Ep. 21: The Fizzle

Transcript

Warning, the following podcast contains adult content, adult language, and adult situations. I talk openly about sex and explicit topics. If you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives, please listen no further. I am not a professional therapist, counselor, or doctor. I'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please don't forget to subscribe to our channel. or doctor.

I'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you areinger lifestyle from the perspective of a guy in the swinger lifestyle. I am Evan. My wife Eva and I have been in the lifestyle for about three years and I usually start my podcast episodes by saying if you are new here I recommend going back and beginning with my earlier episodes so you can kind of learn about our journey from the beginning. But as always, if you don't wish to do that, that's fine.

No context is needed to hopefully enjoy this episode. Returning listeners, welcome back. Delighted to have you with me again. My voice sounds a little different today. I've been kind of experiencing with some of the audio tools I have on my computer. The last episode I did was the volume was too low. So I'm hoping this solves that issue. So we'll see. All right. Before I go any further, I need to address some scheduling information. Next week, I will be out of town, family vacation, so there will be no podcast episode. But when I started this podcast, I never intended to do weekly episodes.

In fact, if you read the description on one of the platforms, I think it's Apple Podcasts, I believe it even identifies this podcast as bi-weekly. And in recent episodes, I've mentioned that I don't want to run out of content to you know discuss on this podcast we Eva and I we haven't been in the lifestyle all that long and there aren't that many interesting stories and you know we don't go out and do lifestyle stuff all that often to, you know, to kind of build up more stories to share with you guys.

So when I return from vacation, I will most likely be adhering to a biweekly format going forward. I host a hockey podcast as well. And I want to be able to put some more time into that as well. So I'm just going to, I'm just letting everyone know you might be hearing less Evan in the weeks and months to come. All right, next up, I want to address a question that was asked of me. And this was not submitted by a listener, but actually it was asked by a guy new to the lifestyle. He contacted me on SLS. And now when he reached out, he was he was expressing interest.

He and his wife saw our profile and they were interested in possibly getting together with us for for dinner and drinks one night. And even I, unfortunately, were not interested. So I politely turned them down. but I always add something like this. I say something like, uh, but if you ever see us at a club or event, feel free to say hello and we'll do the same.

And I always try to put something like that in my response, you know, just because we're not interested in doing anything spicy with you it it doesn't mean we can't be cordial we can't be friendly so actually Eva Eva may disagree with that with uh with the statement here that I'm about to make but but in my opinion, you can never have too many friends. It's, it's always, it's always good to leave that door open. So, so I always say that.

And I also added, uh, since I know you are new to the lifestyle, feel free to ask us any questions you might have you know I've I've mentioned many times in this podcast that Eva and I were very lucky when we decided to enter the lifestyle we already knew a couple who had been in the lifestyle my DJ partner and his wife so when we started out, if we had questions or, you know, just needed advice, we had someone that, that was readily available that we could ask. And they kind of, uh, guided us at the start of our, our, uh, our lifestyle journey, the convenience of that cannot be overstated.

So Eva and I are always, always willing to answer questions or give advice to anyone starting out on their lifestyle journey. You know, we kind of want to pay it forward, so to speak. There have been several occasions where new couples have reached out to us and, you know, we were not interested in pursuing anything further, but we expressed that, you know, we could still chat and be friends and be available if they needed advice. If you have taken us up on it, you know, mostly questions about hotel takeovers, since Eva and I have been to several of those.

And a couple about a particular lifestyle club, you know, things like that. Honestly, though, most people don't take us up on the offer. You know, they, they just move on. But this one, this particular couple, this particular guy, uh, he did take me up on it. And he asked me about something that I thought would be kind of interesting to talk about on this podcast. So here we go. All right. He, he asked me about jealousy. He and his wife had yet to experience a full swap, but that's what their goal is. That's what they want to achieve.

And he asked how I handled seeing my wife have sex with someone else. You know, did I get jealous? And if so, what did I do about it? Well, first of all, I think I have only experienced jealousy one time since entering the lifestyle. And I've been hoping to do an episode on that, and I just haven't really planned it out yet. So it'll come out someday. um, a unique situation, a lot of unique factors. So I'll just, I'll just have to talk more about that in another episode, another time. But other than that one incident, I don't get jealous.

