Out of Your League? Not in the Lifestyle

Transcript

Speaker1: Think you're not hot enough for the lifestyle? Too average? Too old? Not what you think people are looking for? Think again. In this episode, we unpack how swinging isn't about being the hottest person in the room. It's about how you show up. Confidence, vibe, and how you make people feel will get you further than abs or a perfect ass ever will. We will talk about the simple things most people overlook, like grooming, hygiene, and not acting like a weirdo. Welcome to Not Swinging. I'm Dave Arena. And I'm Victoria Arena. We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22. We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like. Maybe this is our modern-day scarlet letter. But we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed. What's broken in today's relationship? Is monogamy even natural for humans? And could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be boating other people? This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations, especially monogamy. Subscribe to Coming Out Swinging, the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherfucking OGs. Okay, so today we're going to talk about being out of your league. Which really means, like, are you worried about whether you're hot enough? Are you going to fit in in this lifestyle? All those kinds of things. Which I believe just ends up dwindling down to confidence. Right. And I think we have a good perspective on this, being that we are of a certain age, too, because I think that can sometimes play into your head. It doesn't really, for me, because we get so many people that are like, I didn't know you were. you know like or what you know yeah look that age so i think for me the age factor is not a thing yeah but what i'm i i think it it it's kind of what is our point of this whole thing though is that it's really not a factor in a lot of ways yeah for sure so if people are thinking that that if that's something that would hold you back that's not necessarily the case right so exactly um and we're We're kind of being a little tongue-in-cheek talking about, you know, if we would pull this person in vanilla life or pulling people that we normally wouldn't. But we do kind of joke about that. But in our experience, we have, there's been a lot of times where we've gotten in the car and we've looked at each other and we were like, holy shit, like, did that just happen? Yeah, absolutely. I was like, what happened tonight? Right. And we'll get to some of those stories, right? But I think mainly, and I know you have a lot of commentary about this and a lot of thoughts and opinions. on this. But in the lifestyle, people aren't just looking at hotness. They're looking at vibe. They're looking at other things. And I think mainly it's how you carry yourself. Right. And I know you're big on that. Yeah, I'm huge on this because I'll tell you why. I went into the lifestyle being super not confident. Yeah. I thought, oh my God, people are going to, you know, like you, you just in my mind created this thing where I thought people were going to be talking about me. about me like why is she here in you know that kind of thing and then um when you go you have your first experience and then you end up like it's just kind of sparks a little thing in you where you're like oh i get what this is this is i i walk out the door to an event or for a club or something in this lifestyle where i am a i put on different clothes i wear different shoes i put the whole package together not that i don't tend to to be, you know, put packaged together on a daily basis, but I don't, I'm not out there wearing these dresses and these heels. It's kind of like you create this sexy persona of yourself and you're, and then I'm put together very well. Yeah. And the other point you're making about kind of when you go to these events or club, or even if you're meeting couples out is like, you're all there for the same reason. So the, the environment is different. Yeah. And trust me, not everybody does this. This is the ones that I want to just walk up, take under my wing and be like, oh, I could help you. But you don't do that. You know what I mean? Just because it's a very accepting world. And we talked about our age. But even back when we were younger, when we first started this, we were a lot heavier, both of us. And I only bring that up because, again, it doesn't really matter in a lot of ways. We still found success. We still had a lot of fun even back then. Yeah, we did. So I think, you know, in terms of putting yourself together, like what are your biggest do's and don'ts. And I know this, again, whenever we talk about this, this is just our opinions. There's going to be people that, hey, if it works for you, great. If you're comfortable with it, if you're fine with it. I think for me, like, you know, right off the bat is just kind of what I was just saying. Look like you give a damn. Yeah. People will notice. You come in there in stretch pants and flip flops and, you know, sports bra. They get it. Some girls look hot like that. But