Ep. 34: What I Haven't Figured Out

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

Hello again and welcome to Evan Swings, a podcast about the swinger lifestyle from the perspective of a guy in the lifestyle. That's me. I am your host, Evan, and I am glad to be with you here today, ranting and raving about the lifestyle. Now, returning listeners, thank you as always for being here. And if you're new, welcome. My wife, and I have been in the lifestyle for about three and a half years now, and we are by no means experts, but we have seen and heard a lot in our relatively short time in the lifestyle.

I've been doing this podcast for, I don't know, like three-fourths of a year now, and I've touched on quite a few topics. Oftentimes, it may seem like I actually know what the heck I'm talking about. In some cases, I admit, I think I do know what I'm talking about. And, um, even I, um, we've experienced a lot good and bad. So we have, we have some experiences to reflect on and offer some perspective, But you know what? After three and a half years, there is still plenty that I or we, we still do not know. And that is what this episode is going to be all about.

The things that I haven't figured out yet in the lifestyle. Now, the lifestyle has always been changing and evolving for us. So let me give you some examples. We, um, we said that we would never have sex with another couple without condoms. Now that, that feeling changed pretty quickly for us. We were admittedly a little more cavalier than we should have been.

Like right when we were first starting out, like our first stage of us being in the lifestyle, but now there's only one couple whom we are willing to play with bear we have a standing agreement with them that we are condom free only with each other and we continue to get tested regularly everyone Everyone else, condoms are a must. Or, I guess it's possible, we would have to, you know, exchange negative test results prior to a playdate without condoms. And then check with our usual condom-free couple to, you know, make sure they were still okay with, uh, playing bear with us.

Fucking STIs, I tell ya. Ah, to just, to be in a world where they didn't exist. I mean, I've, I've had a vasectomy. Eva has an IUD.

So we're not, we're not worried about pregnancy it's those damn STIs but anyway back to my point so that rule regarding condoms that has changed that has evolved in three and a half years another thing we said we would never play in separate rooms especially after what happened in episode five way back in episode five if you want to go take a uh a listen to that episode so it was only same room play dates for us that changed and we still don't get me wrong i mean we still prefer same room, but on occasion we have played in separate rooms. We also said that we would never play separately.

Like, you know, go on solo dates. That changed. We said that I would be the only guy to perform a specific sex act that I will not mention with Eva. That changed. And I also said that I would never play at the club. That changed. So my point is, things change. Things evolve in the lifestyle. So I think it makes perfect sense to say that I am still learning all these years later. And I think I should say we are still learning. Eva and I are still learning all these years later. Yet, there are things I have not yet learned. And I wish I knew. Things I just haven't figured out yet.

And that's what I wanted to tell you about today. So let me tell you about them. First, a quick story that kind of ties into all this. Back in episode 16, called The Tall Insult, I told a story about a couple that we met and played with around Halloween. I wanted to kind of recap that story, okay? So we met them on one of the apps. I can't remember which one. And, you know, got to know them a little bit and decided to meet them for a Halloween party at a lifestyle club in Columbus, Ohio.

Very nice couple couple and this woman was way out of my league to this date i think it's been two years now a little more than two years i think i still can't believe she wanted to play with me she was very tall 5 11 and to me that's very tall because I'm a short guy, I'm only 5'7". She was very tall and her husband was very tall. 6'9", if my memory serves me correct huge guy well he drank too much, way too much. After the play had begun, at some point, I don't know how it came about, but he ended up asking Eva to shower with him, and this was at the hotel, of course.

while he was in there with her, with the bright lights on, you know, giving him a very clear view of Eva's naked body. He said something like, wow, you have a giant ass. Eva, thinking she may have heard him wrong, asked him to, you know, asked him to repeat, asked him what he said. And the dude repeated it. You have a gigantic ass. Something like that. And Eva is very sensitive about her body. Especially when the other woman on this play date was very tall and slender. So she, she took this as an insult. Now she let it go and even agreed to meet them again sometime to give him another shot.

as time went on it bothered her more and more and she decided ultimately that she did not want to see him again and i credit her she tried and she knew how much i wanted to see that woman again so she she tried to make it work for me. But we have a strict. No taking one for the team rule. And she invoked it. And I totally respect her for that. So obviously that ended.

And I was actually chatting separately with the woman um for a while after and i was very honest with her you know i i told her that i still really wanted to see her again but this was eva's call and i explained why yeah i specifically told her what the dude said to her. The tall insult. She claimed he wasn't serious, but she understood completely. I mean, you know, she said, oh, he tells me that. He tells me that all the time. He doesn't really mean that.

