Ep. 31: Compelled to Tell

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

hey there everybody welcome to evan swings a podcast about the swinger lifestyle from the perspective of a guy in the lifestyle that's me i'm evan Thank you. married for 25 and if you are new here welcome just my usual little intro message here glad to have you aboard and thank you for giving this podcast a shot if you are interested you can always start off with some of my earliest episodes which detail our foray into the lifestyle from the very beginning and to all my returning welcome back. Ecstatic as always to have you come back and listen to me again. It means the world to me.

I don't suspect this episode will be super long today. Of course, now that I say that, who knows? I might just ramble on enough to make it a normal episode length, but we'll see, I guess. And I'm calling this episode Compelled to Tell. It's all about telling others, vanilla people in your life, that you are in the lifestyle. All you listeners out there, how many people in your vanilla lives know you are a swinger? My guess is that the consensus would be not many.

There are probably plenty of exceptions, but for most of us, most of the people we have met or have talked to, our involvement in the lifestyle is a secret. We keep it sheltered from family, most of our vanilla friends, and our employers. And I have to say, I'm not making this up, all right? I'm not just stating a hunch I have. I actually have informal data. In our three and a half years in the lifestyle, we've talked to countless other couples, whether it's online, at a club, or at an event like a hotel takeover.

And just about everyone we talk to, if the conversation happens to steer to this sort of thing, just about everyone says a similar thing you know they, they keep it a secret. One of our favorite things to hear about and compare stories about is all about the lies that we have to tell our children as cover stories. It is so funny to share what Eva and I have said and what other couples have told their kids. You know, we haven't come across anyone yet who has said to their children, we're going to a swingers hotel takeover. See you later.

We have heard all kinds of made up cover stories like educational conferences. You know, I'm a teacher, so that one hits home with me. I'll see you next time. all kinds of made up cover stories like educational conferences, you know, I'm a teacher. So, so that one hits home with me, um, business trips, seminars. And I have to say one, one of the worst cover stories I have ever used was that Eva and I attended a board game convention in Indianapolis. Now that was our, that was in our very early days in the lifestyle. I think that was actually our second ever play date.

But I actually told a neighbor that we went to a board game convention. And looking back, that was not a very good excuse. And I don't see him as a type who would go to his computer and look up board game convention on the internet or anything like that, but I don't think that was a very good cover story. And I can't remember if we told our kids that same cover story, but if so, that was a mistake. My oldest son is very curious and loves to ask questions. And he's into board games too.

So he could have very easily looked up Indianapolis Board Game Convention, Googled it, and our cover story would have been completely blown. Nowadays, the main excuse we use is that we're just having a relaxing weekend getaway, just the two of us. Pretty easy, pretty simple. I do get co-workers asking me about my weekend, and they'll usually ask which restaurants we went to and any attractions we visited. So I usually have to be ready with some phony details, especially if we use nearby cities like Columbus or Cincinnati. You know, we live and work in the Dayton area.

So going to Cincinnati or Columbus, those are pretty common destinations for people to go around here. You know, coworkers and friends, they go to Columbus and Cincinnati just as much as we do. So if we say we're going to a restaurant or attraction, we need to be specific because it would probably sound fishy if we held back details. Where did you go? Cincinnati. Oh, what did you do there? Oh, just some shopping and dinner. Oh, what restaurant did you go to? You know, questions like that are very common. Just normal conversation stuff.

And I can't just say, oh, we went to a swinger club in Columbus. Can't do that. But that's my point. Okay. We as lifestyle members tend to keep our involvement secret. Why? Well, it goes back to some of my earliest episodes. There is a negative stigma that's associated with swinging. It's taboo. You know, it's different. Some would even say it's gross. Like I've actually heard vanilla friends of mine say those words that it is gross. So it is not completely socially accepted and viewed negatively by a lot of people.

And I firmly believe that if it were made public that I was a swinger, my teaching career may be over. That became public knowledge. So I have to be very careful there. And then you technology oh does technology make things interesting eva and i need to be very careful when we go to a club or recently when we went to desire pearl outside of cancun i share my location with some family members So I have to remember to make sure I turn my location with some family members. So I have to remember to make sure I turn my location off on my phone when we do something spicy.

