Ep. 52: Intimidation Factor

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles. Hello, my friends.

Welcome to Evan Swings, a lifestyle podcast from the perspective of a guy in the lifestyle. And that's me, Evan. I am your humble host for this podcast. My wife, Eva, and I have been in the lifestyle for four years now. And we, of course, enjoy sharing our experiences for informational and entertainment purposes. I sometimes give this little disclaimer. I'm not a professional. I don't pretend to be one. I'm just your average Joe. Just your average Joe in the lifestyle. What I say in these podcast episodes, it is my opinion and mine alone. If you are joining me for the first time, welcome.

I love that you are here with me today. If you are interested in learning about how Eva and I started our lifestyle adventure, feel free to go back to listen, uh, go back and listen to episodes one through seven. Maybe it's one through 6, I can't remember, which chronicle our very first lifestyle experiences. And of course, if you are a returning listener, welcome back. Always glad to have you here. Man, I just have to say, finding the time to record these episodes lately has been quite a chore.

I accepted a high school coaching position in August, and so I get home late almost every evening now. That's going to continue through early October. and um um, when I do come home, I am, um, I should say I, when I am coaching, when I come home, it is late. It is very late. And I come home exhausted and I'm not really in the podcast recording sort of mood. And when I actually am, I often have other stuff going on or, you know, my daughter's home and is around the office where I record or I'm busy with my dogs or I have a home improvement project, something going on.

So I am just absolutely delighted to be here now talking to you, finally getting a chance to record an episode. And I apologize ahead of time. My seven-month-old lab puppy is with me right now, as she usually is because we are best buddies, but she is chewing on a very large bone, and I don't have the heart to kick her out of my office right now, so you're just going to have to put up with some cracking and crunching sounds this episode if you choose to continue to listen.

I want to start today's episode with a very minor complaint and a question to you listeners out there about lifestyle club policies. Eva and I recently attended an event at a particular club that I will not name. On the club's website, they posted an announcement that they were cracking down on coolers and bags brought to the club.

They were not going to be permitted, at all now this club like all the other ones that I'm familiar with is BYOB you bring your drinks to the bar at the start of the evening where they put a sticker on it with a number and then they write the number on your admission bracelet so that when you come up to the bar, they know which drinks belong to you. There are no reputable lifestyle clubs near where Eva and I reside.

We have to drive a minimum of an hour to get to one of them them so we have enjoyed or gotten into the habit of putting our drinks in a cooler with ice so that when we arrived at the club they were cold and ready you know we could give you know we could have a drink immediately after we arrive and then drop off our cooler at the bar so everything would be cold and ready. Or, you know, if we had a reserved table, we could take the cooler to the table with us and just grab a drink out whenever we needed one.

Well, this announcement said guests were no longer allowed to bring coolers, even if we were just transporting them to the bar, like they were not allowed to even be walked into the club. I contacted the club via the website and, you know, I went to one of their posts and I just, I politely requested clarification and they responded to me. I was told no coolers of any kind were allowed at the bar or at the tables, no coolers of any kind at the club at all. All drinks needed to be carried in using bags.

And furthermore, the only bags that were allowed were like shopping bags, like, you know, the plastic bags that you get when you go grocery shopping. And when you brought them in, they had to be brought immediately to the bar. Under no circumstances, even if you reserved a table, could they be kept at your table? Not on it, not next to it. And their reasoning was that with so many people and so many bags that are usually put on the floor next to the table. It became a tripping hazard. So whether I think this rule is silly or not, we have to respect it. It's their club, their rules.

We don't have many club options, so we certainly didn't want to piss anyone off. We have to take what we can get here in southwest ohio so yeah so then the night of the event rolls around and i have this reusable insulated shopping bag that eva and i stuff our drinks in and you know we just hope we don't get sent back to our car with it. Well, not only did we walk right in with the bag without even a glance from staff members, but we also walked right to our table, led there by a staff member with the bag and put it on the floor next to the table. No one said anything.