it's not club attire. It's not lifestyle attire. You look like you walked from your car getting gas to into a club. Yeah, now let's let's clarify that. That's obviously not if you're going to like, you know, flip flops would be appropriate if it was like a pool party or something, you know what I mean? But so we you know, let's let's just clarify. But you're talking about specifically like if you're going to a club or you're meeting someone out or what have you. And to be honest, we've seen a lot more. We've seen a lot worse than flip-flops. Oh, yeah. I mean, we've seen people in slides. Like, it looks like, yeah, it looks like they just, like, sweatpants. It just isn't, it's just not as sexy. That's my own personal opinion. Again, do what you want to do. I just see those people not doing super well. Like, if that's what you want to change into going home, great. Fab, you had a banging night. Yeah. We just, You can carry on a conversation. You come up and talk to people. Literally, if you did those things, you would be in the, what would you say, at least top 10%, if not higher than most single males, if you just did that alone, regardless of looks. I can't tell you how many, like, they've checked off one, two, three boxes, you know, and then it comes time, and then I get a whiff, and I'm like, I look at Dave, and I'm like, uh-uh, not doing this. If you can't make me, it's not happening. And I totally get it. I mean, there's even times where I, it just smells up the whole area. Yeah. And I'm just, and I could smell it right away and I'm not going down anywhere near anyone. You know what I mean? But just being in that same area and I'm just like, oh, I get it. Like I would not, you know, and I'm kind of a clean freak or a neat freak anyhow. These places offer you all the cleanliness there is. Right. There's showers, there's wipes, there's towels. Yeah. I mean, you name it. they put it out there for you mouthwash half the time i mean we've done even private events like at hotels and we've always joked where it's like where did they think they were going like you know where you're going yeah you're literally going somewhere like to you know what i'm saying introduce like i'm like that we have a man counter yeah like you put it all out clean up yourself you know but yeah you have no problems no i have no problem saying that because you're not bringing anything Yeah, but I would say though, like getting back to where when you look at, I just always think it's a interesting phenomenon that, and we've talked about this, like how you can, whether it's age related, whether it's looks related, and I know that's all like looks is subjective, right? But there are times where just being in the right environment, in the right circumstance, in the moment where it's it's just unbelievable what kind of experiences we have and i know this i agree to some this may sound shitty because it may sound like we're like like we're um like we don't have very much confidence in ourselves but we and it's not that we don't think that we're attractive or you know but i guess from our point of view is we've always we both grew up like with not a lot of boyfriends girlfriends and we and we all we let's face it let's be honest we both were like the fat kid yeah so So it's like we grew up with that stigma as well. So you have body issues, you have confidence issues when it comes to physical appearance and being sexually attractive, I guess, if we're just being honest with each other, you know, and we've had that conversation. Maybe we're, maybe we have a little dysmorphia going on where we don't really see, like we do put ourselves, not put ourselves down, but you get what I'm saying. Like we... In the beginning, we definitely did. Yeah, but I just think... So it's not that... I mean, I don't want to sit there and say that we're not attractive people. I mean, obviously, that has to be a factor. But I also think that, again, just our way of people gravitate toward us, whether it's our personality, whether we're easy to approach, just our vibe. We like to think we're friendly. We get along with people. I think that's a really big thing that you just said there because I one of the things that I really have always had going for me is I have a like I'm I'm friendly like I'm like super like I'm the party girl like you know let's do a shot or yeah you're opposite of me when I come yeah if I approach people and be like you know show that confidence that way I don't know a lot of times we would get as far ahead as we do because you don't talk to anybody so it's almost like I'm like that wing woman that's going out there and floating about and talking to everybody and so forth. Yeah. In fact, that's something that I've always admired about you because as self-conscious as you can be about the physical appearance at times, mostly your body, really. And again, that comes from struggles with weight, just like I, because I understand it. Yeah. You are super confident when it comes to your personality and your ability to socialize. In other words, you will go up to anyone anytime. In