Join Jason as he takes a deep dive into the nuances of entering the swinger lifestyle, offering invaluable insights for newcomers. With audio from a live stream on SDC.com, Jason addresses common questions and concerns newbies might have, providing honest and candid advice that he wishes he had when starting out. From the importance of STI testing and consent to tackling jealousy and communication in relationships, this episode is packed with essential advice for anyone curious about or new to ethical non-monogamy. Whether you're interested in full swaps, soft swaps, or exploring this world in your unique way, Jason shares tips to help you navigate your journey confidently and safely. Don't miss this episode if you're ready to embrace and explore the vibrant and diverse culture of the swinger community.
My links:
www.thatotherlifestyle.com
https://benable.com/ThatOtherLifestyle
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Single Men's Guide to the Lifestyle Course
https://beacons.ai/thatotherlifestyle
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SDC.com
STDHero.com
Hellowisp.com
Transcript
hey to all you wonderful excellent people who tune in every week this is jason with out of the lifestyle i did something a little different this week i usually do live streams on sdc.com a couple of times a month this week i did a newbie q a session where i just went over a bunch of good stuff that I wish we had known when we started in a lifestyle. Did the whole session realize this is some really good shit right here. So I decided I'm just going to go ahead and throw it out for everybody for the general audience.
Now, while I was doing this session, there was a live chat going on and I was getting questions live. So if it seems a little disjointed, that's just because I was getting really good questions from the audience and I got completely distracted, which happens, you know, I appreciate you listening. Check it out. I think it was a really good session. If you want me to do more of these, if you ever want me to do a live stream just out there for the podcast world, y'all let me know. I appreciate you. Take a listen. Wanted to talk to everyone today. I want to do a newbie Q&A session.
I know there's a lot of newbies out there. I know there's a lot of newbies out there who have questions and they're looking for answers and looking for answers from a responsible person, someone who's actually going to give them the honest truth. And that's what I'm here for. And I also partner with STD Hero. That's stdhero.com. If you use my promo code TOL10, you'll get 10% off your order. Jumping right into it because I don't have a lot of time to waste and you're here for something exciting.
Today, I wanted to do a special episode of my live stream for newbies, people who are just now getting into the lifestyle. The reason this came about is on my last live stream, it's one of those things where someone asks you a question and you give them an answer and then you think about it later and you're like, shit, I should have told them something better than what I said. I want to make amends for that.
I want to take time today to talk about if i was a newbie in the lifestyle what are the things that i wish i'd known when we started yeah maybe we want to try out this ethical non monogamy thing whatever format you have decided to do it if you're full swap soft swap hot wifing um whatever you were deciding however you were deciding to interact with the lifestyle in your own personal way is utterly fucking fantastic and no one can tell you any different so i do have a list of things i'm going to talk about but again i encourage you if you want to feel free to drop comments and feel free to drop questions i got my eye on the chat window and i am very easily distractible by a good question you've made the jump you are here are here.
What I always say about my show, That Other Lifestyle, what makes it different than a lot of other lifestyle podcasts that are out there is a lot of other shows, they talk about getting couples ready. They have content that's centered towards informing couples about the lifestyle, helping you make the decision to make that jump. My show, I'm on the other side of the equation. I am here for the people who have already decided to make the jump, the ones who are just ready to get into the lifestyle.
That's where my show comes in, to help you navigate all the weirdness, all the nuances, all the culture that we have.
I do treat the lifestyle as its own special culture it's this own thing that we all participate in we've created our language and our culture and our norms and etiquette and stuff and when you're new to all this that is fucking wild like it's so hard to go online and find resources that tell you how to behave yourself at a house party or a hotel takeover and all this stuff like now i'm a very specific person like if i'm going to go to a sex club tell me where the fuck i have to park at i don't want to have to that that's that's what goes through my head i wanted to do this show i want to take the show to throw it out there to all the newbie couples out there no there's no such thing as a dumb question in the lifestyle i was talking to my last episode i was talking to this guy jay mohawk who's an author and we talked about how the lifestyle has an oral tradition very apropos choice of words right there oral tradition but that really is that really is what it is because so much of our etiquette isn't written down so much much of our etiquette and culture, you have to kind of catch on the fly and figure this stuff out as you're going.
I think that's kind of shitty. And I want to at least be here to help people figure out this stuff so you don't embarrass yourself. Certainly cut down on the amount of awkward situations that come up. I'm here. If you've got any questions, I'm going to go through the stuff that I planned, but totally open and welcome. Y'all ask questions. If you've decided to make the jump, what I want to encourage you, what I should have told that couple the other day when they asked me, what is the first thing that a new couple should do in the lifestyle?
The very first thing you should go do is get STI tested. Go get fucking tested. There's a prevailing thought that, oh, I've only been with my spouse from the past 20 years. Of course, I don't have anything. Great. Prove it. Go and get an SDI test. Testing is part of the social contract that we enter into in the lifestyle. The only way we all stay safe in this hobby is by everyone making a commitment to get tested regularly. And the sooner that you get tested and you get into that habit of being tested, the better. There is a prevailing thought that the new couples, newbies are clean.
I hate that word. That word is bullshit and I don't like to use it, but for our purposes right now, I guess I will. There are couples out there, they're newbie hunters, like they just go after new couples and they don't worry about protection. They don't worry about safety because all the new couples are clean, right? Complete and utter total bullshit. So if you're a new couple, if you're jumping into the lifestyle, if if you're a new couple, if you're jumping into the lifestyle, if you're a single person hanging out with me or a single dude or a single woman, go get tested.
