, a lifestyle podcast from a guy's perspective. Thanks for tuning in. I'm your host, Evan. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for over four years. And I do this little podcast to hopefully entertain and inform. Not as an expert. No way. Okay. I'm just an average guy. We're just an average couple. I like to share our experiences on this podcast in hopes that someone out there will find it helpful or at least entertaining. To all my returning listeners out there, welcome back. I appreciate the support you've shown me. It means a lot.

Putting out this podcast a day later than usual. Just had a lot going on lately. Had a whole bunch of family stuff going on yesterday. So I had no time to get this podcast recorded. So here we are today. Apologize for the delay. And today's episode is called Let's Get Uncomfortable. Over the course of 54, now 55 episodes, I have prided myself on being open and honest about just about every lifestyle topic you can think of, it has always been my goal to provide an honest perspective on all things lifestyle related.

Let's face it though, there are some topics that some people may find difficult to talk about, maybe even difficult to hear about, maybe just plain awkward. But I believe that we should normalize discussions about such topics. The lifestyle itself already has a negative stigma that surrounds it to those in the vanilla world, of course. So us who are in the lifestyle we should be able to discuss any topic without fear of judgment without worry that you're the only person wondering about a particular topic you should never feel silly or stupid for asking the question.

You should never feel fearful of asking the question. There are sensitive topics, yes, but you should always be able to obtain the answers you need, you know, and have the discussions you want to have. Reddit, by the way, is a great source for lifestyle discussions. I suggest searching for the Swingers subreddit to start. Great source of information in the discussion. And then, of course, you have podcasts like this one. In today's episode, I am going to tackle some sensitive topics. Topics that typically may not be discussed often. You know, topics that some may try to stay away from.

Well, I'm not going to stay away from them today. I'm going to hit them on the head and give you my perspective. A lot of these topics I have touched on in previous episodes. So if you are an avid listener, then they may seem a little redundant. But hopefully I can add a little more insight to what I've already stated.

And I will say also that you may listen to this and think to yourself well this is not this is not a sensitive topic why is he why does he think this is awkward to talk about this is not awkward if you think that good for you that is awesome that means you are at that place you are at that that uh stage where it's it not awkward for you, and you're able to discuss any topic, and that's wonderful. But I'm saying there are people out there who find this difficult to talk about. So if you are ready, let's get down to it. ED. Erectile dysfunction. That's my first topic.

In a recent episode, I mentioned that I would come back to it, and here we are. So let me state a couple of things for the record. I have selective ED. When I am with Eva, I never have any issues with arousal. I'm just going to say it. I can always get hard. She is my wife, and I am 100% comfortable 100% of the time. But I have anxiety. I take meds to help control it, but no med has ever been able to completely stop it. And I've tried several. And then we'll see you next time. to help control it, but no med has ever been able to completely stop it, and I've tried several.

In lifestyle situations, my anxiety keeps my brain from sending the right signals to my friend below, which has resulted in some failures to launch. It is very frustrating. I've been to several different doctors, physicians, urologists, who all say the same thing. My testosterone levels are fine. I'm 49 and no longer a young man by any means, but my parts are working fine.

It all in my head 100 in my brain in lifestyle situations i often get intimidated hence my recent episode by the way called intimidation factor i get intimidated by the woman i'm supposed to play with i i think to myself man this woman is out of my league or man how am i supposed to satisfy this woman whose whose husband is a sexual dynamo when that happens when i start thinking that it's usually game over sometimes i even get in my own head before a play date by worrying whether i will i will be able to get hard when the time comes like i'll start worrying about it ahead of time and then it's just downhill from there now I've also learned that the more comfortable I am with the woman the less of a problem it is I've learned that when a woman makes me feel more comfortable, like says things, gives me compliments, shows me or makes it obvious that she really wants to be with me, then I don't have those problems.

I get over that anxiety. But it happens. And there's another component to all this condoms. Just the thought of using a condom is a boner killer for many men. And I can give you an example, a very recent example. A few weeks ago, this happened. Eva and I were on a play date with a couple. They hosted, so we were at their house in the bedroom. They had become really good friends of ours.

And as things were getting hot and heavy, the woman asked if we would be willing to play without condoms since we had developed a strong sense of trust with one another we all wanted to but the dude still hadn't been tested recently for STIs so we decided we should use condoms and then revisit the possibility in the future. But the woman really wanted to feel my dick in her without a condom. After we finished round one, with condoms of course, she was hoping to get me hard again for round two. Now, I'm fully capable of going two rounds in a night, but I need ample recovery time.