fact, sometimes I'm even like, and I know I'm wrong. I know it's my issues. That is why I'm doing it is where I'm like, oh, like, you're like, oh, no, watch this. I'm going to go up and I'm going to strike it. And I'm like, oh, really? Like, do you think you should? You know, I mean, you've you've heard me say that so many times that you're like, it drives you nuts because you're like, well, who cares? Like, I will send Dave. Well, kid you not to a bathroom. I think you should go to the bathroom. There's minglers mingling around us. They've probably been told to go over and give us a talk. But Dave just sits there with like, you know, I don't want to say anything. And I think they kind of pick up on the energy. So I'm like, why don't you go for a walk? Send him on a walk. Then I can invite them in to sit down. Then by the time he comes back, you know, to one to two couples are sitting with us. Yeah, because your confidence actually makes me cringe because I am and you know what it is. It's just I have that fear of rejection thing. And that's my thing. I still make it. but at least we're talking to people and you know it puts out this bolt of energy I guess you could say well and that's what's funny though is like so many times you're well as usual you're so right in the situation in the moment it's not that things haven't happened with someone that we wanted to or whatever but a lot of times it does like I remember we were in we were in a club what temptations in New York City and we met this Swedish couple. The male was Asian and the female was, I don't know, it's classic Swedish. I mean, yeah, no, I mean, blue eyes, like blonde hair, like, yeah, but she was, I mean, they were just that stunning, beautiful couple. Yeah. In fact, when we walked in there, the bartender was even like talking to us about them because we were, we had gotten there early. They were there early there, you know, in from, you know, on vacation, obviously. Um, and it was almost like, one of those things where, and not to be insulting, but it's like, not your normal crowd, right? Like they stuck out like a sore thumb. And I was just like, wow. And once again, you kind of just, you know, you're the party starter. Not just the party starter, like you said with shots, but the conversation starter. Especially when you're really good at knowing like, okay, it may be uncomfortable for us to go up to someone or be rejected, But you feel like, well, they're even more uncomfortable just sitting here not knowing anybody. So I'm going to be the one at the very least to talk, to have a conversation. No expectation. Interesting fact. I mean, after that night, my whole perspective on the, like, the European thing changed because they're just so much more open anyways. They think that's everybody's. Yeah. So that aside, they were still, like, scoping it out for weirdos and whatever else. But she just, her and I hit it off. Like, right away, we just, you could tell she wanted to have a good time. He was like, whatever she wants, we're doing, you know, that type of thing. It was just a really fun night. Like, they really got to it. Yeah, and I also think it's hot, too, and this is, this may come off the wrong way to some that are listening to this. I think you'll understand what I'm saying. There is something really hot to me where you have a good-looking couple, you know, good-looking dude or whatever, and he's really into you and i don't know if it's because it's like a different body type sometimes or like you know like they like your curves because maybe yeah their chick is hot but she didn't have like your assets let's say you know what i mean yeah get what i'm saying yeah yeah he was definitely yeah he was definitely into me he was that was a great time but you get what i'm saying it's almost like it's something different yeah than what they're they visit the US they contact us and find out what state we're in so that they can come visit yeah and they actually did come back for another one which was yeah so even that was really cool is that we've remained you know friendly with them and also the fact that it wasn't just like in the moment one and done hot it was like you know obviously they enjoyed themselves yeah you know what I mean which was really cool but I remember that day because it's like it's almost like that reaction in the club even if you can't hear people but you almost are like it's almost like that hush hush feeling of like holy shit like they're getting them even the bartender made that comment yeah she was like high-fiving us like they were in front of us and she's like high-fiving me like girl get it yeah she's like oh i would have liked to watch that he literally said that to us he's like i'd love to watch this yeah and you know sometimes it's also and again sometimes these things feel like i can imagine someone who's not in the lifestyle listening to like some of this stuff and being like that doesn't sound that sounds weird but the other thing is like sometimes it's the guy that's really into you a lot of times and that's just my way in the door for sure and we've come