But Eva eva took it seriously and again she understood she even said she still wanted to meet with me separately someday and that never happened but we did stay in contact for a good year after all that and, I haven't heard from her in months and months and months. Now here's where today's theme comes into play. Something I haven't figured out. Something I didn't know how to handle.

A situation came up that I did not know how to handle after not talking to this guy this tall guy for over a year and a half easily over a year and a half it was probably closer to two years the dude texts me completely out of the blue and he says hope you guys are doing well. We should hang soon with a question mark. That was it. Two sentences. Hope you guys are doing well. We should hang soon. What in the actual hell? Acted like we had been in contact with each other for a while. And we hadn't. Like I said, probably close to two years that we hadn't texted each other.

And suddenly he asks us to hang out. That ship sailed a long time ago. And I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to handle this situation. I mean, I assumed that his wife explained why we ended things, why things ended. Why we hadn't communicated anymore, why we hadn't planned another play date. Why in the hell did he suddenly text me out of the blue and ask us to hang out? I didn't know how to respond. I mean, what do you say in a situation like this? Whether it was the right thing to do or not, I decided to take the polite but also blunt and honest route. I'll see you next time.

I decided to take the polite, but also blunt and honest route. I said we were doing well, hope that they were doing well, but that we had to politely decline the invitation. I said as much as I would love to hang with him and his wife again, I didn't think it was in the cards. Eva is no longer interested. I didn't specify why she wasn't interested, but he should know why.

he insulted eva and i would have thought if if he communicated with his wife that that would have been passed along to him that he knew why we hadn't talked to them in two years but i wished him well and told him again the truth i hoped our paths crossed at a club or event someday. He never responded, by the way. Like, I know he read... I know he read the text. I know the little symbol popped up to show that he read the text. But he never responded. So maybe he was insulted. I don't know. I don't know.

But was I wrong to handle it that way I mean I wanted to be honest but I was also polite you know I worded it really politely but I contend that I should have never been put in that position in the first place after not communicating at all for over a year and a half, and after giving a very specific reason for not communicating, you insulted my wife, I don't think I should have been put in a place to even have to turn you down. that's one example. All right. That's one example right there of just something I haven't figured out yet.

I just don't know what the correct response in that type of situation would be. Let's move on to another question. How do you draw the line between being friendly and unintentionally making a couple think we are interested in them? I like to think that Eva and I are very friendly people. Shy when it comes to meeting new people, but friendly. I'll talk to anyone who wants to talk to me. You want to chat with me? Chat with me. I'll always, always be respectful and polite and carry a conversation with you.

But how do you prevent someone from incorrectly assuming that my willingness to have conversations, long conversations even, is a sign of interest, like in play. I'm mostly referring to a club or party or hotel takeover type situation. That actually happened at our last hotel takeover. In episode, I think it was 30, episode 30 i discussed uh experiences that we had at a hotel takeover in august of 2024 i talked about a couple named walter and brianna how we went out to dinner with them had a good time now because walter and brianna are so so nice Let's do this.

went out to dinner with them, had a good time. Now, because Walter and Brianna are so, so nice, they invited a couple they had absolutely no interest in playing with to join us at the restaurant for dinner. Absolutely no interest, but being the nice people that they are they saw a couple had talked with a couple that they were kind of new to the situation new to hotel takeover so they invited them along and they were also so so nice we had great conversation with great conversations with them. They, they were new so, so nice. We had great conversations with them.

They were new to their lifestyle. It was very interesting to kind of get their perspective and hear some of the things that they were talking about and hoping to experience. But I think they incorrectly assumed our great conversation was leading to something more than that. And Walter and Brianna, they lived in Chicago. And again, we live in the greater Dayton area of Ohio, and this other couple also lives in the southwest Ohio area. So they knew pretty well that, you know, Walter and Brianna were long shots, I guess we'll say, but us, you know, we're in the area.

The second night of the hotel takeover, they came over to where we were hanging out by the dance floor, and it seemed obvious that they were hoping for more than just casual conversation. They had Eva's ear for quite some time. i was engaged with someone else talking chatting maybe some kissing i believe with kate and k Kate from another episode, if you've listened recently. And I'm not sure how Eva eventually politely excused herself. I never asked.

But she did say that she had a hard time being polite and friendly but also trying to hint to them that you know we had no interest in anything more than just polite conversation and like I said with Walter and Brianna in Chicago and with us close by, closer to their area, we seemed like more likely targets for them. A day or two after the takeover, sure enough, they contacted us on one of the lifestyle apps. They said they really enjoyed meeting us, said we were hot, and invited us to get together with them. They invited us to their home and out to a hockey game whenever we wanted.