And no one said anything the rest of the night. So I'm not sure what the big deal is. However, here's my question. In the club's response to me, they mentioned that no other clubs allow coolers either. It was, you know, one of the ways they justified establishing the policy. Eva and I have brought our small insulated bag cooler, whatever you want to call it, to every club we have been to. And granted, there have only been three. And we have never had an issue. So my question is, is that really a thing? Do most clubs not allow coolers?

and i'm not talking about the you know the big huge yeti things that are you know three feet long and hold a party's worth of drinks. You know, I'm just talking about a small cooler that holds like six to 10 cans of drinks. Do most clubs have a strict rule about how to transport drinks into their venue? After this incident, I'm just very curious about it. How do other clubs across the United States, and even around the world, how do they handle the transportation of drinks into the club? Are coolers allowed?

If I have any listeners out there who have been to clubs and are willing to share their experience with this, I would love to hear about it. My contact information will be given, as always, towards the end of the show. I would love to hear your comments about this and circle back to it in a future episode and you know with a report of the data that you guys provide me with. But for now onward we go. The intimidation factor. Let's get into it. I try to be as real as possible on this podcast. Over the course of my 52 episodes thus far, I have been very honest about everything.

Even sensitive issues. I apologize, I had to stop the recording there, so dog-related pause there. Um, so anyway, been very honest about everything, even sensitive issues like STIs and, and, uh, ED regarding ED. I will completely and freely admit that I suffer from it, but I call it selective ED. I have absolutely no issues getting hard for Eva. She is my wife. I feel a sense of comfort around her more than anyone else on the planet, obviously. And all my body parts recognize that. But when it comes to other women in the lifestyle, I have come to find that with me, it is a complete crapshoot.

Going into a play date, I just don't know if I'm going to have issues. Sometimes my friend will stand at attention for hours. Other times, it will be as flaccid as a cooked spaghetti noodle. It just boggles my mind. For example, Eva and I are on a playdate. We are in a hotel room or a bedroom. The sexy music is playing. The mood lighting is on. Everyone is naked. Eva is giving oral sex to another woman. And a guy is fucking her from behind. I should be so, so fucking turned on by that. Sex is happening, and I want to have sex.

But for whatever reason, my brain is not properly communicating with my penis. Let me give you an example. On a recent play date, everyone was ready to go. But a certain body part of mine was not cooperating. Now, I was eventually able to get hard enough to get the job done. But I was never fully rock hard. The moment the other couple left, and I do mean the moment they walked out the door, Eva came right over to me to give me a hug and a kiss, and I immediately, instantly felt my dick rise to the occasion, rise to attention. Suddenly, the hardest it had been all evening.

And then we had some great reclaim sex. That same evening, well, a few hours later, so it was like the middle of the night, so early, early morning. I woke up and had to use the bathroom. When I came back to the bed, my hand grazed Eva's butt. Just like, gently touched it. And I became rock hard in an instant. Like, throbbing, pulsating, solid concrete hard. I had to wake up Eva for another round. What in the actual hell? It makes no sense to me. I have talked to my family physician about this. I have talked to two different urologists. I have talked to a licensed sex therapist.

They all say the exact same thing. There is nothing wrong with my plumbing, so to speak. My body is fully functional. It is, this problem is 100% mental. I have tried almost every ED med on the market. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, Blue Chew, Hymns, Ruggiet Ready. I don't know how to say it. Ruggiet Ready. None have been able to completely override my brain. One of those in particular has really helped, and I'm very pleased with it. But I want to save that to discuss in a later episode.

Because I want to do an episode at some point where I review all the products that I just mentioned, since I have legitimately tried them all. And, you know, I want to be able to give my honest opinion about them to, you know, any guys who are listening out there who have similar issues. But anyway, I am an overthinker. I think that's painfully obvious if you have listened to several of my episodes here.

And because of that have found myself doing a uh a deep dive a thorough analysis into what causes this because like i said it's a uh it's a crapshoot you know there are there are dates where i have no trouble at all like my last episode about my solo play date with Ivy. No issues whatsoever. I was hard for two and a half hours at least. So what triggers this in me? I have come to some conclusions. well, not really conclusions, more like a hypothesis about why this keeps happening to me. I started thinking about the play partners that I have had. The ones that I've had the most trouble.

You know, which ones have I had the most trouble with, which ones have I had the least trouble with? I wanted to see if there was some sort of pattern. I told you, I overthink. Well, the first thing that came to mind was regarding a couple with whom we play without condoms. If you recall, I have mentioned this before, we have a standing agreement with one and only one couple. They only go condom-free with us, and we only go condom-free with them. No exceptions. They get tested regularly. We get tested regularly. We have established a close, trusting relationship with them.

