Ep. 30: Failure to Launch

Transcript

the following podcast contains adult content including adult language i talk openly about sex and other adult topics if you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives please listen no further i am not a professional therapist counselor or doctor i'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of guidance or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles.

Hi again and welcome to Evan Swings, a podcast about the swinger lifestyle from the perspective of a guy in the lifestyle. I am Evan, and I indeed swing, along with my amazing wife, Eva. Thanks for joining me today. I welcome anyone checking out the podcast for the first time. Really appreciate you giving me a shot. I normally recommend that you stop listening and start with some of my earliest episodes because they deal with our involvement in the lifestyle from the beginning. But I recently listened to a couple of my earliest episodes.

Yes, I occasionally listen to my own podcast because it helps to remind me of what I've already discussed and some topics that I can build on in future episodes. But anyway, I was listening to one of those episodes and I'm not afraid to admit this. I thought they kind of sucked. I can't give you a concrete explanation why. I just thought I sounded kind of uncomfortable and it kind of felt scripted. So I'm probably being overly self-critical, but that's just the way I feel. So I think I've come a long way. Here we are in episode 30.

So maybe I shouldn't start every episode with a suggestion for new listeners to start off with my first episodes. So if you do, please know they get better, at least in my opinion and of course returning listeners welcome back so glad to have you um recording this in um october 2024 um i wanted to give a shout out to some new listeners um a and s who live between dayton and cinc T and R, up in Chicago, B and L, up in Cleveland, and of course, M and N, down in the Cincinnati area. Thank you for your support, guys, and I hope to see all of you again in person at some point.

Before I go any further, I do want to tell you that I am actually recording this midday during the work week. I was actually diagnosed with strep yesterday, and so I had to take the day off of work. I'm not allowed to work until I'm antibiotics for 24 hours why. Why am I telling you this? My throat hurts. My voice is not the same. I actually recorded a different podcast episode. I do a hockey podcast as well. And when I listened to it, I could definitely tell that my voice was not the same, kind of struggling a little bit.

So if I sound different today, that is why I'm going to do my best to get through this. But please forgive me if I need to pause for a drink or if my voice doesn't sound like it usually does. All right. Today, I'm going to talk to you about something that is tough to talk about. Remember, this podcast is usually about the lifestyle from a guy's perspective. And the topic I'm about to talk about is something that a lot of guys don't want to talk about. They don't want to discuss it because it can be considered embarrassing or even humiliating. Yep, I am talking about ED, erectile dysfunction.

And when you say the whole words like out like that, it doesn't even sound like something fun. I think, I think we should possibly come up with a new fun name for it. You know, help, help to lose some of the, the negative stigma surrounding it. Like floppy friend syndrome or I don't know. Droopy, droopy down dick or south, southward, southward downs.

I don't know some something silly like that actually no matter what you call it it's going to be uncomfortable for some guys to talk about but I'm going to talk about it I'm going to tell you a story first where, unfortunately, ED reared its ugly head for me. Yes, I admit it, I suffer from ED sometimes. It is 100% psychological. My parts work fine. And I virtually never have a problem getting hard with Eva. But sometimes in a lifestyle situation with a new partner, I encounter a failure to launch.

I've been to two urologists, one family physician, and a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing who all say the exact same thing. It is 100% all mental. So let's get into it. I would like to tell you the story of our most recent hotel takeover experience, which was August of 2024. The first night we had plans to hang out with two lifestyle friends of ours that, you know, we play with them fairly regularly and they had actually never been to a hotel takeover before.

So they were going to come on Friday and we would kind of, you know, show them the rope, so to speak, introduce them to the hotel takeover setting. But in the days and weeks leading up to the takeover, I was contacted by a couple on the Play Champagne site. And Play Champagne is the company that hosts the hotel takeovers that Eva and I attend. This was our sixth one, I believe. Sixth takeover. All Play Champagne ones. So this couple found us on the site and reached out to us. Now ladies and gentlemen, I have to tell you this.

