Experience a profound exploration into the world of ethical non-monogamy in "That Other Lifestyle Podcast." Your host, Jason, invites you to deep dive into the misunderstood practice of swinging, debunking common myths and unraveling misconceptions surrounding this lifestyle that goes beyond 'vanilla.' We answer the burning questions you've had, discussing everything from the morality to logistics involved in this lifestyle while challenging societal norms of relationships.
This informative episode enables you to understand that the swinging lifestyle is fundamentally about honesty, communication, and mutual respect. We emphasize on the fact that it calls for a culture of trust, open-minded discussions, and tireless maintenance of relationship boundaries. Want to know how the lifestyle operates around jealousy? Or how it is different from polyamry? We've got your questions covered. But be warned, the podcast contains adult themes and is strictly for listeners aged 18 and over.
In this episode, we take you on a journey to understanding the intricacies of swinging relationships, clear up common misconceptions, and emphasize how trust and open communication is at the core of this lifestyle. We also provide a plethora of diverse resources available for those interested in swinging, from supportive online forums to sex clubs. Above all, we stress the importance of personal agency and autonomy when considering swinging and how these unconventional experiences should be based on shared curiosity and mutual consent.
Whether you're exploring the swinging lifestyle or simply curious about the unconventional corners of relationship dynamics, join us in "That Other Lifestyle Podcast" for a candid, educational, and myth-busting journey into the colorful world of swingers. Discover, learn, and step away from stale societal definitions of relationships!
Transcript
good morning good afternoon and good evening wherever you may be i hope you have blue skies and a smile in your heart welcome to that other lifestyle podcast i am your host jason and we talk about the good the bad the ugly and the weird sides of this wild lifestyle today we are addressing common questions of the vanilla crowd ask about the lifestyle oh there are questions from your vanilla friends and family and neighbors about the who and the what and the why and the how. Really hard for vanilla people to wrap their heads around four people initiating and conducting aggressive cuddling.
I kindly ask you to subscribe or follow the podcast wherever you may be listening right now. Hit the button. Come on, it'll be fun. Just hit the button. You might like it. Or just let the podcast play and repeat all night and get those downloads for me. My website is thatotherlifestyle.com and this podcast is also available on YouTube. Good news to everybody out there. That Other Lifestyle podcast has joined the Full Swap Radio network, so please take a listen at fullswapradio.com. Please note this podcast is intended for adults only. It is not safe for work.
We will talk about adult or sexual topics and I will use salty language often. This content is for entertainment purposes only and again, only for those over 18 years of age. I try to be as inclusive with my language and terms as I can. It can be challenging to formulate and write and say all the inclusive terms in every instance. For simplicity's sake and time management, I may use terms like husband or wife or partner or spouse for the purpose of the narrative I'm sharing. This podcast is for everyone, though.
No matter your background, gender identity, gender expression, or whatever truth you may be living, everyone is welcome. Today, we're answering vanilla questions about the lifestyle. When our vanilla friends or family or neighbors find out that we are in this hobby, we are hit hardcore with logistics questions. Yeah, there's a lot of morality questions thrown in for good measure, but a lot of logistics, like how does one coordinate a threesome, or where are all the swingers hiding?
Everyone knows that swingers like to hide in kitchen cabinets, and when everyone is asleep, we come out at night and move stuff around, and we also like to steal one sock a day from the dryer. Vanilla people, that's the key phrase. That phrase denotes that we, lifestyle people, are the other. There are two groups. One staring into this black box of debauchery while the other stares out, smiling. The vanilla world says people in the lifestyle are different or weird or no longer fit in a normal society.
Suddenly, now that a vanilla friend knows what you do on the weekends, they will see you completely different. Maybe a little judgmental, maybe a little jealous, maybe a little curious. Answering the first question, what is vanilla? Vanilla is not an insult. It is a distinction. A useful code phrase that lets swingers know the limits they need to operate in for a given situation. No play and grab a dick. Vanilla means all those people who are not swingers or lifestyle are into ethical non-monogamy. It's a term that separates us and adds to our shared culture. And we do have a shared culture.