Well, with this particular couple, I usually do not have any issues getting and maintaining an erection. I begin to think, were condoms part of the problem? Sure enough, I found dozens of articles. I found dozens of posts on Reddit where guys experienced incredibly similar issues when condoms were involved. In fact, some even reported simply pausing the foreplay and reaching for a condom was a boner killer. Like that alone, just pausing for a moment and opening up a condom killed an erection. Some said that the sound of the wrapper was enough to kill their erection.

Therefore, I truly believe that is part of the problem. I don't think there is a guy alive who will disagree with me when I say that wearing a condom is far inferior to playing bear. I will go further than that and say I hate condoms. I hate wearing them. And my brain knows this. So even if I am simply getting ready to wear one, like it's not even on me yet, I think it registers in my brain. And my brain doesn't like it's not even on me yet, I think it registers in my brain and my brain doesn't like it. It prevents the necessary blood flow to, uh, down below. I dug even further.

There are steps people recommend to combat this, like practicing at home, wearing a condom with your wife, masturbating while wearing one, basically normalizing condoms, making it more natural, getting your brain used to it. Adding lube to the inside of the condom to increase sensation. That was another suggestion. Wearing a cock ring in addition to the condom. And there are probably others that I've read about, but those were the most prominent suggestions. Then I read one that was a real eye-opener to me. It was a suggestion to find a better-fitting condom.

You see, I guess if a condom is too tight, it can partially cut off blood flow, which will in turn reduce or eliminate an erection. I had never considered that. And then I got to thinking even more. I am, I'm going to talk about my dick here. I am very average when it comes to length, but I'm a little above average when it comes to girth. Have I been using condoms that were too tight the last four plus years in the lifestyle? Well, a little bit ago, I purchased some larger-sized condoms. I think they're called Skin King Large or something like that.

I put one on, and son of a bitch, wouldn't you know it, it fit me so much better. I was shocked. Have I been using condoms that were too small for me all this time? And because it was too tight, it caused me to not be as hard, which in turn caused my brain to have a more severe aversion to them. Well, my friends, that was a few days ago. so I have yet to experiment with them in an actual lifestyle situation. But I have to say, I'm very eager to explore this, and I will be very happy to share the results in a future episode. But enough about condoms, okay?

because I am confident there is more to my problem than a condom that is too tight. As I continued my deep dive into what causes my selective ED, I started thinking about my previous partners, and something did strike me. I found that there may be something to who I play with, how, how attractive they are and, uh, and, or what they are into sexually just might be a factor. Now Eva and I have a rule that we never take one for the team. But I admit that there are some play partners that we have had who I have found more attractive than others. Both physically and non-physically.

So if I'm sitting there thinking, this woman is completely out of my league. She is playing down a level. Or this woman is so hot, she's just having sex with me so her husband can be with Eva. If that gets in my brain, that is going to affect my performance. And looking back, generally speaking, there are exceptions. Okay, the hotter the woman has been, the more trouble I have had with ED. But there have been exceptions as well. But it's an, it's an intimidation factor. There are, there are two women in particular who I'm thinking about right now, who we've played with several times.

And I don't think I have ever been fully hard with either of them ever because they are intimidating to me. So, so beautiful. I tell myself how hot they are. I tell myself, you have to perform well. You have to please this woman. She's expecting you to bring your A-game. She deserves your A-game. And then I'm never on my A game. It is incredibly frustrating. It's like in my mind that I set the standard of sex that I think a woman of that caliber craves. And I immediately worry that I won't be able to meet that standard. And then that's an instant boner killer.

Now again, there have been exceptions. Two examples immediately come to mind. Times when I have thought my usual, I have no business being with a woman this beautiful. Those type of thoughts. And yet, I was able to perform just fine. But in those two situations, the ones that I'm thinking of right now, I distinctly remember a difference, something that could have made a difference. And that is the way they acted with me. They gave me a ton of compliments Told me how sexy I was How handsome I was And that is the way they acted with me. They gave me a ton of compliments. Told me how sexy I was.

How handsome I looked. One even pulled up my shirt and told me how sexy my chest and stomach looked. And how I should be showing it off. That kind of stuff puts me at ease. One of them told me how much she wanted me and how good my touch felt. Stuff like that, that pushes the anxiety, the intimidation, it pushes it away. It makes me feel more loose and comfortable. It makes me think, okay, you know, maybe this woman and I are in the same league after all. But the question is, how do I fight this? I shouldn't need compliments and assurances to get an erection. My penis works just fine.