I've explained this before in at least one previous episode we usually never respond to profiles that do not show face pics because when we have it is literally never worked out.

the couples when they finally do reveal their faces have never turned out to be attractive to both Eva and myself and we have had to politely end our conversations with them explaining that we were no longer interested and that sucks by the way because it is fairly obvious that that we're not attracted to them and i would assume that kind of makes the couple feel bad so because of that we decided we would we would not respond at all okay it it says on in our profile in black and white, we will not respond to profiles without face pics well this particular couple did not have any face pics but number one they seem super nice judging from their opening messages and number two they obviously read our lengthy profile carefully based on what you know based on our conversations and also their profile pic had their faces blurred but you can tell by their hair and surrounding features that there was a there was a pretty good chance that they were pretty darn sexy so in this case I showed Eva and she agreed that maybe we should respond this time and boy am I glad that we did because when they returned our next message they included face pics and they were in fact very attractive they seemed very much like us in terms of you know our interests and you know what we wanted out of the lifestyle so you know similar interests similar views on chemistry and and play rules so we chatted quite a bit leading up to the hotel takeover.

Eva and I hoped that Saturday night, you know, after our other friends had left, and if we seemed to hit it off in person with this Chicago couple, they would be our play date for the evening. No expectations, you know, but just a hope. We met them for dinner on Friday night before our friends arrived, and their kindness was very apparent from the start. They actually asked if another couple that they had met could join us. And they were not interested in that couple at all as play partners, but said they were very nice people. They were going to their first takeover.

So they wanted to, you know, kind of make them feel at home. So they asked if they asked them to come along. Now, quick, quick side note here. As a coincidence, it turned out to be a couple I complained about in episode 24. There was a couple that reached out to us and said, we look forward to meeting you. when we really didn't have any desire, we didn't really have any interest in them based on their profile. So I kind of, you know, just ignored their message. I just, I didn't even respond, kind of feel bad about, but it's just, I didn't know what to say.

And I think I explained that in episode 24. I was just thrown for a little bit of a loop, but, um, they walked into the restaurant and I was like, Oh my gosh, I know them. I remember them. And they sat with us and they ended up being very nice people. Just not a couple that Eva and I would have been interested in, but enjoyed talking to them greatly. They were brand new, you know, had never played with anybody before. So, you know, their first takeover. So it was nice to be able to provide some advice and talk about some of our experiences and kind of help them along a little bit.

So, so it was, it was good. It was good. All right. Side note over back to the Chicago couple. It was, it was very clear as well that they were very down to earth, educated. Um, they could hold intelligent conversations and they were just very personable. And I want to give them names to make this easier. So, uh, I will call the Chicago couple, Walter and Brianna. They are big Chicago bears fans. So I Googled, uh, famous Chicago bears. And the first two that came up were Walter Payton and Brian Urlacher. So Walter and Brianna are the names I'm going to use.

After dinner, Eva and I agreed that Walter and Brianna were awesome and hoped they felt similarly about us. We ended up talking to them off and on that evening. Remember that this is Friday evening. With, you know, we had friends coming in to join us. And it was quite clear that they were way more outgoing than us. Way more confident. You know, if they weren't talking to us, they were off talking to others, networking, and meeting new people. So I totally admired their confidence and their outgoing nature. I wish Eva and I could be like that. So the second day rolls around, Friday night over.

and we contacted them about lunchtime and asked if they wanted to go grab a quick bite to eat. They accepted, and we just went to a nearby Panera that was close to the hotel, and Walter insisted on paying for our lunch. He just had amazing manners, I guess you'd say. He was just really kind and courteous, just a perfect gentleman. And Brianna was just so captivating. You know, I told her that she had incredibly sexy hair, just these long, curly, flowing brown locks, just absolutely beautiful. And her personality was just perfect, okay? Just energetic, outspoken, well-spoken, very classy.

