The STI Testing Trilogy: Episode 3

Transcript

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Wherever you are, I hope you have blue skies. Welcome to that other lifestyle podcast. I'm your host, Jason. Leave vanilla behind as we talk about more about STIs. This podcast is for adults only. We will be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language, so it is not safe for work. If you're under 18, this is not the place for you. This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and That's called non-monogamy. And it's open to everyone no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or personal truth.

While I do my best to use inclusive language, you may hear terms like husband, wife, or partner for simplicity's sake. This show is for everyone though, lifestyle, vanilla, or just the curious. You want to connect? Send me an email to host at thatotherlifestyle.com. Visit my website, thatotherlifestyle.com, and check out my favorite lifestyle product recommendations at binnable.com slash thatotherlifestyle. Everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is so much more than you think. And a brief, brief aside here. You may notice my voice is getting tired.

That's because I'm recording all three of these episodes back-to-back because I am piss-poor at planning. Of the three episodes on testing, this was the hardest one to write. Maybe the hardest one for you to listen to. We've come this far and we ain't done yet. We need to talk about what to do if you are exposed or contract an STI. I know there's people out there, somebody may skip this episode. Please don't. I know some people may not be willing to face this possibility. Please look at it. I know people may not like what I'm about to talk about. That's okay.

You don't have to like it, but I still want you to listen. the other episodes i talked about why testing is important how to get tested what to do with your results and how to create your own personal sexual health protection plan the last piece of this puzzle is what the fuck do you do if you were notified that you have been exposed or you test positive for an STI? People in general, always with the broad generalizations, Jason, don't think about this possibility. I have met people who refuse to get tested.

They will come up with a book of excuses on why they can't get tested just to avoid or hide or dismiss this possibility. This is wrong. I said it. Fight me. People are scared to get tested because ignorance is bliss. If I don't know I have an STI, then I don't have one, that sort of thing. Yes, people like this exist in the lifestyle and over in the vanilla world. There are people who refuse to go to the doctor with a misguided mentality that if they go to the doctor, then the doctor is going to find something wrong with them that requires medical care.

And if they don't go to the doctor, then they're fine. Look, we're fighting the ugly twins of ignorance and denial, and oh, they are so ugly. They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, and then they got kicked by donkeys. Let's set the stage. You and your spouse have been in the lifestyle for about six months. Six incredible, exhilarating months. It all started a while ago in a hot tub with a close friend. One innocent touch, a lingering glance, a moment that cracked open a door neither of you had realized was waiting to be opened.

Sure, you had fantasies, but you were always hesitant to share them. Maybe your spouse mentioned the topic one night while you were watching TV. What followed was a whirlwind of exploration, self-discovery, and sensual delights. At the start, after that first encounter, you remember sitting with your spouse, white glasses in hand, having the talk. That talk about STIs that I encourage everyone to have. Your knowledge of STIs came from really bad sex ed in school, maybe a few public service announcements, a couple of advertisements for medications.

In your vanilla life, you've never had a reason to learn. You reassure each other that you're doing everything right, whatever the fuck that means. You use condoms, or you don't kiss, or it was just a whirl. You pick the best couples. They looked clean, right? Look, you hear that shit all the time. They look clean, as if you can tell who has an STI just by looking. But back then, when you were having this conversation with your spouse or for wine, STIs were a fleeting concern, just a box to check. The thrill of the lifestyle swallowed any hesitation, any lingering doubts.

You were careful, sort of, mostly, but yeah, it was good enough. Fast forward a few months. You've been to parties, dipped your toes into the resort scene. Now you've been talking about going on a swinger cruise. You feel good, really good, confident even. This lifestyle has strengthened the bond with your spouse in ways you never imagined. You communicate better. Every day is a new adventure, a new story to share. Your phone buzzes constantly with messages from new couples. You obsessively check the adult dating sites.

