Red Flags for Swingers Part 2

Transcript

Speaker1: good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you may be i hope you have blue skies and a smile in your heart welcome to that other lifestyle podcast where we talk about the good the bad the ugly and the weird sides of this wild lifestyle we are talking about red flags part two today let me get the intro out of the way and we can see what is on the other side we We have a website, thatotherlifestyle.com. We also have a merchandise store with such fine articles of clothing as the Feeling Good Looking for Trouble tank top or the Premier Get Naked safety cup. Do you know about safety cups? Go check out the blog for an explanation. The Patreon is patreon.com slash thatotherlifestyle. Sign up to get exclusive content or just throw some green leafy spending money at the show if you want to. The biggest help right now as I am growing this podcast is something free you can do for me. I feel like everyone says the same thing. Like and comment and subscribe. You already know that. The best free help you can give me right now is to tell a friend about the podcast. Text them right now. Are you in a swinger group chat or a Facebook group? Post a link. Tell the people this podcast exists and it is amazing. Tell them my voice is sexy and smooth and arousing and calming. Speaking of groups, I have a group on sdc.com. If you are not a member of sdc.com, I have a link on my website if you want to sign up. Look for that other lifestyle under groups or businesses on sdc and join today. Please note this podcast is intended for adults only. It is not safe for work. We will be talking about topics of an adult or sexual nature and I will use salty language often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again, only for those over 18 years of age. I also try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I'm sharing. This podcast is for everyone though. No matter your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living, everyone is welcome. Thank you so much for coming back for Red Flags for Swingers Part 2. If you stumbled onto this podcast from somewhere else, there is a Part 1. I encourage you to listen to that one after this one or before, however you want, but please listen to both of them. Last episode, we defined Red Flags as any action, verbal, emotional, physical that infringes upon, pushes, or attempts to negate your own personal autonomy, morals, values, or physical space. Maybe not those exact words, but I've had a whole week to think about this since that last episode and I can put some clarification to the definition. Red flags, you know them when you see them. The problem is for new couples in the lifestyle or maybe experienced couples, you may not know these are red flags until you encounter them in the wild or discuss the interaction later with your spouse. I cannot tell you how many times my wife and I compare notes after a date and realize we caught the same ick feeling at the same time. Pro tip, always debrief with your spouse after a date or a session of horizontal refreshment. Do it three times. The first, immediately after, check in with each other. Maybe have some nice reclaimed sex. The second time, the next day, say next morning, check in again and discuss. The third time, give it two or three days to just simmer in your brain and then reconvene. This gives you both plenty of time to process everything, draw your own conclusions, and then compare. This is how you figure out red flags. The other couple might say something that only one of you catches in the moment, and it is possible for our logical brains to shut down down and I promise your horny lizard brain ain't processing shit once you get busy. Giving yourself and your spouse time to ponder and mentally walk back through an encounter will help you both quantify and figure out the words you need to describe your feelings and actions and the feelings and actions of others. Red flags can be subtle like one or two words dropped in a conversation, or super obvious, like a person disregarding your rules in the middle of a Morris Congress, or just a general vibe you get from another person. Don't ignore the ick. Red flags are either waved by the ignorant who don't know any better and don't realize there's a problem with their actions, or they may be intentionally waved around by toxic people. I went super deep on toxic people in the last episode. Toxic people exist. Toxic people exist in the vanilla world and the lifestyle. Toxic people can take the joy straight out of this hobby. I want to equip you with ways to recognize and defend yourself. If a couple starts planting one of these red flags, be it etiquette, situational, respect, relationship, or like one of those pesky gray flags, you need to know what to do about it. I quantify the different types of red flags into categories to make it easier Thank you. be it etiquette, situational, respect, relationship are like one of those pesky gray flags, you need to know what to do about it. I quantify the different types of red flags into categories to make it easier to discuss, but truly some of these defy explanation. Red flags can defy a category. Red flags can pretend to be a green flag just to screw with your head. Last episode, we talked about etiquette red flags and situational red flags, behaviors we need to look out for that are generally considered bad etiquette in the swinger community. We also talked about situational red flags, like a person having to get smashed drunk, stumbling stupid in order to bump uglies. Today, we're going to be talking about respect, relationships, and subjective red flags. The last category might not actually be red flags, depending on the person and who is looking. As I asked my lifestyle friends for their input on this episode, there was a common theme in their Thank you. Did you know that every date is like a job interview where every action is being pondered and judged? What you say matters, what you do matters, and how you treat others around us matters. We watch how you treat your spouse. Are you kind? Do you compliment your spouse? Are you respectful of them? Are you respectful of our partners? Maybe the waitstaff at a restaurant? We are watching how you behave in public and in private. The reason we watch, and this was backed up by a bunch of my friends, so this just ain't me making shit up. We want to see how you treat others around us to make sure that you will treat our spouse with respect. If you do not treat your own spouse with respect, then how can I trust that you will treat my spouse with respect? Keep in mind for all those newbies out there, my wife, our wives and husbands and partners collectively are the most important people in the world to us. We love our spouses. We love them with our whole minds and bodies and souls. My wife is the other half of my brain. I want to make sure, double and triple sure that anyone who may approach her with lust in their eyes meets my standards. I want to make sure that anyone we interact with, anyone we may