And I recommend STD Hero. That's who I partner with. But look, I just want you to get tested. I want you to go get set. I want you to be safe. I want you to know that you are safe. First thing, go and get STI tested. Even if you think you don't need it, it's still good to have it because that establishes a baseline. And I can say, okay, as of March, March, I know that our test results were all negative. If something comes up a couple of months down the road, you know, at least at this point in time, you were all clear. So something happened between now and then, then and now.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. That's the very first thing I'm going to tell newbies about is go get STI testing. The second thing that newbies need to know in the lifestyle is consent is king. You should always have consent before you touch another person. And I know what you're thinking, but Jason, what if they just want to give me a hug? Fair enough. But you know what the fuck I'm talking about? You're not going to grab a woman's titty.
You don't grab a man's dick without consent, without some kind of prior established consent between a couple of people consent is king in the lifestyle and uh talking to jay again the episode we did last week he has these three pillars of the lifestyle that i find perfect perfect for what we do number one is consent is king always ask before you touch and remember a no is a no. Full stop. The big difference between, I'll talk about the other two pillars in a minute. The big difference between vanilla dating and dating in the lifestyle.
In a vanilla environment situation, there are people who will not take no for an answer. You know what I'm talking about. There are guys and women who you tell them you're not interested and they want to know why. They want to know your objections so they can overcome them, so they can do da-da-da-da. Fuck that. In the lifestyle, if a person tells you I am not interested, that is done. You do not pursue. You stop. Stop all engagement. A no is a no.
And consent can be revoked at any fucking time, even in the middle of sex, even if you have your dick inside a vagina and the woman says, you know what? I'm not feeling it. That's it. You're done. Stop everything. This hobby only works if we all respect the rules of consent. And something, I mean, consent can be revoked at any time, which means consent can be revoked after the fact. What I caution newbies about is as you're getting into the lifestyle, something that happens a lot is you need a little courage. You need a little liquid courage.
So you have a drink and then you have two and then you have three and then you end up on five tequilas and you're doing some dumb shit that you're going to regret. For newbies out there, do not mix alcohol and sex when you're starting out.
I know it's a hard thing to deal with and it's like oh my god but i need it no you fucking don't let your personality carry you through the encounter you do not need liquid courage at this point all of the stuff that you're experiencing is super new it is raw and it is honest if you're inebriated you cannot consent properly i have a firm rule you do not fuck around with any couple, with a woman, man, whatever, who is inebriated. If you're past the point that you don't understand what's going on, you cannot consent properly.
And as part of the covenant that I have with a lifestyle, I have to respect consent. And I need to have clear and enthusiastic consent from anybody we engage with. And if you're drunk, you can't give that consent. And I need to have clear and enthusiastic consent from anybody we engage with. And if you're drunk, you can't give that consent. That's firmly what I believe. Some people want to argue with me. I think it's a shitty thing to argue because if someone's fucked up, they cannot properly agree to what is about to happen.
As you get further into the lifestyle, you're going to learn some nuances to all this, but I just want to lay down a couple of hard, fast guidelines for you right now for the new couples that are out with a couple. Another reason I talk about don't be inebriated is because all this stuff is so new with a new couple, assuming a man and a woman, the stuff you're about to experience is fucking wild. The act of being with another couple. You may stumble into your first orgy. You may do some wild shit that you never even thought was possible in your 20s.
All of this stuff, all these things that are happening to you, they're not bad. You need to understand them. You need to understand them through the lens of your marriage, which means communication. I've heard it from so many couples that we interact with that joining the lifestyle has made their intermarriage communication so much better. For me and my wife, before we started out, we were together 20 years.
And as we've been in a lifestyle and we've grown and we have evolved, something we come back to a lot is we now have words and vocabulary to describe the experiences that we enjoy and we don't enjoy, which is a really wild thing because you think after 20 years, we know all the words. You don't. And Until you're in a situation where you know all the words. You don't. And until you're in a situation where you're being forced or you're in that, trying to figure out how do I feel about this? Something that is not talked about enough to newbies. Y'all got emotions. You got feelings.
I have feelings. We all have feelings. Something that is not talked to you enough about to newbies is dealing with those emotions that are going to come up. Just to lay this out there, it is perfectly normal and natural to feel jealous in some capacity. You could be jealous of the way a man is flirting with your wife. You could be jealous of the blowjob that a woman is giving your husband. Jealousy is okay. The way you deal with it, that is the important thing. Understanding that someone is not intentionally trying to make you jealous. This is a new emotion.
This is a new sensation and experience you've never experienced before. You don't have the frame of reference on this. You have to stop and analyze your own emotions and be able to communicate that out to your spouse. And remember, you don't want to say, you did this. There's no accusatory here. You have to flip the discussion to, I felt this way when this happened. Coming at it from that approach of, this is how I feel, I, you know, see, using that pronoun, I feel when this happened, this is what feeling it caused in me.
Having an honest, frank discussion with your spouse is really fucking hard when you're starting out because, again, you don't know the words and the vocabulary and you think there's a shame and you think that your feelings are wrong and they are not. They are perfectly valid. They're perfectly valid. And I want you to take away from that. Take away from that.
Consensus king go get sdi tested your feelings are valid yes the lifestyle is fucking wild i have done some things that would put porno movies to shame but you control your emotions and you understand your emotions and you communicate them because as jealousy comes up as anger as whatever the the emotion is, it could be joy. We have a word, a compersion. I'm going to come back to that if I remember it. Your emotions are valid, but don't hold on to them. You need to be able to share them with your spouse and say, I enjoyed this. It's not always negative either.
You can say, look, whenever you were doing this with that guy, I fucking love that. That opened up a whole other door in my brain of sexual potential. Sharing the positives, sharing the negatives. Compersion. Compersion has been called the opposite of jealousy. I think it's more of a yin-yang thing. So for new couples, here's something else that's new for you a brand new word brand new emotion c-o-m-p-e-r-s-i-o-n compersion i did a couple of episodes on it compersion is the feeling that you have whenever you feel joy at someone else's joy that you were not directly the cause of.