Those who are into ethical non-monogamy, however you may experience it, we have our own language and habits and etiquette. Dictionary.com says a culture is the customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or social group. So, yep, I think we qualify. With any culture, though, there are those on the inside and outside. We are humans. We create tribes and societies, and we distinguish ourselves from the other, those who are not part of our group. That is where the distinction between vanilla and not vanilla comes in.
When we share with my vanilla friends and family our lifestyle, share that we were swingers, and I alluded to this in the last episode, the first reaction is always shock and disbelief. The revelation of swingerhood causes synapses in the brain to stop. Electrical activity will shut down. The first reaction is disbelief, sheer disbelief at this even being a possibility. They blink a few times trying to kickstart their brains. There is silence. Awkward silence. It's like they're just waiting for us to drop a punchline to a joke or maybe say we're just kidding and change the subject.
But no, in that moment of awkwardness, we double down. My wife, being the more serious of the two of us, gets the second question. They always turn and look at her and go, really? Nuh-uh. A variation of some question like that. They turn to her to verify that I'm not kidding. She will usually answer just a simple yes, which is even more disarming for their vanilla brains. Then there's a pause in the conversation, maybe three or four heartbeats as they process this information. I can see the questions flying through their brain as their mental capacities restart.
A flood, a fury, barrage of inquiries to gain more information as soon as possible. I heard it a long time ago and I feel and understand this a lot more now. For people who come out of the closet as a gay person, there's a phenomenon of ask the gay guy, where straights will begin asking a multitude of questions about the how and the why and all that. I totally get it now. I guess as natural human curiosity, outside of really bad Hollywood cliches or murder porn, there are no accurate portrayals of swinging in the media.
Most anyone knows about the lifestyle is based on incomplete snippets pieced together from factually wrong information. No, we don't all have hot tubs. No, we don't try to pick up vanilla people at bars. No, we don't want to have sex with everyone possible. People have questions and they need better answers than the internet or TV can provide. I personally enjoy the questions. Any chance I can get to dispel myths about the lifestyle I see is good and wholesome.
Yes, there will be assumptions about the health of my marriage or images of orgies and now we are suddenly looking to fuck around with every couple out there. Back to the ask the gay analogy, I get it now on a whole different level. When men find out that their friend is gay, there is now a worry that any straight man in their company will become targets of their unbridled gay urges. I've seen the same issue with swingers. We tell vanilla couples we are swingers and they become worried. Very worried.
Albeit briefly, till we put their minds at ease, that they will now be a target of our uncontrollable, devious swinger lust and we will attempt to convert them, maybe make them eat a whole bunch of pineapples while we're at it. Which leads to an inevitable question. Do you want to swing with me? Are you hitting on me? Are you going to make us into swingers? Is it contagious? The answer is universally, mostly, probably, no. It is better to make friends out of swingers than friends into swingers.
There is a population of lifestyle people that love and get off on flipping vanilla people, but they are in the minority, and it is not an action my wife and I participate in. I ain't here to convert anyone to this lifestyle. We have no interest in vanilla couples. If you're not in the club, I don't want to help you get in the club. We're all on our own personal journey, and I am not here to convince anyone to change their monogamous status to ethical non-monogamy. And bonus question, well, why not? Why don't you want to swing with us?
To which I'd say probably we're not attracted to you, and you are not swingers, and we are picky, and I am not in the mood to have this conversation. There's a lot of reasons there. Which leads us to another question. Are we polyamorous? Poly and swinging get conflated, and I need to explain the difference. And by explaining it, we will blow our friends' minds at the amount of intimacies that can exist that they never even pondered in their own marriage. There are multiple types of intimacy, emotional, romantic, physical, probably some I'm not even thinking of. This is a learning moment.
For vanilla couples, their spouse is the sole source of all intimacy and they never contemplate that there could be different kinds of intimacy as they only know one all-encompassing type. In swinging, my spouse is my emotional and romantic center. They are my person. We are dedicated to each other in our marriage. Our marriage vows hold firm and is based on mutual respect and agreement that we are each other's source of emotional and romantic intimacy. I do not go looking for emotional and possibly romantic intimacy in other people.
Swinging is more about physical intimacy, the sex, than anything else. And it's fun. We do this together as a team. For polyamory, that tends, and I am grossly generalizing all this for the benefit of time and clarity, so please forgive me, poly tends to be open to emotional, romantic, and physical intimacy and other kinds of intimacy. A poly couple may be dedicated to each other in the same manner as a traditional monogamous marriage, but they're open to dating and connecting emotionally and romantically with other people. There's no right or wrong way to experience ethical non-monogamy.