You know, I know some guys can get right back on the saddle after a few minutes, but, you know, I need a good probably 15, 20 minutes and then I'm good to go again. But after a bit of time, she started trying to get me going again. That's when she told me how bad she wanted to feel me inside her without a condom. She was kind of like whispering this in my ear. And just the thought of that got me hard again.

But the second I reached for that damn condom i started going soft again and she's lying on the bed on her back and i'm between her legs and i just start kind of rubbing my dick on her pussy lips just you know bare of course and that made me hard again just thinking about how just one thrust of my hips and I could be inside her feeling everything without a condom made me so hard so I would just kind of tease her with my hard dick rubbing it all around but not putting it in and she would grab it and rub it on her, putting the tip on her lips, doing everything but insert it.

But every time I tried to put a condom on, I started getting soft. It was very frustrating to me. But that's just, that just goes to show that that's at least partially true to some guys condoms even just the thought of them can exacerbate erection difficulties just the brief pause to reach for one can cause an erection to deflate you know know, I've heard, I've read, I should say, no, no, I've heard, somebody's told me this as well, that just like the sound of the wrapper, a condom wrapper, triggers something in somebody's brain that kills an erection. It happens.

So as guys, what, what can be done about this? I have tried a lot of different options. So I wanted to share what I have tried, what has worked and what hasn't. So I guess I'll start off with what has worked the best for me. It is a compound called Ruggiet-Ready. And I don't know if I'm pronouncing it right, but that's what I'm going to say. Ruggiet-Ready, R-U-G-I-E-T. It combines three different ingredients. Sildenafil, which is Viagra, Tadalafil, which is Cialis, and Apomorphine, which is supposed to assist with arousal in your brain.

I consulted my doctor before taking this, and he didn't say I shouldn't take it, but he also didn't recommend it. It is not an approved FDA drug or anything. I mean, I will be honest. It's one of those ads that I've seen on Instagram and Facebook that I was like, you know what? What the hell? I'll give it a shot. But so far, it has worked for me. I have used it six times, I think.

And only i have did i still have performance issues but that that may have been because i didn't give it enough time to activate in my system i question whether the apomorphine actually does anything to be honest but if this if this product is working for me i'm i'm gonna have to i'm gonna keep going with it might as well if it's working i've experienced varying degrees of success with viagra and cialis they started off working great like both of them but then it was like my body got used to them, which reduced the desired effect. Excuse me.

If I had to recommend one or the other, I would probably say Cialis. It stays in your system longer, but you do have to figure out the timing. viagra is supposed to work faster, but it's only supposed to last like four to six hours. I found that taking either one of these medications can make me feel like, like my head is hot and I feel like I have blood rushing through it. I feel flush for lack of a better word. So I can't, I can't take the mass, the max dosage. I've actually never tried to take the max dosage. I've been kind of, kind of hesitant because of that.

I've also tried levitra that was a well-known ed med on the market um in or i should say it was in a well-known ed med called blue blue chews so levitra was the active ingredient in the blue chews blue chews that i tried i found that i had similar sex similar success to viagra with it not super impressed but perhaps other guys would find it more reliable i've also tried hymns and that was a generic viagra as well i didn't feel it did any better or worse than actual viagra so let's see what else i've i've also i've also done a month's membership to an online program called mojo it is designed to help with ed through exercise mental gymnastics and awareness it started off great discussing the root causes of ED.

I liked how it explained that when a guy is about to have sex, it could trigger a fight or flight response. If it's a flight response for, for whatever reason, you know, the guy feels a sense of danger, like not getting hard or being intimidated by a woman, not being able to perform, not being able to satisfy a woman, thoughts like that, the body puts all its efforts into making sure it gets away from that danger.

And if your body is trying to get away from danger, it is certainly not going to send signals to your dick to get hard it senses danger not arousal so i really like that explanation it made a lot of sense but the program required a a commitment to a bunch of exercises that either i couldn't do because of my bad knees and elbows and bad back or because I didn't want to do them. I'll admit some exercises I just felt were were silly to even attempt. I'll give you I'll give you one example. It's called soft penis play.

They wanted me to basically sit or lay on my bed and play with myself while my penis was soft. And if it got hard, I was supposed to stop. The idea was to make my brain realize that a soft penis was normal and not a big deal. So I wouldn't dwell on it in a play situation. Well, that exercise, in addition to some others, it made me uncomfortable and I didn't continue after the first month. I did not renew. And there's one other option that I know of, and I believe the actual name for it is called Trimix. It's an injection. And it's basically foolproof from what I've seen and heard.