But that's when it started, okay? I began to think this woman is completely out of my league there is no way in hell she's going to be interested in me no way she finds me attractive no way she's going to want to play with me when there are literally over a thousand other guys to choose from at the hotel takeover. Those thoughts got in my head, kind of planted a seed and it was really hard for me to get them, get them out of my head. But I had my trusty ED meds that I had been taking since Thursday every day and I would take another dose around 6 p.m.

that evening so it should be fine right well you can probably guess where this is going well all right furthermore I've said it many times i do not take hints i do not read signals well during our restaurant conversation she meant it she mentioned something about uh the way she is during sex and i can't remember exactly what she was referring to but she added you'll find out tonight eva turned to me and said was that blunt enough for you it was nice to not have to read between the lines as a guy who has a lot of trouble reading between the lines but But I still had this lingering doubt.

There was no way someone as stunningly beautiful as her was going to choose me over literally a thousand other guys. And I'm not exaggerating, people. She could have had any guy she wanted there, literally.

And there were over 2,000 people at that hotel takeover it was massive it was huge it was the most people we've ever seen at a hotel takeover so she could have had or she did have like a thousand other options so my brain was telling me it was not out of the realm of possibility that she would decide to spend her time with someone else that night and you know that's that's fine i mean that's that's her right that's her obligation there was no you know promise made so it was not out of the realm of possibility.

So the party started later that evening, and we were all down by the dance floor, people everywhere. Like I said, by far the most crowded hotel takeover we have ever been to. Walter and Brianna had not arrived yet, so Eva and I were hanging out with a couple of other friends that we knew. When they did arrive, Eva and I wanted Eva and I wanted to tread the line carefully. They were obviously way more outgoing than us, way more social. They talked to lots and lots of people unlike us.

We didn't, we didn't want to, we didn't want them to think they had to hang out with us again there was no obligation here all right and there were lots of fish in the sea and they traveled a long way to get here you know from chicago to cincinnati i tried to make it clear that there were no expectations but But at the same time, I have to admit, Eva and I, we were hoping they would end up coming back to our room. So we hung out with them off and on, trying to be strategic. You know, like, let them know we want them, but don't be overbearing and clingy.

And I know, I know, it shouldn't be that calculated. But that's just the way my brain works. So they did their thing, we did our thing. At one point, we actually met this amazing other couple from Cleveland, the cleveland area so we talked to them for a bit i will call them kate and jack we have uh since the hotel takeover had a play date with them they're amazing and i hope to tell you all about that in a future episode. But back to this evening, we were all having a good time. And at one point later on, we're standing next to Walter and Brianna. And I decided to kind of say something here.

I leaned over to Walter and I said something like, hey, look, we're not the best at this sort of thing, but Eva and I, we would love to have you two come back to our rooms if and when you are interested in moving the party there. So he laughed. He laughed and said something like, Just relax. Everything's cool. Don't worry.

We already know we're coming back to your room tonight and just the way he said it just cool calm confident just very impressed by his demeanor they continued socialized socializing with others as well but once they came back to to the table where we were standing we asked them to dance and we did just went out to the dance floor and just enjoyed ourselves i just love the way that brianna moved her body on the dance floor just such a sexy dancer and we so we danced um they went off to talk to more people even i remained at the dance floor we danced for a while more then we went back to our table um our new cleveland friends jack and kate were there so we talked to them a bit, got a little touchy-feely kissy with them, and Brianna and Walter eventually came back as well.

And when they came back, that's when things really ramped up. Walter got really touchy-feely with Eva. It was very hot.

okay he ended up removing her top and her bottoms leaving her completely naked except for this mesh i don't even think it was mesh because the holes were bigger than than what you would normally think of when you hear the word mesh um a very holy neon green cover-up that's all she had on completely naked underneath it wasn't covering anything up i mean it was leaving nothing to imagination by all intents and purposes at this point eva was naked naked by the dance floor now brianna's skirt bottom uh was coming up leaving everything exposed.

