Vic Nearly Puked. Dave Dove Right In. Our 1st Time

Transcript

Speaker1: In this episode, we're going back to our first time. We'll tell you how I shocked Dave by signing up for an AFF account for the first time. The couple we met from the next town over. What really went down that night in our house. And how we both felt before, during, and especially after. If you've ever wondered what it's actually like the first time you swing, this one's for you. Welcome to Coming Out Swinging. A raw, real look at modern relationships. I'm Dave Arena. And I'm Victoria Arena. We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22. We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like. Maybe this is our modern-day scarlet letter. But we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed. What's broken in today's relationships? Is monogamy even natural for humans? And could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be boning other people? This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations, especially monogamy. Subscribe to Coming Out Swinging, the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherfucking OGs. Okay, so on today's episode, we're going to get into how we started swinging in our first time. Yeah. Popping the cherry. Ha!
Speaker2: Ha ha ha!
Speaker1: Ha ha ha!
Speaker2: Ha ha ha!
Speaker3: Ha ha ha! we're going to get into how we started swinging in our first time. Yeah.
Speaker1: Popping the cherry. Well, I mean, I can say it was me. Surprisingly, yes.
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: Dave was out for the evening doing a show somewhere. For those that don't know, he's a stand-up comic. he had a show and he was out and i was home and i kind of went down this like internet rabbit hole type of thing and found out there was a site out there at the time called aff which was stood for adult friend finder and i think now nowadays it's pretty much just a porn site right pretty much i mean back then like you can actually like chat with people maybe you still can i think you can i'm sure you can meet people but yeah yeah but back in the day that's it was kind of like the swinger meet and greet type of place um and i signed us up for an account and that's completely out of character for me. I mean, I'm probably pretty more open, more open of the two of us, like when it comes to talking about things and stuff like that, when it comes to acting on things, I'm probably a little bit more chicken shit. Yeah. I'm afraid of everybody. I think everybody's a weirdo. although although in some ways it's surprising some ways it's not because if we were going to do this like i wouldn't have done it either only but for different reasons i wouldn't have done it because i would have thought you would have thought it was weird or something like that yeah so you had to be the one but um yeah there was just something that night that i was thinking and i was like oh i'm gonna check this out i signed us up with an account gave ourselves a screen name and went out there and started like i mean i probably was only on it for like 10 minutes and i met a couple from like a town over from us and you got home i'm like oh what are you doing i'm like talking to a couple from you know wherever the town next to us and you're like what and i like, Oh, what are you doing? I'm like talking to a couple from, you know, wherever the town next to us. And you're like, what? And I'm like, Oh, I signed us up on adult friend finder. Yeah. You were already, I was like already meeting people. He's going, what? I'm like, Oh yeah, sit down. I, you know, I think she knows, you know, so-and-so and we were like, Oh God, like small world. And talk to them like that night and then talk to them like the next afternoon and decided like we were going to meet for drinks like that night. Yeah. I mean, it was quick. It was really quick. Smooth. Yeah. And totally, you know, conversation was good. We had gotten a babysitter, like kids were gone. So house was to ourselves, but we had met them at like a bar just up the road from us, which would have been just down the road from them. And yeah, it was real low pressure and just kind of good vibes all the way around. Yeah, good people. I mean, we got along with them right away. Yeah, I, you know, I didn't feel, I didn't feel a lot of pressure. I don't know. around yeah good people i mean we we got along with them right away yeah i you know i didn't feel i didn't feel a lot of pressure i think we all kind of just really knew what we were there for and i remember saying oh do you guys want to come back for drinks and they were like yeah we're down you know and they came back to our house and that was that yeah i guess we'll get into it we'll get into what happened from there that's the good stuff yeah but it was it all happened very fast within a 48 hour span yeah well i think what i can say is that there was no pressure for the first 48 hours like even meeting at the restaurant once we knew we were going across the street back home one shit got real and we pulled into the driveway and we went into like our you know living or merry where there was like we had bar and stuff and fixing drinks I started to feel the pressure I was getting nervous I mean I felt like I was physically going to be ill like I was like shaking and I was really reserved I think he was pretty reserved from the other couple whereas she was quite aggressive yeah and again to give a little background on your personality we've mentioned this before where you're kind of a little bit more chicken shit with everything you're a scaredy cat i am yeah and also you we talked about my background of not having any We'll be right back. pretty cat i am yeah and also you we talked about my background of not having any girlfriends or what have you but you had a very similar background and you didn't have a lot of say i mean we were young yeah to begin with but you didn't have a lot of experience no not a lot of experience no and so i think you know when it it comes down to it, you can talk a huge game up until and then it's like, oh, my God, we are doing this. And we're not going to be able to put this back in the toothpaste tube. No, you can't. You can't go back. And one one other thing, and I don't want to make this a religious thing. We were not very religious, like practicing, but you came from. I came from a very religious background. A very strict Catholic background. So, you know, I think just, you know, being married and growing up Catholic, and you just did things the right way, and you just didn't have a lot of other experiences, I think it was a lot for you to even be like, are we really doing this? Yeah. And then and then I mean to see the eagerness and just about everybody's eyes and then my mind was like going like a hundred miles a minute like oh my god we're gonna do this you know what I mean yeah I wasn't saying it out loud but I'm sure it showed on my face well we'll get to that in a bit but I want to touch on because you mentioned something about not being able to put the toothpaste back in the tube which is so true like right you can't you can't go back from this and i think that was my biggest fear and i assume in general that was yours too but talk to me about what was going through your head right before in terms of the real fears. Like, there's a part of it just getting over the physical uncomfortableness of being with someone else and the physical act of, are we really doing this? But I'm talking about, like, emotionally. I thought there's the first thought that came to mind is like, oh, my God, if we do this, are we still going to be okay with each other tomorrow morning?