A friend of ours uses it. You inject your dick with a small needle, and boom, instant, long-lasting erection. We'll see you next time. A friend of ours uses it. You inject your dick with a small needle, and boom, instant, long-lasting erection. Works like a miracle. Our friend uses it on every playdate. But for me, I'm sorry. There is no way I will ever be shoving a needle into my dick. i don't care how small that needle is, and I don't care that it virtually has a 100% success rate. I'm not willingly putting a needle in my dick. Not doing that. So there you have it.

All the options that I've tried and another that I've heard of. Nothing I have done is foolproof. My anxiety seems to be able to trump any medication, but I've had the most success with Rougie at Ready. ED is obviously an uncomfortable topic for some, but hopefully by discussing it, we can kind of normalize it and realize that it's more common than you might think. But you know what another uncomfortable topic is? STIs or STDs. So I wanted to talk about them a little bit. You know what? If you were in the lifestyle, there is a decent chance you will be exposed to one at some point.

I'm here to tell you, usually it's not a big deal. Yes, there are a few bad ones, less common ones that can't be cured. But the most common ones can all be treated with antibiotics and then you go on with your life but I want to tell you a few things that I have learned about STIs first of all you can have one while your spouse does not even after a decent amount of sexual activity while the other has an active infection that is the truth so in case i wasn't clear on this that means like the wife can have one the the husband can have sex with her several times and not become infected.

I speak from experience. Second of all, condoms help, but they are definitely, definitely not 100% effective. And here's the thing that even some of the most knowledgeable people don't seem to realize. You can get an STI from oral sex. So if you are adamant about wearing a condom to protect yourself from getting an STI, but then you have unprotected oral sex, you're at risk. If you play with an infected person, use a condom for penetrative sex, but have unprotected oral sex, then you might as well not have even worn the condom.

Some STIs can be transmitted by oral sex just as easily as penetrative sex. You can think you are protecting yourself with a condom, when really you are not. Eva and I are living proof of this.

After about a year in the lifestyle, we went to a party where we played with two other couples we were so careful about using condoms so careful yet Eva happened to be infected with an STI begins with the letter G one shot easy easy to cure wasn't a big deal but still we were so careful and i tested negative i never had it even after having sex with eva multiple times after that party and that means like i said is it is very possible for one spouse to be infected with something and not transmit it to the other spouse. We flat out prove that.

You can't say, oh, I don't need to be tested because my wife just got tested and she was fine. If she had anything, I would have it too. Not the case. I am or we are are living proof of that so I guess in summary what I'm saying is that there's a lot of incorrect info out there condoms are not 100% effective if you have oral sex then you are really not protecting yourself from an array of STIs that are out there. But I want to say it again. If you get one, one of the not-so-bad ones, then it's just that. It's not so bad. You shouldn't feel bad or dirty or ashamed or embarrassed.

You wouldn't feel that way if you, if you caught a cold, would you? Well, essentially an STI is just a different type of cold. It's just a virus or infection that's transmitted in a different way. But I, I don't want to downplay it too much. It is still a type of infection and still not fun to mess around with. And you I'll see you next time. But I don't want to downplay it too much. It is still a type of infection and still not fun to mess around with. And you still have to be careful. Get tested. I guess the better term for it is actually screened. Get screened.

Eva and I each do it every three or four months. We even stagger our screenings to hopefully catch things early. But again, just because one spouse tests negative for an STI doesn't mean the other spouse is guaranteed to be STI free. All right, so that's my rant about STIs. Buttholes. Yes, buttholes. Let's talk about them. I told you I was going to talk about uncomfortable stuff today, and this one is a doozy.

I have been interested, maybe even fascinated, with the lifestyle's perspective on buttholes since we first got into the lifestyle guys i i want i want you to think about something for a second when you have your first play day ever with someone new Someone you have agreed to have a full swap with. What do you expect to be able to do in terms of like touching, kissing, caressing, licking, etc.

Chances are you feel like you are allowed to do just about everything kiss touch her boobs and her nipples finger her give her oral it it's it's almost like all that is assumed and and don't please don't think this think the wrong thing here okay you definitely want to have a discussion regarding rules you know before playing okay but but in general all that stuff is usually assumed but my guess is that you feel like there is one thing you can't touch finger or lick unless you specifically ask or are specifically told you can do so and that is the butthole there's this weird stigma i guess that surrounds it that surrounds the butthole it is not treated like any other body part and i should state I'm thinking of this guy I'm thinking of this as a guy Who Enjoys playing with women Alright so I admit That unless I'm specifically asked to do so I will not Touch, finger, or lick A woman's butthole Okay.