And the thing is, I also share my location with Eva. That normally wouldn't sound like a big deal or anything unsafe. But, let me tell you, kids are smart these days. Let's do this. sound like a big deal or anything unsafe. But, let me tell you, kids are smart these days. We learned this, thankfully, before any damage was done. Since I share my location with Eva, I can access her location through Google. As long as I am, you know, logged in, right? Well, on my home computer in our home office, I leave my computer on 24-7. So I usually just leave my computer just logged into my Google account.

Anyone who gets on my computer and checks Google Maps can see where Eva is. Never even thought of that until one day our son, who was still living at home at the time, told us he checked our location. We went to an escape room in Cincinnati with some friends. And while we were gone, he got curious about what time we'd be home. So he hopped on our computer and checked where we were. He checked our location. And thankfully, we were not doing anything spicy that evening. And nothing, you know, we really needed to have a cover story for. But even I felt a little uneasy.

You know, how many times had this happened before before how many times was our location checked by our kids and did they ever see our location was uh like club princeton in columbus because it's on google maps it's there if they happen to see uh our if they happen to see us at that location and then uh googled club princeton oh boy we're just not ready to explain that one Thank you.

happen to see us at that location and then googled club princeton oh boy we're just not ready to explain that one so now it's become a habit that on the drive to whatever lifestyle thing we're doing eva turns off her location sharing on her phone so even if our kids look on google maps on my computer they can't see where we are. But again, that's my whole point, okay? Being in the lifestyle is this secretive thing. Because the vanilla world, as a whole, in general, cannot handle it yet. They cannot accept it. And I hope that day comes.

But it doesn't appear to be on the horizon just yet and I just I really don't see it happening um I'm not going to say in my lifetime but I don't see it happening before we are no longer in the lifestyle if we you know get too old and are no longer in it. Right now in my life, there is only one vanilla friend that I have that knows about our involvement in the lifestyle. And I chose to tell him because I knew him and his personality well enough that he would accept it.

You know, I chose to tell him because I, I just, just I knew I just knew he'd be fine with it he's done some crazy fun stuff in his life and I knew he'd be fine and he was um I've also shall I've also shared with um two I'll say non-vanilla friends of mine one is my dj partner and his wife who i've talked about many times before um i they uh it's tough to describe they used to be in the lifestyle but i think i think they're getting back into it now but but they know obviously you know they understand discretion and we trust them and that they helped us get into the lifestyle.

So we're comfortable sharing everything with them. And then, um, the other person, the other friend who I trust, um, his, his wife has all kinds of sexy sexual adventures. Okay.

They have MFM threesomes and have bulls come and have spicy encounters with them although he doesn't play to the great disappointment of eva by the way she has always wanted to have some spicy fun with him but that is not part of their dynamic not something they do but anyway he is cool uh share lifestyle adventures with as well and eva confides in her electrolysis believe it or not they kind of hit it off and eva is protected by privacy laws you know doctor patient relationship stuff she's a much older lady and i think she just enjoys hearing eva's stories because it reminds her of her younger years but that's it that's it we have not shared with our families we have not shared with any other vanilla friends it's a secret i am protecting my career, my relationships with my family, and my friendships.

And so is Eva. You know, Eva owns a small healthcare business. We don't want to put our careers at risk. You know, too much is on the line. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to tell some other people about our involvement in the lifestyle. Again, I call it compelled to tell. I am very compelled to tell some friends about it, but I can't. I can't be 100% positive that they could handle that sort of news. Now, don't get me wrong. Sometimes the, the secret keeping it a secret is very fun.

Like even I love seeing something on TV or hearing someone talk about swinging and we kind of, you know, give each other that, that knowing glance or recently, uh, after we hosted a couple at our house, our daughter came home after our friends left, of course, and asked what we did with our friends that night. And she jokingly asked strip poker because there is no way in hell her old, boring parents would play strip poker. And Eva said, oh yeah, we played lots of strip poker. And we kind of smiled at each other after she walked out of the room.

Because deep down, we were thinking, oh oh we did way more than play strip poker and we had a good laugh talking about it but but still I wish there was I wish there was some not all but some that I could tell the truth to you know some some other vanilla people in my life and I was talking to a lifestyle friend of ours about the same situation she was a little confused about why I wanted to tell my vanilla friends and or co-workers about being in the lifestyle just to simply summarize what she said she was like what's the big deal you know like why do you feel you need to tell people so i'm going to tell you what i told her and explain why i am compelled to tell why i really want to tell more of my friends the lifestyle has become a very significant part of my life our lives even myself it has become almost 100 of our social life you know we hardly ever get together with vanilla friends anymore and that's not me bragging okay it's just stating a fact we just don't do it very often anymore.

