Ep. 20: Evan Screws Up

Transcript

Warning, the following podcast contains adult content, adult language, and adult situations. I talk openly about sex and explicit topics. If you are under the age of 18 or are uncomfortable listening to sexually explicit narratives, please listen no further. I am not a professional therapist, counselor, or doctor. I'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please don't forget to subscribe to our channel. or doctor.

I'm just an average guy in the swinger lifestyle who likes to share his experiences. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Please seek a professional if you are in need of advice, guidance, or care as it relates to sexual health or alternative lifestyles. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Evan Swings, a podcast about the swinger lifestyle from the perspective of a guy in the swinger lifestyle. I'm your host, Evan, and I'm half of a lifestyle couple. The other half is, of course, my wife, Eva. Thank you for joining me today.

As always, if you are a new listener, thank you for being here. but i highly recommend starting with my earlier podcasts, my earlier episodes, I should say, as they offer a chronological narrative about our journey into the lifestyle, which started approximately three years before the recording of this episode. We are currently in June of 2024, but no context is needed if you choose to stay. I'm just happy you are here. And if you are a returning listener, welcome back. Thank you for joining me again. I've said it before, and I'll say again.

If you look back at all the episodes of this podcast so far, a lot of them have to do with less than positive experiences that Eva and I have had in our three years in the lifestyle. But I want to remind everyone that our time in the lifestyle has been wonderful. I mean, it's been great. And I would say the last three years have been the most enjoyable years of our lives. It has brought us closer as a couple. As corny as it sounds, being in the lifestyle has only made our marriage stronger and our love for each other stronger. And I know that sounds corny, but it is the truth.

But it's the not so positive experiences that tend to be the more story-worthy, the more entertaining of the tale, and also the ones that can be considered learning experiences. So I'm explaining this again because today's episode is about just that kind of experience, a not so positive one. We all make mistakes in life, and we all can make mistakes in the lifestyle. And this story is about one of my big ones. I want to tell you the story about how I really screwed up. To begin, I have to give you some background information about a particular couple. I'm going to call them Axel and Cher.

Don't ask. So Axel and Cher. Names, of course, have been changed to protect the identities of the couple. Alright, about a year and a half ago, Eva and I planned to go to Princeton, a lifestyle club in the Columbus, Ohio area.

our preference is to never go there by ourselves we are not the types to to just you know walk up to strangers we don't know and start you know startup conversations it's just not our style same goes for the hotel takeovers by the way you know we like to we like to know some people before we arrive it just makes it way more comfortable for us so we planned on attending with some good lifestyle friends of ours who lived in the columbus area they were at the time probably our favorite like regular couple at the time. Uh, they actually, they had to leave the lifestyle.

This is why they're not one of our favorites right now. They had to leave the lifestyle for medical reasons and we miss them greatly. But, uh, at, at this time, at the time of the story, they were still very active. The plan was to meet at the club at a certain time, hang out, have some drinks, dance, and then take the fun to a hotel room. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous episode, but I don't like to play at the clubs. I have a lot of anxiety issues, and I find playing in a club, I just find it to be very uncomfortable. A lot of distractions for me.

Our friends were fine with this, though, and as Eva and I arrived at the club, we received a text from our friends saying that they were running a little behind, but they would be there shortly. No problem at all. Eva and I, when we were inside, we just kind of walked around a bit, you know, kind of took in the environment. Next thing we know, this dude comes up to us, Axel, and he starts talking to us. Super, super nice. He said that he noticed us kind of walking around aimlessly, and he invited us to sit with him and his wife and his friends until our friends arrived.

And Eva and I were like, sure, you know, we're glad to meet new friendly people. He brought us back to his table and introduced us to his wife and their friends. A very important thing to note at this time was that I did not find his wife all that attractive. And I guess another important note is that Eva found Axel very attractive. That kind of plays into things a bit later. I guess I should say that Cher wasn't unattractive. Okay, I don't think anyone would look at her and think, wow, that is one unattractive lady. Not at all. Okay, she was very pretty.

Okay, but there are a lot of pretty women that I'm not really attracted to. Okay. And that was the case here. Very nice, very personable. I just wasn't feeling it. Okay. I just, I wasn't really attracted to her. When I meet a woman for the first time in the lifestyle, it's almost like an immediate thought for me. Can I see myself playing with this woman? I mean, that that's what the lifestyle is all about, right? I mean, that's, that's the point of it, you know, to play with partners that, you know, other than your own spouse.