I, I got into the lifestyle or I should say Eva and I both got into the lifestyle knowing full well what to expect. I expected to see another guy's dick inside my wife. I just did. That's part of it. And I like the thought of that. When you decide as a couple to enter the lifestyle, it has to be a decision you both make together. You both have to know what is going to happen potentially and, and what you're going to see.

If, if you were the type type to get jealous then perhaps you need to do some further thinking on it before jumping right in unexpected emotions they'll come up they'll happen we have met many couples who have talked to us and told us that they have experienced jealousy... happen. We have met many couples who have talked to us and told us that they have experienced jealousy. And it's different for every couple, really. But you should definitely know ahead of time, think about it, like what you're getting yourself into, you know, like what you're going to see, what is going to happen.

So I told them all that, not in those exact words, but Thank you. You know, like what you're going to see, what is going to happen. So I told him all that, not in those exact words, but that was the gist of it, really. I also tried to answer his question on a broader scale. How does one become okay with sharing your spouse? And I'm going to warn you here, okay? I'm going to get a little philosophical. Fair warning. For me, it started with a little bit of an epiphany. At some point, I realized, and again, this is my opinion, okay, the way I feel. This is not doctrine, okay?

This is not set in stone. This is just my opinion. At some point, I realized that sex and love can be two completely separate things. You can have sex with someone you love. The sex can be an act of love. But sex can also just be about pleasure. It can just be about having fun. It can be satisfying an instinct that we have, in a way. Outside of the lifestyle, and I'm speaking in general terms here, sex is sometimes considered to be a very sacred act.

A very significant act is probably a better way to say it it serves or it can serve as a significant important point that is reached in a relationship in some views it is the act that consummates a relationship and in others it's like the ultimate point you can reach physically with someone. You know, if you sleep with someone, it's serious now. And others see it just as an act of passion or an act of, uh, physical enjoyment. I mean, I mean, let's face it.

I i i think this is uh this is accurate having sex reaching orgasm the way we are built as humans it's the most physical pleasure we can experience so that was my advice to him. You have to have that mentality. The sex you are going to have is not an expression of love, which you have had with your wife for years. The sex you are going to have is for pleasure, for enjoyment, for fun.

And I'm not saying sex with your spouse is not for enjoyment or fun it is that too as well but as long as you can keep those two entities so sex and love separate you'll do fine in the lifestyle but if not if there's still a part of you you that views sex exclusively as a sacred act of love, then you are probably going to experience some jealousy issues. Now please don't get me wrong, jealousy can still be something that arises even if you can appreciate the separation of sex and love. There are other factors I am well aware that can contribute to jealous feelings.

And again, saving that for a future episode. But I was just trying to address his question in simplest terms as a couple just starting out. And boy do I hope i gave him the right answer because again this is all just my opinion so all right on to my topic for today it is something that i call the fizzle it is something i don't like but i also think it is natural and something I'm not sure there are viable means to prevent. So let me explain what the fizzle is. And again, this is my word, my definition. I haven't heard it somewhere else. This is something that I thought up, all right?

So you probably won't find this in any lifestyle dictionaries. Some people probably call it something else. the fizzle is a reduction or elimination of enjoyment you experience with another lifestyle couple or person this This can happen naturally over time, or it could also be because of a specific incident or incidents. Things just fizzle out sometimes, and through extensive scientific analysis, not really, I have concluded that the fizzle occurs in two stages, or I should say can occur in two stages.

Stage one, okay, that occurs after the initial foundation building, you know, like all the, when you meet a couple online, you know, all the texting and chatting. And then after the first play date or first few play dates, when you meet a new couple in the lifestyle, you experience a high level of excitement and anticipation. and I guess I should be more specific when you meet a new couple that you like you experience a high level of excitement and anticipation. And I guess I should be more specific.

