Welcome to this candid episode of That Other Lifestyle Podcast, where your host Jason delves into the dynamic world of ethical non-monogamy.
Filled with raw and unedited musings, this episode takes a deep dive into the experiences of both newbies and seasoned veterans in the lifestyle community. Jason sheds light on awkward encounters and the pressures newcomers face, advocating for a more inclusive approach from veteran members.
Join Jason as he emphasizes the importance of community, patience, and understanding, reminding us that the lifestyle is about more than just physical connections; it's about human connections. Whether you're a curious newcomer or a seasoned participant, this episode urges everyone to foster a welcoming and supportive environment. Stay tuned, as Jason shares his thoughts and personal anecdotes on navigating this vibrant and sometimes challenging world.
My links:
www.thatotherlifestyle.com
https://benable.com/ThatOtherLifestyle
Single Men's Guide to the Lifestyle Course
Risque Lifestyle Parties
SDC.com
STDHero.com
Hellowisp.com
Transcript
Speaker1: good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you are i hope you have blue skies welcome to that other lifestyle podcast i am your host jason leave vanilla behind as we fight the universe this podcast is for adults only we'll be diving into adult and sexual topics with plenty of colorful language i'm gonna cuss so it is not safe for work if you're under 18 get the hell out This show is all about exploring the lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, and it's open to everyone, no matter your background, gender identity, expression, or your personal truth. While I do my best to use inclusive language, you might hear terms like husband, wife, or partner, for simplicity's sake. This show is for everyone, though. Lifestyle, vanilla, or the curious. You want to connect? Send me an email. Say hi. Send me an email to host at that of the lifestyle.com or visit my website that other lifestyle.com everyone is welcome here because the lifestyle is so much more than you think good morning it is now 3 45 a.m i am sitting here in my office sipping on my coffee recording my episode i did not i had a planned for this week. i was supposed to do an interview and they canceled last night when we were supposed to record so i didn't write shit this week and i my only solution is i woke up and decided i'm just going to turn on the microphone so if you've ever wondered what i sound like at 3 a.m. and only been up for about 15 minutes, this is my morning voice. It is gravelly. It is not warm. It is just a voice. But I appreciate you hanging out with me. I don't really have a script. I'm just going to ramble for half an hour, and we're going to hang out together, and it is going to be fantastic. Recently, the universe is fighting me. That's the only conclusion I can come to. Two weeks ago, we went to a wonderful takeover, and yeah, it burned out a lot of my creative juices just being there. And then last week, I did not do an episode, as you may have noticed, because allergies. Allergies decided to just walk up and kick me in the fucking face twice. So I lost my voice last week, and my voice still isn't 100% this week, but I need to get something out. I at least need to say hi to everyone and tell you, hey, I'm doing okay, and I need to make some content to feed the fucking content machine. Past two weeks have been rough. Past two weeks, it's just been every single day it's something else, and I know you've had weeks like that. I know it's just, you sit back and you're like, what the ever-loving fuck is going on? It has been awkward. It has been uncomfortable. It has been awkward, uncomfortable situations. It has been plans falling through. It has been messages not read, messages not returned. It's been a fight. It has been a fucking fight these past two weeks. And I want to preface this by saying, I'm fine. I'm fine. Okay. No, I'm not depressed. And none of that stuff is just me lamenting and bitching of like damn it why isn't everything working but it happens life fucking happens sometimes and we just roll with it i last night when my uh interviewee canceled on me i had nothing written for this week i didn't write out a script i was thinking oh shit i'm good i can just talk to her for an hour and, you know, content. So I didn't write out shit. I have some notes about something I'm going to talk about, just some bullet points I put down. But yeah, didn't have a nice big 5,000 word script to share with you, unfortunately. Last night I was texting with a buddy, told him what happened and he said, just do it raw. And he's so encouraging and I do appreciate him so much. He listens every single week. And he said, just do it raw and he's so encouraging and i do appreciate him so much he listens every single week and he said just do it raw just turn the microphone and talk for half an hour it's like all right let's roll with that i think i've done one other raw episode where i just threw something together and put it out there this is going to be the same thing with this one i ain't editing shit at some point i'm going to take a sip of coffee we're going to call that the commercial break and i'm just going to sit here and we're going to hang out the idea the idea that i have a full a couple of bullet points about is a conversation that is going to hurt this is going to cause weird feelings in people side effects side effects going to be questioning guilt having shit moment. I did that. You may have possibly been on the receiving end of this. You may have inadvertently accidentally been the one doing this. We need to talk to all the veteran listeners out there. And I know I have a lot of newbies. I know y'all are out there and you listen