Ep. 44: The Worst Kissers Ever

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

Hi everyone and welcome to Evan Swings, a podcast about the swinger lifestyle from the perspective of a guy in the lifestyle. I'm Evan. I'm that guy. I swing. And I thank you for joining me today. For those of you who are tuning in for the first time, I am half of a lifestyle couple. The other half is my wife, Eva. We've been in the lifestyle for a little over three and a half years now and I want to say thank you as always to anyone who is a returning listener. I appreciate the support more than you know and again anyone new to the show I welcome you. Thanks for thanks for giving me a chance.

I hope you like it and if you're interested in learning about how Eva and I got Thank you. thanks for, uh, thanks for giving me a chance. I hope you like it. And if you're interested in learning about how Eva and I got into the lifestyle and hearing about some of our first adventures, please feel free to check out some of my earliest episodes, but please also remember, I am not an expert.

You'd probably laugh if you, uh, if you actually saw where i where i record this podcast nothing professional about it at all i'm sitting in my home office on my personal pc with just a basic microphone from amazon and free audio software in fact um I probably should warn you that my dogs seem unusually barky today, so that may come through on the microphone at times.

This episode is going to be all about the worst kissers Eva and I have ever encountered encountered i'll get to that but first just a quick um update on operation fogsy the subject of episode 41 a few episodes ago if you haven't't listened to that episode yet, I talk about sharing the secret that I am a swinger with someone I work with. A very, very attractive female someone I work with. While I 100% truly, honestly wanted her advice on something, I admit I had a bit of an ulterior motive when I decided to share my secret with her.

was hoping by some strange twist of fate she would be interested in me you know i i mean i fantasize about her all the time maybe just maybe she thought of me in a similar way and if she did until knew I was a swinger, there was nothing she could do about it. So I told her. She now knows my secret. So if there ever came a day where she wanted to make something happen, she could. She is now aware that it is a viable option. I'm going to take a look at this one. something happen, she could. She is now aware that it is a viable option. I am not pursuing her.

My plan, Operation Fogsy, was to make her aware. Having a sexual relationship with a co-worker is I imagine a very slippery slope I certainly do not do not wish to risk ruining our our professional relationship but at the same time I wanted to take a chance I pictured myself sitting in a nursing home someday, looking back on these years and thinking to myself, why didn't you just put yourself out there for that coworker? I mean, what would it have hurt? How would it really have changed your life that badly or that much? I didn't, I didn't want to look back with regret. So I did it.

I told her now the ball is, um, in her court and it has been in her court. Like I said, I won't pursue her. I will not do that. But if she ever gets curious about the lifestyle and has questions, she knows who she could ask. I'd be happy to tell her all about it. And if that led to anything else, well then so be it. So my update is this. There is not much to report. In the week or two after I told her, I felt like she saw me kind of in a different light. And maybe a little bit of a negative light.

Like I was, I was different now and it was probably my brain overthinking things, but that's what happened. But the last few weeks, the, the, you know, the several weeks after that, I, I feel like it, I feel like it's back to normal. She was laughing and joking with me the other day at lunch and she's kind of a touchy feely person, you know, like puts her hand on people's arms or shoulder when she talks to them.

And I worried that, that now that she knew my secret, she would feel uncomfortable doing that to me almost like I was repulsive now in some way but we talked in our in our staff lounge and she put her hand on my shoulder and and you know when she said something I can't remember what it was. And so all seems back to normal, I guess. I just hope it stays in the back of her mind, like just kind of camps out there that when she sees me, Hmm, he's a, he's in the lifestyle. i hear all kinds of stories about lonely women who just want a quick, no-strings-attached playdate.

And some of those stories that I've heard are from people that I know. So it happens. It's not just a Hollywood thing. And I sure would like to be a part of one of those stories. You just never know. Like I said, the ball is in her court now. Eva has given me her blessing should something happen. But I am certainly not going to take the initiative and try to seduce her or anything. Again, I don't want to, to, uh, risk losing our professional relationship. That could get very awkward having to see her every day.