I hate, though, that my brain gets in the way so much. So, so much. I hate that I go into a bedroom during a playdate and immediately have to wonder if I'm going to be able to perform. There's one other thing that I hope to try i just haven't had the opportunity yet i think maybe if we start a play session with me playing with eva that might help she gets me going and then once i'm all riled up with a a raging boner, then I could work my way over to the other woman. But honestly, that's not what usually happens on our playdates. In fact, now that I think of it, I don't think that ever happens.

And, and why should it? We start playing games like a board or car games and, and the guy and Eva start interacting with some kissing and touching and, and that escalates from there. And me obviously with the, with the other woman as well. Or we get a room, and Eva and the other woman will often start off by playing together. In fact, on a recent trip to a club, I offered to drive our friends to and from the event. I don't drink more than one drink at a club, because, again, alcohol can have negative effects on my friend downstairs.

So we might as well save the money on Ubers and have me drive. Well, the husband and I were in the front seat while Eva and the other woman just started going at it in the back seat. I mean, I'm talking full-on dresses hiked up nether regions exposed oral sex going at it it was incredibly hot and difficult for me to stay focused on the road well they were all raring to go when we arrived at the hotel i mean mean, they got a good head start in the car. So I didn't have any time to get settled and comfortable. But again, why do I even need that time?

I had two incredibly hot women fucking each other in the back of my SUV. That alone should have got all my body parts ready to go but the same thing happened in fact this was the this was the same night that i mentioned earlier where uh the other couple left and then i got hard almost immediately when eva hugged and kissed me my point is especially when you have gotten fairly close with a couple, like they become regular playmates, you're comfortable with them. There really isn't a reason to start off with your own spouse. You know, it's time to get down and dirty, right?

We're not there to play with our spouses. I don't know. It's just, it has become incredibly frustrating. I hate the intimidation factor I feel when I'm with a woman who I feel is out of my league. Unfortunately, I get that feeling a lot, and I just don't know how to get past it. If ED meds, sex therapists, doctors, urologists, if they can't help me, what can? One urologist suggested looking into injections.

we know a guy part of a couple we play with once in a while once in a great while who does just that it works like a charm and he is rock solid hard the entire time but i just can't bring myself to stick a needle my dick. I just cannot do it. I have a, I've had a strong hate for needles my whole life and I have no desire to shove one into one of the most sensitive parts of my body. And again, I have found, I found a certain ED med that I feel has helped more than others, which I will talk about again sometime.

And if you're dying to know, feel free to contact me, and I will be happy to tell you all about it before you hear me discuss it in a future episode. But I'm still experimenting with the timing and the dosing of it, so I can't conclusively tell you it's the best met on the market yet. That will, that will come down the road as will, um, as will my results with the larger condom experiment. God, I hate condoms though. I can't tell you how much I hate them.

And again, I'm, I'm sure that, uh that that is a big part of the blood flow block that seems to occur with me so I wish I had a solution for any guys listening to this who experience the same issues as I do. And I know there are many out there because I've read all about them. I like to entertain and inform. And I really wish I could be informing you right now of a no doubt effective every time solution. But unfortunately, I don't have one. I hope listening to this and knowing you are not alone is good enough for now. Because, you know, misery loves company, right?

Maybe someday I will have a more conclusive answer. Hit me up, everyone. hit me up with comments, questions, suggestions, answers to my question from earlier about bringing coolers to the club. I know with a podcast like this, listeners probably hope to be receiving advice rather than giving it. But if anyone out there has has had any success overcoming the boner-blocking intimidations and anxiety that I have described, I would love to hear what you have to say. Love to hear your suggestions. I may even include your suggestions in a future episode when I revisit this subject.

All right, the usual ending here. You can find me on Blue Sky by searching for Evan Swings. I have a page on there. It should come right up when you search for it. You can also email me, evandenson, that's E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N, gmail.com, evandeanson at gmail.com. Or find me on Instagram or Kik by searching for Evan Deanson. Shoot me a message. I would love to hear from you. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and hope you'll come back and listen to me rant and rave about the lifestyle again soon. Take care, everyone.

And remember, be safe, safe be naughty and always live life to the fullest