to the show and I appreciate you so much. I know I have newbie listeners and I know they listen and they come here for really good advice. I've met a couple of you and hi, if you see me out at something, come say hi, I'll give you a hug. This episode is not for you. This episode is for the veterans, the experienced couples out there who have been doing this a while. Talking to my wife last night because I needed to wrap my head around this and she was actually the one who gave me the idea for this episode a couple of weeks ago and i just been sitting on it i get questions a lot of why isn't your wife on the show why doesn't your wife come on apparently there's a lot of other lifestyle podcaster husband and wife duos my wife's not coming on the show. Maybe for the 100th episode, I can convince her. We can collectively convince her. If you want my wife to come on the show, send me an email and say, hey, bring your wife on. We want to hear her. My wife isn't coming on the show anytime soon because she doesn't like the way her voice sounds when it's recorded. And I totally respect that. But she does help. My wife does help me a whole lot with these episodes because it's the ideation of it i'm really fucking good at talking i always tell people the only thing i'm good at is talking i can't dance i can't sing i got this i thing that i cannot catch a ball to save my life i have terrible depth perception so my wife helps out a lot with the thinking, with the writing, with the, you know, helping me wrap my head around a concept better so then I can better explain it and tell everybody about it. So she does definitely help. And she definitely helped out with this one last night because I was laying on the couch and oh shit. I got to do this. That's okay. I appreciate her so very, very much. And if you're married, go hug your spouse, give them a kiss and tell them you appreciate them. My wife, she helped me. She helped me out with this topic because it was a conversation she was having. We were at a party, set the stage for you. My wife being her usual, charming, wonderful self. And it's really funny because my wife says she's an introvert. and if you've ever been on a party set the stage for you my wife being her usual charming wonderful self and it's really funny because my wife says she's an introvert and if you've ever been a party with us that's not true that she is an extrovert who's in denial we were at a party and there was a nice couple there striking up a conversation as we do because you know you just want to say hi to people and this woman listening to the conversation and the usual intro like oh hi how are you doing names who's your spouse how long you've been in the lifestyle introductions and all that and I wasn't saying a whole lot I wasn't saying a whole lot just because I don't know I wasn't talking and my wife was chatting away so she's talking to this relatively new couple to the lifestyle somehow there was a tonal shift in this woman and it went from like really happy and bubbly to some some other emotion something else and the woman said a phrase that really parked up my ears that i haven't been able to get out of my head for a few weeks. She compared joining the lifestyle to a meat grinder. I don't like that. I didn't like that at all, but I don't want to say anything. I just wanted to listen. She compared their experience in joining the lifestyle to just being thrown into a fucking meat grinder. They went to a couple of takeovers, they joined some big ass chat groups, and she said it just, it felt like they were just thrown into a meat grinder. Because, like, when they join these chat groups, and they post a relatively vanilla picture, people just jumped on them. They're directing, they're DMs. And it took me forever to realize that DMs stood for direct message. I am in the wrong generation. She said her DMs just lit the fuck up. They had all these couples reaching out to them, all these people saying hi, all these people started sending nudes and doing the thing of, hey, we'll show you the ropes and the lifestyle. I did a whole episode about mentors versus newbie hunters, and I think this woman just ran afoul of a bunch of newbie hunters. But I don't like that. I don't like her, and I know there's others. I don't like her having that feeling about the lifestyle. I love this community, and I love what we do, and I love how wonderful and inclusive and welcoming the lifestyle can be. It hurts my heart whenever someone has a rough experience joining the lifestyle. And I thought really it resonated with me and I stuck it in the back of my head thinking, oh snap, there's a good episode here. There's an idea here. Fast forward a few weeks later having another conversation at this big ass takeover and we met a couple it was their second year there and they were telling us that they're they weren't sure if they were going to come back and it's like man what's up because the thing we went to was amazing it was like 300 people a full hotel takeover parties every night we did take over it was this is top-notch stellar production here and i'll do a whole episode about it later this summer once i have fully processed everything that happened the the guy i was chilling with him talking to him and he's like yeah the last year wasn't that good which struck me as odd i was like well what's up dude and he said it was hard to connect with people outside of the parties. Now I'm paraphrasing all this because me and him, we were probably inebriated when we had this conversation at this point, but I listen. I like to listen to people. I like to hear their stories. I like to hear their experiences because it helps me grow as a person. Talking to this dude, he said that when they came to this the takeover last