Whose regret and whose jealousy?
If your husband thinks that will kick in, is it he who will have regret or jealousy or does he think it will be you?
There is a big difference between who the expected person is.
Just remember this:
Men are told that the more women they fuck, they are praised. Women are told that the more men they fuck, they are shamed.
That is a stupid way to raise people.
Regret and jealousy might take over. Maybe not the first time, but perhaps the 25th time. Or if not those things, some other feelings you'd rather not have.
Swinging isn't for everyone. It may well not be for you. But developing the skills within your relationship to deal with every single feeling honestly and with loving compassion with yourselves and each other is essential in swinging and pretty damned important regardless.
LOL@ TomandDiane - Yeah, the after sex? NEVER any regret or jealousy. We enjoy other couples, but the sex with just us after? WOW, that's a 10!! :)
Our first time was with an experienced couple. Met them socially the first time & then set up a playdate at their place a week later. We played separate rooms but could hear what was going on across the hall. It was hot & fun for both of us. On the way home we compared notes & had great re-connecting sex the moment we were home.
Mayhem, that is as usual a hell of a good point!. Had not really thought about it but yes, that could lead to feeling of regret. I think it's inherent in all of us to seek a bit of validation after you've done the deed so to speak. Not receiving that could plant the seeds of I/we weren't that good and make you overthink the next time. Honesty, it has for us.
That's why we try and follow the swinging 101 book of good manners. No matter if they were not great in the sack or they had terrible dinner manners, we always try to find one thing we enjoyed about the evening and communicate that back to the other couple. Typically it's a text when we get home to the other couple. Not sure that's where you were going, only our interpretation of it :)
There is one feeling not mentioned; VULNERABLE. Not sure if everyone else goes through this but that first time, we really felt like we put ourselves out there and wanted some sort of validation that we and it were all good.
That validation didn't happen for us our first time, which is likely why we are so empathetic with newbies. If/when you do make that first move, it's worth it to try to find out what would happen after you play. That isn't always possible because people can say one thing and do another, but the point is to realize that this is a feeling that you may also need to contend with that can lead to regret.
This is yet another reason BTW some will not engage with newbies. More experienced people may view this as being clingy/needy and avoid you afterwards for that reason. Knowing that this may happen can also help you appear less clingy/needy.
I was posting a reply, and then realized that Mayhem had, once again, beat me to the punch.
You can talk a a ton about fantasies and fears, and you definitely should be having those discussions. You can ease as slowly as possible into house parties, MFMs, club orgies, etc, but the bottom line is that you really won’t know until you know.
Just be prepared to continue to discuss any feelings in as open and honest way as possible. And, be ready to walk away from the lifestyle at any time if it’s not right for both of you.
The reality is you will never really know for sure how you will feel seeing/hearing your partner having fun with someone else until after you do it. Everyone is different. For us, our only regrets are that we didn't start doing this sooner.
You do NOT have to jump right into full swap. You can try starting with same room/partner play and see how that goes. If you feel jealous that someone else saw your partner naked, it is easier to recover from that than the thought that someone had sex with your partner. If that works out OK you can try soft swap. If that goes well then you can try full swap (or not), but by that time you'll at least have a better idea of if you will feel regret or jealousy afterwards.
We wrote an essay about 3 years ago and posted it to the swingersboard site. You do not need to be a member to read it. You might find the commentary useful. As usual replace the "dot" and the asterisk
w*w dot swingersboard dot com/swingers-talk/73762-swinging-consensual-non-monogamy-within-marriage dot html
We will echo the sentiments the others have shared. Communicate openly and honestly. For us, it's the secret to success in our marriage.
If and when those emotions strike talk about them. But do so honestly and openly. Don't hint at it. Say it.
I, the husband, did have a moment of jealousy early on. But we talked about it and got through it. We're stronger because we talked about it.
I love my husband and he loves me. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I learned in my early 20's that I could have sex with someone and really enjoy myself, although I had no romantic feelings about them. We both have no feelings of jealousy about the other, because we are so secure in our own relationship. I enjoy seeing my husband have pleasure with another woman. I also know that it's me that he loves. The relationship we have wouldn't work for everyone, but it does for us. I suggest you both talk a lot about this before you do it for real. The key is how deep you love one another and how much you trust and respect one another.
While this is the Mr typing, I can happily share the Mrs perspective. It all starts and ends with communication. Why are you swinging and what do you anticipate to get out of it, well other than they physical enjoyment. I made the suggestion to swing. It was a cold and lonely weekend on the couch after I did. She thought I just wanted to sleep with other women, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't sexy enough etc so there is your jealousy angle. Long long discussions brought to light that my thrill was not necessarily other women but to share her with other men, to see her in sexual situations with other people. She finally got there to understand my lust was for her, not other women.
Regrets? We've been enjoying this hobby for about 15-years. Her response today to valid questions like yours? "There is never a doubt who I'm going home with and who loves me for me". So the feelings are natural and in our opinion the only way to solve them is through brutal, honest communication about motivations. I'm highly confident in saying, she has no regrets.
My husband and I are interested in swinging.
He's worried after the fun Regret or jealousy would take over. What do you think? I'm really looking for the woman's perspective.