You fell in with a chat group of hundreds of people a few weeks ago, and everyone in there is so nice and sexy. Being newbies to all this, you too are getting a lot of attention. Your date two weeks ago was just great, and you run the sexy play-by-play, the moment-by-moment through your head. This date two weeks ago, that was about as close to perfection as you've experienced so far. You and your spouse went on a date with a new couple. You started chatting on a Thursday, and by Saturday night, the stars just aligned, and you two got lucky, real lucky, like hours worth of luck.

The only real screw-up, a little screw-up, really, was your spouse, and you, somebody, forgot the hoe bag. I know I've talked about the hoe bag before. It's a little makeup bag or a pouch with a zipper that you keep all your supplies in. Lube, breath mints, and condoms. This time, you forgot the condoms. No big deal. And the other couple said, don't worry about it. Looking back on it, no one asked about testing. No one even mentioned protection. And to be fair, that condom rule, you wave it more often than not. It's a hassle, right? You trust your gut. You and your spouse don't have anything.

And these couples you meet, they're in your local livestock community. So that counts for something, right? They're verified and validated of some sort, not random strangers at a resort. Monday morning, you're at your desk, sipping coffee when your phone dings. You flip it over and a grin tugs at your lips. It's them, the couple from two weeks ago. Maybe they want to meet up again, relive the heat of Saturday night. You open the message and your fucking stomach drops. Hey, just a heads up. We tested positive for gonorrhea. You might want to get checked. Their message reads, the fuck?

Your heart pounds. Not in a good way. Your mouth goes dry. You reread that message, hoping you misunderstood, hoping the words will rearrange themselves into something less terrifying. This, this is the dark side of the lifestyle, the gnarly, slithering beast that lurks beneath the flashing lights and pulsing music, whispering just beneath the surface. The thing you knew that was there, but never thought would touch you. And now here it is, staring you in the face. Your hand is shaking as you wonder if your spouse got the same message.

Oh, they did, because you just got another text from your spouse. You hesitate to open this one. There is anger in those words and that message. Disbelief. The texts are coming rapid fire from your spouse. Denial in the next one. More anger. Anger at you for fucking suggesting this shit, doubt about the validity of the test, accusations against the other couple. This is the fucking reality, y'all. I cannot say that everyone in the lifestyle will contract an STI or even be exposed to an STI. Some people go for years and catch nothings.

Others contract an STI on their first experience, unfortunately. There is no guarantee that by participating in the lifestyle, you're going to catch anything. But for our story, we need to stare into the face of this monster and be strong. I mentioned in other episodes I'm not going to go in-depth on symptoms and treatments while the STI is out there. For my purpose, right here I'm just going to use gonorrhea for our story. Each STI is its own nasty little beast that requires different treatments. Gonorrhea has a comparatively easy treatment and generally no long-lasting side effects.

Back to the story. What the fuck do you do now? I can tell you what the next steps are not. If you're on the receiving end of one of these messages, you're going to have a lot of emotions. You may be angry and feel that this was done on purpose. I promise it was not. You may feel shame because it happened to you and now you feel dirty. You are not dirty. Your self-worth is not determined by an STI any more so than your self-worth is determined by catching the flu. You're going to be shocked. You will be frozen and unsure of what to do next. That's okay.

You have to process this moment, but you have to move. You have to move forward. I know my words may be hollow in the moment and doing no good for your psyche. I get it, but you have to move forward. There may be denial. Well, maybe you didn't catch anything because maybe, you know, hypothetically used a condom or you didn't kiss or you took a shower after going a step further. Maybe the test was a false positive, which can happen. Don't gamble with your sexual health on what ifs and maybes or hope. The guessing stops now with STD Hero.

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Head over to bennable.com slash that other lifestyle now and explore the list. Because in this world, the right gear makes all the difference. The first step when you get that text message or you're told or someone messages you, whatever, you need to get tested. That is the first step. You process your emotions and you make a phone call to get tested. Do not wait. Do not think, I will give this a week and see what happens. The sooner you get tested, the sooner you can begin treatment. There is a two-week window where some tests for some STIs are not accurate. It's fucking science.