And, you know, there's something uncomfortable between us I get that but I keep thinking, you know, maybe someday she'll see a show on TV or a movie where there's swingers portrayed on screen and that might trigger some questions about the lifestyle and she might think We'll be right back. where there's swingers portrayed on screen. And that might trigger some questions about the lifestyle. And she might think, oh, I can ask Evan. Maybe he knows, since he's a swinger. We have a chat, one thing leads to another, and then boom, fantasy fulfilled.

Okay, okay, I know it's a long shot, a massive long shot. But a guy can dream, can't he? And now, quick aside here.

Speaking of movies and TV shows portraying swingers, I have to say, I've never come across a tv show or movie that accurately portrays swingers um the most recent show that i remember is a show called ghosts and in the show the neighbors of the main characters are swingers and i remember in one of the episodes i was talking to eva about this you know as we were watching and we're like that's what the producers the writers of this show that's what they think happens that's what they think swingers do and it's not accurate it's it's it just doesn't you know as someone in the lifestyle you look at that now and you're like oh that's that's not what it's all about so um that's why I think someone like uh this co-worker of mine she might see this portrayed on tv or movies and be like is that really what happens i should ask evan but again total long shot okay i promised you a story about the worst kissers ever so here we go this took place um a little less than a year ago from the recording of this, we're talking about beginning of the summer of 2024.

Now, I have to admit something to you listeners. You know what is one thing I really enjoy about the lifestyle? Variety. Eva has big boobs. I get to play with big boobs all the time. The lifestyle allows me the chance to play with huge boobs, medium-sized boobs, small boobs. I get to be with women of different hair colors, tight butts and big butts, mom bods and tight bods. And that's just the physical stuff. I mean, there's also styles or preferences of how they act in bed. You know, some, some women like to ride, some do not. Some are loud in bed. some are quiet.

Some like dirty talk, others do not. Some like to be spanked, some do not. Some are more pillow princesses as well. Some want to be in control the whole time, you know, they're more assertive. Different things turn different women on. So i think you get the point hopefully you do variety is one of the great aspects of the lifestyle it's one of the things i love about it the chance to to experience different um different styles of sex different uh, positions, different, different situations.

I mean, what fun would it be if I were to go for someone who looked and acted the exact same way that Eva looks and and acts what would be the point of that well all right well i guess i guess two evas would be fun in an fmf but that's kind of fun to think about but um i hope you get my point here anyway included on my bucket fuck it list. I wanted to be with a woman several years older than me. Up to that point, every woman I had been with in the lifestyle had been younger than me, except one, I think. Now, I'm not saying I wanted an elderly woman, all right?

But I was interested in being with someone a bit older. I wasn't, you know, out on the websites actively searching for older women. But I was certainly hoping that one day I would have the chance to be with one. That opportunity presented itself last summer. Usually I do not make the first move when it comes to communicating with new couples. I wait for them to see our profile and let them reach out to us. But occasionally, I do take the initiative and send out a message introducing ourselves and expressing interest. It is rare, but it does happen.

Well, that's exactly what happened in this situation.

I decided i'm just going to reach out because i came across this profile on sls and there wasn't a whole lot to go on the location was the cincinnati area surprise surprise by the way um ages were shown and some information about them i could tell that i would appreciate their sense of humor because because of some of the funny things they put in their profile and sense of humor is a big part of attraction for both eva and myself and they had a few photos, but they were all of her and her face was obscured in each one, presumably for discretion.

Normally I wouldn't even consider reaching out to someone like this, but I really, really liked the humor in their profile and I decided to take a chance. I started up a conversation with them. The woman was in charge of their profile while I was communicating with her. Like she was the one doing all the messaging. We had a nice opening conversation and I guess I was interesting enough for her that she opened up their private gallery so that Eva and I could see their faces. She was very attractive and definitely a bit older than me.