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: I mean, I think that's the initial thought. Is that kind of what you're asking me?
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: Because you knew that was one of my biggest things. I remember walking past you in the hallway that night, and we looked at each other, and I remember you saying, you good? I think so. Are you good? Yeah, I'm'm good and I was like oh he's he's good I said I think so but it's the biggest thing right it's the biggest thing is the unknown yeah because you don't know how you're gonna feel and you can't change it that's the scariest part you cannot change what's already happened so you don't no matter how much you prepare for it or you think it's going to be fine and you think you're going to be fine just because of our trust level and the communication and all the build-up but you just don't know well here's the thing i think most men pick a woman or marry a woman and there's always that saying, you know, I want to freak in the sheets, but you know, whatever, you know, the good girl out in the streets, in the streets, you know, I was always, you know, good girl. and yet I spiced things up for you in the bedroom but then in my mind I was like but what if he doesn't think I'm that material anymore after this like what if I yeah you know like I think there was that thought in my head I had a lot of you know crap that I was trying to struggle with in that moment because it was getting so real so quick. Yeah. And that's a fair, I think that's interesting because I do not think that guys necessarily have, like, I think that you're right. that that is a woman it's the same fear of not knowing like will the relationship change or will but i don't necessarily think it's so much about like i wasn't worried about what you would think of me necessarily because i i don't know if guys really think of that yeah i don't think they do i think we immediately think um like there's a separation between wife material or like, or what you put your wife on a pedestal. And will that be different? Right, right. And it was a true thought and true feeling. I mean, for sure. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, I got over it. Obviously. So that takes us into the bedroom. I do remember it was blackout dark in there. You had... I was not turning on one light. Yeah, you had every blind down, all the... Neighbors weren't going to see shit. Yeah. It was... yeah i i don't even remember i mean we could we could have been with each other we would have never even known like you couldn't see anything and like you were saying like i could feel the energy of you like you didn't describe till afterwards that you were like about to puke but like I could just tell you were in that energy because I know you so well like I knew you were shaking him say to me are you shaking yeah and I said yeah and I remember you popping up and saying are you okay and I'm like yeah I'm good I didn't want to ruin it because you guys were like ready to go. And I don't want to say like he was – he wasn't very aggressive either.
Speaker3: No.
Speaker1: Which I think – Was probably a perfect fit for me at that moment. Yeah, although I don't know. Maybe as we've learned over the years, you kind of need a little bit more aggression, so maybe that would have been, but maybe at that time, not. At that time, no. I could tell you, like, in that moment, that's probably the, I needed to be eased in. Yeah, but what was super interesting is I'm not aggressive either, as you know. No, you're not. I am. You were that night. Yeah, but not. Only guided by her. Right, because I am.
Speaker3: Thank you. No, you're not. I am. You were that night. Yeah, but not. Only guided by her. Right. Because I am. One thing you'll learn about me if you keep listening to this podcast is I am not only am I not aggressive, but I have no game whatsoever. I mean, it goes right over my head. Yeah. Even nowadays. Yeah. And I never want to be. I don't ever want to misstep or be creepy or be weird yeah so i just i never am very aggressive but she was as you said in fact there aren't too many if any even after 22 years that have probably been that aggressive no she was all into it she had her way from the start yeah and so for me it was very easy right in that way because i didn't have time to think yeah with him and i i think it was two nervous nelly's you know exactly trying to make something that's what i'm trying to say you guys were very much like the same energy in a way and kind of fumbling around and And she just like, I had no time to even think if I wanted to, I had no time to be afraid of anything other than her. Yeah. But it went, it did go down.
Speaker2: Everything was fine.
Speaker1: Yeah. We had a great time.