to accept that I don't care sometimes we're that couple anyways yeah like sometimes you're really into her and I'm like okay I'm gonna make this happen for you yeah because I remember sometimes I'm like I'm not taking one for the team no you're right it does go both ways because I remember one time we were in in New York City. And remember those newlyweds? Oh, yeah. And they talked to us. We kind of got a good vibe from them, but that doesn't always mean anything, right? Like, you can get a good vibe from someone and talk with them, and then nothing may happen, or you may never even see them again throughout the night. But we were talking to them, and they were like, oh, we're newlyweds. We're here on, you know, our honeymoon. And we were like, at first, you know, us being seasoned veterans, we're just like, oh, that's probably not, we're just probably wasting a lot of time talking to them, you know what I mean? But didn't know what was going to happen. And then she ended up being a freak, very good looking. She started messing around. And then and then what was weird about her is she was telling people like, oh, no, like you can feel on me. I'll do certain things. But like the sex is only for my husband, like doing that whole thing. And then she gave in. She gave in. Yeah. It ended up being just like a whole thing. like twister bed of bodies right and you get you bowed out because that wasn't really your scene no you were watching from the couch and i actually bowed out because sometimes when it gets to be too much for me it's just too especially with my adhd in those moments like it's just too much around too much stimulation and it was very uncomfortable and people were just being very aggressive or what have you so i backed out and then you kind of gave me the nudge like where things were dying down and she was still wearing a go and i went over there and just had a great experience but again i feel like those are a couple examples of women that i just i don't know like i don't maybe i don't give myself enough credit but i feel like if i was on the street or on an app or something like a big swipe left yeah is that the bad one is that the no is that the no no i agree but it is it's like you know and then so you're right it goes that way but then what I'm talking about is like a lot of times a lot of times more times than not it's the guy of the couple wanting to get you we've started we've had that happen almost every time and that's where we have no shame in our game like I don't care if that's my hey if you're if you're hot and I'm attracted to you and that's my way in like you're like well don't get me I shouldn't say that right because you know I have to have a certain like you have to be somewhat into it even into the moment you don't have to be in the You know what I mean? Yeah. Or else I feel like, eh. So I'm not saying we've had those situations where the woman wasn't into it or wasn't into me. But you could definitely tell it's more skewed to the side of like, she's, I don't know if it's, I do not want to think of myself as like the take one for the team person, like she had to take one for the team. But like, I think it's more where her man wanted you for sure. Right. And I just kind of got the benefit of it, which I don't care. I think I know who you're thinking of when you talk about this. I mean, there's been several. Yeah. Yeah. And the interesting thing about them is not only is he into me, I have a great time when I've played with him, which, you know, it's far and few between. But she tends to really like my assets, too. And she knows that I like to just play, not whatever. That's true. With this situation. She's always like, I'll get her ready. Yeah, that's a little bit different. because she's also into you and into women, too. Yeah. But when they I remember it was a slow night. Nothing much was happening. And we were doing our own thing on the bed. And they had come over and watched on the couch right in front of us, which sometimes people do, even if there's just because there's not enough room or nothing else is going on. So they're going to sit there and watch. And I noticed there was almost one of those. I know you'll you remember this where it was almost like one. Not only was nothing going on, but like no one. we were really attracted to like kind of an average night and then she stuck out like a sore thumb just out of nowhere yeah definitely and i was like what is going on and then they you know that moment where you're like are they kind of into watching us or like are they like or are they just into themselves people like that though that watch us for a long time and then at the end they're like i'm so into watching yeah you guys were so hot and we're like we put on a great show like we get that we get that often and i think that's where where we were talking about where our self-conscious thing comes in because we almost don't believe we're almost like oh really like even though that's our thing and we do it it's always surprising to hear someone say that totally you know and but yeah with them and then they