When you meet a new couple that you like, you experience a high level of excitement and anticipation. You start chatting and flirting. There could be some exchanging of pictures or, you know, some sexy talk. It is the building of the anticipation and the excitement that just builds until you have your first sexual encounter. And I remember my DJ partner telling me once, he said, um, remember, remember having sex with someone for the first time and how amazing it is like looking back, having sex for the first time with your wife. You remember how amazing that that was?

Well, in the lifestyle, you get to experience that first time feeling just about every time. That's what he said. And you know what? He was right. To this day, every first play date that Eva and I have ever experienced, I felt that excitement. I felt that anticipation building up. You know, I think in my head, holy shit, holy shit, I'm probably going to fuck this hot woman tonight, And then it starts happening. And the payoff is incredible. Before I met Eva, I had only slept with one woman one time. It was a very forgettable incident in college.

But with both her and Eva, I remember the first time and it was like, this is amazing. And I'm sure others, Eva for one, I'm sure others don't, don't get that same feeling every time like I do. Okay. So, um, there may be different levels of this, but it is really fun and enjoyable for everybody. I would think just maybe not the level that I, that I put it at for, but for me, it's there. So I feel very lucky that, that the lifestyle has given me the opportunity to experience a similar feeling. And again, maybe not as intense as those first times ever, but similar. Okay, similar to that.

So the lifestyle has given me that opportunity over and over again. A feeling I never expected to experience again in my pre-lifestyle days. I mean, I never thought in my late 20s, 30s, early 40s that I would ever have the chance to experience sex for the first time with someone ever again. You know, all the, the buildup and anticipation and excitement. So anyway, with all, with all that excitement that comes with it, there is inevitably a bit of a letdown that occurs afterwards. So that's what I call the first stage of the fizzle.

Once you have been with someone once, or even a few times in the lifestyle, the level of excitement tends to diminish. It's only natural, okay? It's normal. And here's an analogy for you, okay? I love analogies. Recently, I was talking to someone about petting dolphins, and I thought back to a time that I did that, okay? I was so excited to pet a dolphin. It was on my bucket list. For our 10th anniversary, Eva and i went on a cruise and at one of the excursions they offer, I was able to pet one and it was awesome. I would love to do it again. Absolutely would love to do it again.

It was, it was like, it was so much fun and I really enjoyed it. But I am, am I as excited about the prospect of petting a dolphin again as I was before I pet one? Nope, I'm not. Because I've already done it. I would love to do it again. But I'm just not as excited about it. The excitement has fizzled. Here's another example. I have to admit, I love crumble cookies. And I'm not sure where you're listening from right now, but if you've never heard of crumble cookies, I don't know if it's a regional thing or a national thing, but they make delicious cookies.

I would always stop at crumble if I was in a particular city that's about 30 minutes away from me, and they had a Crumble. Well, recently, they opened up a Crumble in my hometown. I was so excited about it. When I heard that our town was getting a Crumble, I was so pumped. Now, I still still love crumble, but I'm no longer excited about it. Like being in my hometown now that it's, you know, down the street from me, practically, I'm not as excited about it. It lost some of its luster. That's what happens in the lifestyle.

After you have experienced all the build up and excitement of that first initial playdate. Or first several playdates. After that, it's a little less exciting. Still fucking enjoyable as hell. Trust me. Just a little less exciting. It can be like a 9 instead of a 10. But there is a drop-off, and that's what I call the first stage of the fizzle.

One of the biggest pieces of evidence I can give you is the text messaging that goes along with a lot of the, when you meet other couples, when you first meet a couple, there tends to be a lot more texting every day, several times a day, you know, then after you meet maybe, I don't know, one, two, three times, there's less messaging going on. You know, I'm no longer checking my phone every hour for new messages. And I don't really see this as a bad thing. It's just growth. I mean, think about your spouse right now, if you're married and you're listening to this.