And it doesn't have to be sexual. It can be whatever. It could be your wife got a big promotion at work. Well, fuck, you had nothing to do with that. It was all of her hard work and she got promoted, but you're happy for her. That feeling is called compersion, taking it to the sexual side, watching your wife have sex with another person and just have a hell of an orgasm. She is experiencing joy in that moment, which then makes you feel happy. I hear from a lot of people, they try to describe, we don't have a word for it. There's not really a good word for this out there in the vanilla world.
In the lifestyle, we have this word compersion. It makes me happy to see my wife happy and vice versa. That is a perfectly normal and okay thing. Like our brains would not be wired to feel this if we weren't meant to feel it. That's my attitude towards it. This is a brand new emotion, brand new concept, compersion. Scarl and well-met listener, Jason summons you to his aid. The ASN Magazine Awards nominations are now open.
If you enjoy that other lifestyle, then nominate this amazing show for Best Entertainment podcast of the year you can vote once per day let us show our support for the best lifestyle podcast out there go to asn lifestyle magazine awards.com or check the show notes and vote now. Are you ready to party in paradise? Risqué Lifestyle Parties presents Pulsify 2025 at the Island Resort on the sparkling waters of the Gulf Coast in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. September 26th through the 28th, 2025.
Come for the two-day party that will take hotel takeovers to the next level in one place, with many stories and endless fun for you and your sexiest friends. Spend the day relaxing by the pool with swim-up bars, evenings on the white sand beach, and your nights with the hottest lifestyle DJs all in one place. Rooms now available. Go to riskaylifestyleparties.com for more information. Another piece that goes into communication for new couples. Something that I wish people had told us when we started. Rules and boundaries. Give you the classic example.
If there's any experienced couples in here, you'll know what the fuck I'm talking about. The no kissing rule. There are so many new couples who come into the lifestyle who have a no kissing rule. It's kind of a cliche at this point. I will respect it. If a couple says we have a no kissing rule, totally fine. I will respect it. You do realize my dick is going in her mouth, right? Like you're telling me I can't kiss her, but my pecker is going to go there instead. Whenever you come into the lifestyle, whenever you join the lifestyle, you're going to have rules and boundaries.
It takes a little while to figure out what works for you, what doesn't work for you. It takes a little bit to figure out what works and what doesn't work, that's okay. That is totally fine. If you have a boundary, other people need to respect it. It is totally fine to come into this and think, no, we're just gonna do girl on girl and or just we're gonna do full swap or you jump face first and you just land in full swap. There's no right or wrong answer on what your personal rules and boundaries are. I will tell you that your rules and boundaries and your taste preferences are going to change.
So you may come into this thinking, we just want to do girl on girl. The next couple, you end up doing full swap because you're comfortable and you want to try that.
Or you try full swap and decide, I really am not comfortable with seeing my wife in this position maybe we just want to stick to parallel play there's no right or wrong answer for you as a person for you as a couple there's no right or wrong way to experience a lifestyle i do know couples who will who are in the lifestyle people i consider in the lifestyle because they line up with the three important values that i need to go back to they're no swap for all intents and purposes they don't swap with Anybody? Thank you. Bye-. They might do some parallel play or something.
They might just like getting naked around other people. That's okay, too. Everything is welcome. It isn't so much as you have to qualify or you have to live up to someone else's idea of what it means to be in the lifestyle as long as you're respectful of consent the other part is sex positive so you know you're not shaming anyone whatever people want to do is fine y'all go enjoy yourselves it may not be my jam but i'm not going to judge anybody for it and the other other one is body positivity.
And looking at those three in concert, someone who abides by those values, who embodies those values, more than happy. You're in the lifestyle. Congratulations. Let's go party. That's it. And there's a lot of couples out there who may disagree with me, but I feel those are the three core tenets of the lifestyle, being sex positive, body positive, and respecting consent. Those three things, man, that's all you need to be in the lifestyle. You don't have to prove your lifestyle-ness, lifestyle-itude to anybody. And no one should force you to try to prove those things or live up to their ideals.
We talked about communications. We Thank you. stilitude to anybody. And no one should force you to try to prove those things or live up to their ideals. We talked about communications. We also talked, something else that's important for new couples is debriefing. There is so much that goes on in a sexual encounter. You need to talk to your spouse. And I recommend talking to them immediately after. Don't go too deep on this conversation.
All it needs is like a check-in like hey you good you're okay you're okay with you know what happened check in the next day after you've slept on it everybody's showered relaxed had some sleep talk about it the next day talk through what you liked about the encounter what you didn't like about the encounter what you would differently. Talk about the different sensations you had, the different things that happened. Go into detail. Debrief with your spouse. This is vitally important because it reinforces the communication. It reinforces that you are doing this together.
Both of your opinions are valid on whatever may have happened. That is super important. And then if you want to debrief like a week later, wait till, you know, it's a quiet night on like a Friday night and y'all are just chilling, watching TV and just talk about what happened again. A little more time, a little more perspective on it.
But doing those three debriefs can really help you unlock the parts of the lifestyle that you really enjoy the different sexual sides of the lifestyle that you may enjoy the things you may not enjoy that's something else that i wish people had told us when we started the value of a debrief knowing what you are knowing what you want this is a tricky one because this is kind of where you figure out like what is our play style and there's a couple of different ones there's lots of different options and just to preface this you can be no swap in the lifestyle some people will argue with me and i say fuck you fight me in the driveway you can be no swap and still be in the lifestyle figuring out what is your play dynamic and i kind of touched on this but again there's right or wrong answer.