So I immediately thought to to myself i am not interested in playing with this woman or any of their friends for that matter but they were they were so nice and and just so very kind you know to invite us to hang with them until our friends arrived. I would say we hung out with them for, I don't know, I would say about 20 minutes or so. And then our friends arrived. Um, so, so we learned, we learned a little, a little bit about them. Okay.

They were, they were very experienced um in the lifestyle they had interesting jobs and i could tell that axel was very attracted to eva and vice versa i felt bad all right i i love seeing eva happy and i love it when she is attracted to men you know oftentimes that'll even put me over the edge if i am on the fence about someone if i'm not sure about whether i'm i'm feeling it with a woman if eva says she really wants to fuck the guy that is a huge turn on for me and somehow makes the woman more attractive to me. I don't know if that's weird or not, but that's, that's the truth.

All right, back to the story here. Once, uh, once our friends arrived, we still interacted with Axel and Cher throughout the, you know, the few hours that we were there at the club. I even danced with Cher a bit. I'll never forget that I was dancing with her and I looked over and there's Eva making out with Axel. It was a huge turn on for me. So I knew that Eva probably wanted more from him. And that put me in a tight spot because, again, I just wasn't really feeling it with Cher. But I was, you know, overall having fun. And at one point, I even asked Cher if I could kiss her.

I thought, you know, overall having fun, and at one point I even asked Cher if I could kiss her. I thought, you know, maybe that might spark something, you know, jumpstart something if she was, like, a really good kisser. And, you know, she was a good kisser, I guess, but it really didn't, I really didn't feel a spark, okay? I didn't jumpstart anything. Before we left the club with our friends, Axel gave us their contact information and told us that they'd love to get together with us sometime. We became friends on SLS and we began chatting with them a bit. And Eva joined the chat.

i told you in other episodes that eva's not really big on chatting with text messaging but she did in this situation and at this point eva was all in with this guy but of course i was not all in the lady. But I really, really wanted to make this work for Eva. Now, we're not in the business of taking one for the team, as it's called.

But again, this lady was not unattractive and was super nice and seemed super fun so I decided to see how things played out and maybe maybe that was a mistake to begin with but I thought you know maybe if we met them outside of a club setting and got to know them a little better I would feel differently you know personality can make a huge difference for me when it comes to attraction. Little did I know at this time, but she felt, Cher felt the exact same way about me. Okay, she wasn't really feeling it with me. She wasn't really attracted to me.

All right, because I found out later she wasn't all that attracted to me and just like me wanted to try to make it work because she realized her husband was very much into eva so with that in mind it was decided that we would get together for dinner sometimes they course, lived over 90 minutes away from us, and that seems to be the trend if you have listened to many of my episodes.

We live in small town Ohio, outside of Dayton, and most couples we meet are from Columbus or Cincinnati, both of which are over an hour away from us anyway we found a restaurant that was approximately halfway between us and met there for dinner and we had we had a nice time my only complaint was they were into they were into bar, and Eva and I are not into that. But we went along with it. After dinner, we visited three different bars for a drink. Not my favorite thing to do, but the goal was to get to know this couple a little better and see if we could find some chemistry.

I can't say we really did. Well, between Cher and myself, there wasn't much chemistry at all. But dammit, Axel and Eva were really hitting it off. I think there was kind of an unspoken agreement between Cher and myself. We knew we were not really a match, but we wanted to try and see it through for our spouses. It wasn't really taking one for the team. We had a decent time together. Neither of us are ugly. We were both in decent shape, decent looking, intelligent. So I think we were just trying to make it work. Spoiler alert, it did not work, as you will see.

After that evening, Eva and I discussed the situation. She was kind of annoyed with me that I wasn't feeling it with Cher, because again, she was all in on Axel. But again, I said I was willing to go through with it that did not fill Eva with excitement you know again our rule is we do not take one for the team and she felt like that's what she would be doing or that that's what she felt like I would be doing. And that kind of took the air out of her sails. But we were going to give it another shot. Shortly after that evening, Axel was having a birthday party.

And he and Cher invited us to join them at Club Princeton. They reserved a table and were having kind of a large group of friends meet there. So Eva really wanted to go and so we decided to go.

Now, keep in mind, I want to remind you, I don't like playing at the club and we don't play with people we just met okay that that plays a part in what happened next we arrived that evening at the club and axel was already intoxicated when we arrived he was not really himself okay we were introduced to several new couples and we, we all just hung out, you know, we danced, uh, drank a little, talked just normal, normal party stuff.