We have so much fun in the lifestyle that we prefer if we're doing something social, we do it with another lifestyle couple. You know, Eva and I, we don't do social stuff every weekend. So when we want to do social stuff, we prefer lifestyle stuff. If Eva and I look back at all the fun things we've done in the last three and a half years, nine out of 10 times, it was something lifestyle related. So the point I'm trying to make is that it is an important part, a significant part of our lives. Well, I would love to tell the important people in my life about the important parts of my life.

And that is why I'm compelled to tell my vanilla friends and coworkers about it. But I can't, obviously't obviously and also I hate lying but that's what I find myself having to do all the time let me give you an example okay I go to work one Monday morning and a co-worker friend of mine asked me how was your weekend Evan I say it was great. Then, that close co-worker friend of mine asked me, how was your weekend, Evan? I say it was great. Then that close co-worker friend asks what I did over the weekend.

And then I had to respond, like I told you earlier, like, oh, Eva and I, we spent the weekend in Cincinnati. Now, I suppose I could have just said, oh, nothing, you know, just a boring weekend. How are you? How was your weekend? But my brain, I guess, just doesn't work that way. I guess I feel like I have to have some element of truth in my answer. But like I said earlier, that just opens the door to more questions. Oh, what did you do in Cincinnati? Where did you eat? Where did you stay? So then I have to make stuff up. Oh, we just did an escape room.

My usual go-to excuses that we did an escape room. And we walked around the riverfront area. We ate at the Montgomery Inn. Lies. Not always lies, but lies.

it gets kind of tiresome and as an as an honest person it kind of bothers me that i'm telling lies to my co-worker friends who i'm very close with we know just about everything else about each other me and my co-workers okay we we share virtually everything except this you know and we do we even we talk about our sex our sex lives like all the time but obviously I don't include all the details of my sex life you know we talk about rumors and gossip that swirl around we know each other pretty darn well except they don't know this part about me and it kind of sucks you know it kind of sucks that i have to lie to them it sucks that i can't be open about it and now i trust them i do if i ask them to keep a secret they would keep a secret just fine the trust is there what i'm not certain of is the the acceptance part i'm afraid it would change their opinion of me they would lose respect for me it would be awkward around them and should they lose respect for me absolutely not Should anyone?

Absolutely not. We're all grown consenting adults. We can do whatever the hell we want with our lives. At least that's my view. You know, if you like putting on cow pajamas and going into fields with other cows on weekends and attempt to communicate with them, so be it. If that, if that's what makes you happy, you go ahead and do that. I would think it's a little odd, admittedly, but I would still respect you as a person. And I don't know why that example came to mind. Don't ask. I don't know what I was thinking, but here's, here's a different example. Okay.

This is, this might be a better one here. One of my close coworker friends is slightly obsessed with UFOs and aliens. He spends a lot of time watching documentaries, talking with other enthusiasts online, and reading books about it, finding articles about new sightings, things like that. All that stuff. That's what he likes. That's one of his passions. Excuse me. That's how he likes to use his free time. So I don't judge him for that. That's what he likes to do. So he does it, but I don't think he would feel the same way.

If I told him I was a swinger, it just feels like a completely different animal and it shouldn't. That's thing again everyone in the lifestyle has made a choice as an informed adult we are consenting adults just doing what we like to do to add enjoyment to our lives on a basic level that's no different than my friend who's interested in aliens. But because of the taboo nature of swinging, it's something that we feel we need to keep secret and discreet.

We have some good lifestyle friends of ours who found out the hard way just how taboo or you know how negative being a swinger can seem to others outside of the lifestyle they moved into a new housing development and got very close with their next door neighbor they became pretty pretty damn good friends with them i believe so our male friend decided that the male neighbor could handle the knowledge that he and his wife were swingers. So he made the decision to tell him. Long story short, their friendship is virtually over and they no longer even have a civil, casual relationship.

I guess the neighbor guy was shocked and told his wife, and the wife was utterly disgusted. Suddenly, our friends were considered, like, disgusting human beings, which is horrible to say because they are, like, some of the nicest people we've ever met and these neighbors no longer wanted to do anything they wanted nothing to do with them now these are two couples all right next door neighbors who would hang out all the time they would host each other for dinner come over for beers cards, I think even go out for dinner and drinks.