Unless I am specifically asked to do so, I will not touch, finger, or lick a woman's butthole. I have talked to several other guys in the lifestyle about this, and they all agree with me. The butthole is a no-play zone unless you are granted specific permission. We go into a full swap with an assumed understanding that we are going to touch a woman all over except her butthole now i admit the guys that i talk to about this it's a small sampling i get that i could be way off on this i'm just speaking from my experience but. But assuming I am correct, it just makes me think, why is this?

What is it about a butthole, which scientifically speaking can be considered an erogenous zone it is a sensitive area well what what makes it so taboo? Now, please understand, I am not talking about anal sex here. I'm talking about anal play, the touching, the licking, even the fingering. I think actually putting a penis in a butthole is a whole different level and 100% warrants permission and preparation. It's something I would never think of doing unless the woman and I discuss doing it. But just touching? Light fingering? Maybe even licking?

Okay, maybe not even the light fingering maybe just even just touching why is that not considered completely appropriate for a guy to do when on a play date i suppose it is very easy to simply ask the woman for permission to engage in anal play. Or do it once, like touch it real quick and ask if that's okay to do. But my question is, why is it assumed to be off limits? The woman has agreed to play with you. You have been given permission, basically, to touch, kiss, caress, and lick all over her body, but damn it, stay away from that butthole. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining.

This is not a complaint. This is just an observation. I just, I find it very interesting. Eva loves anal play. If a guy were to get brave and start playing with her butthole during a play date, she would not stop him. In fact, it happened recently. We played with a couple for the first time over the summer and without asking for permission, he engaged in some anal play with Eva.

Like he started like touching it it putting a finger in it and as part of my casual research for this episode I did end up asking him what made him overcome what a lot of guys I have talked to feel as hesitation toward doing something like that. He responded, well, you shared a few pics of Eva with me where she had a butt plug in. So I knew she liked that sort of thing. I found that to be very observant.

But it also kind of proved proved my point if he hadn't seen those picks he probably would not have been so bold to try and do it with eva on that play date he would not have had the assurance that she enjoyed that sort of thing now um i i kind of, I get it. All right. Now I'm, I'm talking about this topic because I find it interesting, but I do get it. I mean, we all know what, what comes out of a butthole. Okay. So there are health concerns. I get it. It's kind of seen as an unclean thing.

So if you do engage in that sort of play, then you definitely want to be able to wash your hands after doing so. If you put a finger in there, make sure you wash your finger before putting it anywhere else. Okay, so I do get that sort of thing. Now, after all I just said. I have to admit. That I am not sure about the reverse. How guys. Feel about butt play. Like on them. Like if. If women. Or I should say. Are women. Even compelled to do that sort of thing to a guy. I know Eva's not. Now, playing with a woman's butthole is kind of a turn-on for me.

Playing with a guy's butthole, not a turn-on for Eva. but if a woman wanted to play with mine and only one has ever has ever done that in the lifestyle to this date, I wouldn't necessarily stop them. And let me, let me be clear. It's not something I want. It doesn't turn me on. It doesn't feel that great.

Um, I would never ask a woman to do that but if that's something that turns her on and she really wanted it i would let her go for it but it doesn't do much for me but if it does something for you have at it but yeah the butthole is an intriguing subject for me and how it seems to be the most taboo area of the body when it comes to lifestyle play uh keep it clean by the way We'll be right back.

subject for me and how it seems to be the most taboo area of the body when it comes to lifestyle play uh keep it clean by the way all right i have read horror stories on reddit where people get into a playdate situation everybody gets naked and then there arises a very unpleasant odor every story i have read to this point involves a dude not being clean down there. I haven't read any about women, although I'm sure it has happened at some point. But dudes, seriously, take care of yourself down there. Wash. I take extra care in the shower every time to make sure things are very clean down there.

Plus, I have a bidet in my home. When I'm not at home, bathroom wipes are a friend. Use them. Oh, and just a little PSA here. Don't flush them. Although they say on the package that they are flushable? Most are not. still cause clogs and i speak from experience we had to call a plumber to our house back when our kids were very young because of a backup and what was the culprit wipes wipes that did not break up like they were supposed to but anyway back on topic okay keep that butthole clean and avoid awkward embarrassing Thank you. that did not break up like they were supposed to.

But anyway, back on topic, okay? Keep that butthole clean and avoid awkward, embarrassing situations. Besides cleanliness, I wonder, is there an expected butthole grooming etiquette? Like regarding hair? I honestly am not sure, buta takes good care back there waxed for a while um now that's not necessary because she had a permanent hair removal procedure and i'm not sure about how other guys feel about this but me, an ungroomed butthole is a huge turnoff. I, I can't give you a reason why, like why that is so, but it's, it's just a preference, I guess.