get physical with, will respect our spouses as people and respect our marriage. There are layers to this. We will watch how you respect and treat waitstaff, valets, everyone we may interact with on a date or in public. Are you pushy and rude to someone because they handed over your change in a manner that upsets you? Are you rude to the waiter because, well, for no real fucking reason besides you want to go on a power trip? Did you throw a hissy fit because a minor inconvenience got in your way? How you interact with others is a big indication of how you will interact with us. Adding in another layer to this cake of respectfulness, you need to respect the discretion of others. If you're out in public with a couple who values discretion, a couple who could get in trouble for being swingers, don't play grab ass or grab a dick or the ever popular boobie flashy. People can and will notice if the man you did not arrive with starts feeling you up under the table. It's all personal preference on this. I get it. It's fine. But if you tell a couple to stop it, you communicate plainly and directly for them to keep their hands in their respective pockets and they don't respect that, it is a red flag. Which brings us to communicating. Couples have rules on communicating, specifically texting and separate chats, or at least they need to, which should be respected. And if they aren't, that's another big old red flag. In the lifestyle, you have couple A and you have couple B, for my example. Couple A and couple Thank you. which should be respected. And if they aren't, that's another big old red flag. In the lifestyle, you have couple A and you have couple B, for my example. Couple A and couple B are communicating via texting because that's how everyone communicates now and it's totally normal. I don't know the last time I got an actual phone call from someone. Usually for my wife and I, we will have a four-person chat with a couple. All four people can see and read and interact with the other three people in the chat. This is our preference and this is our style. This way, nothing is hidden. Everyone is on the same page. Everyone can see what the other person or people are saying. It's not a trust issue, more so a safety issue for us. Like I said, we're watching. Having extra eyes on this conversation helps. My wife may pick up a comment that another couple makes that I just completely miss. Couples may choose to have separate chats as they're called, as in the husband of couple A talks privately one-on-one with the wife of couple B and vice versa. Whether you want or allow this type of interaction with separate chats, totally up to you and your spouse and your own personal rules. That's not the problem. The red flag comes waving around the corner when, after communicating that couple A will only do group chats, the husband of couple B reaches out separately on the side to start a chat with the wife of couple A. This is a violation of the agreement everyone entered into when y'all started texting. If you have separate chats, not a problem. Willfully disregarding the agreement in order to have a separate conversation on the side with a member of the opposite sex of the equation, that's the problem. The problem is a problem because it makes me question. As we discussed in the last episode, questions are precursors to flags. Any action by another that makes you question their intentions or reasons, asking the why and how come, that's your intuition talking to you. Am I being paranoid? No, I am not paranoid because as in the above example, we all agreed on one course of action and a person went against the agreement we had. The husband of couple A is being disrespectful over our agreement, which then makes me question what other ways that husband would or could be disrespectful. Again, this is not to say you can't chat with someone separately. There are scenarios where it happens. Maybe we're at a party and I can't remember the husband's name of a couple we met, so I reach out to the wife. But I can promise within 10 messages, I'm offering and suggesting we start a group's chat to bring in our spouses. This is just me. I feel when you have an ongoing separate chat with a person, conversations can be more private and intimate and can lead to a person catching the feels. Kind of hard to profess your feelings for a man's wife if the man is literally watching all the messages going back and forth. It's better to keep that door closed in my opinion than just opening it a crack. Poorly planned segue into a topic I decided to add in at the last minute. Wife poaching. Wife poaching is when a couple only wants the wife in another couple, banishing the husband to the realm of non-existence. Instead of going up unicorns, they figure it's easier to just peel the wife away from the husband and that way they can get a threesome out of it, leaving the extra husband watching TV or playing on his phone. I really don't know what these couples think is going to happen here. Be on the lookout for wife poaching. If you have a rule that you always play together, stick to it. A girl-on-girl session can turn into a girl-on-girl-on-guy session quick if you're not careful. It could happen at a sex club where a couple tries to convince your wife to go upstairs with them, or at a party where a woman tries to poach your wife to go to a playroom alone, and her husband just happens to be standing there with a raging hard-on waiting to pounce. Flipping around as we need to balance out the conversation. I don't know if husband poaching is a common act. It happens. It must. But honestly, I can't remember ever hearing about it happening. But yeah, watch out for husband poaching too. Back to the original script before I shoved in this note about wife poaching. After we set up a communication channel, the conversation will turn to rules and boundaries. If you're a newbie, I need you to figure out what are your personal rules and your marriage rules and your boundaries when you interact or shake the bed with another couple. Be specific, like no butt stuff and no choking. And just as an aside, what the hell is up with choking? It ain't my thing. I'm not going to put my hands on another woman's throat. Not going to do it. But what the fuck is up with all these men wanting to choke women? I've met very few women who actively like that sort of thing, who are like, oh my God, squeeze harder. And that action is usually only reserved for their spouse. To men, don't be sneaky and slide a hand up a woman's chest to get into position or don't accidentally, in air quotes, fall with your hand open on her throat. Stop fucking choking people. The women in porn who act like they like it, they're faking. Assume all women in porn are faking. I know porn makes choking seem great and a segment of women like it. Cool. But I'm using generalities here to set up some guidelines. Just fucking assume from here on out no woman likes to be choked. Always ask yourself, if the tables return, would I enjoy a woman choking me? Again, another way porn is not real.