Some STIs have an incubation period or your body does not produce enough antibodies to show up on a test, which means you test when you're notified and then you're going to test again in two weeks and then you're going to test again a few months later. Yes, you will need multiple tests to put your mind at ease and ensure that you're all clear. Multiple tests. Go get the first one. You can either do an at-home test, which could take a few days to get the results. I promise those are the longest fucking three days of your life. You should probably, though, probably go to a healthcare provider.

You might get faster results and they might be able to do a better test. Even if you have the, even if you do the at-home test, you still need to go to a doctor to get treatment and confirmation. Don't argue with me on that. If you go the healthcare provider route, you need to be honest and upfront with the doctor or whoever's giving you the test. Tell them that you weren't exposed to an STI and that you would like to get tested immediately. And know that you will probably have to do a follow-up test in two weeks.

Follow whatever guidance the doctor gives you, even if it's different than my advice or the fucking internet's advice. Follow the doctor's advice. In the time frame of all these tests, between you and you get the notification and your test at the two-week mark, abstain from sex. Abstain from sex with your partner and certainly other people. But what if we both have the STI? Why does it matter? Shut the fuck up, random person listening to this and being an asshole. There's a possibility that your spouse does not have the STI. There's a possibility that you do not have it, but they do.

You don't want to deal with two infections at one time if you can help it. And it goes without saying, which means I need to fucking say it, no swinging, no fuckery with other people until you get that all clear test. And I dare say, I recommend going a step further and waiting until the test at the 90 day mark just to be doubly sure that you're all green because some STIs have incubation periods. You want to know that you were all clear or else you will be the one sending out those messages. Which, speaking of that, what the fuck do you do about notifying other people?

Look, you need to notify people. There's no getting around that. That's why I recommend writing down the couples you're with so you have a record in case you are in the unfortunate position of having to send out those messages. How quickly should you wait to send out the message? Should you wait until you have a confirmed test result? Let's flip this around. If a couple you were with found out they were exposed, would you want them to tell you as soon as possible? I'd leave it up to you, but I also say do unto others that you do what happened, do unto you and all that good stuff.

Yes, you will need to tell people. The how of it? Keep it simple. Hello. Sample message. Hello. My wife and I were notified we were potentially exposed to X. Fill an X with whatever STI it is. That's important. Tell people what you got or may have. Keep the message short. We were notified of X. We recommend you get tested. That's it. But Jason, what if they're mad at me? What if they do not respond kindly? Might happen. Shouldn't happen, but it might happen. But you did the right thing, though. I know I said to notify your partners. What if you can't?

Therein lies the fucking reason I do not like one-night stands. I don't like having sex with random people that I will never see again. I don't like it. Yeah, it sounds fun and sexy and wild having sex with people and you don't even know their first names. But what if, and this is one of the few what ifs that I indulge and ascribe to, what if there is an exposure risk? I can't tell them. They can't tell me. Then STIs keep spreading around like wildfire. One of the reasons you want to notify people is containment. STIs can ravage a lifestyle community. We all fuck each other.

You want to be part of the solution and help stop the spread. Your message may be enough to stop another couple from accidentally exposing a third or a fourth or a fifth or a sixth couple. As horrible as this is to say, your message could also save a life. Your message can help. There are really bad STIs out there that can be transmitted between spouses, parents to kids, siblings, what have you. Sending a message notifying people could save a life. Gonorrhea is a shot and a round of antibiotics. HIV is a lifelong treatment of medication.

It is not a death sentence anymore, but you don't want someone who doesn't know to spread anything to anyone. We looked at what to do if you're notified that you may have been exposed. What about if you do contract an STI? Any of them. Before we get into the process though, we need to talk about mental health. This is important, too. Depending on what you contract, it could be one of those, oh, shucks, this sucks moments, all the way to the other end of the spectrum of depression and existential dread. Big range of emotions. Let me tell you, they're all valid on that spectrum.