So there you have it. Something I haven't figured out. How to toe that line. You know, we want to be nice. nice we want to be friendly we love connecting with people whether we're interested in playing with them or not but we haven't figured out how to not give off the wrong impression and that brings me to my next topic. How to properly turn down a couple. Meaning, like how to properly, you know, politely and correctly let a couple know that we are not interested. Let's say a couple contacts you online. So, let's go ahead. Let a couple know that we are not interested.

Let's say a couple contacts you online. You check their profile and you decide you're just ultimately not interested in them. I guess you have three options. And there may be more, but this is what I came up with. Three options. One, you can make up an excuse. Two, you can tell them the truth. Or three, you can ignore them. Ignore the message. Which of those is best? When we first started in the lifestyle, I will admit, I chose option one. I made up excuses. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I still don't.

In the very tiny, minuscule chance someone listening is someone we turn down with one of these excuses. I'm not going to say the excuse that I used. Um, but that's what I did. I made up a polite reason why we weren't interested and just about every time it was accepted, kindly, and without incident. It's a really good excuse. But then, after being in the lifestyle for a while, and reading how other couples handled similar situations, it seemed that the honest approach was the more acceptable, I'm going to say adult option.

The reason I, the reason I would always, um, the, what I would always say, I guess, is that, or no, let me rephrase that. What we'd always hope is that people would think I'll see you next week. the what i would always say i guess is that or no let me rephrase that what we'd always hope is that people would think we're all we're all adults here you know and just say you're not interested no reason needed to be given in fact that that's what i've i that's what i read a lot of people suggested on some forums, that that's what you should say.

You should say, look, we're all adults here, we're just not interested, thank you, but time to move on. And that's it. No specific reason needed to be given. Adults should be able to be adults and handle that, right? Not everyone is going to be interested in everyone else, right? Therefore, I adopted that philosophy. I started to be honest.

If someone contacted us and expressed interest and we looked at their profile and decided we weren't interested, I would write back to them and I would be very friendly and introduce ourselves I would say our names I would express appreciation for their interest but then I would say something like you know after reading their profile we didn't feel like they were or we were a match that's usually the the term I use I didn't feel like we were a match and I would also usually add that we'd be still be happy to chat with them and say hello if we ran into them at a party or a club or event for the most part that has worked out for us usually we we get a very polite response and we go our separate way Has worked out for us.

Usually we. We get a very polite response. And we go our separate ways. But there have been some. Not so polite responses to that. One dude. Told me off big time. He seemed. Extremely offended. By my honest answer when I mentioned that we'd be happy to chat or grab a drink if we saw them at the club he said something like oh no you won't don't bother something like that for real he said that there are a few other too. I'll save one of those for a future episode because I'm going to be doing another interesting and infuriating interactions.

I've done a couple of those episodes so far where I talk about some of the really interesting and infuriating messages and interactions that we've had with other couples online. So going back to the three options that I told you about, make up an excuse, tell the truth, be honest, is I lost my train of thought there. Make up an excuse, be honest, or ignore them. Is honesty the best policy here? Or is option three the best? Option three is just ignore them. If someone reaches out to you and you have no interest, should you just ignore the message? We have done that too.

But usually only to couples who clearly do not read our profile. Our profile mentions that, you know, we specifically state we will not respond to you if you do not have face pics.

If a couple reaches out and they don't have face pics readily available so that we can see what they look like like so that we can see whether or not there is any potential physical attraction we generally do not respond not trying to be rude obviously but that is a rule and we clearly state you will not get a response if we can't tell what you look like and as i've mentioned before that that is not a a dick rule because we are shallow people all right at least i don't think it is it is because we have engaged with people in the past numerous times who don't have face pics only to find out sometime later after the reveal of their faces that we're just not physically attracted to them it turns out to be a huge waste of time then we had to break it off, which was awkward.

But back to my point, usually we don't ignore people who reach out to us. But should we? I look back at our three plus years in the lifestyle and, I honestly cannot recall a single incidence of me reaching out initially to a couple to say hello, you know, to express interest. And I really don't do that very often anyway. I usually wait for them to, to reach out to us. But the times that i have done that, I do not remember a time where we received a message back turning us down, either with an honest answer or with an excuse. Seriously, not a single time. I am not exaggerating.

I do not remember it ever happening. And please don't take that the wrong way. I certainly don't mean that every single couple we have reached out to has responded back with interest. Absolutely not. What I mean is that our messages, we have, we have had our messages ignored a lot, completely ignored. I have sent countless messages to people just saying hello and introducing ourselves more towards the beginning of our, of our lifestyle journey. Cause like I said, I've, I've kind of become kind of shy now.