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: In terms of the, like how it ended up after, you know, I don't know that you necessarily got a lot out of it physically just because of your state correct which is fine but there was obviously excitement of just the circumstance and the fact that it was the first time it was hot and it was hot to think about definitely afterwards. Right. But it was more so, um, I expected more from future experiences, I guess. Yeah. So what was it like? Talk to me about your feelings. So we know what your fear was before what were you feeling afterwards well the next day was kind of weird we didn't talk really we were both kind of just looking at each other all day and never really had like a yeah it was like awkward we didn't discuss it after they left and we didn't really discuss in the morning yet but by afternoon we started talking i i couldn't handle it anymore i was like okay can we talk about this now like and he's like oh are you ready i was like yeah he's like i was kind of waiting for you to you know say something and i i think for me it was just like i wanted to get right out in the open you're everything happening. You don't look at me any different. Right. And he was like, no, why would I look at you in any way different? I'm like, okay, just it's been in my head and been in my mind, you know, since yesterday. And I think I just kind of like, let it out there. um i remember we talked about was there any regret with it did we feel relieved that we finally acted on something that we had been fantasizing about? And I think those were all definitely part of it.
Speaker3: Yeah.
Speaker1: Some relief. I didn't have any regrets at the time. And I like to call this conversation the reconnection because it really is. Like, I feel like you have to talk about this stuff after, you know, I don't know. conversation the reconnection because it really is like i feel like you have to talk about this stuff after you know you have an adventure and it's brings you closer together because then we had like super hot sex after that yeah you want to talk about we talked about pillow talk beforehand before we ever did anything the pillow talk this created after the fact where we can actually talk like before it was pillow talk about fantasies that had never happened yeah now we were actually able to talk about something that did happen while we were having sex yeah which was crazy like and that actually became our whole thing yeah even 22 years later now that's how we've evolved where everything is to enhance like our reconnection yeah and the excitement we get out of it yeah so obviously that's your i was going to ask you what advice you would give someone who's preparing for their first time that's obviously a big one like the reconnection afterwards and all that but what else would you um I don't really I don't I mean, you know, reconnecting and talking about the experience and knowing that it always comes back to the two of you is really key. Yeah. Everybody else in our world, the way we experience things are just a vehicle or a toy. It doesn't mean we haven't become friends with people in the lifestyle along the way we're not cold asshole yeah but that truly is i don't get caught up in emotions you don't get caught up in emotions we get caught up in each other's emotions yeah and that's really electrifying yeah because there's even been um and i hate to pick on single guys but there's's even been single guys who have, like, made it sound like, like, if they've played with us once, and when I say us, I'm straight. I don't know why I needed to point that out, but played with us, meaning played with you. They think that you're going to, like, oh, it was so great, like. That I need that person that person all the time right or like they just rocked my world and i know that does come off kind of shitty or cold sometimes but it's like and it's not that we haven't had experiences that have been multiple like multiple times with the same person but it's more about the scenario and the reconnection we can have and the excitement we get out of it. If there's no more excitement or there's nothing left for it, for us to get anything out of it, then it's kind of run its course. It's boring at that point, more mundane. Yeah. Like, I remember at one time when we were doing stuff like separate rooms, we got into a phase when we started doing that. it was like one particular guy a couple times and then eventually when he would kind of just expect it we were already over it because yeah it was exciting those one or two times but then after that there's like nothing left for us to talk about after you know what i mean mean? So it's done. Yeah. Anything else? Um, I, I mean, I just think everybody should, you know, if this is something you're talking about, you know, your first time you're going to expect everything, the nerves, the excitement, the awkwardness, the curiosity, the, you know, you want it to be like perfect maybe, or like you're, you have some scenario some scenario you have it all in your head and that's not always going to be but i think my advice would be definitely talk before talk after be on the same page and be honest about your feelings going into it and after it yeah i i think that's what you made a good point too about talking after and being honest with your feelings including if you didn't like something or if something wasn't like you know there's been times where we're like uh you know like that just kind of rubbed me the wrong way or like i you need to be honest about all that kind of stuff and talk about the reasons why. And I think, you know, always just go slow, stay open. Don't try and script it. Like, I'm not, Dave knows exactly what I'm talking about here. Tendency men have a chance or have this tendency in their minds to want to be like, so I'm thinking tonight we should, you know, and then if she's there or if they're there, then, you know, maybe we'll see, you know, it's like, no, just let it happen organically. The more organic, the better. And trust me, the hotter it will be. Yeah. And I think also men build it up in their minds more. Like if it doesn't, like they have it a certain way way and if it doesn't match what's in their head yeah and and stay connected at some point look at each other yeah you know he could be with the other woman but he sees me across the room i see his eyes across the room that connection that you have shows that your emotions are with each other and not with the people that you're with yeah for sure doesn't mean you got to be a robot like you know make it worth the person's while but i'm just saying there's it's still about the two of you yep well said that's it we'll see you in the next episode. If you're digging this, make sure to subscribe.
Speaker3: Leave us a review and follow us on TikTok at Dick and Dave. We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non-monogamy without the mess. New episodes every week. We'll see you next time.