It's just different strokes for different folks. So is this cheating? This is cheating, right? Y'all are cheating on each other. You're using swinging as an excuse to cheat on each other. Why don't you just cheat? Why don't you just get divorced so you can have sex with whoever you want? When is the divorce? I'm lumping all of these questions in together. This is not cheating. The lifestyle swinging, whatever we call it, we do not consider this cheating, which is one of the biggest mental hurdles the vanilla world has to jump. But you're having sex with someone who's not your spouse.
Response to that is, well, vanilla people don't even have sex with their spouse, so what the hell am I doing wrong? Cheating means you are violating another person's trust in you. We do everything as a team, and there are no secrets between us. We agree on pursuing this hobby together, and all the shenanigans we engage in are out in the open. Two people have communicated, established their boundaries, and are still acting in good faith within the confines of their marriage.
Some couples may have open marriages where they date other people, but it's not cheating as long as there is still trust and the marriage is held in the highest regard. Cheating, meaning to violate your spouse's trust or violate your marriage, is very frowned upon in the lifestyle. We are not using this as an excuse to cheat. But what about jealousy? The imaginary vanilla person I'm talking to will ask. And I've had people tell me, well, I couldn't do this because I would get too jealous. Ha ha ha, that's good.
I am glad you have the mental wherewithal to realize this about yourself, and you should totally not try swinging if that's the case. Jealousy can't be there. The difference is that jealousy may be about a situation versus a person. And when it does happen, jealousy is confronted, communicated, talked through, so we come out on the other side better. If there is a hint of jealousy, swingers talk through it using their feelings and expressing their feelings. Oh no, not the feelings!
Yeah, the only way this works is to be totally honest about your own feelings and try to communicate them the best you can. There are vanilla couples out there that will spend weeks fighting over the dumbest shit possible because they cannot effectively communicate their emotions or feelings. Do you know how many marriages could be saved every day if two people could learn to talk about their feelings better? And speaking of feelings, what if you start having those emotional feelings for someone else? My imaginary vanilla person will ask.
Like you start to really like another person beyond the lack-alike stage. It happens. We try not to let it happen. You keep your spouse as your emotional center, your marriage and union as the most important aspect of the lifestyle. And if, a big if, you do start to catch feels for another person, that's a rough one to deal with. You have to step back and ask why, not lean into it. Acknowledge it and figure out why. It may mean stepping back from that couple to protect the unity of your marriage and you talk to your spouse about it. That conversation will suck.
It will suck a lot, but you need to do it and you need to manage those feelings together. For the vanilla world, the number of feelings that we discuss can be mind-blowing too. Being honest with your spouse every day, fully exposed and raw, it takes work. It is good work though. It is worthy work. The fun question we get, how did you get started doing this? Well, everyone has their own origin story and an answer to the question of why and how. I'll share our own personal origin story in a future episode, but everyone has their own reasons for doing this. It might be purely sexual.
They might want to satisfy a sexual fantasy. Maybe it's the desire for community, or they're attracted to the social aspects of the lifestyle. And to follow up to that, who brought this up first? Was it the husband? Because if it was the husband, he suggested it because he wants to have sex with other women. And if the wife brought it up, she mentioned it because she wanted to cheat on him and isn't satisfied with her current husband. This is a super dumb train of thought full of dark assumptions.
And I'm not intentionally trying to make these vanilla questions nasty and venomous, but damn it, they sure come across that way. The vanilla world is always looking for what's wrong and not right with the situation. They want to make assumptions knowing full damn well they have sexual fantasies too, but are too scared to act on them. Scared to bring up anything new to their spouses. Scared to express their true sexual self to their committed partner. I think the vanilla world wants us, it forces us to bury our sexual self beneath a thin layer of civility.
They want to sell us sex though through marketing. Oh, they do that, but don't act on it. They want to take our money from us, our time and attention with sex, but don't acknowledge the sex. Once you become a parent and you have a career and you hit 35, your sexual self must die to make way for a boring normal existence. There are no more sexual fantasies. For men, any sexual expression is relegated to furiously masturbating for two minutes, five times a week in the shower. For women, y'all just stop. Just stop. Turn that off. Turn that part of yourself off as it no longer exists.