We were only there, I would say about an hour, an hour and a half, maybe when Axel approached us and told us that the entire group and we're talking maybe five couples, 10 people, we were all heading back to a playroom. They were all going to head back to a playroom to have an orgy. He was very polite and told us we were more than welcome to join in. But Eva and I, of course, politely declined. Again, I don't like playing at the club, and we didn't like the idea of playing with a bunch of people we just met and were not attracted to.

In fact, if I remember correctly, there was only one woman in the entire group I found attractive. So it was definitely a no-go for us. Now that I think about it, I found it odd that they all decided to do that, so early in the evening we were invited to this party and they they basically said hey you're gonna fuck us or you're gonna sit out by yourselves i don't know i if they planned on doing that that totally fine. I'm just not sure if that was the plan that we should have been invited in the first place.

It's like they were thinking, we're having a party and let's invite all our friends that we like to have sex with. And that one other couple that we just started getting to know. I't know it's just it's just weird to me but another thing that came out of it eva was turned off by the way axel was acting she does not find it attractive at all if you are sloppy drunk or super high you know where you where you can't stand up straight and you're you're slurring your speech Okay.

at all if you are sloppy drunk or super high you know where you where you can't stand up straight and you're you're slurring your speech so that caused her to see him in a little bit of a different light and at the time i was unaware of just how turned off she was time passed and you know Eva had been chatting separately with Axel, and that kind of died down, and eventually it ended completely. I guess the last they chatted was November of 2023, and that begins how I screwed up. I'll explain momentarily, but we have to fast forward to May of 2024 now.

So that's like, what, six months after the last chat message was sent between them. All right. Eva has this fantasy. She wants me to set up a hotel date with a guy. She doesn't want to know who will be waiting for her at the hotel. She wants to show up at the hotel and be surprised about who was waiting there to fuck her. And I was determined to set this up for her. I found the idea to be quite hot as well. So it was mostly for her, but I was getting something out of it too.

I couldn't wait to be thinking about what she was doing at a hotel with a guy and then hear all about it when she got home and then have amazing reclaim sex. But who could I get? You know, as we have been over this before, Eva and I are quite selective. It couldn't be with a random stranger. Okay. And trust me, there are plenty of those. If I were to get on one of the sites or apps right now and say, hey, I need a guy to fuck my wife at a hotel. Who's in? I would have plenty of options in a matter of minutes. But that's not going to work in this situation. It had to be someone that we knew.

I tried setting it up with the male halves of some of the couples that we knew pretty well in the lifestyle, and that was difficult too. I think I mentioned earlier, one is no longer in the lifestyle due to medical reasons, so he was out. Two of them were not allowed to play separately, and another insisted on only doing it while his wife was working. So finding a date for that was virtually impossible. Then I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. Axel. I could see if he was interested. I felt I was the reason that Eva did not have the opportunity to be with him.

I felt like I had kept her from experiencing something or someone she wanted to experience. The whole reason she didn't get together with him was because she felt that I would be taking one for the team with Cher. So I thought this was the perfect opportunity to rectify that. This would resolve that. She would get the opportunity to be with someone she wanted to be with. But really couldn't because Cher and I were not attracted to each other.

I thought if I could get Axel, she would open that hotel room door and a huge smile would come over her face, you know, knowing she was about to fuck a guy she had wanted, but her husband, me, stood in the way. And I was 99% sure she would be happy with my decision. Spoiler alert, this ends up falling into the 1%. I contacted Axel. He was surprised to hear from me. I explained what I wanted to do. And, And, I, I just wanted to see if he was interested and he was. Cher said it was fine and we could start planning.

He told me he was quite surprised that Eva would be interested in being with him because they had stopped chatting many months back and I told him I understood that but he was always someone that she wanted to be with but I kind of I kind of interfered with that we don't take one for the team so the opportunity passed and this was going to fix that I was going to give eva a huge thrill or so i thought so axel and i we we set a date and then next i had to check with eva i mean i had to let her know about this i informed her that she would be going to a hotel that I designated and would be meeting a surprise date there.

And she was thrilled. She confirmed the date was good and things started rolling. You know, I had Axel pay for the hotel and told him I would reimburse him later because I did not want Eva to, you know, happen to see our Venmo transaction and, and then have his identity blown. Eva, um, she had me ask him what, uh, what color lingerie that he wanted her to wear.

And he chose a color and Eva bought new lingerie for the big day i sent him a spotify playlist so he knew what type of sexy music eva loved you know to hear during play dates and then you know the the time leading up to the big date she would think out loud to herself almost every day about what guy it could possibly be. And she was convinced it was a certain other guy, one that I did ask, but he wasn't allowed to play separately. And everything was coming together perfectly until about a week before the date.