And that relationship was destroyed when our friend decided to confide in his neighbor. It turned out it was something that they couldn't handle. They cast some serious judgment on our friends. Now, from what we've heard, they almost go out of their way to be nasty to our friends. It is quite incredible and quite frustrating. Quite frustrating. Especially, like I said, because our friends are awesome. Some of the nicest human beings we have ever met. With that story in mind, I've found it even harder to have the courage to tell any of Thank you. human beings we have ever met.

With that story in mind, I've, I found it even harder to have the courage to tell any of my vanilla friends. I don't want what happened to our lifestyle friends to happen to Eva and myself. I mean, seriously, a friendship was destroyed. Why? Because someone couldn't handle the fact that they had consensual sex with other consenting adults. It just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Now, let me tell you a little story about my brother. My brother doesn't drink a drop of alcohol.

He thinks it's like deadly sin i don't know but he knows i drink hell his wife even drinks but just because he thinks drinking is very wrong he doesn't cast judgment on those who choose to drink that's the way it should be and it should be like that in the lifestyle too. Being a swinger should just be that, a choice, a lifestyle choice. I'm not a religious person, but if you want to spend time going to church and doing church sponsors activities, you go right ahead. That's what makes you happy. You do you. I don't judge. I know a guy, vanilla friend of mine who made a bodybuilding his life.

Spends every single day in the gym for hours on end. he has a crazy specific diet. I would never give up eating pizza and Taco Bell or donuts, but that's what he chose to do. That's how he wants to live his life. So I don't judge. He has to do him good for him for doing what makes him happy. so that is why I don't understand and will never understand why such negative judgment can be cast on people in the lifestyle. We're not hurting anyone and we're not recruiting you. You know, it's not a cult.

We're not going to be knocking on anyone's door and saying, do you have a few moments to talk about being a swinger and providing them with literature on the topic? No, we're going to be, we're just the same people we have always been. We just happen to do something for fun that you don't do. I don't fish. I don't hunt. I'm not a camper. I don't run marathons. I'm not much of a reader of books. Those are things that other people do for fun that I choose not to. They're just not my thing. I respect that it's other people's thing. So I just wish being in the lifestyle was thought of in that way.

Just something fun that vanilla people have chosen not to do. Because they don't consider it fun or interesting to them. Instead, you know, it's this secret, this terrible thing that I am not allowed to tell anyone, not allowed to tell anyone about, you know, or else, you know, risk losing a friendship or my job. But, you know, people can tell me all they want about their fishing trips, their hunting trips, their camping experiences, the marathons they've run, the books they've read. Because our society says that's acceptable. It's okay to share that stuff.

I'm going to show you share what we want to do. It's an important part of my life, and I would love to share the important parts of my life with my friends and even family. Well, I don't know. That might be strange for my family. But I wouldn't expect them to be like, Hey, who did you bone this weekend? No, there wouldn't be a need to discuss specifics. But I could see them asking if we had fun this past weekend, and I'd give them a little wink and smile and say, yeah, it was awesome. At this point, though, it is still something that is out of reach.

And as a 48-year-old man, I'm not sure I'll ever see it become something within reach in my lifetime. Fingers crossed, though, right? Okay. So I did ramble, not too bad, hopefully, but now it's time to end this episode. And as I mentioned, I think last episode, I always seem to struggle at this point in my episodes. I never know what to say to conclude a show.

So I always say something like, uh, and with that, I'll'll wrap things up or that's all i have for you today something like that so today i will just say i am done talking to you but that that sounds kind of rude so how about uh it has been a pleasure speaking with you today but our time together has come to an end how's's that? We'll go with that. Please reach out if you have any questions or suggestions for the podcast, or if you'd like to come on as a guest.

We're 31 episodes in and I still haven't found anyone to come forward to share a lifestyle story, um, or just chat, but I would love to have someone. I've had some people express interest, but just haven't really taken that next step. So feel free to contact me if you are that person. Um, I can be found on kick and Instagram at evan deanson that's e-v-a-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N. You can email me at evandeenson at gmail.com. Or, some big news, I now have a Blue Sky account. So if you get on Blue Sky and search for Evan Swings, there is an account dedicated to this podcast. You can reach out to me there.

Until next time, take care. Be safe, everyone. Be naughty. And we'll hopefully see you back on Evan Swings. So long for now.