You can be just girl on girl. You can be soft swap. You can be full swap. You can be parallel play. You can do single guys. You can do unicorns. Whatever you want is totally fucking fine. Understanding that whatever you choose may limit you in the different types of fun that you have, the different doors that are open to you, the different people that you interact with. So trying to figure that out, that's a fair question. Figuring out what you're comfortable with.
But the thing I want to tell the newbies is no one should ever try to negotiate or push on your boundaries or try to make you change styles, especially while everyone is standing there fucking naked in a hotel room and you got a hard dick and they're like, oh no, we want to do full swap. And you could have sworn like an hour ago, you said, we just want to do soft swap tonight. No, fuck that noise. Okay. Whatever style you pick, no right or wrong answer. People need to respect it. No one should be pushing on you to shift from soft swap to full swap.
Now, if you want to go from full swap to soft swap, fucking great. I don't mind soft swap at all. That's having sex with my wife with extra steps. I'm good with that. People need to respect your boundaries and respect the type of swapping, the type of interaction you want to do. And on top of that, condoms. Deciding to use condoms or not to use condoms. That is a conversation that can happen, but no one should ever go to an encounter thinking, oh, fuck it, we're just going to go raw dog. No, you need to talk about that.
You need to talk about your testing protocol and your safety protocols and how you're going to approach all this stuff. That is a very mature, important conversation. Etiquette. Touching on the etiquette. I mentioned that we have an oral tradition in the lifestyle. I'm just giving you the quick, fast, in a hurry, down and dirty answer to everything. Etiquette. Don't touch without permission. Simple. Don't gravitate. And I've seen this at parties. I've seen it at bars and stuff.
One guy gets a little handsy or there's this attitude of, well, your husband kissed my wife, ergo, I get to kiss your wife. It's not the way it works, dude. Every time you touch somebody, every interaction needs to have permission. And anything past a hug and a handshake, you need permission. Do not assume that they want to be kissed. Do not assume they want you to grab their dick. Do not assume they want you to grab their ass. Ask first. And look for dudes out there. This is a pro tip.
Women really fucking like it when you ask, when you really, really, when you ask them for permission before you do something, women love that. Cause in the vanilla world, people don't do that. Over here in the lifestyle, we're better. We hold ourselves to a higher standard. Women really, really dig that. Be gracious, not aggressive. Accept and know gracefully. Look, you're going to get no's. That's a given. You're going to reach out to couples on SDC or wherever, and they're going to tell you no. And you know what you say? You say, thank you for your time. I appreciate it. Have a nice life.
That's it. Someone's comment, it doesn't feel right when only the man plays in a club and you can't even point to the girl, but you have to respect it. True man. Whatever dynamic they have going on, it isn't my place to analyze or break apart or figure out. And yeah, you're right. There are situations where some dudes have this attitude of, I can do whatever the fuck I want. My wife has to stand in the corner and be untouchable. I get it. It happens. It isn't very fair. I don't think it's right. But I have to respect their marriage. I have to respect their dynamic in this.
It's not my place to be Mr. Therapy and help them figure out what the fuck's going on. Another thing you're going to run into is the one penis policy. There are a lot of dudes out there who are just completely fucking uncomfortable with the idea of having another dick in the room. To the newbies out there, I want to warn you about something else that happens. Wife peeling. I don't think there's a better term for this. And if there is, somebody tell me. It's where you're at a club and the husband goes to the bathroom or the husband steps away from his wife, leaving her there.
And immediately some couple is going to come just swooping out of the rafters like evil little vampires drop down beside the wife and try to get the wife to go upstairs or go to the sex room without the husband poaching. Fuck me. Why can't I think of better words? Poaching, wife poaching. This is the thing. That's why for you newbies out there, I know you're going to go to clubs. I know you're going to go to takeovers. You're going to go to hotels and all this stuff.
Be of this behavior it fucking happens i have seen it in action i have had to save my friends from it they're just couples they want to prey on newbies they want to just go after the female in the equation versus you know having the man involved like it fucking happens be smart be safe travel in packs if i'm in a situation where not in time you know, most venues we go i feel okay i feel okay leaving my wife but i'm always gonna leave my wife with somebody like hey you two watch my wife i'll be right back every fucking time i do that and it's not that i feel unsafe for her in the venue that you know some random person is going to come and attack her or whatever.
That's not it. It's more so about wife poaching and just being a little protective of my spouse. Women, the same exact thing. Be protective of your spouse. In the lifestyle, something you got to wrap your head around is your spouse is your best wing person ever. Your spouse is there and is trying and is doing everything they can to help you get laid. How fucking cool is that? That we can Thank you. Ever. Your spouse is there and is trying and is doing everything they can to help you get laid. How fucking cool is that?
That we can dress up, we can go to parties, we can have a great time, and your spouse is talking you up like you're the greatest human being ever. That is fucking wonderful. The flip side of this is, for newbies, look, I have a rule. If I am interacting with a couple and we'll say the husband, the husband starts bashing his wife or insults his wife when she's not around or does it to her face, fuck that couple. Fuck that dude. Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck this couple. Do not tolerate that behavior in other people. In the lifestyle, our spouses are the greatest, most precious, wonderful thing.
They're the thing that completes our soul. So to me, my wife is the most amazing person ever. I'm going to be proud of her. I'm going to love her. I'm going to be happy with her. I'm not going to stand there and insult her for fun or just, I have no fucking clue why people do this. And now I'm rambling. People do this. Avoid people like that. If a dude wants to start insulting his wife or the wife starts emasculating the husband, you should probably get the fuck out of there. Those are probably not people you need to hang out with. How do you handle the STDs out there?