The vanilla world thinks sexual fantasies are delusions of actions instead of expressions of desire. Expressing a sexual fantasy is the most honest and pure act you can do. We are taught to repress and keep our desires hidden. Never share because then we'll be judged. But what if you knew you wouldn't be judged? What if your partner might be on board? The vanilla assumptions about swinger marriages are completely wrong. We are not swingers to make our marriages better.
We already had good marriages to begin with because we are and were able to share a sexual fantasy with our partner and they were willing to listen. We felt comfortable enough with our partner to share our deepest desires. Vanilla marriages need to look in the mirror before they judge swingers and ask if they're willing to do the same. I know there are vanilla couples that freak the fuck out if one of the spouses even looks at porn, let alone expresses a new sexual desire or kink. How do we know swinging is the right choice for me and my partner, Mr. Vanilla will ask?
I haven't a bloody clue how to answer that and I won't. I could share all the positives and negatives of the lifestyle, but whether you do or do not, that is a personal choice. But know this, once you start, you cannot go back. A man has no idea how he will react the first time they see their wife getting dicked down by another man. A wife has no idea how she will react when another woman kisses her husband. If a couple is thinking about the lifestyle, there is a cornucopia of resources out there to help with that decision.
My only addition is, you better be damn sure that when that moment comes, you're ready for it. There is no reset on this. There is no magic switch you can flip to erase the mental images and memories from your mind. If you fuck around, you will find out. To any prospective lifestyle couples, ask yourself if you can handle the thought of another person touching your spouse in an intimate way. If there are regrets after the first encounter, y'all are going to need some therapy to get through that. Let's find a fun question. Are my neighbors swingers? How can I tell if a person is a swinger?
Because Mr. Vanilla's life is devoid of meaning and they need to know what other people are secretly doing that they're not a part of. Vanilla people want to know the secret codes, and to be honest, we don't have any. Swingers and LS people do not cruise the local bowling alley looking for random couples. There are no lawn ornaments or landscaping that will advertise that the residents of a house are swingers. We keep this hobby hidden, except for those fucking pineapples. Yes, pineapples are kind of a thing.
Anyone wearing a pineapple out in public as a swinger symbol, they don't give two shits if you know or judge them. If there are no secret swinger symbols, how do you meet people? I've gotten asked this a few times, and the answer is the internet. Our collective hobby is fucking people we meet on the internet, to which there is amazement from the vanilla crowd that there are websites dedicated to finding other swingers. They seem amazed that swingers can use the computer and the technology. The vanilla people are visibly bothered. There are websites they don't know about.
No one told them about these websites. And how dare those swingers have their own little corner of the internet? No one told them about the sex clubs or the parties either. We have our own social clubs and bars and gatherings. and no one tells them. There seems to be a running theme in the vanilla world that they are just aghast, just shocked that no one told them about this lifestyle. Yeah, we don't exactly have boots at the local farmer's markets handing out pamphlets about ethical non-monogamy.
If there's a hotel takeover happening, I ain't telling nobody because I don't want vanilla people there gawking. And gawking is a good word for it. Vanilla people gawk. Another fun one. How do you initiate sex? Like four people are together and how do you transition to sex? Well, my usual tactic, Mr. Vanilla, with couples we have a good connection with is to just yell out transition. It ain't complicated. It is really stupid simple. Four people, everyone is horny. Let's go.
I think this comes from the vanilla world because they don't even know how to initiate sex with their partners, let alone with others. We can either be super direct and say, hey, you want to go get naked? Or just let the moment linger. Maybe start making out and let the experience goes where it wants. Again, it's not complicated. Starting sex is way less intense than having all the unfun conversations that lead up to it.
And to answer some more vanilla questions in rapid fire, yes, we use condoms, yes, we get tested regularly, yes, STIs are a concern that we try to mitigate through having unfun conversations with other couples leading up to the actual sex. If a person is uncomfortable talking to their spouse about sex, this may not be the hobby for them because they will need to talk about sex and all the little intricacies of that and the stuff it brings with other people often. We do talk about testing status. We do ask to see test results. We do talk about what actions during sex are okay.