started coming over onto the corner of the bed and then we sit here even then i didn't think anything would i'm like okay and then you got to be careful about the bait and switchers you know what i mean where it's like they they want to make it seem like it's a foursome and then it's not the dude just gets into you you know like you takes off for the right you got to watch those situations but no everything just happened and i was like holy shit and not only was she super hot but again and i hate to always bring up age i'm really i don't know if i'm getting more self-conscious about age because i'm a male and it's kind of like you don't want to be the old creepy dude you know what i mean but it's like very young they're younger younger and we've had a lot of that too, right? A lot of guys and girls that are way younger than we would ever, probably ever even entertain. Like even in our own mind, sometimes we look at each other when we get in the car and we're like, I don't even want to know. Yeah. But it's again, the environment you're in that makes it a difference because that's either they're looking for those kinds of experiences or they're just looking for a experience no matter what. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. I mean, And we keep our standards high. Yeah, I'm not suggesting that we... At least I try and set my standards high by the way I even come in there, you know? Yeah, and I'm not saying that we shouldn't. I'm just saying that if, like, and don't get me wrong, there's been a lot of great-looking, fine couples that are our own age and that are just average-looking. There's been some where we're like, don't know if I'd actually... Like, you say it more so, right? A guy that you've played with where, because it was hot in the moment, but you probably you wouldn't have swiped right correct yes you're very right do you get what I'm saying yeah and I yeah and it's I'm okay like we joke around right because what we do and what we're into and what kinks I have with we we do a lot of you do a lot of things with single guys and that's obviously a lot easier to do is it well it happens more often it does but I feel sometimes we're pushing the envelope there because I would veto probably about a lot of them No, I'm not saying you wouldn't. I'm just saying as a percentage of like the chance, the probability of something happening is a lot higher because of what we're into and because just the way single dudes are. And it's easier to get a single dude involved. But I'm OK with that. We always joke around, right? Like four to six times a year. I have probably a good experience with another female, but it's been my track record has been pretty. When you think about the quality over quantity, I guess. It's been pretty impressive. First of all, I'm not sending you with some busted Betty. Yeah, exactly. Like the ones you're getting me after. Ew. Because that's another thing. Like so many people like don't. We've talked about this before on other episodes where they don't leave too much to the imagination. And I think you think we would be more understanding of like someone who say isn't in perfect shape because we've struggled with. But I think we We go the opposite. We're like, you've got to have awareness. Yes. It's like a social awareness that they lack. You know, leave a little to the imagination. We don't want to see it all out. I leave a lot to the imagination, but I show the right things. Right. Like, I know nobody wants to see this running around like in a thong. Exactly. I have complete and utter social awareness. Yeah. I mean, you just have to. But I don't know. What would you kind of end this on if you were to just give your... your do's and don'ts. Don't show up sloppy. You're big on that. Don't hover. Yeah. And don't be subnoxious where you're trying to oversell. Yeah. And that's not just single guys. I could go for couples as well. Okay. So what would be your final takeaway here then for those that are specifically afraid to jump in because of being self-conscious or lacking confidence? I guess couples who feel like they're not lifestyle material. Use some of these notes and create this confidence to be where you know you'll be able to survive this world and this lifestyle. Knowing that you give a shit when you come into a club and you're dressed the part and you are there to have fun and you're not so angst up on anxiety, you're open minded and everything else. It's all confidence stricken things. And I think that also goes back to something else we've said before, where if you go in with no expectations, that also helps. You're going out to have a good time with your significant other and just radiate that. Yeah, for sure. And you'll attract the right people. Yeah. Fun, trust, and confidence. Yeah. Well, I think that's going to be it for this episode. We'll see you next time. If you're digging this, make sure to subscribe. Leave us a review and follow us on TikTok at Dick and Dave. We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non-monogamy without the mess. New episodes every week. We'll see you next time.