It is easy, very easy to feel overwhelmed, but know that STIs are common. It happens. Whether this is a lifelong consideration or maybe just two weeks of dripping, there's going to be strong emotions. These emotions may be so strong, you need to go help. You need to go find support and therapy. Take care of your mental health. Feelings of guilt or shame or frustration are normal but not productive. You need to get treatment for your physical body and you need to get treatment for your mental health. That's okay. Surround yourself with supportive people.

I like to believe that people in the lifestyle are enlightened enough or mature enough as a whole to be supportive of those who may be impacted. I can hope for that, but I know it's not true. People can be really shitty in this world. You may lose connections. You will probably lose those connections to other people that were only interested in sex. Since they can't have sex with you, they don't want to bother associating with you. You may lose connection with people who are afraid. Remember, fear is caused by ignorance.

Education can go a long way to ease their concerns, which as I write this out and now I I'm saying it, how fucked up is the human condition? A person who is dealing with an STI has to stop and reassure other people. I don't get people. Depending on your social circle, some people may not treat you any differently. They may still welcome you with open arms and call you a friend. That happens too. I hope whoever is dealing with an STI has a supportive circle of friends. The quickest way to find out who is a real friend is to see who runs in the first hint of trouble. The practical steps here.

You need medical treatment. I promise you, this ain't going away on its own. Somebody out there needs to hear this. Do not avoid medical treatment. Do not think an STI will clear up or adopt a wait-and-see approach. If you have suspicions, get tested. If you have a positive test, get treated. Simple. No arguing. Follow the guidance of a medical professional. Not a podcaster like me. Not a random fucking person on TikTok. Not a blog or a forum post on the internet. We're not experts. They're not experts. I'm not an expert. No magic herb or supplement will clear this up for you.

You need medication, real medicine. That part is cut and dry. The nebulous piece is your future in the lifestyle and how you proceed forward. So a person can be a participant in the lifestyle without having sex. You can still enjoy the spaces and friendships and connections without fucking laying that out there. If you have a positive test result, you will most likely have to do another test called a confirmatory test. Same thing as a pregnancy test. A woman might take an at-home pregnancy test, but she still needs to go to a doctor to get a confirmation.

You will need to understand the STI that you have contracted, symptoms treatment, contagiousness level, medications, and retesting. It is a lot to process. Take it one step at a time. This is also a good time to re-examine you and your spouse's testing routine and your sexual health practices. What the happened? Was there a breach? Was there a mistake on your part? Was it dumb fucking luck? Evaluate and calibrate your sexual health plan as needed. Are you ready to party in paradise?

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Are you ready for more? Let's answer the big question I've been dancing around. If you contract an STI, can you participate in the lifestyle, you know, the fuckery part? I can't answer that. I can't give you a blanket answer of yes or no. I will say that you are now obligated, obligated to share with potential partners that you are currently under treatment for an STI unless you have a clear retest. Do you need to share, for instance, if you caught gonorrhea last year and you got treatment and you have a recent test result showing you're all clear? Maybe not.

Do you need to share that you have HIV or herpes? Fuck yes. The difference is one of them can be cured while the other one sticks with you. Yes, undetectable can mean untransmissible, but you still have to give your potential partners the knowledge and allow them to make a decision. By not telling your potential partner, you are infringing on their body autonomy. You're making a decision for them that they may not be okay with. Yes, depending on the STI, you need to tell potential partners about it. I know it sucks.

Yes, people may decide they do not want to proceed with the fucking because of your admission. But it's better to be honest. It shows respect on your part. And for instance, in the United States, it could be illegal. Like, go to jail sort of thing. If you knowingly have certain STIs, have sex with someone and not disclose it. Working through different facets of this, what do you do if someone tells you they have an STI as a prelude to fuckery? In the vetting conversation, it comes up. First, you need to thank the person for sharing it.