Eva was in the shower and I walked into the bathroom and while she was in there, I was just, I just started talking to her about random stuff and our conversation somehow turned to some lifestyle topics. and that and that reminded okay, Eva was going to check with a family member of hers about, um, an appliance question because this particular family member knew a lot about this particular type of appliance and an old lifestyle friend who we no longer were close with remembered that she had this family member and actually reached out to me with a question about it.

And I told this old lifestyle friend that I would relay it to Eva and she would ask her family member about it. So I brought that up and that lifestyle friend just happened to have the same first name as Axel. And when I mentioned his name, it must've triggered something in Eva because she suddenly was thinking about Axel and what if he was the guy that I arranged the sexy date with? She thought about it and I guess was thinking, you know, no, it can't be him. She finally decided to just come right out and ask me. Shortly after the shower, she confronted me.

She said something like, I have to ask. It's not Axel, is it? And the way she said it, I knew that she was not happy about it. Like, she said it just like that. It's not Axel, is it? My face just went white. You know, I didn't know what to say. And then she continued. I hope it's not Axel. I have no interest in seeing him. I don't know how to explain what I was feeling. It was just this horrible combination of shock and disappointment. It was gutting. You know, we were both so, so excited about this surprise date.

And in an instantof it was gone there was no use hiding it you know I came right out and said it yes it is Axel Eva hoped I was joking I had to because I do joke a lot Um, but I had, I had to sternly say I was not joking, and it was very upsetting to her. She was at a huge high about this date, and now suddenly she was at this low, low. So what the hell just happened? Why was Eva not happy about this? Well, of course, we talked extensively. And there were several reasons. One was that she just wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. The mood had passed.

You know, time had passed, so she was not interested in seeing him anymore. Secondly, bad that that she kind of ghosted him and i don't i don't think it was really ghosting but i guess he was the last person to send a message and and she just never responded to that message and she felt a little uncomfortable because of that even though i i told'm like, no, that's not ghosting. Okay. That was just the conversation just ended. That's all there. There always has to be a last person in a conversation, in a text message conversation. And she just happened to be the last one. That's all.

Or Axel just happened to be the last one. thirdly, the night of Axel's birthday party, him being so intoxicated was apparently a bigger turnoff to her than I thought. It kind of made her rethink how she viewed him, and she didn't find him quite so anymore and i and it wasn't just the intoxication it was just the the situation like you know we were invited to this party and then all of a sudden we're getting blown off so that they can go have sex in the back room so she didn't find him quite so attractive anymore.

And then fourthly, and most importantly, she did not want to do this surprise date with someone she had never had sex with before. She was not comfortable doing it with someone if it was going to be their first time having sex together. I admit, I guess I didn't think all of this through hard enough. I screwed up. But at the same time, I really didn't realize Eva would only consider doing this with someone she had already been with. That was never explicitly stated to me. And I know I'm supposed to know my wife better than anybody else.

But I think I mentioned in other episodes, I don't read between the lines. I don't take hints. I don't read signals. So sometimes things just just unless they're specifically bluntly stated to me it it doesn't register with me so if we did discuss that part of the fantasy I admit I forgot and even though Eva says she told me that she wasn't as attracted to Axel anymore, I didn't realize it was a deal breaker. Like I didn't realize the, to the extent that she felt this way.

And to me, Axel was just this guy that Eva wanted to be with but was unable because her husband and Cher prevented it due to the lack of their mutual, mutual attraction. So I screwed up, you know, I, I misunderstood what my wife was hoping for. And I, I forgot a key detail. So it was on me. All right. I accepted i still do i accept the responsibility thankfully eva was not upset with me she understood that my intentions were sincere i was i was trying to do something really nice for her and it took a lot thought, a lot of time and effort to get all this arranged with Axel.

And she recognized and appreciated that. But it was something she just wasn't interested in, wasn't comfortable with. And it put her in an awkward spot. And I think that's what she was most upset about, the spot that she was put in she was content with how it ended with axel how it kind of just kind of faded out at most we would you know see them again casually at club princeton and say hello exchange pleasantries and then you know go our separate ways because of what I did, because of all this, Eva was uncomfortable. She didn't want to reach out to him again via text.

And now I was going to have to cancel the date with him. So Eva was very upset. Again, not at me, Thankfully, you thankfully you know again my intentions were good but it just made her feel just all in all just just terrible she was especially upset that i got this guy all excited and and now we had to back out and she was upset that she was the one who never responded to his last text and now it was like it was like you know opening an old wound just kind of a weird awkward situation all around I've said it many times The lifestyle It evolves It changes for people.