So she stood in front of me, facing the other direction, kind of grinding on me while I caressed her and kissed her back and shoulders. And it got even hotter. She somehow got a hold of a vibrator. Now, Jack was kissing her while the vibrator was being used and while i was caressing and touching her and kissing her from from behind that was hot and i guess that ramped things up to the point where well for everyone where i think i believe it was brianna who said it was time to go upstairs and no objections from anyone, obviously.

So we started heading back to the room and my mind is just thoroughly in disbelief. I mean, does this woman really want to have sex with me? Well, it all happened very quickly. Almost immediately after walking into the room, Walter and Brianna's clothes started coming off. They were ready for action. And I think that may have contributed a little bit to my problem. You know, there was no easing into it. It was going down now, right away.

So Brianna and I kissed a little bit to my problem you know there was no easing into it it was going down now right away so brienne and i kissed a little amazing kisser by the way and that is always a good thing it's just a total mood killer when the person you are kissing sucks at it but she was amazing okay so now you have to understand the way the rooms are set up at this hotel all rooms are suites you walk into the door you walk in the door and you are immediately in this uh living slash sitting area where there's a couch an ottoman a table, and then you have a kitchenette area beyond that, and then you have a separate bedroom beyond that.

Well, this was all going down in the sitting area fast. Everyone was naked on the couch in ottoman. Brianna was facing her husband while I played with her from behind. And that's when I realized nothing was happening yet downstairs for me. And when I start thinking that, usually it's game over. I fixate. It's just the way I'm wired. I immediately start, you know, worrying about disappointing the woman. I don't want to be a disappointment. I want to make it worth the woman's while. And then it spirals out of control. And I start focusing on the fact that I'm not getting hard.

But she laid down on the ottoman while her husband fucked her and Eva and I sucked on her nipples. She asked me to rise up so that while all this was going on, she could suck my dick. I was like, oh crap, this is not going to go well. Luckily, as she started sucking on me, I started to get hard. So that was good. But I think that was the last time I was hard. It was so frustrating. And once it's in my head, it will not get out. Even with my ED meds, things were just not happening down there. So we repositioned from the ottoman, and Walter was now separate with Eva.

So Brianna is still lying there. So I used my fingers, which she seemed to enjoy. I made her squirt. So at the end of the story, I will come back to that. Obviously, she got something out of the evening. She, she enjoyed herself to, to that extent. But after that, I got a towel, came back because I had to wipe up the couch area a little bit. She was obviously ready for more. She got up on the sofa and I don't take hints, but I'm pretty darn sure this was a please-fuck-me position. But I couldn't. Yet. At least I hoped yet.

I used my fingers again and hoped that it would trigger something downstairs, but man, was I in my own head right now back in the early days of my lifestyle involvement i had this issue the first two experiences actually which i talked about in episodes two and three i just could not perform i felt turned on like i wanted to have sex but my friend down below was not cooperating so here i am naked with this unbelievably hot woman who wants me to have sex with her and my nerves go and get the best of me i thought it might be a comfort thing so i suggested that we head into the bedroom in that room um i had the lights off but i have this like led mood light thing that creates like cool motion patterns on the ceiling and uh has some lasers but no matter what i did it was just not responding i had had Eva start playing with me, figuring that if I could just relax, I'd be able to salvage this play date.

But even the familiarity of Eva's touch was no match for the nerves, anxiety, and pain I was experiencing at the moment now the pain i will talk about in a minute but i was in a lot of pain that evening i will explain now i don't want to lose the sight of the following fact everyone still seemed to have fun walter ended up fucking brianna while fingering eva at the same time and boy did eva squirt Thank you. Walter ended up fucking Brianna while fingering Eva at the same time. And boy, did Eva squirt too. Everyone was in good spirits, except me.

I put on a happy face, but deep down I was very upset. So I told Walter and Brianna how nice it was to meet them, how nice it was to hang out and to do this. But our evening was over. They headed out. And it was such a wonderful evening, tainted, in my opinion, by the fact that I couldn't perform like I should have. I have heard it on many other podcasts. I have read it. I have watched videos about it. Failure to launch, as I call it, is more common than we all think. It happens. It is a common occurrence.