It takes a lot of courage and emotional fortitude to be honest and upfront. Now, there's a decision on your part to proceed or not to proceed. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that you need to be confident in your decision. If you decide to walk away, that is your choice and no one can fault you for making an educated decision. If you decide to proceed, there is a risk, and that risk is not zero, and you need to be sure of what you are agreeing to. Again, an adult mature decision. Do not make that decision while you are horny or intoxicated. Please don't.

Make that decision with a clear mind in a not horny state. You have been with me on this long adventure about testing. We've shared stories and hopefully I provoke conversations that need to happen. The lifestyle is fun. The lifestyle can bring couples closer. The lifestyle has been a blessing to me and my wife and our marriage and I hope it is to you as well. The lifestyle can be risky though. There is potential for STIs to derail, infect, and scare people. We as a community need to take steps to normalize conversations about testing.

We need to fight the stigma together that the vanilla world has around STIs. This is a community effort. Speaking of the vanilla perception of swinging, there was a news article which was actually a thinly veiled ad for a smoker cruise I saw a few months ago. The article made the standard pitch about these cruises and how wild and spicy they are. You have totally seen these puff pieces. What I found fascinating were the comments. Hundreds of comments from vanilla people. Hundreds of comments about critiquing the lifestyle, which is fucking normal and fine.

What I found really fascinating were the comments about how dirty the cruise must be. One person said they wouldn't go on this boat unless it was drowned in bleach. Another promised they would never go on a boat if they knew it had been used for a swinger cruise because of the risk of catching something off of a surface. This cruise line better hose off the deck because us swinger types, you know, we just spray bodily fluids everywhere. Filthy animals fucking everywhere on the boat. Lots of people sharing their perception that swingers are walking petri dishes, which we are not.

Compare that to an incident I saw years ago at Disney World. We're standing in line for the, uh, it's a small world boat ride. That super annoying one. The line makes a couple of switchbacks that were separated by a chain. I watched a child, maybe 10, put his mouth on a chain and walk back and forth, sucking on the chain for a good 10 to 15 feet all the way down the road.

That means another child at some point with sticky, disgusting hands touched that chain and left a nice deposit of sugar film from whatever they were eating, that this second child was now harvesting with his mouth, in a theme park, off a chain that was probably touched by a thousand people that day. No one else noticed. The parents did not stop him. I stood transfixed, disgusted. I nudged my wife so someone else could share this sight with me. The parents did nothing, oblivious, distracted by the chaos that is theme parks.

This is now a core memory in my head and why I always carry hand sanitizer to theme parks. Somehow, in the vanilla brain, a bunch of adults who wash their hands, use protection, actively avoid trying to make others sick, pretty health-conscious butt group of people, right? Somehow, we're worse than this child sucking sugar off of a chain at a theme park. I tried to find statistics to compare the rates of STIs between lifestyle people and vanilla people. I couldn't find a reliable source. Nothing I trusted to share. Hypothesizing? Would the rate be higher among lifestyle people? Probably.

We do have sex with more people than vanilla people. Do we take appropriate safety measures and practice better protection strategies than vanilla people? I say fuck yes to that. So don't make me a liar. Use protection. Get tested. Be safe. Be responsible with your sexual health. One more mention of STD Hero before I go. I like this company. I support them. I ask that you support them too. Use my promo code TOL10 to get 10% off your order, and it really helps me out.

I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions or topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host at thatotherlifestyle.com, my website, thatotherlifestyle.com. My personal disclaimer, I'm not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way. I'm a guy with microphones sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only. Please join us for the next episode. Remember, STI testing is important and it takes a community to make a difference.

Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Thanks for hanging out with me for three whole episodes this week. I appreciate you so much. Have a great day.