year they would meet people on the dance floor or at the takeover you know at the bars or whatever and they would say hi and chit chat or whatever the problem is that they were in a strange city they were like three states away so they didn't know about the city. And they could not find anyone to have lunch with, which sounds so completely innocent and innocuous? I'm words, fucking words right now. We're keeping that in there. I'm just leaving that in there. It sounds so innocent. And I've been in that boat though. I've been in those shoes where we go to a new event and we don't really know anybody we don't have any social connections and fuck me we just end up ordering a pizza to the room that i've been in that i've been in those shoes and i i get what he's saying it's really easy to make a connection on the dance floor, it's really easy to make a connection sexually, physically, in the lifestyle, but it can be hard to go to lunch. It can be hard to find people to go to lunch with. And I'm giving this dude so much grace because I've been in those shoes and I know there's people out there thinking, well, fuck, you should just ask somebody to go to lunch with you. That's hard. That's really, really hard whenever you don't know anyone. So often in our lives, in the vanilla world, we are conditioned to not ask for what we need. We are conditioned to not do the outreach because it can be considered pushy or not polite. I'm fucking tired of i am i'm so fucking tired of that i'm tired of a lot of things but i'm tired of that i'm tired of this feeling that we are scared and and that's what it is it is and especially for new couples it is daunting it is intimidating it is scary because you're at this takeover with 300 relative strangers fuck me you're you're talking to somebody on the dance floor you're not even positive if you got their right name at some point which fun fact i always joke about this that uh i know people in the lifestyle i've known people for years i've seen their buttholes and i don't know their real names i joke about that that fucking came up like last week i learned someone's like Thank you.
Speaker2:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank say. Anyway, I digress. The meat grinder. We have to the veterans out there. We need to be better. We need to be more cognizant. We need to remember this lifestyle is
Speaker1:
Thank you. we have to the veterans out there. We need to be better. We need to be more cognizant. We need to remember this lifestyle is hard. When you join into this, you are joining an established culture. This is a culture with our own language, certainly our own etiquette. And I need to do a whole episode about the rules of consent i realized that after these past two weeks and seeing infractions on what i would consider the rules of consent like no we i i need to lay that out that's that's an episode i need to write just to make sure that i'm saying the right thing in the right way so people can grab this back to the meat grinder lunch friends this is this is something we need to be cognizant of they're all too often veteran couples are on the prowl and they're just looking for somebody to fuck i get that i i totally understand that that is a lot of people that's what they want from the lifestyle is just the sex totally that. You can't put that kind of energy onto new couples. They're not ready for it. New couples need a lot more hand-holding than that. That was two stories that smashed together into my head to create some kind of semblance of an episode to talk about. Something else that bugs me. And now it's just turning into me bitching for a half an hour while i sip my coffee and it's three no it's uh four o'clock in the morning roughly thanks for hanging out with me something else that bugs me fucking reddit man on reddit there is a swingers subreddit if you don't know about reddit it's actually a really good resource for people who are in the lifestyle there's a swinger subreddit i don't know 500 750 000 people on here and people post every single day a question or a comment or something and people interact you know community kind of thing every single day there is a person who will go on there and it's the same questions every single day. There is some dude who is concerned about his dick size, some woman who wants to talk to her husband about this and doesn't know how. Every single day, every single day is at least 10 to 15 posts of people asking the same questions over and over again. that's okay we need to understand that's okay when people get into this they're going to have the same exact fucking questions as everyone else we need to give them grace we need to be of them grace and we need to have patience because remember it is the same question but it is a different person asking this question needing some kind of guidance needing something to help them the lifestyle is daunting and intimidating and scary i feel for my part i don't mentor people i do this podcast i talk about this stuff every single week so that's i feel that's my contribution i hope it is sufficient to the great lifestyle gods we need to remember that these are people. Every single new couple that is coming into this, they are a separate whole ass person. They're going to have their own experiences. They're bringing their own experiences into the lifestyle and they're all at a different place in their journey. We need to have grace. We need to have patience with them. And to the veterans out there, they're not prey. Just because a new couple joined some chat group out there, they're not now targets for you. And I don't like that. I don't like people joining the lifestyle and feeling like they're being preyed upon and that's what i was hearing from this lady who was talking about it's a fucking meat grinder that these mechanisms are set up to just feed new couples in for veteran couples like what the fuck are we doing this is wrong this is wrong on on so many levels to just turn people turn humans into this
