Ep. 49: Wife Poaching

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

Hi, everyone, and welcome to Evan Swings, a podcast about the upside-down pineapple lifestyle. There are a lot of lifestyle podcasts out there. A lot. What makes this one different? Well, this is a lifestyle podcast from a guy's perspective.

Just about every other lifestyle podcast I have ever come across is hosted by a couple usually a husband and his wife well i am your host evan and while my wife eva has guest hosted on my show several times in its existence um it's usually just me on here ranting and raving about all things lifestyle related i have actually um only found one other lifestyle podcast where it's just the dude hosting. And there's probably others, I just haven't come across them yet. If you're new here, welcome. I welcome you to the show and I hope you enjoy it. As I said, I'm Evan.

I'm 48 years old and I I have been in the lifestyle with my wife, Eva, for about four years now. I follow several Swinger-related subreddits, and on one of them where they discussed podcasts, it was mentioned that some of them feature hosts with annoying voices. Well, I hope that you will find that my voice is not annoying. And to my returning listeners, welcome back. Glad to have you listening as always. This episode is going to be kind of a hodgepodge.

I wanted to use this episode to talk about a few things that wouldn't really take up a whole episode each, like on its own, like on their own. But I have a topic for discussion and then two short stories, and one of them is actually very short. Both of them would definitely fit into my ongoing interesting and infuriating interactions series that I've done in the past, but instead, I'm just combining them into this one episode. Before I begin today, I want to start with kind of a PSA. As I record this, the summer is almost over. As a teacher, I will be back to school very soon.

When the summer began, I had this thought that, that I was going to like live it up in the lifestyle. Well, that didn't happen. Eva and I had a couple of dates, but that was about it. You know, a phrase that I like to use is life gets in the way. And that's what happened. You know, life got in the way.

But in addition to life getting in the way and that's what happened you know life got in the way but in addition to life getting in the way a uh Dayton area couple remember we are from the Dayton Ohio area uh you know a Dayton couple that you know whom we've gotten really close with decided to take an indefinite break from the lifestyle. And if you listen to this podcast often, you know that Eva and I prefer to keep a small circle of lifestyle friends, friends with benefits, you might say. So with this couple stepping back, we don't have many options.

In fact, there is only one other Dayton area couple that we consider our lifestyle friends. Now there's another couple who we hang out with semi-regularly in Cincinnati, but they're over an hour from us. So it takes some planning and we're all busy people. So we don't see them all that often. And then another couple is about 50 minutes north of us. That's it, folks. That's all we have.

we have we certainly you know we don't get around so to speak in the lifestyle and we don't really we don't really initiate contact online we prefer to wait for interested couples to contact us now later on in this episode i I'll share a couple of stories about this. But in the meantime, my PSA is this. If you reach out to a couple and introduce yourselves and therefore show interest, follow through. If you, you know, if you, if you take the step to reach out to someone do it do it because you intend to follow through.

If you take the step to reach out to someone, do it because you intend to follow through, because you are genuinely interested. And I'm saying this because in just the last few weeks, we have had not one, not two, but three different couples contact us through SDC and SLS to introduce themselves. Then I respond back, introducing Eva and me, and then we never hear from them again.

and on these two sites you can tell if they if they're online and and they have they have been online and with sdc you can see if if they they have read a response and they have they've read our response they just didn't write back so So people, don't waste others' time. Only initiate contact if you are genuinely interested and hope to have a conversation with the intention of ultimately meeting in person.

I mean, why even bother saying hello if you don't intend to have a conversation very frustrating indeed and in a bit i will tell you two stories that kind of add to my frustration with this but let's start next with the title of this week's episode, Wife Poaching. Ladies and gentlemen, Eva and I have been in the lifestyle for over four years now. It was four years back in June of 2025. We have seen a lot. We have heard a lot. We have done a lot.

We felt we were pretty up to date on all the lifestyle lingo out there and we've we've learned a lot along the way when we first started we we didn't know what bed hoppers were we learned uh pretty quickly the differences between full swap soft swap, parallel play, and then all the sexual terms, demisexual, sapiosexual. We didn't know what those were when we first started. Heck, you know, we didn't even know what the term hot wife meant until we got a little ways into the lifestyle.

And after four years, we figured we'd heard it all not the case because just a few weeks before the recording of this episode I came across a term I had never heard of and that term is wife poaching and And I am a daily Reddit user. I love Reddit. I use it to get my hockey fix. I use multiple sources for that. But regardless, I do get a lot of hockey info on Reddit. Political news, I get a lot of that on Reddit.