Let's go back to STDds with the lifestyle our hobby our our what the thing we do is inherently risky the risk is never zero but to also say that when you drive a car the risk is never zero you can obey all the rules of the road you can put on your seat belt you can have the out there. It does not fucking stop an 18-wheeler from just crashing into you, no matter how good of a driver you are. Now, we all rules of the road. We all obey the rules of the road. We've all agreed that this is how we're going to behave behind the wheel of a vehicle. With a lifestyle, similar attitude.
We all need to come to a consensus and it takes a community to make a difference in this that we are all going to engage in regular testing that we're all going to get tested every three months we're all going to get full panels do not be ashamed do not be hesitant do not think it awkward to ask other people for their test results just flat the fuck out doesn't have to be complicated it doesn't have to be well testing is very important to us And I'll see you flat the fuck out. Doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be, well, testing is very important to us and da. Fuck that.
You can just be like, hey, I'll test it. Let's see. Let's see the results. That's it. What I tell newbies is testing is normal. Testing is a normal part of what we do. Do not be hesitant to ask for test results. You have to make a determination is, are these test results sufficient for the activity I'm about to engage in? You and your spouse have to determine what that level is, be it based on time, based on what was tested. That's up to you. That's however y'all want to figure that out.
But STI testing isally important okay how do you deal with being drinking being nervous performing like a champ you know alcohol and nerves to gather affects a man's boner okay whiskey dick is real um i was on a cruise we were on a lifestyle cruise last year randomly talking to the dude at like 1 a.m on one of the decks and somehow i got on whiskey dick he had no fucking clue that was a thing dudes this is this is it happens you drink too much your dick will not work simple that's just how it goes you drink too much alcohol your dick's not going to work and i mentioned this earlier that when someone is too inebriated i'm going to call everything off because in my mind they cannot consent properly to what's going on so no that's it i will say for new couples most couples out there that do not mix alcohol and fucking just don't don't mix drugs and fucking unless you are supremely comfortable with the people that you were with everybody's consented you've had these all had the important conversations about all that stuff do not go into a date drunk do not go into a date thinking i need to have five drinks to feel comfortable no okay viagra so do not mix viagra and alcohol they have like a warning on there don't do that shit, okayagra is your friend viagra is not bad i have met dudes in the lifestyle who think they're too damn manly for viagra and those are the motherfuckers whose dicks don't work viagra is your friend and it's not about needing viagra to get in the game it helps you stay in the game because there's so many dudes out there coming from the vanilla world they fuck for two minutes they pop and then they're done for the night like fuck that man you might pop in two minutes that first time but if you got viagra in it you're gonna get hard again in about 10 minutes and you're gonna be able to fuck like a stallion all night that's important and that's what you're here for like it isn't remember that that you're here for the sex man nothing ladies men and women you're here for the the lifestyle is about the sex not about i want to go get drunk you can go get drunk with your friends any other fucking night this other couple have devoted time and effort and money like a babysitter and stuff to hang out with you that what we do is about the sex.
And granted, granted doesn't always have to end in sex don't take it that way but in general like that's what we do like we enjoy fucking and not i i i can drink at home by myself listening to country music god that's so depressing remember it's about the fucking keep your focus where it needs to be if you were too damn nervous if your nerves are so bad and you just have to have alcohol don't drink you need to take a step back and figure out your fucking anxieties and figure out your nerves before you even jump in there and try to have fun with that is it okay to expect a man to wear a condom when giving oral?
I heard that many STDs can be spread through oral alone. Well, yes, they can. Wearing a condom during oral, if that is something that you require of the men that you want to give a blowjob to, you're perfectly within your right to ask and say, hey, will you please wear a condom? They are perfectly within their right to say, no, I don't want to wear a condom. At that point, you can then say, I'm not doing this then. You can't budge on safety. If your line for performing a blowjob is you need to wear a condom, then the receiving person should wear a condom.
It's kind of up there like dental dams. I have one somewhere. looks like a sheet of cellophane it's one of those things that we should all be using and nobody does there is this pervasive idea that girl on girl is perfectly safe it's not and to alert to your question um yes there are some stis that can present orally um gonorrhea ch chlamydia, HPV, that can be in your throat. STD Hero does offer the oral gonorrhea, HPV, and chlamydia test. I think it's chlamydia. There are tests out there to check. I don't know the symptoms. I am not a doctor.
I couldn't tell you if something's off orally like how those present i can tell you for everything downstairs if your dick is pissed off if your dick is red if your dick isn't normal or if your dick is leaking you should go to a doctor ladies if your vagina is angry and red and itchy you should go to a doctor like never have that that thought of wait and see. Don't do that. If something is not normal, you know what your dick looked like last Friday and apparently today it doesn't look like it did. Go to a doctor. Go get tested.
Next, how should you react when an experienced lifestyle couple gets offended when you say no? Well, in the lifestyle, you have full control over your body autonomy. What that means is no one can touch you without your permission. Tell them to fuck off. That's right. I'm saying this in a nice way, but I like to comment, tell them to fuck off. You have full control over your body autonomy. You do not have sex with people you do not want to have sex with and or not attracted to. Once you say no, it's done.
Now, if the other couple wants to get pissy, they want to give you an attitude, you know what that tells you is you dodged a bullet. If someone gives you this big dramatic speech or rotation or whatever, whenever you say no, the correct answer when you get a no is, okay, thanks. Bye. That's it. That's the correct answer. The incorrect answer is all that other shit and hysterics that people may give you. Them doing that is proof that you made the right decision. That's the way you look at that one. And you can tell them to fuck right off.
And if freak the fuck out you know what no we're done that's you made the right decision right there yeah you're perfectly allowed to say no you have body autonomy and people need to respect this in the lifestyle this is not the vanilla world where people may go into an encounters thinking that their sex are trying to obligate you into having sex. That's not it. You need to go into a sexual encounter presenting enthusiastic consent. Yes, I want to do this. Anything less than that, you have to take a step back.