Speaker3:
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Speaker2:
Thank you. evenings on the white sand beach and your nights with the hottest lifestyle DJs all in one place.
Speaker3:
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Speaker1:
When you go out for a wild night, you want to be the hero of your own epic story. You want to do the kind of things the vanilla world can only dream of. You want to set the night on fire.
Speaker2:
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Be safe out out there be a hero of your own story use promo code tol15 for 15 off your order at stdhero.com my wife for her credit because she is amazing and wonderful and we were talking about this and she compared it to rightfully so someone's starting a new job because if you're starting a new job that is scary and intimidating and daunting are you noticing a theme here with my words i cannot make a metaphor or hyperbole or a simile right now or an analogy for shit but i can at least pick good words. I think my wife compared this during the lifestyle to starting a new job. And on your first day of work, you need someone to orient you. You're going to go through some kind of employee orientation, or at least you should. They're going to tell you all about the company. They're going to tell you about the company's culture. And then someone's going to show you around. Someone's going to show you where the break room is and where the cubicle is and where your computer is. And they're going to show you what the fuck is expected of you every day at this new job. That is just peak perfect analogy right there. And that's the attitude that for us veterans that we kind of need to shift into that we're orienting these new couples we're giving them an orientation into the lifestyle because all of it remember all of this is brand new you may have been doing this for a couple of years you know the ins and outs and the tricks and nuances and all that new people don't and new people you need to remember this let's go back in's find the way back machine. Turn some dials. Let's go back in time to your very first meetup, your very first takeover, your very first date, your very first encounter. You cannot look at me and tell me you weren't scared. You may have been nervous. You may have been excited. But somewhere in there, you were scared because you did not know what to expect. You did not know how everything was going to play out. You did not know how to have the right conversations. Fuck, you were intimidated by testing. Oh, testing. I have to mention this. STT Hero, they're a wonderful, absolute great partner of the show. Fantastic people. This is your reminder that if you're on the quarterly schedule so january april july may june july your quarterly test is coming up you can go to stdhero.com use my promo code tol15 for 15 off your order they just launched the ultimate kit over at stdhero and yes it i it triggered in my brain because it's sitting here in my office i have all i have the test and it sitting here in my office like, oh, yeah, I need to talk about it. They're awesome people. They just launched the ultimate test, which is like 13 different STIs. And I know what you're thinking. Well, there's already people out there who test for 13 different STIs. Yes. And STD Hero is $100 cheaper than all the other competition for the 13 panel so please go check them out they are fantastic people this is your reminder your quarterly reminder that you are due the lifestyle is scary whenever you are getting into this first up there's a language barrier like we have our own words full swap soft swap parallel play all these different degrees of this is how we like to get down. All these different words. And if you start throwing all this stuff at a newbie without giving them context, without giving them a fucking definition, and they're furiously Googling on their phone in the middle of a conversation to figure out what the fuck you're talking about. We're fucking up here. Okay. Something else that we need to remember with new couples it's hard to talk about sex and again go back in your brain to when you started and remember how fucking hard it can be to have sex i i know when we started making the transition from sitting around playing cards to actually having sex, my god that was so hard way harder than it should have been and there's you know it's these nervous moments of like touching the other lady's leg or maybe we decide to make this card game into like strip poker and then we all take off our clothes and i can tell you from personal experience even if you have four adults sitting naked around a kitchen table drinking it does not does not necessarily lead to fuckery unless somebody says something and for a new couple saying something is hard it's god bless bless the two newbie couples who are just sitting there trying to figure this shit out because i was in their shoes i apologize if you can hear my cat screaming outside my office door right now it is the witching hour he is awake and he wants to come in here and cuddle with me and no i got shit to do dude the fun just picked all the image the mental image of this two newbie couples sitting at a kitchen table, naked, trying to figure out how to get the transition going. Oh my God, I've been in those shoes. I was in those shoes so many times. And looking back, I was like, holy fuck, all I had to do was say something. Just say something. There are couples now, one couple in particular, that I don't think we have to say anything.