And of course, I follow a lot of lifestyle conversations on reddit there are a ton of them if you go to the subreddit swingers i think i mentioned that earlier there are dozens of new topics each week and a lot of times i see posts from people who who are asking others like other reddit users who are in the lifestyle for advice and i'm happy to say that uh evan swings has been on a few reddit discussions where people have asked for lifestyle podcast recommendations. So yeah, there is a lot of lifestyle discussion on there.

And just in the last few weeks, the topic of wife poaching has been brought up and discussed multiple times and like I said I had not heard of it before I'm a little embarrassed not much just slightly embarrassed that I that I had never heard of it so just in case you have you have apparently been living under a rock like me I'm going to explain what the term wife poaching means and this is kind of a definition that I've formulated I didn't grab this off of Google or any site so wife poaching is when a couple I assume it can be a same-sex couple,sex couple, but for my example, I'm going to use a man and a woman.

So, it's when a couple expresses interest in another couple, but in actuality, both the man and the woman are only interested in the female of the other couple. In essence, it's kind of a scheme, like it's kind of a trick. They're only interested in the female. There are two possible outcomes of this scheme that the man and woman could be hoping for. One is to isolate the woman from the man. Like, they're hoping that they will end up playing separately with the woman in a full threesome situation or where the man just ends up watching.

At first, they're very friendly with both the man and the woman like uh that that's kind of like the the deceptive part they're they're acting friendly towards both and interested uh towards both maybe putting you know falsely putting out a vibe that they're interested in a full swap when in actuality they are not then after some conversation and flirting they ask if the wife will play separately with them so that's one outcome the other outcome and i i find this just terrible is that they all end up in a playroom together. Assume this is at a club for this example.

So they're all in a playroom together and the man and the woman end up completely ignoring the husband and only give attention to the wife in this outcome the man ends up just watching left wondering what the hell is going on like the man is interested and expecting to be involved in the play but is intentionally left out i've read several reddit posts detailing situations where this has occurred and i just think i think it's awful so dishonest you know two couples go into a room one couple thinks it's going to be a full swap but the other is only interested in playing with the wife.

That is wife poaching. And I wanted to give my take on this, now that I know what it is. Again, I think it's terrible. Okay, I think it's dishonest. I'm happy to say, though, Eva and I have never experienced an attempt at wife poaching in our four years in the lifestyle. But now that I'm aware of it, I think we'd be pretty good at nipping it in the bud if it were to ever occur.

I think the way we go about meeting couples is a pretty good defense in itself we do not play on the first date and that is eva's rule not mine by the way we uh insist on a vanilla date first usually that's dinner and drinks and that allows us to talk and get to know each other um Eva is very good at reading people I'm not but she is so if there was ever any intent to wife poach I think she'd pick up on it pretty quickly and easily but usually having a vanilla first date I'll see you next time. I think she'd pick up on it pretty quickly and easily.

But usually having a vanilla first date, it offers all four people present to state intentions and kind of see where the vibe is.

Plus, we engage in a lot of communication prior to a play date we primarily use telegram nowadays to you know to chat with our lifestyle friends doing so allows us to learn a lot about each other prior to playing for the first time i've had a lot of conversations with the male half of a couple where we talk about what our wives enjoy um you know what they like what they don't like as a way to kind of get better prepared for a play date you know we want to make we want to make our best impression and give the most uh pleasure possible so it's kind of like exchanging notes a little bit well i would think that if there was no intention of the woman playing with me i would not be having those conversations i wouldn't be given all that information ahead of time.

But let's say you are not like Evan and Eva. Let's say you are totally fine meeting a couple for the first time at a club and playing with them there. That seems to be what a lot of the Reddit discussions focused on, situations that took place at a club. So how do you defend against wife poaching? What I'm about to tell you is my personal advice based on what I feel I would do after, again, reading a lot of the responses to Reddit posts regarding wife poaching. I have to remind you, as I said, this has never happened to me before.

But now that I know that wife poaching is a thing, if Eva were to ever change her mind about playing with a couple we had just met at a club, this is what I would do. Ask. That's it. Ask. There is a particular question going around the lifestyle community these days, particular terminology that I guess is now the accepted way or becoming the accepted way to find out what a couple is interested in. And that question is, what is your dynamic? What is your dynamic? I remember being asked that at least one time before when a couple reached out to us on SLS or SDC.

I knew exactly what was being asked of us. I just remember thinking that I'd never heard it expressed in that way before. Well, again, I guess it has become more common nowadays. What is your dynamic? That is kind of an all-encompassing question that allows all parties to specifically indicate what they are interested in. Assuming the other couple is being honest when you ask that question, they will tell you, well, we are interested in full swaps, or we are interested in watching and being watched, or we really just want to fuck your wife, not you.