It can happen to anyone, especially for a guy who is 48 years old like me well past my prime you know what i get that but as a guy and i bet other guys will back me up on this it's a horrible feeling sometimes it's it's even a bitasculating. I was in that room to pleasure someone and I could not provide. Now, I'm sure some of you listeners will argue with me as my counselor did as well. You made her orgasm. You made her squirt. She must have had a good time. I admit it. I believe she did. She had a good time. But she should have had an even I'll see you next time.

her squirt she must have had a good time I admit it I believe she did she had a good time but she should have had and she should have had an even better time she could have selected any guy she wanted at that hotel she chose me she counted on me I wanted to give her the best time possible I wanted to rock her world and I just couldn't and I get it I get it there's there is And I'll see you next time.

best time possible i wanted to rock her world and i just couldn't and i get it i get it there's there is more to an encounter than there's no way no gentle way to say this there's there's more to an encounter than penis and vagina penetration okay i totally get as a guy, you know, I think it's in our nature to feel this way if we cannot perform. So looking back, I still don't know exactly what happened. I have a pretty darn good idea.

I hadn't had much trouble since I first started taking ED meds after after my second ever lifestyle date so I don't think it was a failure of the drugs and here's why when we were on the dance floor and she was grinding on me before going up to our room I was hard hard as a rock. When Walter and Brianna left our room for the evening, I immediately wanted to have sex with Eva. We always do, anyway. You know, it's like, you know, we love reclaimed sex. And wouldn't you know it, I had no issues whatsoever getting hard. So there's nothing wrong with the drug.

And there's nothing wrong with my equipment down below. But damn it, there is something going on in my brain. I was so anxious. She was out of my league hot. Intimidatingly hot.

Like seriously, I was intimidated by how hot she she was and I did drink a little alcohol but I didn't think enough to affect my performance if anything should have relaxed me but again I had no trouble on the dance floor and no trouble with Eva after after walter and brianna left like none so what happened it was the perfect storm first of all as i said i was nervous because of brianna's appearance i thought she had no business wanting to be with a guy like me i am not exaggerating when i say she could have had any guy she wanted there no exaggeration whatsoever i know for a fact I don't know.

I am not exaggerating when I say she could have had any guy she wanted there. No exaggeration whatsoever. I know for a fact that other guys were checking her out and just amazed by her hotness. You'll just have to trust me on that one. Out of my league. And that seed was planted right when I met her. Unbelievably gorgeous. So those doubts were in my head all night. I wanted to make sure she felt choosing me was the right decision. And I think I just put way too much pressure on myself. Then it happened so fast in our room. You know, we walked in, clothes started coming off.

Usually I have kind of more of a warm-up period to kind of ease into things. We sit, we talk, we start touching. The touching escalates, maybe some kissing. Then the clothes start coming off and we get down to business. So I didn't have that usual buffer, I guess. Plus, what I'm about to tell you is a big one. As I mentioned earlier, I was in pain. Quite a bit of pain, actually. I didn't let anyone know this the entire weekend, not even Eva knew this, but I was in significant, virtually constant pain. At the time I had torn meniscus in my knee.

I was having surgery four days after the hotel takeover. This was kind of like my last hurrah before the surgery even with Eva having sex with Eva I would always have to think about where I put my leg to minimize the pain and discomfort kneeling was horrible getting up from a kneel was even more horrible. So I was in a lot of pain. Certain positions just really bothered it. Just walking around and dancing was quite painful.

So I knew I was in pain and I was distracted worried about the surgery coming up in a few days that was on my mind so you mix all that together with what I just explained and you have a perfect storm of distractions stress and anxiety that I was trying to work through that night. Still, as a proud dude, it sucked for me. I wanted nothing more for her to walk out and be like, you know, that wasn't just enjoyable. That was fucking amazing. I know she had fun. She said so, and I believe her.