Thankfully, I've only come across one woman in the lifestyle who I discovered, the hard way, did not groom back there. It wasn't a deal breaker. It was definitely something I did not prefer. We ended up breaking things off for other reasons after a couple of dates, so it turned out to be a moot point anyway. But yeah, definitely a turn off for me. Okay, I wonder if that is the record for most discussion of buttholes on a podcast ever. Not sure, but enough about them. I got one more uncomfortable topic before I end the show today.

And by the way, when I say that these topics are uncomfortable, I don't mean they are uncomfortable to all. I mean, I'm pretty comfortable talking about anything. And a lot of people are like that. Eva and I know many of them. But I just mean typically.

These are typically what I hear some people are uncomfortable talking about so my last topic is penis size let's get into it first of all does size matter this is a podcast from a male perspective remember so I think it's a it's appropriate that I discuss this topic after consulting with Eva and some other lifestyle women we know I'll see you use it. And I guess that is true to an extent. But here's what I've learned. Size does matter. And Eva will be the first to tell you. She has been with two different guys so far in the lifestyle who've had very small dicks. Very small.

She said she was squeezing her hardest and could hardly feel like they were even inside her at all. So yeah, that small. She did not have a good time with either of those two men, and we never saw either of them again, for multiple reasons, not just that. So, sorry to all the guys who this applies to, but size does matter. But there is a caveat here, okay? Sex is not just about penis and vagina intercourse. We have been with a couple where the guy is, I would say, slightly below average in size. But Eva has a blast with him. Why? Well, his personality is amazing. He is a hell of a lot of fun.

That makes the sex better for Eva. He's amazing with his fingers. That makes the sex better for Eva. He is good at oral. Now, Eva's not a huge fan of receiving oral. I mean, she enjoys it, but she has never and probably will never reach an orgasm from it but this dude is better than most guys that that she's ever been with so it works out so i guess my point is that while size does matter in some ways It doesn't matter in other ways.

As long as you are a fun person inside and outside the bedroom and you got some game elsewhere like good at fingering good at oral good at kissing then you really have nothing to worry about again that's at least what we have learned in our four plus years in the lifestyle. Plus, I will also tell you this. Based on what Eva says, it is also possible for a guy to be too big. Eva has no desire to be with a guy who boasts it. He's like, I'm 9 inches, I'm 10 inches. Admittedly, she's never been with a guy who is massive.

There's a couple whom we play with kind of semi-regularly, and the guy is quite big. And Eva has pretty much said that he is the limit. She has no desire to be with a guy bigger than he is. She has said that he feels great, but he is also very respectful and knows not to, like, fuck the shit out of her with his huge dick. He is very respectful about it. And, just another side note, he's the only man who has ever been able to make Eva squirt with just his dick. Usually it takes a hell of a lot of finger play to get Eva to squirt. But this guy is an exception.

And we think it's because of his size. So, see, size does matter. You know, maybe I should rephrase that, okay? Size is a factor. Let's just say that. Size is a factor. It's not the be-all, end-all, but it is a factor when it comes to pleasing a woman. Now, saying all that, I am sure there are plenty of exceptions. Because one thing I'm not going to go into is vagina size. Some are smaller and tighter than others. So I'm sure there are compatibility issues with the varying size of all our body parts. Okay, I hope you understand I'm just speaking in general terms here.

A guy with a smaller dick, it probably doesn't matter to a woman with a smaller vagina. Man, that's some uncomfortable topics, wasn't it? Because with that, it's time for me to get out of here and wrap up this show. Thanks for sticking with me. Thanks for getting uncomfortable with me today. Do you have any uncomfortable topics you'd like to discuss? Please feel free to send suggestions to me, as well as any comments or questions you might have. I might use them in a future episode. Maybe even revisit the topics I have discussed today. Who knows? But do feel free to reach out.

I love hearing from listeners, and I always try to respond. Whether I decide to use your question and comments in a show or not, I do always try to respond. You can find my Blue Sky page by searching for Evan Swings. You can contact me directly via Instagram at Evan Deanson. That's E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N.

I still even check my Kik account once in a while, so you can reach me there as well also at evan deanson or you can email me evan deanson at gmail.com i hope you enjoyed today's show i hope uh you got a little bit uncomfortable with me or you felt well that wasn't uncomfortable at all if you felt, good for you. That's what we're going for. I hope you'll come back and give me a listen again. Until then, be safe, be wild, and remember, always live life to the fullest.