And again, assuming everyone is being open and honest in a situation like that. And even if you don't use that exact question, ask. Find out specifically what all four people are interested in regarding play. Be specific and make sure everyone is on the same page. It is important that you know everyone's dynamic. This way, before you go into that playroom, everyone knows exactly what their role is going to be, be it an active participant or a spectator. So that is my advice to avoid wife poachers. Ask. And to anyone out there who is actually knowingly a wife poacher, come on. Grow up.

Be honest. Don't be a dick. What you are doing is unfair and, dare I say, unethical. Fix it. And if you don't want to do a full swap, if you are only interested in the wife, that is totally 100% fine. But make your intentions clear. Don't lead a poor dude on I'll see you next time. 100% fine but make your intentions clear don't lead a poor dude on just so you can have your fun and believe me i i know that finding a woman to play as part as an fmf is hard trust me i know I have gone on and on about that multiple times on this podcast. It's very difficult and sometimes very frustrating.

But you know what? I'm not going to trick someone into it. That's just wrong. So be honest, be fair. Okay, moving on to my next segment. I told you I had two stories to share. I seem to have a lot of these and it just makes me wonder, do I have more of these than other people? Stories where I end up shaking my head regarding interactions that I've had, you know, communicating with other couples via text messaging. And these two stories that I'm about to share fall into that category. My first one is super quick.

I use a couple of different lifestyle apps, as I've said, to hopefully find and connect with other couples. The ones that I'm thinking of are kind of like SDC or SLS, where you read another couple's profile, and if you're interested, you hit the like button. And then if they hit the like button on your profile, it's a match. On this one particular app, unless you pay for a subscription, which I do not want to do, you can't message another couple unless you match with them. Well, we matched with this one couple.

Now, normally, if you are a respectful, mature individual contacting another couple for the first time, how would you open a conversation? For me, for us, it's something like, hi, we are Evan and Eva. Thanks for the like. Something simple like that. Or maybe add something like, we live in the Dayton area. Feel free to chat with us sometimes. Something like that. Okay, polite, respectful, friendly, inviting. Well, let me tell you how this couple opened the conversation. Four words and a question mark. Big dick and ass? That's it. That's all they wrote. Big dick and ass. Question mark.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Are you asking me if I have a big dick and a big ass? Are you asking if we are into big dicks and big asses? No idea. But regardless, that's not how Eva and I appreciate a conversation being started. We expect that you open with a friendly greeting, demonstrating respect and class. You didn't introduce yourself. You didn't say hello. You didn't include a pleasantry of any kind, you chose to write big dick and ass. I just, I found that incredibly rude and classless really.

this was obviously a couple eva and i would not want to be with so i just immediately blocked them not going to waste my time evan's tip always be classy polite respectful and kind when starting a conversation with another couple. As the old saying goes, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And now, on to my other story of frustration. If you have listened to the show frequently, you have no doubt heard me rant about how difficult it is to meet people in the Dayton, Ohio area where we live.

It is a small city compared to the likes of Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Cleveland, etc. It is not a hotbed of lifestyle activity. So when an attractive local couple reaches out to us, we are thrilled. This particular couple wasn't exactly from our area.

They had kind of a unique situation they were uh i guess recently married they were um recently married but due to due to living arrangements involving their children from a previous marriage they had not yet moved in together one of them lived about 40 minutes north of us and the other lived about 40 minutes east of us we were smack dab in the middle they started they started talking to us well me remember i i handle the messaging until eva meets a couple in person and decides she would like to be part of the conversations. And they seemed very excited that we lived where we do.

They suggested, since it was right in the middle of where they both lived, that if all went well and we hit it off that they would be able to meet us here in our town perfect right well this was back in early may when we started talking we started on sls then they suggested we move to telegram and at this point i want to be clear that i i specifically told them that eva will not chat on telegram until she has met a couple in person i was clear about that i promise you we both had a lot going on in may like both of like eva and myself and this other couple.

We both had a lot going on in May, like Eva and myself and this other couple. We both had a lot going on. We both had a kid who was graduating from high school. Neither of us had any free time to get together for a vanilla meet and greet. But we agreed that once things settled down after graduation, we would get together for dinner. Graduation rolled around, and I told them that we now had a lot of flexibility with our calendar. I told them the ball was in their court. Just let us know when they had some free dates. Shoot us some possibilities.

They explained that they were still busy with family matters, but they would get us some possible dates shortly. And in the meantime, we did keep chatting off and on. And to be honest, now that I think about it, it was mostly her. It was almost always her. so uh guy was part of the group chat. It was me, him, and her, but it was almost always her messaging. We kept waiting. We kept waiting for them to check their calendars. And then, inevitably, the text messages started dwindling. You know, we were at the end of June, it had been a month, and we still had no date.