She liked sports, she was funny, and she didn't live all that far away. I thought this might be a good match. I showed Eva their profile and she was able to check out the guy. She was like, meh, I could go either way. So she wasn't overly impressed.

He wasn't knock her socks off handsome gorgeous but it was we decided that it was at least worth meeting them for dinner and seeing if there was any good chemistry they seemed to really like us as well because they jumped at the opportunity to meet us under most circumstances and I'm saying this based on experience if it is decided that we should meet it takes a couple of weeks at least like first you first you start talking then you start flirting a little more swapping pics then you set a date and then the date happens but with jobs and babysitting situations this take this typically for us takes a few weeks if we look back on our experiences i would say on average it takes a few weeks for the ball to really get rolling.

But with this couple, I'll call them Roy and Josie, they suggested meeting the very next week. Since Eva and I had nothing going on, we said sure.

we arranged to meet at a restaurant about halfway between our our two cities of residence and this is uh this is a common practice at least for the the dates that that we usually go on we like to be fair so we always suggest meeting about halfway when we arrived they had already gotten to their table but Roy had gone to the restroom so Josie was alone sitting at the table and waved us over she was admittedly not as physically attractive as she appeared in her photos but still plenty attractive. And again, we're just talking about the physical side here.

We sat down and talked, and with a minute or two, Roy showed up. I'm going to say the mean part first here, okay? The nice part second.

He looked like a huge huge dork all right now i am a huge dork too i admit it but for me to point out someone as a huge dork means he really looked like a huge dork but the nice part they were both really really nice and and we had a really uh nice dinner with them we enjoyed talking with them and had a great overall experience i expected that when we got back to the car though um you know to discuss what we thought Eva was going to tell me that she was out because surely she thought he was a huge dork too I think it was his dorky haircut he had such a dorky haircut I don't know something made him seem mega dorky to me but Eva said that she was okay with trying out a spicy date with both of them and I was a little surprised in fact the funny thing was that Eva was surprised that I was interested in having a spicy evening with Josie We'll be right back.

funny thing was that Eva was surprised that I was interested in having a spicy evening with Josie after meeting her. Because she recognized what I recognized. She was not as attractive in person physically as she was in her online profile photos. But you know, attraction is more than just physical appearance, first of all. I liked her sense of humor and her personality. And second of all, she was still physically attractive, even if she looked a bit different from her profile photos. Well, apparently we made a very good impression on them too.

Because we received an almost immediate message from them asking when we could set up another date. And could we do it the following weekend? Well, Eva and I were not as excited as they seemed to be, but we actually had nothing on our social calendar for the following weekend, so we said, okay, okay, let's do it. There's something I realized about most of our lifestyle dates. I am usually the one to propose a date and plan all the details. Not the case here. Roy was in charge of this.

He proposed the date, he suggested a restaurant, and then he reserved the the hotel room i got i got the impression he was very very excited about the prospect of having sex with eva i also got the sense and perhaps i could be wrong about this that they maybe weren't having much luck meeting people in the lifestyle or at least meeting people that they felt they were a good match with. It was almost like we got to get these two to the bedroom before they change their minds.

So let's skip to that date night okay we had a nice dinner and then went back to the hotel and if you've listened to this podcast before you probably are well aware that eva loves playing games on dates like card games and board games. For whatever reason, we can't really figure it out. Playing games gets Eva's motor going. She has a drink or two, gets really flirtatious and touchy-feely. This particular hotel room had a sitting area with a table so that it was very convenient to play cards.

We suggested playing Spicy Spoons, which is an adult version of the game Spoons, where you have to get four of the same card, and when you you do you have to grab a spoon from the center of the table when the first person grabs a spoon everyone has to grab a spoon and there's always one less spoon than people if you don't get a spoon you have to take off an item of clothing and perform an action requested by the first person who grabbed a spoon So, let were fondled. i was not getting very lucky, though. Until several rounds in when Eva won and Josie lost. She had to take her shirt off.