If there's any hesitation on your part, like I'm not really feeling it, I'm not feeling it today, I'm not feeling these people. Any hesitation on your part is justification to stop. You know, it may not be a no, a forever no, like, no, we're never doing anything. You can say, I don't feel like doing this today. We can revisit it another day. A poem about STD. Hero.com, you're out on the scene, feeling so free. Meeting new friends, living carefree. But before the fun, here's the deal. Get tested first. Keep it real. It's quick. It's easy. No need to stress. No long waits. No awkward mess.
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Head over to Benable.com slash that other lifestyle now and explore the list. Because in this world, the right gear makes all the difference. If people could test and provide a certificate, how do we know it's legitimate? And what if they test it, okay, three days before, but I've been playing unsafely in the meantime? You fucking don't. I'm sorry, that wasn't a nice answer. I apologize. For you and your spouse, you have to make this determination. You can't put, I see what you're saying. I'm going to address it.
You have to make this determination of when someone shows us our test results, let's say they were done three months ago. Is that good enough? Or is it within two weeks is good enough? Then you got to have that conversation of, okay, not what have you been, not who have you been doing, but what have you been doing?
And that being active in the lifestyle is not a bad thing at the fuck all you can have sex with every with a different couple every single night if you want to as long as you're doing it safely and responsibly but you have to have that comfort you have to stop and like what else are you doing have this honest conversation this is tricky because you're assuming honesty on their part because you need to be honest on your part. And yeah, with the test, there are some things, some of the STIs that don't test well or don't present themselves until like two weeks later.
You got to be honest about it. You got to decide, are these test results showing us good enough? Are they sufficient? I shouldn't say good enough. Are they sufficient for us to feel comfortable engaging in this behavior? Now you could turn around and say, Hey, no, I want you to go get a new test right now. And we'll meet back in a week. You could do that. That's going to be pricing. And some people may say no, but again, it's your, your body, your body autonomy. It's you making a decision on what do you want to do and what is sufficient for you. Let's see.
Not every couple is in the same degree of the lifestyle. Yep. Some are hardcore. Fuck like rabbits and other couples are interferences to benefits. No one says the rules. Mentioned that earlier. There is no right or wrong way to do the lifestyle. Me and my wife, we lean more towards friends with benefits. There are couples who are all about those one-night stands. There is no right or wrong answer here. However you do the lifestyle is fine as long as you're honest and upfront about it. If you were the kind of couple who just wants one-night stands, cool, say that.
You are okay in saying that and you're going to find other couples who who want the same thing if you're looking for long-term friendships that's okay too say it we are conditioned so much by the vanilla world to not say what the fuck we want honestly and openly in the lifestyle you can say it honestly and openly you're perfectly okay in expressing yourself how do that hard question, especially right before a play session club setting with a new couple, as well as a private setting? Assuming you're meant about the testing and all that. The sooner you ask about testing, the better.
Like no one should, the worst time to ask about testing is when you're all four naked in a hotel room and two dudes have hard dicks and the women are like on the bed and they're like, yeah, let's do it. And then you're like, oh, fuck me. I forgot to ask about testing. Just make it part of your process. Make it part of your vetting process with new couples that you're interacting with. And for newbies out there, you don't know the vetting process. You need to figure out what are we looking for in other couples? What are the qualities that we're attracted to? And you have to vet them.
And vetting includes, you know, making sure they're not fucking crazy. Making sure that their play style aligns with yours. Their testing frequency aligns with what you're looking for. Their communication style. That's another one right there. Some people like to chat a lot, text and all that stuff. Some people don't. Some people just want to get to a date. Some people are always super busy. Some people aren't. All these different variables here.
But the more that you go on dates, the more that you experience it, the better you're going to be at vetting and finding those couples that fit what you're looking for. Be it a one night stand or friendship with benefits kind of situation. Yeah. The best answer is as soon as possible. Now, if you're running to a sex room with a random woman and you're not entirely sure what her name is, you're pretty sure it starts with a T, but you're not entirely sure. You know what? You should probably stop. I'll be the ones to tell you, you should probably stop what you're doing.
Look, horny brain for men and women. It short circuits the human brain. The lizard brain takes over. We are horny. We are not rational creatures.
The more rational conversations you can have ahead of time and establish all the things that you need to, the less you have to think about when you're horny so true agree that everyone's during the lifestyle is different in which more people understood everyone has different dynamics that's right and whatever style you have works fucking great for you as long as you are happy comfortable with it your spouse is great with it y'all fucking rock on no one should tell you or you shouldn't tell anyone else that your particular style of doing it is wrong. No, it may not be my particular thing.
That's fucking okay. I'm still going to be the one to cheer you on because you have figured out what you enjoy. Fucking rock on with your bad self. On my website, thatotherlifestyle.com, I have two courses that I made.
One of them is The Men's guide to flirting in the lifestyle it's 29.99 the reason i made it is there's so many guys who get into this after being married for 20 25 years having a fucking clue how to flirt with a woman again this course teaches you how to flirt start to finish how to flirt respectfully how to be successful at it how to handle digital flirting because that's a whole fucking thing i had to learn that course is out there the other course i have is the single men's guide to the lifestyle this is just for single dudes it teaches you how to join the lifestyle how to navigate the lifestyle how to be successful how to deal with couples how to meet couples yeah so the single men's course is out there.
It's 45 bucks. It's like 20 videos, nine hours of content. I take you from start to fucking finish. Dealing with a lifestyle, trying to help you get laid. Flirting. Let's talk about flirting for newbies.