When you first started dating, did you, you know, text or message all the time, back and forth? And now maybe you don't as much. Eva's working. I haven't talked to her all day. I have not texted her. I have not talked to her in person. No, she's at work right now. I haven't talked to her all day. Sure, I miss her. I want to talk to her again, but I'm not checking my phone every few minutes hoping that I see a message from her. It's just growth. Relationships evolve over time, and you get closer and more comfortable with someone, get to know them better. There could be less chatter.

the first stage or the first fizzle in my scientific analysis is always going to happen in some form there's no way to fight it there's no way to prevent it it's human nature now i can't give you an exact time frame for when this happens there's there's a woman who i've talked about recently in this podcast and that i've i've So, let's see.

exact time frame for when this happens there's there's a woman who I've talked about recently in this podcast and that I've I've seen uh multiple times and uh she's she's actually the one who helped me fulfill a couple of my my pretty big fantasies and we have certainly messaged less but uh thankfully I I haven't really felt much of a fizzle yet. I'm still pretty much just as excited to see this woman again as I was at her introduction. I would honestly stop recording this podcast immediately and run out the door if she texted me right now and said, hey, let's get together.

So we'll see if my scientific analysis proves correct, but, but, you know, it's, to me, it's always going to happen. There's always going to be a little bit of a, um, I hate these word let down, but a little bit of, of a, a decrease in excitement. Once you have, uh, been with someone, you know, one, two, three times, you know, but again, it's, it is most likely going to differ from person to person. Okay. I'm just talking about what I have experienced. So please don't think that what I'm talking about is a rule. All right. It is not. This is just what I think and what I have experienced.

And part of the time with this fizzle is it can be time spent together. I would assume that if you meet a couple and start seeing them like every weekend, you may feel the first fizzle much faster. if you don't see them again for say six months well i i think the level of excitement and anticipation will remain at a at a very high level so that's a possibility tooends on the amount of time spent together. Now, once the first stage has passed, then you have kind of a decision stage, okay?

You've played with a couple one time or even a couple times or a few times and it becomes clear if you want to, you know, whether or not you want to keep seeing them. If you don't, for whatever reason, then it ends. Not really a fizzle, I guess, just an ending. But I'm calling it the end of the first fizzle stage. But if you enjoy their company, you had a great time and you want to keep seeing them, then you're probably in what I would call an FWB zone, a friends with benefits zone.

Now, I guess I should say that all this talk and analysis that I'm giving you, it applies to couples with similar lifestyle interests as Eva and myself. If you're more the hit it and quit it, get as many notches on my bedpost as possible type, then you might be thinking, this guy is making no sense. So please keep in mind that all lifestyle couples are different, and this is based on the type of experiences that Eva and I have. You know, we tend to lean more towards the friends with benefits relationships rather than the one night stands. You know, that's just not our style.

anyway let's just for discussion sake say you are just like Eva and me and you are now in the friends with benefits stage. This is where Eva and I, we have not had the best of luck. We have experienced all too often the second stage of the fizzle. The final fizzle is what I call it. The second stage, or final fizzle, by my definition, is when you end up seeing a couple much less, or not at all, after they have become what you would consider friends with benefits.

As I was preparing this podcast episode i looked back with eva on our fwb relationships in the lifestyle over our three years now out of all the couples we have known for the first half of those three years do you know how many we still talk to? Zero. We met a lot of nice people in that time. But things ended up fizzling out from the FWB stage for various reasons. Sometimes you just grow apart. There are two couples I can think of off the top of my head that we don't really see anymore, but would really like to. You know, nothing bad happened to end our time together.

It just got so difficult and cumbersome to plan dates because, well, mostly because of our distance apart. One couple lives 90 minutes away in Kentucky. And again, if you're not used to this podcast, I am located in the Dayton, Ohio area. So one couple lives about 90 minutes away, south, in Kentucky. The other lives two and a half hours away in South Central Ohio. So things fizzled out with them. And again, it's not that we wanted it to. We really do. Like even at this moment, we're happy to see them again if it worked out, but things just fizzled out.

Now this final fizzle stage can also happen due to medical reasons. We had to stop seeing one of our favorite couples for a medical situation on their end. They were one of our favorites and things fizzled out. We don't see them anymore because of circumstances beyond either of our control. Another couple we were hoping to see again. They had to leave the lifestyle because the lady entered a certain stage in life and decided she no longer wanted to be in the lifestyle. We were actually told that she became very depressed and we were concerned for her.

