I don't know how your profile "was" other than what I can infer from other's comment here, but what you have now is actually one of the better SM profiles we have seen. There is always room for improvement for all of us, but well done!
Too many commas are as bad as not enough. It's a Goldilocks thing. ;-)
I really like your profile. It's a little breathless in places because of the lack of commas (I know that sounds weird, but the what and how of language and punctuation convey as much information as the actual words), but that's fine, because it makes you seem appealingly enthusiastic. The only thing I'd change is that "washboard" is one word.
No flowers, etc., needed. Just go forth and whatever. Good luck!
Phoebert'sWife- Thanks for the critique. My grammar teacher and I went round and round about commas. In my past, I was guilty of overuse. I guess the lashings with wet noodles have caused a mental block to this day! :)
And yes! ;)
I based those comments on what you'd copied here - what's live on your profile is slightly different (looks to have the comma issues in those first two sentences corrected). Make sure you make any additional changes after the most recent adjustments are approved.
Have fun!
You and commas have a love-hate relationship, correct?
I'd change the beginning of the first couple sentences: "Seeking couples and single ladies" and "Age, race and looks"
Single females isn't exactly grammatically correct and just sounds awkward. You could use "and/or" in place of "and" but replace that comma with one or the other. The second is a list of three things so you need to separate with a comma. There may be other issues with commas but those are the most glaring because they are right at the beginning. Any others are overwhelmed by your wonderful sense of fun.
Do you ever visit NE Alabama? ;-)
~Phoebert's Wife
Phoebert/Holly-
Thank you very much for the critique.
I think I have all of Ms Molly's suggestions incorporated into my profile.
I have gone through my photos and cleaned them up. I think its looking better!
Thanks again!
Ms Molly- I am so grateful for the critique- where do I send flowers and chocolates?
I have made the changes you graciously suggested. They may not be live for 24 hours, so I copied them here:
Looking For:
Seeking couples, single females for anything from friends to semi-professional mattress testing. Age race and looks are not as important as personality. Each meeting is a no pressure/no expectations event. Not everyone I meet here is a sex partner, as I enjoy talking to all walks of life while building a circle of lifestyle friends. Ongoing relationships are the best but I’m open to meeting visitors and tourists as well. I enjoy sharing my enthusiasm of the lifestyle with newbies and can also relate to others who are seasoned like myself.
I'm also looking to meet exceptional single guys. I am often asked if I know other quality guys that would a great fit to accompany me to a party or event.
I recently joined TJs, an on-premise club in Newport, PA. I would love to meet other regulars who frequent the club when I visit.
Description:
I was once voted class clown and have never lived it down. I always have a joke or innuendo at the ready. I think I'm easy on the eyes and hope making you laugh distracts you from my lack of wash board abs and otherwise underwear model physique. I have the uncanny ability to talk to strangers for hours and part ways as great friends. I’m considerate, experienced and enthusiastic. I am educated and well-traveled visiting over 50 countries and 49 states. Damned Alaska!
I have been splitting my time between my home at the beach in Norfolk, and my home in the Adirondack Mountains of New York. I frequently commute between the two and move my profile as I travel.
Fantasies
I have over a decade of experience both as a single and couple. I have attended house parties, on-premise clubs, hotel take-overs and resorts.
My fantasies are your fantasies. My bucket list has been checked off, so let's work on yours. My boundaries are your boundaries. Your comfort zone is my comfort zone. I am the perfect single guy for MFM threesomes knowing my role as the third wheel.
Additional
I host small parties in my home on the beach. Typically they are three or four couples with singles added in the mix. You can find our group "Parties at the Beach House" on the SLS Groups Page. I have also enjoyed hosting some out of town friends for mini-getaways to the beach.
You sound like fun and your profile just needs some fine tuning.
Try to rearrange so you've got information in the proper section. MsMolly seems to have covered specifics rather well. You could probably cut back a bit on detail about the distances you'll travel as well - that's more of a private conversation. Mention the two houses, the parties you host and clubs you frequent and deal with distances on an individual basis.
You have some good photos and some you should toss. Go through them with a critical eye and remember - ladies want to think they'll have fun with you. Bathroom selfies and no smile usually don't scream fun.
Good luck, have fun and stay safe!
~Phoebert's Wife
You seem like a great relatable gentleman. Your profile accomplishes what many do not: you do well in conveying your personality.
You can clean up your pictures a bit. There several that have same to similar poses and you can cull those a bit. The two black and white ones that make you look confused should probably go as well. My question is who is going to meet me at the restaurant? The man with the stubble/ brilo pad on his face or the clean shaven one? Do you only shave and bathe on Saturdays or do you groom well for dates?
It shouldn't take too much effort to amend what you already have.
I take something back. It's been bugging me since I hit send, and it wouldn't if it wasn't a mistake.
Instead of this: Respectful and considerate are two words that lifestyle couples would use about me. I would describe myself as experienced and enthusiastic.
Try this: I'm considerate, experienced and enthusiastic.
The passive voice just isn't anyone's friend and I think if you get it out of there, it'll not only sound more natural, it will be more appealing and closer to your forum voice, which is attractive and low key without being wishy washy.
Hi. No, you probably won't love it. Have you read other threads here? At best, a critique will make you laugh a little. Anyway, it's generally well meant, however harshly phrased.
Okay, so, first prize for worst doggerel ever, with a special ribbon for ending as you began. Just capitalize the first word though.
Your photos need pruning. You have two public folders, duplicates, bathroom selfies, and a few unappealing expressions. Clean them out, leaving smiling or at least widely pleasant expressions (your default is fine, for instance, but the b&ws with the turned down mouth are not).
In terms of your profile, I'm a little torn about some of your phrasing, but it might work better if you make a few changes. Basically, in some places it doesn't really do a great job of representing you and I think it's because it's a little stilted in some places. But that problem might disappear if you move and change some other things.
In Looking For, you've kind of used the section as a grab bag. Also, you've left out your interest in single men, which for them probably doesn't matter but leaves an open question for the rest of us. Also also, are you allergic to commas? Because they're actually useful and help signal the reader to take a short pause.
In any case, only the first paragraph actually belongs here. And it needs expanding, and not just to include an outline of any interest in other single men. Say more about why you're looking for the people you're looking for. You alluded to it a bit when you talked about parties, but that doesn't really belong in this section. Instead, if you're open to both ongoing and one-time things, say so.
The second paragraph goes down in Additional comments and the part about TJs moves up to the closing paragraph here.
The third paragraph, with some revision, because, really, no one needs to know the details of how far you'll drive or in what circumstances, actually goes in Description, because it's about you instead of the people you're looking for. They're the stars of this first section.
Description is where it gets most stilted, which is usually what happens when people are uncomfortable talking about themselves. Try this instead: "I was once voted class clown and have never lived it down. I think I'm easy on the eyes and hope making you laugh distracts you from my lack of washboard abs. I have the uncanny ability to talk to strangers for hours and part ways as great friends. Respectful and considerate are two words that lifestyle couples would use about me. I would describe myself as experienced and enthusiastic. I am educated and well traveled, visiting over 50 countries and 49 states. Damned Alaska!"
And lose the joke. Two are enough. ;-)
In Fantasies, I'd just say you have X years experience as a single and a couple and attach the second paragraph to that. You can leave the details in reserve as something people can ask you about. I'm not suggesting being mysterious is a great strategy, but broad strokes in your profile give others a chance to be curious.
Collect other opinions and then I hope you make changes and come back to see if there are more refinements.
Good luck.
Friends- Would love a critique of my profile. I feel it is too long and too verbose. Any ways to make it shorter and have more WOW!!
Kyle