And Eva's requested action was that she had to kiss me. Like, Josie had to kiss me. And I was happy to oblige. I'll never forget my first impression of what happened we leaned in and kissed and it was like she was caught off guard by my tongue it's like she didn't know what to do with somebody else's tongue in her mouth. I remember thinking to myself, what the fuck was that? I thought, okay, surely that's not how she kisses. They were fairly new to the lifestyle. and I instantly hypothesized that she was nervous and just, you know, timid with her kissing.

Since that was her first one, that broke the ice, and the next time I kissed her, it would be much better. Well, I did not get to kiss her again during that game. But it was decided after another round or two and clothes were continuing to come off that we needed to move the fun over to the bedroom. The bedroom area, I should say.

I led her over to one side of the bed and began kissing her neck and worked my way up to her mouth but when I started kissing her the same damn thing happened it honestly felt like like she had never French kissed anyone before and I think that's still the term, right? French kissed? That's the term used for kissing with tongue, right? I think so. It reminded me of my first kiss back in my teen years.

I didn't know what the hell I was doing with my tongue this felt like i was kissing someone who had never french kissed before and and didn't know what to do it was shockingly bad i tried to take the lead and do my usual kissing style with her but it was almost like she was resisting it it was like i was i was trying to do one thing with my tongue and and she was using hers to to like fend it off or stay away from mine i was like what the hell's going on here this is a woman in her 50s she has had plenty of time to practice kissing in her life and this was just awful now she had a fantastic body i learned quickly that her boobs were fake because she told me and I could, I could tell immediately, not that it matters.

I usually prefer real boobs, but as I said, I like variety and her, her boobs were very, very nice. She also had a very nice shaved pussy and a great butt. And she, and you know what? She was also a very good rider, very good rider. So she had a lot of good stuff going on. But the problem is kissing is extremely important to Eva and me.

In fact, there are, there are some couples out there who put in their profiles that they do not kiss other couples on the lips i haven't seen many of those but they do exist and eva and i have no interest in that at all but josie's kissing was distractingly bad. I mean, just terrible. Just terrible. When the evening ended, we were all smiles. Outwardly, everyone seemed to have a good time. When we got to the car, guess what the first thing Eva says to me was? Holy shit, they were the worst kissers ever. I was like, I know. So it wasn't just me. It was painfully apparent to Eva as well.

But we also agreed that they were very nice nice people and if they had a good time we would probably consider seeing them again giving them another another chance well remember when I told you earlier about how eager they seemed to meet us apparently they had an absolute blast because they texted us on the way home asking when we could meet again they also said something very respectful they said something like but if you don't want to a polite no thank you will be fine and we won't bother you again i thought that was i thought that was pretty cool of them to say that you know like you know we understand we're not for everyone and if you choose to go uh your separate ways we will respect and understand that well we responded saying we had a nice time too and we would be happy to stay in touch.

The next week or two got very busy for us and we found ourselves not really doing any lifestyle messaging. After a while, I was able to reach out to them, respond to one of their messages, and say hello. I also included something like, hey, sorry, we haven't been messaging. We've been really busy. We didn't want you to think it was something you did or something you said. I was just being polite. Our motto, as I've said, is life before lifestyle. If there's a long delay between messages with anyone we talk with, so what? You know, life comes first.

So I figured they would respond with something like, oh, that's okay. We get it. We understand. But Roy responded with something a little bit weird. He was like, to be honest, I was kind of wondering why you weren't responding. I thought we all had a nice time together. Like he was not offended, but he was wondering, you know, why we weren't responding. I guess I can attribute it to the fact that they were still fairly new to the lifestyle. You know, they just didn't know all the ins and outs yet, like proper etiquette, but there was a larger problem.

Have you ever had a situation in life when you are excited about something and then when you are given time to think about it, your feelings begin to change? Eva and I both found that happening here. once the excitement of a new situation with a new couple started to wear off. She and I realized, you know, we found ourselves not, not enthusiastic about seeing Roy and Josie again.