And if you've listened to any of my previous episodes, you may remember we had to end a great friends with benefits relationship we had with a local couple due to a grooming slash hygiene issue. So there are many ways this final fizzle can happen. This has never happened to us yet. But we had some friends tell us that they were seeing a couple fairly regularly. And as they got to know them better, they became more and more aware of some odd quirks that the guy had. And he became more annoying to them than fun. So they decided to stop seeing them. Eventually the final fizzle happened.

It fizzled out. Another example is that, I keep calling them the bat shit crazy couple I discussed in a previous episode. That final fizzle happened as we got to know them better. We became more comfortable with them, they became more comfortable with us, and we ended up seeing their true selves, and we didn't really like that.

So that relationship ended up fizzling fizzling out completely so what happens and it does make me think sometimes all right it maybe eva and i are are just too picky you know why after three years in the lifestyle do we only have one couple right now that we consider one of our regulars you know a couple that we regularly play with you know every couple of months or so now i i would say we are hopefully close to having a second couple we can consider regulars fingers crossed on that one do other couples experience the fizzle Here we go.

We are hopefully close to having a second couple we can consider regulars. Fingers crossed on that one. Do other couples experience the fizzle? Or should I say the final fizzle just as often? In my last episode, I talked about Axel's birthday party and how he and Cher had a huge group of friends, maybe not a huge group, but a big group of friends that regularly got together and played. And that was a fairly large group. We met other couples in the lifestyle who had a large group of regulars with whom they went on vacation with. They traveled with.

Eva and I, after three years, have never had our FWB relationships last long enough to even entertain a thought like that. Not saying I want or need it to reach that level of comfort. I just wonder why we have experienced so much fizzle. And I'm not oblivious to the fact that the door swings both ways in relationships. Things can fizzle out because of us. I get it. Maybe I am really annoying after someone gets to know me well. Very possible. Eva has a strong personality. So maybe Eva's strong personality rubs people the wrong way once they get to know her better.

And maybe it's my lack of quality flirtatious skills. I don't flirt well at all. Or maybe that, you know, know i'm not a i'm not really a take charge type of guy in the bedroom but who knows but i am well aware that a lot of the fizzle we have experienced the blame may not escape us okay we might be part of that But you know what i hate the fizzle i wish i wish humans can could retain the ability to experience first-time excitement when it's no longer the first time. I wish that friends with benefits would stay friends with benefits with us without the final fizzle.

So we're hoping that our current regular or soon to be two regular current regulars, that those relationships will last and continue to be our friends with benefits. That's kind of something that Eva and I really enjoy about the lifestyle is having friends, having people that you can get together with, hang out with, do fun stuff with, in addition to the fun in the bedroom. oh but what I will say is that I have grown very tired of the whole courtship process involved with seeking out and meeting new couples.

The time and effort that it takes to meet the kind of couples we want to meet, it's it's just it's become more of a nuisance than a fun hobby or passion to me just so much frustration involved and when something becomes more of a headache than it is enjoyment then maybe it's maybe it's time to step back for a while so here's hoping that our current fwbs will continue to enjoy our company and want to spend time with us and vice versa thanks for listening today i'm going to wrap up now i still have an episode planned with eva notes are all set we just have to figure out a time to sit and record it I know I've been I know I've teased that recently in recent episodes it's just not the easiest thing to do when you have a teenage daughter who lives at home but one of these days we will sit down and and record that thing I've had multiple listeners tell me they really enjoy my episodes with Eva so I will continue to try and get her to record We'll be right back.

that thing. I've had multiple listeners tell me they really enjoy my episodes with Eva, so I will continue to try and get her to record with me. In the meantime, please feel free to connect with me. You can find me on Kik or Instagram at evandeanson, that's E-V-A-N-D-E-A-N-S-O-N, Evan Deanson. Or you could email me, evandeanson at gmail.com. I'm still looking for interested people to do a call-in episode with me. If you are interested in that, please let me know. Or, of course, any questions, comments, suggestions for me or Eva.

Questions for her will kind of help her get back on the show quicker, I think. Actually, I can promise you that. Until next time, take care, everyone. Be safe. Be naughty. See you next time.