We talk about rules and boundaries. This happens and it needs to happen. Which leads us to how do we determine who we swing with? Let me take a step back, though. We do not have sex with every couple out there. Full stop. Vanilla people assume we are just banging and swinging with every couple out there. Like we ride around looking for pineapples on porches, show up at a random house, get naked, and jump into a pile of bodies. No. Please remove that thought and image from your brain forever. No one is cruising around looking for pineapples or covert signs that there is a sex party Thank you.
naked, and jump into a pile of bodies? No. Please remove that thought and image from your brain forever. No one is cruising around looking for pineapples or covert signs that there is a sex party happening at a random house. We do not approach strangers in public. We have parties for that. Organized events. We are in full control and agency of which couples we may have relations with. And now I have people pondering when I mention sex parties, so let's answer those questions. How do sex parties work?
Like every other party you have ever been to until the shenanigans start, we stand around and drink and converse until the tension finally breaks. Usually there's a designated playroom that the action should be segmented to, though some people will just pull out an air mattress and use a living room floor. What about key parties? Okay, key parties are not real. There is no historical evidence that key parties were ever a thing in the 60s or 70s. It is a Hollywood cliche. Key parties present a giant red flag in the lifestyle. I need to educate our vanilla listeners on consent.
Here in the 2020s, we observe rules of consent in the lifestyle. We do not touch other people without permission. We do not assume we have consent to engage in fuckery with a person because they are at a party or a meetup or they're naked. Consent must be given plainly and directly. Orgies always come up when talking to vanilla people. They think we have way more orgies than we really do. Orgies do happen, not as often as vanilla people think. Orgies are supremely complicated to plan and coordinate.
Yes, there will be situations where more than four people, because I define orgies as more than four people, will be having relations together, swapping partners, and having a good time in the same room. What's funny about orgies is they are not what people picture. Yes, there will be very racy activities, and then there's a lull because you need a break. And in that lull, there will be the most mundane conversations imaginable. Sports, travel, homeowners insurance, pets.
Have you ever watched the behind-the-scenes footage of a porn shoot where the talent is just sitting around bullshitting between scenes? It is just like that. Normal people having normal conversations, probably naked, while everyone recharges. Okay, so people get naked and start touching each other. What if someone touches another person and they don't want to have sex with them? We say no. We are fucking adults who can use our words. It is possible and likely that you will not be attracted to every single person in the orgy room. That's okay.
Usually the etiquette is to ask before you touch a person like, Hey, want some action? The other person can say no or yes or walk away. It's okay. Not everyone will be attracted to everyone in every situation. One note about orgies, there are planned and unplanned orgies. And this is going on to the experienced swingers out there. If there are plans for an orgy, tell people, tell people in attendance that, hey, in about an hour, we're all going to be naked and touching each other. And there's going to be noises and slapping and moaning happening.
Tell people in advance, not every swinger wants to be part of an orgy. Surprise orgies happen, and not everyone is in the mood for an orgy that night. Speaking of orgies and places orgies happen, sex clubs. At the sex clubs, there are rooms dedicated to the hedonistic arts. You walk by, and people are banking it out, and you wonder, can I join? Can I watch? What is the etiquette here? We got rules for this too. Curtains. Usually the playrooms have a universal system of curtains that all the clubs seem to have the same system. There's a sheer curtain and a black or opaque curtain.
If the opaque curtain is closed across the door, do not enter. Do not peek your head around. Do not be sneaky. Do not bother the people in the room. They want a semblance of privacy, so keep walking. If the sheer curtain is pulled, they want an audience. They do not want you to come into the room. So you're welcome to watch, but don't go past the curtain. If there is no curtain, doors open, you're welcome to come into the room, but that does not mean you can participate. You're just allowed in the space. People still need to ask before they join the fun.
Again, we are adults who use our words and we ask first. Speaking of asking, what if you get rejected? It happens. Rejection in the lifestyle happens. You get thick skin though. People are not rejecting a person so much as an act at that moment. You might be a fantastic person. Does not mean I want to be involved with you in sweaty cardio at this particular instance. People will ask, what do we wear? Legitimate question I've gotten often. What do we wear when we engage in shenanigans? Clothes and then not clothes. Rarely is someone walking around in lingerie.