I'm willing to bet the only woman, only man you have flirted with in the past 15, 10, 15, 20 years has been your spouse spouse you know what makes your spouse laugh you know how to talk to them getting back into flirting is fucking wild i want to caution couples on flirting you have to understand the different how am i trying to say this flirting can open the door to some really intense jealousy just putting it out there putting it out there honestly because these especially the with digital communications and stuff that people can have side conversations okay let me let me try to put my thoughts together i'm a fan of four-way chats as in two people and two people talk together these chats might be via some messaging app um something like that but this way everybody sees all the messages that are being shared i'm a fan of that i'm an advocate for four way chats versus husband A talks to wife B.
Well, husband B talks to wife A separately. Not a fan of that. The reason is it's so much easier to say some really emotional things. It's a lot easier to catch the feels.
It's a lot easier to just say things without a governing audience in place i'm totally i'm a big fan of the four-way chat for newbies i recommend you stick to four-way chats four-way communications until you've been in this a while and you can manage your feelings like i mean it's one thing just to text somebody like hey what are you doing friday night okay cool it's another one to be like oh my god i love the way that you did this like you just said love you just said love to somebody you're not married to and even if you're just describing a sex act like you said love like that's not cool so yeah flirting and you have to be comfortable with people flirting with your spouse understand Understand it's going to fucking happen.
It's kind of the point of what we do. It's really fun to flirt, right? Someone's going to flirt with your spouse. I need you to check yourself to go into your own head and ask, you know, am I okay with this? Am I okay seeing my spouse as an object of sexual desire by a member of the opposite sex? Are you fucking okay with that? I'm getting questions. If you have a safe word for when you're uncomfortable during a threesome where a couple is having sex with a new man, does the guy need to know the safe word as well so he stops that he is doing it? Or is it awkward? No.
okay the concept of a safe word comes from bdsm bdsm has some amazing things they teach lifestyle community a safe word comes from BDSM. BDSM has some amazing things they can teach in the lifestyle community. A safe word means that when I say the word mustard, that's my word, mustard. Find your own word. It's usually best to keep it in like one or two syllables. Nobody wants to sit here and have to yell out moose, knuckle, flag. Yeah, no, keep it simple.
simple one word everybody who is together in a session have two ideas about safe words safe words are good safe words are good in that you have a single code phrase that when you yell that code phrase out everything stops in order for everything to stop everyone has to know the code phrase so if it's like a couple and a dude and the couple's you know code phrase is mustard well the wife is having a good time you know or the wife is not having a good time and she yells out mustard well wife and husband know what that mean this single dude he's just gonna keep on fucking he's just like does she want a sandwich or something everybody in the room needs to know a safe word generally with the kind of things that we engage in a safe word is more so for what you're doing to my physical body i am not comfortable with please stop now not even a please just stop now safe word denotes a physical sensation I don't like.
It doesn't have to. There are different definitions, but I want to juxtapose it with the idea that if two couples are having sex and the wife says, I want to stop, you don't need a safe word to stop. See what I'm saying? If one person wants to stop, everything fucking stops. There's no discussion. There's no nothing. Like the other couple doesn't keep fucking. Like everything just stops. So yeah, a safe word is great in theory, but we should be at the mindset is not necessary unless you're engaging in some behaviors like BDSM, something like that. Yes, have a safe word.
But for general, just straight on vanilla fucking is a safe word really necessary in versus just saying, I want to stop. Because when a spouse, when a person says, I want to stop, their spouse has to respect them enough and understand that they're expressing a desire to stop everything. We have to stop everything. I've just stopped Thank you.
i want to stop their spouse has to respect them enough and understand that they're expressing a desire to stop everything we have to stop everything i've just stopped what the fuck i'm doing this other couple y'all two can start fucking each other i don't care what y'all fucking do it's me and my wife together we are a unit part of my unit says we stop we stop being possessive and jealous that is a hard one i used to know know a really good distinction between those two of those. Possessive is saying that my spouse is mine in the sense that we are together. She is the other half of me.
I don't possess her though. See, I don't, I don't like the word possessive and jealous on its own is an emotional reaction to a stimulus. So I really, now that I think about it from a lifestyle perspective, I really don't think that they're diametrically opposed. There are two different things that are not connected. I can see in the vanilla world that, yeah, people make that argument that they, and I'm sure at some point in my life, I've made that argument, I'm possessive versus jealous, but actually no. In the lifestyle, I'm not possessive of my wife. I'm protective.
Thank you for clarification. I'm protective thank you for clarification i'm protective of my wife i'm protective of my wife in the sense that she is the other half of my soul i'm as protective of her as i am of myself maybe even more so i am always going to put her first and foremost in everything that i do be it vanilla world, lifestyle, sex, whatever. She is uno, she is number one. Jealousy, on the other hand, jealousy is an emotion.
Jealousy is an emotional reaction to a stimulation, a stimulus that makes your brain think you are under threat, that something you have is under threat, be it a person, be it an item you have, something like that. Jealousy is not a bad thing either. In the vanilla world, people think jealousy is bad, as in their reaction to jealousy is really bad. In the lifestyle, jealousy is an emotion that helps you check yourself, not necessarily external stimuli. It's something inside. It's looking at a situation and saying, I'm feeling threatened by this.
I'm feeling jealous that my wife is interacting with this man. I'm jealous. Why? when you feel jealous, you have to take a step back. You have to stop and analyze what you're feeling and say, okay, when this happened, I felt this emotion. Why? And like someone says, yeah, jealousy needs to stay home in the sense that the anger that jealousy can provoke, the very negative emotions that jealousy can provoke that you are then going to put out into the world in whatever format they may be, that needs to stay the fuck home.