Speaker1:
It just happens, which is magical and beautiful. But for a while there, while we were getting better with each other, we just had a code word, transition. And we would just yell out transition and made it so much easier. Just yell out a code word. Everybody knows what it means and you just get to the fucking. For newbies, the lifestyle is scary. The lifestyle, there is so much easier just just yell out a code word everybody knows what it means and you just get to the fucking for newbies the lifestyle is scary the lifestyle there is so much pressure on new couples or there could be and i i can see this i have seen it where new couples come in and the group dynamic because everyone knows each other in this group everyone is comfortable with each other. So fuck me, especially like chat groups and stuff. Fuck me. There might be a constant stream of nudes flying across, but everyone is comfortable. All of these veteran people are comfortable with the dynamic that, that forms in these groups. And I say chat groups, it can be be any kind of thing there is this subliminal peer pressure or a sense of obligation that forms when new couples come in and they look around and say oh this is the social dynamic i need to conform to this no you don't you do new people you do not have to conform to any group social dynamic at the fuck all you can sit back and wait you know figure out if you're comfortable with this figure out what's going on for veterans we assume wrongly that new couples when they join they are at the same level of comfort as we are my happy ass will get fucking I don't care anymore. A new couple doesn't have that. They don't have that confidence. They might get it. They'll probably develop it. But coming in, grace and patience, they don't have that. They're still hung up on a lot of the vanilla world's way of thinking. We need to understand that. We need to understand and not put pressure on new couples to do something they may not be ready or equipped to do. And take that for whatever you want. I'm just going to leave it there in the universe. How do we, for veterans, because I would be remiss unless I actually said something useful today, how do we become more welcoming? I need you to stop and you need to think about this and i've heard horror stories i've heard from people who went to like meetups and they're like well nobody talked to me no we're stopping that fucking shit we need to stop that i'm tired of going to events and stuff where we go there and i can watch because i'm a very perceptive son of a bitch you watch like the little clicks and the circles form and i'm a big i'm i've admonished people for this before when you've a circle of like six people and you're all looking inward talking no one can get in be aware of that you need to be. Maybe you're cool. Maybe you're like, you know what? We don't want any new people to join our little social circle. Fuck that. Fuck that. Jason will just bust up in there. I did that. I've done that. And we have to be better. We have to be cognizant. If you go to a meetup, wherever it may be, there may be new people there. I need you. I want you. You have to welcome the new people. there is this very pervasive thought in the lifestyle that i don't like and we need to get away from that if i'm talking to you i want to fuck you no that is not it and there are people who think that there are people who think that. There are people who operate that way. We need to stop it. If I'm talking to you, I am welcoming you into this space. I am introducing myself to you. It may not progress any bit further than that. We need to be okay with talking to people, especially newbies, without sizing them up and deciding if we want to fuck them. Our first step as veterans is to be good ambassadors of the lifestyle, not trying to get laid every five minutes. I implore the community. That's where we need to be going. That's what we need to do. We need to say hi. Something else that's really big is invite newbies to non-sexual activities. Like it's one thing if you're at a party and you're a brand new couple and people are like, oh, hey, we're going to go have this orgy and we're going to do butt stuff. That's one thing. Sitting, you know, and I've been there. I've been in those shoes where you're at a takeover and you're too polite and you don't want to say anything. You don't want to put yourself out there. So then you just end up eating pizza alone in your room. We need to invite newbies to non-sexual activities like lunch, like dinner, like doing social outings together. That is how they get a better perception of the lifestyle. The lifestyle community is so much more than sex.