Then, I just happened to be scrolling through Telegram, and I noticed that our conversation had been deleted. Okay, I guess that was that. But then a few days later, I was on SLS. Now, SLS shows you who has most recently visited your profile. Well, guess who had most recently visited our profile? That couple. They were checking out our profile again. I was like, what the hell is going on? They deleted our conversation, but are now checking us out again on SLS? It didn't make sense. So I reached out to them. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or a weird glitch. You never know.

I simply said, hey, I know you're not going to be able to do it, but I know you're not or a weird glitch. You never know. I simply said, hey, I noticed you deleted our telegram conversation. We assume you are no longer interested, but if you ever change your mind, we would still love to meet you guys. Very polite, you know, very kind, I thought thought and then one of them responded and I'm reading this word for word now not a lack of interest the conversation stalled out and time has passed so I assumed life was happening. Interesting. I explained that was not at all the case.

I explained that we were just waiting on them to give us a date that they could meet. I explained that I was a teacher off for the summer with plenty of free time and that Eva makes her own work hours so we could work around their schedule. They responded that they didn't know they were didn't know that we were waiting on them to come up with with some possible dates, which is crazy because I was pretty darn specific. I told them about a week-long vacation we were taking in July. When we would be unavailable. But other than that, we would be glad to meet them anytime they were free.

I was told that sounded great. They even offered to reopen the Telegram chat. I politely declined. I said, let's just meet first and see if we have chemistry before we do that. And then we would just keep chatting on the SLS interface until that time. Then they said they would circle back this weekend and share some dates. I said we were looking forward to it, and I think they said, sounds good, have a good week. Yeah, that's what they said. Sounds good, have a good week. Well, that was June 30th. We did not hear from them until two weeks later, July 13th. Here's what they wrote.

Hope this finds you both doing well. Wanted to circle back. Our schedules haven't allowed for a chance to meet up, and it's a challenge to know if we all will connect. Respect your process, but without all four of us chatting before meeting meeting it's hard to get a pulse if there's a connection to pursue we wish you luck on your lifestyle fun i responded we understand and appreciate you circling back take care what a waste of time they seem to just jerk us. They knew our process from the get-go. They seemed totally fine with it.

Then all of a sudden, it bothers them that Eva is not part of the group chat? You knew that would be the case from the start. You were supposed to come up with dates to send to us, and you failed twice. So don't throw the blame at us, which is seemingly what they did, as polite as they made it sound. You know, we were all in. All you had to do was tell us where and when you wanted to get together. I told you before, I read a lot of lifestyle stuff on Reddit. This stuff is complained about more frequently than you might think.

And when people complain about it, you know, flaky people, the messages that end up going nowhere, the responses are always the same. The responses in these Reddit conversations. People say, stay off the apps. Stay off the sites. Do your meeting in person at clubs or lifestyle events. That is all well and good if you are comfortable with that process. But for Eva and myself, that's not our thing. We rely on the messaging. We rely on it to first break the ice and to vet people before meeting them in person.

Neither one of us are, for lack of a better word, brave enough to walk up to random people we are attracted to at clubs and introduce ourselves that's just not our style i appreciate those who are able to do that but for us the sites the apps the messaging that's our method and it's just, it should be easier than it is. It really should. But people like this frustrate the hell out of me, especially when it's, it's a local couple. And that's like finding gold only to have it stolen away. Again, I have a, I have to give a little tip here.

If something bothers you from the start, in this case, apparently the fact that Eva was not part of the group chat, say so. End it. If something makes you uncomfortable, walk away. Politely indicate you are not a match and then move on. Don't drag things on. Don't make excuses about being too busy and then suddenly blame it on something you knew from the start. That's what happened here. Just be honest and forthright with people. It would solve so much.

It would take away so much aggravation and with that i will end today's episode thanks for sticking with me today i hope you enjoyed it and maybe gained a bit of a new perspective on some stuff send your comments and suggestions my way you're always welcome to do that you can get in touch with me a bit of a new perspective on some stuff. Send your comments and suggestions my way. You're always welcome to do that. You can get in touch with me a number of ways. One, visit my Blue Sky page. Go to Blue Sky. Search for Evan Swings. It will pop right up for you. You can also find me on Instagram.

My username is Evan Deanson. That's E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N. Evan Deenson. Or shoot me an email. Old-fashioned email. EvanDeenson at gmail.com. I'm always glad to hear from listeners and respond to any and all questions you may have. Eva is always available as well if you prefer to ask her a question. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and hope that you will join me again for another exciting, riveting episode of Evan Swings. Until next time, be safe, be naughty, and remember, always live life to the fullest.