But jealousy can be a useful tool for us and the lifestyle to understand our emotions better. And yeah, you may be jealous and upset that your wife is flirting with another guy. Why? Why are you having that reaction? What is it about that situation that is bothering you so much? The other key for jealousy to be healthy in some sense is to share it with your spouse, not share the jealousy. You have to be able to tell your spouse openly and honestly, and this takes a lot of vulnerability. You have to be able to say, look, I felt jealous. I felt hurt.
I felt threatened whenever this happened and describe the situation as you saw it. This is about your own perspective. This is about what you saw happen. Your spouse, I guarantee you, does not see it that way. They had a whole different perspective on what happened. And nine times out of 10, it was not an intentional thing. That's something that people get hung up on jealousy and think, oh, fuck me. They did that on purpose. They probably didn't because they didn't know.
They didn't know that they were crossing a line or crossing a boundary because you didn't fucking know that you had a rule or boundary there. Circling all the way back out to newbies, discussing your rules and boundaries is great. Putting those in place is great, but they're going to evolve. They're going to be informed and they're going to evolve based on you feeling fucking jealous sometimes. Not completely all the time. Sometimes you might experience something fucking fantastic. Like, you know what? Changing the rules. We're doing this. We're doing this all the fucking time.
Your jealousy is a good tool to help you and your spouse evolve your boundaries. And there may be a situation where something happened and it made you really upset, it hurt. And you share that with your spouse and you talk about it and decide, look, this really hurt me. I don't know how to proceed with this. We'll just agree not to put ourselves in this situation again. That is completely fair because you decide how you experience the lifestyle. You decide how you're going to do all this stuff.
You decide your own rules and boundaries and nobody has the right or the ability to push on your boundaries or to shake them or try to negotiate them. Whatever you set, those are your rules and boundaries. And if a couple wants to interact with you, they have to agree to abide by your rules and boundaries. While you're at it, why don't you go nominate me for podcast of the year? The ASN magazine nominations are open. I want that fucking trophy. What do you tell the girl you were swapping with that her pussy smells like a fish?
She has bacterial vagininosis that's it that's yeah um it's a thing it's a it's technically an sti now um yeah that i'm not gonna laugh i mean we all have natural odors they're perfectly normal guess what you're going to experience a lot of them in the lifestyle um yes bacterial yes, bacterial vaginosis is now considered an STI. Um, it was just reclassified a few weeks ago. Bacterial vaginosis is transmissible between women. It's caused by a bacterial imbalance in the vagina. It's a particular strain of bacteria.
Highly, highly fucking contagious um yeah if one woman has it i promise you all other all the other women in the orgy are going to have it next week it is treatable and it's actually a really tragic sti um due to the deficiencies in the sexual education system in the united states and i'm sure other countries women don't know about it know about it. We're taught the big ones like HIV, herpes, syphilis, and all that. Bacterial vaginosis, women may contract it and not realize that there is a medical problem. And there's this myth that's perpetuated about women having a smell down there.
Guess what? Women don't smell down there or they shouldn't. If there is a strong odor, it is entirely possible as bacterial vaginosis. It is treatable. It is so fucking treatable. It's like three days of pills and you're done. Basic protocol, basic safety protocol. Whenever you are in a swap situation, men should always swap their condoms before going to a new partner always every fucking time um depending on the type of play that you engage in like anal a dude should probably take a shower in between going from going from one woman to another woman just laying out the safety protocols here.
Men should always switch condoms. And yeah, a dude can give it to a woman because you're having sex. Vaginal fluids will build up around the base of the penis. So then you go to another woman, you're now introducing her fluids or fluid A into orifice B. So yeah, it can totally be transmitted by dudes. Sorry.
Yeah, it's rare for a man to actually catch it in his pee hole but it could happen to um ho bag i got distracted you need a ho bag you need a ho bag it's a little makeup bag nothing fancy as long as it has a zipper top what you put in your ho bag a couple of things you need to put condoms in your ho bags for dudes out there condoms have come a long fucking way from when you were a teenager there are all different brands are all different sizes you need to find a condom that fits your dick that is comfortable and then you go buy like 40 of them motherfuckers never show up to a play session or an orgy with just three condoms i don't fucking get it i'm gonna go through three condoms in an hour because i'm gonna change some damn things out whenever they feel tight or they dry out or whatever or if i'm changing partners so bring like 40 condoms to be safe and this way if you always bring your own condoms you're never at the mercy of somebody else who goes oh no we't have any condoms.
I guess we're not using them. And you can pull out your hoe bag and say, no motherfucker, I got condoms right here. But apparently you didn't think it was a big deal to have condoms. I'm leaving. I don't know if you need to be that dramatic with it, but always bring your own condoms whenever you go on encounters. Breath mints, always put those in your hoe bag. Surprisingly, super fucking, you just never know. I drink coffee all day. Of course, I have breath mints. Another thing to put in your hoe bag is lube. Lube is one of the most underrated sexual helpers out there.
Because after a woman has been having sex for two fucking hours, which is entirely possible, and I've done it myself, natural lubrication just doesn't keep up i she's dehydrated at this point lube lube is your friend if you're going to go with a lube go with a um water-based lube which is safe for condoms silicone-based lubes yes they stay they stay slippery forever but they can degrade latex so they'll eat away a condom. Silicone-based lubes will destroy fucking condoms. Water-based will not. Or if you have a latex allergy, haha, I was getting to that too.
Yeah, if you have a latex allergy, which is the thing, I have a friend who has it, she always brings her own condoms because I think I have a handful of non latex condoms just in case it comes up but generally it's not a standard thing so if you do have a latex allergy i'm going to turn around and put it on you that yeah bring your own condoms just to be on the safe side yeah so thank you everyone for hanging out with me y'all have been wonderful wonderful. Thank you for all the comments and questions. Appreciate it. Y'all have a wonderful night.