We tend to get down to not close as quickly as possible just to get on with the fun. In the sex clubs, ladies may walk around in lingerie or get naked. When we have fun with other couples, we usually go straight to the nakedness. What about fears that someone, an employer, community, family, or friends might find out? This is a supremely personal question and a personal answer that everyone will have a different response on. Some people don't care. I don't care. I am who I am and this is my choice to participate in the lifestyle and people can either accept it or not.
I am not responsible for the perception of others on what I do. I can be a good advocate for the lifestyle, but in the end, whatever attitude people have towards swinging or ethical non-monogamy or whatever we may call it, that is solely dependent upon the other person. And this does not apply to Thank you. for the lifestyle, but in the end, whatever attitude people have towards swinging or ethical non-monogamy or whatever we may call it, that is solely dependent upon the other person. And this does not apply to everyone in the lifestyle though. Some people have jobs with morality clauses.
That's a thing. Part of their contract or they work in professions that are very public and employers may have a problem with people being open about the lifestyle. It happens. So discretion is important. If you are a lucky vanilla person who is listening to this show and a friend confides in you that they are in the lifestyle, be respectful. It is an intensely personal and deep secret that they now trust you with. Do not go gossip around town about what people do in the privacy of their own homes. If you suspect that your friends might be swingers, don't ask. Do not pry.
If they wanted you to know about this side of their life, they would tell you. Wild change in direction of questions. What about sex? Do you watch? Do you share details? What is it like flirting with other people? What do you do after sex? All right. Sometimes we watch. Sometimes we don't watch. It kind of depends on how busy I may be at the moment and focusing on what I am doing, whether I can divert my attention to see what else is happening in the room. Watching your spouse in action can be very arousing. You get to see them as erotic sexual beings.
You see them receiving and giving pleasure. There is a whole new side of your spouse you have never seen, especially from new angles, like literally new angles. Do we share details of our encounters? Yes. Hearing the thoughts on the proceedings is very arousing as well. Again, there's no jealousy here. If a person can make my wife dive through the depths of fornication passion, I'm not jealous. I'm happy for her. Happy that she experienced that. The word for that feeling is compersion. I did a whole episode on that emotion, so go listen to it. After our ventures, we check in. We talk.
What did we like? What did we not like? Did the other person do something that you really enjoy and now you want to try out together? Feedback and checking in. Again, it's not the sexiest conversation, but it's necessary. What is it like seeing someone flirt with your spouse? It is pretty damn cool, to be honest. Often in the vanilla world as we age, our sexuality is diminished. We are told in no uncertain terms that we cannot be sexy after 30 or 40 or 50 or 60, which is complete bullshit. My wife is still as beautiful as the day I married her.
Having other people interested in her is great for her self-esteem and my confidence. A fun question to get and a fun question to answer. What happens after sex? Like, after everybody's done, what do you do? The answer? Drink water. Hydrate. Then we get dressed. Probably leave. Or we make a cuddle puddle and rest up and recharge for another round. Definitely drink some water, though. A good hour-long session of fucking will leave you an exhausted mess, so make sure to hydrate. And avoid ice-cold water. Ice-cold drips of water running down post-sex skin is shocking in a bad way. Thank you.
leave you an exhausted mess. So make sure to hydrate and avoid ice cold water. Ice cold drips of water running down post-sex skin is shocking in a bad way. One more. How do I convince my partner to be a swinger? I hate this question because you don't. Don't attempt to convince anyone, especially your partner, to be a swinger. You can have an adult conversation about this hobby. You can educate and learn and talk, but there is no convincing. I see this question come up on Reddit and other places on the internet going hand in hand with you sharing a fantasy.
Your partner may not be on board and that's okay. Never convince a person to do something they do not want to do. You're taking away their personal agency. And if you get anything out of this podcast ever now or in the future, I believe in everyone having personal agency of choice and body autonomy in every situation. I always appreciate hearing your feedbacks and comments on episodes or suggestions for topics, so feel free to reach out to me. Personal disclaimer, I am not a medical professional nor a trained and certified educator of any kind in any way.
I am a guy with a microphone sharing my personal experiences with you. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only, and please join us for the next episode. Whatever you may do today, I hope you have a fantastic time doing it. Know that you are appreciated and loved. Have a great day.