I usually wait for people to reach out to us, but when we did, and I, and I, I do, I do still do it once in a while. I admit it. I still do it once in a while. And we have our messages completely ignored. No responses at all. And do you know how that makes me feel? Fine. Does it make my blood boil no do i feel offended that they they didn't even have the decency to give us a polite response not at all we will not be everyone's cup of tea i I get that. By ignoring our message, they were letting us know they were not interested. Plain and simple.

So that gets me wondering, have we been doing this all wrong? Is ignoring a message the better way to go? No need for excuses. No need to worry about offending someone or making them feel bad. You just move on. I've always thought that a polite response was the way to go, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm, you know, maybe just ignoring the message is the appropriate way to do this. It's maybe it's accepted and it's not considered rude. I just don't know. It's something I haven't figured out yet. Listeners, I would love to hear your take on this.

If you have some free time and don't mind contacting me, please let me know your thoughts on this one. And I might even use your responses in a future episode. And another thing, um, I have not figured out how to act at a club party or hotel takeover where there are several couples who want to spend time with us and we want to spend time with them. I'm not specifically saying I don't know. several couples who want to spend time with us and we want to spend time with them. I'm not specifically saying playtime, just time. Just hanging out. Case in point, hotel takeover, August 24th, 2024 again.

We were hanging with Walter and Brianna, but we also met Jack and Kate there and really liked them. We wanted to hang out with them too. And then there was this other really nice couple. I was into the woman, but Eva unfortunately was not into the guy, but they were really, really nice people at a takeover for the first time. And I wanted to chat with them and be friendly and just have them hang with us. But I haven't figured out how to balance that.

Our quote-unquote targets, so to speak, were walter and brianna but god damn was kate hot too and spoiler alert we did eventually end up spending some very high quality time with jack and kate on a later date i uh mentioned that in a previous episode. But also the new couple. Okay, I wanted to talk to them. But I didn't want to ditch who we were there with. And if they were there to hook up, if they were looking to hook up with us or someone else, I didn't want to take valuable time away from their hunt.

That goes back to my earlier point, how to draw the line between being nice and leading them on. I don't know. Maybe I overthink these things. But I just don't want to offend anyone. And Eva and I have still never found that group dynamic. You know, we've never, you know, we'd love to find a group of people, several couples maybe, who all get along, who are all attracted to each other, and who all can kind of play with each other interchangeably. Then we can all hang out together in a big group. We have met plenty of couples who have that. They have that group. We do not. At least yet.

At least not yet. Anyway, back to the topic of this episode. I got one more quick thing I haven't been able to figure out, although it's less of an issue nowadays, and that is finding a single woman or unicorn or a woman who's part of a couple, I guess a hot wife, I don't know, where the woman would uh play with eva and myself i know they exist but i haven't been able to figure out how to um to ensnare one or i don't know what you what you would say to gain one of their interests i have have liked many single women profiles. Profiles of single women.

Very few have responded and none of them with serious interest. It is on our profile that we are open to playing with a single woman or unicorn or hot wife or whatever you want to call it. But we have never had anyone reach out to us after seeing that in our profile. And I know, I've fulfilled my fantasy of an FMF threesome. I've done that. But it sure would be nice to experience it again. Not going to lie. And that's it for now. I am sure there is plenty of other stuff that I haven't figured out that I'm just not thinking of. I prepared notes for this episode like I always do.

And what I just talked about were the ones that came to mind as I prepared to do this episode. Knowing my luck, I will think of another one shortly after I finish recording this. And if that happens, maybe I'll mention it in my next episode. But that's going to do it for another exciting, captivating, mesmerizing episode of Evan Swings.

okay there's another there's another thing I haven't figured this out yet either haven't I haven't figured out how to comfortably end my podcast episodes 34 episodes in and I always still feel awkward ending this my words don't ever feel like the right ones hence my joke about this episode being exciting captivating and mesmerizing I'm going to take them, any thoughts on the topics that I mentioned today, the stuff that I can't figure out, maybe you have. So as always, you can reach me, you can, uh, find me on kick at Evan Deenson.

Although I'm really trying to shift away from kick, but, but I will still maintain an account there. So that's Evan Deanson, although I'm really trying to shift away from KICK, but I will still maintain an account there. So that's Evan Deanson, E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N. Gmail, evandeanson at gmail.com. You could also do a search on Blue Sky for Evan Swings. My podcast now has its own account on Blue Sky. So I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, stay safe, stay naughty, everyone. Thanks for listening.