Speaker2:
We need to be good ambassadors and help people understand that.
Speaker1:
Just like when you start a job and you're going through an orientation. Yeah, your work and your productivity may not directly cause me to earn money at my job. But we're a team. We're together in this. And I want to make sure that you are set up for success by showing you where the break room is, by showing you where the coffee is, by telling you about that one lady who never shuts the fuck up about her kids. I'm so happy I don't work in an office. I could never go back to working in an office because I hate Monday conversations. I cannot fucking stint when I did work in an office and it's Monday morning and you walk in and there's all these people and they want to know how was your weekend? Motherfucker, you know you don't give two shits about how my weekend was. You're just trapping me in a conversation so you can tell me all about your life. Grace and patience, Jason. Grace and patience. Anyway, for the newbies, there's a couple of things you need to do. If you are new to all this, and again, I apologize for my cat. He really wants to hang out with me. For the newbies, be brave. I'm going to give you a tip. Give it five minutes. This is the five minute rule. If there's a party, if there's a takeover, if there's something, give it five minutes. I know it's scary. I know that you feel like you don't know anyone in the room. I need you to just give it five minutes. Go into the space and stand there. Let the world spin around you. Feel the energy that's in the air. Feel the vibe. And yep, I'm going very, very woo-woo on this. But it works. Go in there and just give it five minutes. At some point, someone may or will make eye contact with you. That is your introduction. Remember, with humans, there are degrees of body language. There are degrees of feeling open to making contact with somebody. Eye contact is the first big one right there. Someone says eye contact, wave. Just give them a big old wave and a smile. That's going to show the other person that you are receptive to them coming over and saying hi understand and i have to get so much better at this and this is a promise to myself you're going to have to initiate when you're going to have to initiate contact you may have to initiate conversations you may have to be the person who says hey we're going to lunch you want to come with us it is scary to put yourself out there like that because the people could say no understand they may not be necessarily saying no because of you, they may already have plans, but you got to swing. You got to swing that bat. You got to be the person, and it takes a lot of bravery. For the veterans out there, we need to be better. We need to not let, there's something we can work on, and yes, I know when I cannot be responsible for the way that other people feel about things. Okay, fine. But understand, we need to be cognizant and aware of when new couples join the lifestyle, what is their experience? You know, if you're part of a community, if you're part of a chat group, if you're part of a community if you're part of a chat group if you're part of some something be aware of what could be happening to new people we have that responsibility as leaders in the community as as as whatever you want to call yourself whatever title you want to give yourself to make you be the warm and fucking fuzzies be aware that your group is a reflection of you of the leadership of whatever what is the experience that people are getting when they join and that's my admonishment for the morning um i've been rambling and ranting and i'm so happy that you hung out with me we going to keep fighting the universe. We're going to keep pushing along. I don't know when the breaking point is going to hit and it's going to be sunshine and rainbows. And probably after I get over my allergies, that's definitely going to help. So yeah, veterans, we, we need to be better. We need to be better with the way that we treat newbies. We need to make sure that we're including them in non-sexual activities. We need to be aware of the experience that they're going through. And we need to interact in a way that is not just trying to get us fucking laid. I always appreciate hearing your feedback and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me at host at thatotherlifestyle.com. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com. Personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way i'm a guy with a microphone very early in the morning before my voice is fully warmed up sharing my personal experiences with you this podcast is for entertainment purposes only and please join us for the. Remember, STI testing is important and takes a community to make a difference. Go to stdhero.com. Use my promo code TOL15 for 15% off your order. Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day. I'll see you next time.