But I just can't help but think how much more fun i could have been i am hoping hoping we can see walter and brianna again someday i admit it i want another shot kind of you know like uh kind of to redeem myself but they were just nice fun intelligent down-to-earth, attractive people. Of course we would want to spend more time with them. So we'll have to see. Again, Chicago is about five hours from here, I think. So there's some travel involved if we were to ever, uh, get together again, but still hoping that we can do that one day.

I know that, um, Walter mentioned meeting in Indianapolis one day. So that's, that's, uh, a possibility. Um, Indianapolis is just over two hours from here. It's kind of, sort of the halfway point, I'd say. So we'll see. Still hoping. This is my 30th episode of this podcast. And I'd like to think I've done a decent job with providing honest perspectives on all kinds of lifestyle topics? I always said that I want to do this and be honest with listeners. I want to talk about the topics that maybe some others are uncomfortable talking about. I want to normalize discussions about topics like ED.

If you were in the lifestyle it could very well rear its ugly head with you one day if it hasn't already. Especially as you get older. Again I'm 48 so you know I am not a spring chicken. And course, I want to be able to give advice and suggestions. So here goes. You might be wondering, so what are you going to do about this? How are you going to ensure or at least take steps to prevent this from happening again? if this has happened to you in some way, shape, or form, you might be wondering, what could I do to avoid a failure to launch?

Well, I'm no expert, but I will tell you what I know and what I'm going to do. Then, maybe down the road a little, I can provide an update. A few months ago, I visited a site or an app called Mojo that specializes in treating men with ED. At first, it really resonated with me. Now, as the program went on, I didn't like it very much. I didn't find it very valuable. But the first part really did resonate with me. Just the topic in general interested me. What stood out to me was what they said about the root cause of ED.

It mentioned that it was the result of our body's natural flight or fight response. If our body is stressed, it naturally resorts to this. If you become stressed or anxious during sex, your brain tells your body that it is in trouble. So what does your body do? It reacts. The blood doesn't rush to your penis when your body is in trouble. Your body senses the need for it elsewhere in your body. Like your muscles, which would be needed to run away from something bad. Now that is the most basic of all explanations.

You can't get hard because your brain thinks your body is in an uncomfortable situation. So it triggers this response, or lack of response, I guess I could say. It makes sense, it really does does I really believe that explanation is accurate so if I know what happened with my body's response what can I do differently nothing nothing really um I really think what happened at the hotel takeover was a perfect storm situation lots of stuff going on to set off my anxiety We'll be right back. But I really think what happened at the hotel takeover was a perfect storm situation.

Lots of stuff going on to set off my anxiety. So I'm going to keep doing what I usually do. I'm going to take my ED meds the next time I have a play date. And I have since the hotel event. And I've always done that since play date number two, three and a half years ago. I'm going to take my anti-anxiety meds. And I've also been seeing a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing. And so far, so good. Since my knee recovered, Eva and I have had two play dates. I was worried both times that I would have failure to launch issues, but everything worked out fine.

My equipment, my physical equipment, obviously works. I'm not worried about that. I just have to work on not letting my anxiety get the best of me. Easier said than done, I know. It was truly a perfect storm at the hotel takeover, though.

And now, now that I'm no longer in constant pain, and now that my knee has been surgically repaired, I am very much looking forward to our next adventures and like i said hopefully somehow some way we'll get to see brianna and walter again someday all right signing off here um thanks for listening i hope this episode proved to be a bit enlightening i i hope it provided some insight and perspective along with perhaps an entertaining story until next time you know how to reach me kick instagram evan deanson um i will say Eva and I were just talking that we might be phasing out kick it's become quite annoying with the ads that are popping up so we'll have to see but as of now i'm still there or you can email evan deanson at gmail.com we'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic or anything else you'd like to chat about.

In terms of ED meds, I've done Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. I've done them all. So I can give you guys, anybody who's interested, I can share thoughts on that. If you have questions about those specific drugs, I can help you with that. And I'd be happy to revisit this important topic in another episode or talk about any other topics you're interested in hearing about. So bye for now. I'm going to go rest my throat, get some cold water in it. Stay safe for now everybody stay safe stay naughty see you next time