Your wants and your desires, they can change over time. Your rules, your expectations, they can just change. And you learn as you go.

And this was certainly a learning experience for me i now know that eva will never meet with someone separately unless she is super comfortable with them after all this we even talked about if i were to try it again like if i were to try to set something like this up again who would she be comfortable with like I asked her who would you be comfortable with and the list she gave me is very very short even guys that she has been with in the lifestyle and and had a good time with, they're not on the list.

In order for this fantasy, this particular fantasy to happen, she has to be super, super comfortable with them. And now I know. I learned something about my wife. I guess I should have known that already. But she and I are different. Okay, I would have no problem meeting with someone alone, not having slept with them in the past. I would have no problem meeting someone at a hotel with limited previous interactions with them. Hell, I would probably even meet a stranger. If I knew that it was going to be a safe situation, I would do that. But I am not Eva.

So we established some new ground rules. And that is something that I love about Eva and our relationship. We communicate. We know that things may not always be perfect. We know that some bad things can happen. But we talk about them and we address them. So we did. And now I know what I would need to look for in a potential play date for her.

Should I ever attempt to set that up again as for axel i had to take the hit both both mentally and financially you know he already he already paid for the room non-refundable so i had to Venmo him that money, wasted hotel room and hotel rooms, as you probably are aware, are pretty expensive because, you know, I didn't want just some no-tell motel. I wanted a nice hotel room for this experience for my wife. So it was a little pricey. And of course I had to explain to him what happened. And I was honest.

You know, I explained that we, you know, we discussed, Eva and I discussed her requirements for playing separately. And I discovered that this did not meet those requirements. I was vague, but honest. And he was actually very kind about it and said he understood. He said that our relationship as a husband and wife, that was the most important thing in the lifestyle. And if anything ever makes anyone uncomfortable, you have to call it off. And I was very glad he thought that way. He did ask if he should reach out to Eva and I told him I did not think that was a good idea.

I just said that if we ever run into him and share at the club or somewhere else, we'll say hi. But that's as far as it went. My friends, the lifestyle is not always a smooth ride. There's going to be bumps. There's going to be challenges. And there's going to be learning experiences. And this was certainly one of those learning experiences for Eva and myself. The good news is that I am confident, knowing what I know now, that I will never screw up like that again. It sucked. It sucked going from being so excited to so dejected in a matter of less than a minute.

But Eva and I both agreed that this was much better than the alternative. We're actually looking back thankful that she found out ahead of time. Imagine her showing up excited at this hotel, and then she goes up to the hotel room, the door opens, and who's there? Someone she does not want to be with.

Now that would have made for an incredibly awkward situation i had told her that you know when i had all this set up that she would need to text me when she arrived and to let me know that you know she had arrived safely and to also you know that, that I also wanted her to let me know if she was unhappy with my choice, we would have her walk away. No questions asked. And Axel knew that too, but never would I ever would have expected her to be unhappy with my choice.

percent chance boy was i wrong big time but i guess that's something else i can tell you in the lifestyle you should never ever feel forced to do something you don't want to do you and anyone you were ever with should understand that minds can change in an instant if you are uncomfortable you are absolutely allowed to walk away no questions asked if it happens to you someone says you know someone suddenly says i'm out well they're out don't try to convince them otherwise don't try to make them explain themselves they're out and you need to respect that and the opposite is also true if you suddenly decide you are uncomfortable with something anything say so say so, and it's over.

They need to respect that and let you walk away. And I think this is kind of an unwritten rule in the lifestyle, okay? But if you have any doubt, make sure you speak up. Make your feelings known. If they are truly a gentleman or a lady, they will let you walk without, without a peep. Okay. Without any questions asked, everyone has to be understanding in this business. All right. Now that I'll step off this soapbox, um, I will say, hope you enjoyed this episode. This is one of those episodes where I just hope I brought some good perspective and insight.

Of course, I hope the story was entertaining, but I hope that it also provided a good message. Something valuable, I hope. I know that I certainly learned a lot from this incident and I hope you'll visit my podcast again soon. Thanks for joining me today. Please reach out to me. I had my, I had my first solicitation from a business. Some, uh, podcast company assured me in a couple of email messages that they could take my podcast to the next level of popularity for a hefty fee, of course. So I said, no, thank you.

But I'm always up for hearing questions, comments, topics, suggestions that you might have. You can connect with me on kick or Instagram. Uh, just search for Evan Deenson, E V A N D E A N S O N, or, uh, shoot me an email at Evan Deenson at gmail.com until next time, stay safe and stay naughty. Take care, everybody.