We kept going back to the kissing thing they were freaking awful kissers pathetically bad kissers and i don't get the wrong idea i'm not saying i'm the best kisser in the world i'm not i can't be i don't maybe i am who knows but but I'm not saying I am, but I think anybody could tell that Roy and Josie were just awful kissers, my stomach just growled, I'm not sure if that came through the mic, anyway, since kissing plays such an important part in the sex that we both enjoy we found ourselves feeling like maybe we didn't want to see them again we continued to think about it discussed it and ultimately decided that we we really didn't want to be with them again we didn't want to be with a couple again where a critical element to our play was that flawed it's it's not like we could or or should train them to be better kissers.

Nor should we keep getting together with them with the hope or assumption that they will get better at it. They were in their mid-50s. If they're not good at it now, they aren't going to get good at it at all. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, is the old saying. So yes, Eva and I decided we didn't want to lead them on. We wanted to be honest with them, but not hurt their feelings.

Therefore, we, of course, did not tell them the real reason why we didn't want to see them again we simply said we'd been talking about what we were uh looking for in the lifestyle and felt like we were no longer a match for them i forget how i worded it but i did my best to be very polite and made it sound like we had just uh had a change of heart Thank you.

how I worded it but I did my best to be very polite and made it sound like we had just had a change of heart but it was nothing against them I tried to use the old it's us not you type of thing and thankfully they were very good about it it's too bad it's too bad it came to that, but Eva and I agreed that kissing is one of the most important aspects of sex. It helps set the tone with foreplay and then continues to be a key component once it gets beyond foreplay.

If this couple was absolutely amazing in bed, otherwise, or if they shared more of our common interests outside the bedroom, then, or if they live closer, then maybe it would have been easier to overlook. In fact, I can tell you, we could have probably overlooked it. But honestly, we didn't have a whole lot in common with them. So if the sex wasn't downright amazing, then there really wasn't any good reason to keep forcing the subject.

We felt bad because it was very obvious they really liked us especially roy liking eva probably probably the hottest woman he has ever fucked in his life i totally understand that he really wanted to be with her again i'm telling you listeners eva is a hottie and photos just don't do her justice you meet her in person and you would be taken by her so i get what roy was thinking i get he was probably very disappointed i felt josie could take her take her leave, on the other hand, but oh well. You have to pursue what you like in the lifestyle and eliminate what you don't. Eva and I like kissing.

We chose simply to eliminate a couple that couldn't do that. And that's my story of the worst kissers ever. Thanks for sticking with me to this point. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Do you have a bad kissing story? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Feel free to contact me with your story or with any questions, comments, or suggestions. Because I did have, I had one listener send me a question last week. Username is OneHeart. I guess that's his username, his or her username. So OneHeart asks, what was the craziest place you have ever had sex? I assume you mean in the lifestyle?

Not sure about that, but if you mean ever in my life or our lives, Eva and I had sex on the roof of our house once. That's probably the craziest place for us outside of the lifestyle. As part of the lifestyle, sadly, I don't think we have done anything too crazy. I mean, Eva has fucked two different guys in a parking garage on two separate occasions. You know, two different guys. I was in the vehicle for one of those. And then, uh, we had sex on a beach with a couple when we were in Mexico, but that's really it.

You know, I mean, I, I hate to, I hate to not give you a very exciting answer to your question, one heart, but the truth is, Eva and I really, you know, we don't really do anything too crazy on our lifestyle dates. We've played at hotels, the club, Airbnbs, in hot tubs, at Eva's office, like I said, in vehicles. But that's about it. Sadly, I can't say we have done it anywhere too off-the-wall crazy. But thank you so much for sending me a question. I don't get a lot of those, so it's a lot of fun when I do. So with that, please again please, again, feel free to reach out to me anytime.

You can find me on Instagram at Evan Deenson. That's E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N. Evan Deenson. Or email me at evandeenson at gmail.com. Or remember, you can always find the Evan Swings page on Blue Sky. I would love to hear from you. Thanks for listening today. I hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, be safe, be naughty, and always remember, live life to the fullest.