Swinging Didn’t Fix Us—It Freed Us

Transcript

In this episode, we're getting real about how we got into the lifestyle. We weren't struggling, we weren't bored, our sex life was already damn good, maybe too good. We'll talk about how curiosity evolved from real sex on HBO to pillow talk and playful boundaries. Why communication and honesty were the keys from the start. How Dave's solo habits opened up space for deeper trust between us. Whether you're already swinging or just starting to have the conversation, this is the story that shows it doesn't have to start from struggle. Welcome to Coming Out Swinging.

A raw, real look at modern relationships. I'm Dave Arena. And I'm Victoria Arena. We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22. We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like. Maybe this is our modern day scarlet letter. But we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed. What's broken in today's relationships?

Is monogamyamy even natural for humans and could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be owning other people this show explores how love sex and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations especially monogamy subscribe to coming out swinging the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherf motherfucking OGs. All right, so this episode we're going to get into why we started swinging. Yeah, why did we? No, I'm just kidding. It's a good question.

I think our origin story is a little, well, I don't want to say it's different, but we were newly married within, what, less than two years, right? Yeah. Now, we had been together for a few years before that. Correct. But we were not, I mean, it wasn't like we were married forever and trying to spice things up or. No. I mean, we already had a really good sex life. I mean, I believe.

Yeah, lot of fun we weren't like we weren't like boring whatsoever yeah we never had that problem and so it wasn't like something was broken at the time it wasn't even really to spice things i mean i guess you could say to spice things up anything we ever did was to spice things up but i don't think we felt like we needed it always at the time. I think at the time we always, we were just like a regular normal couple. Like, you know, you do things to keep it spicy in the bedroom or not so mundane. And, you know, I'm, you know, not just lay there, I guess you could say.

And we've never been ones for like stroking each other's hair and staring into each other's eyes, you know? So I think it was just something we always tried to enhance, everything we did. Yeah, I think it started, when I think back at some of the things that started us off, and it's, we're going to be dating ourselves here, but we would watch, like, Real Sex on HBO. Yeah, and for you, for those of you that don't know, HBO had a late night show called real sex.

Like it was maybe every Friday night or every Saturday night or something like that came out once a week and they delved into like, it was like reality.

So they went to like, you know, bunny ranches or they went to strip clubs or they, you know, taxi cab confessions and all all kinds of things and it just was real sex life stuff that was out there that people thought probably was taboo at that time yeah and whether we were into whatever it was or not we were so into the show because i think we were like we loved the fact that all these different things could push boundaries yeah yeah and it just something it just, something spoke to us even back then. Yeah.

And I don't remember specifically if there, if there was anything specific on swinging that got us from the show, or it was just the show in general showing all the different possibilities. Yeah. And I think, you know, it showed even then like women going with their husbands to like strip clubs. Right.

And I think initially like that was something that we tried in the very beginning as well like we tried toys which you know we had a lot of fun with toys but i don't know that it was necessarily always our thing yeah we had like a phase yeah like it was fun for you know when it lasted but then you evolve again you it's an evolution, sexual evolution, I think, when you're in a couple that wants to be adventurous and just, you know, see or try different things.

Yeah, what's interesting about that is I believe the more we evolved and when we actually did cross the line into swinging, I think the excitement of real, this sounds horrible, real life or not toys right yeah made the toys obsolete and i i don't want to say because i and that's with all due respect to people that still love toys or still like i still think there could be a great thing there could be a place for that people do swinging with toys and incorporate it i think for us it was like the toys were more like we were using them for fantasies yeah and i think i mean now if you look at where we evolved for swinging it's people are our toys in in in a yeah very respectful way and i don't ever want to be yeah i don't we always said we'll be like honest and transparent i don't i don't want to be crude But like whether it was size different size of toys or different races of toys toys have races yeah no i mean i guess you can you can get you can get it in yeah for sure but it started with those we were using the toys for those kind of fantasies and then when we had the real fantasies we didn't need the we didn't need the toys anymore right and then i think the last part of it is then the pillow talk the pillow talk from there about the different scenarios the communication we had with each other through pillow talk was quite spicy yeah you know what i mean we kept it real with what if people don't know what pillow talk is i mean i think that's selfish but we never want to assume i mean i guess i can layman's the term you know definition that for you uh i would say pillow talk is when you're being intimate and you're it's you know it's that sexy talk it's that like you know he whispers a fantasy you whisper a fantasy or you say oh yes or i i want to see this or I can picture you doing that.

That's Pillow Talk. Right. So we started talking about the different fantasies, like with other people. Yeah. Maybe not specific people, but just like. No, yeah, just in general. But like, yeah. That's how. And you eventually got to specific people, but. Right. So I think that's how it started.

And then there was another component as well and you know and you know and then also i think there were some other things going on as well just based on my past and i'll let you kind of get into that okay so why don't you give the background on you okay yeah i'll start with it okay so i only had one relationship before you, as you know, which was not a very good relationship, short lived, so I don't even consider that. I'd like to black it out.

But when I say only relationship, like I'm talking high school, like never dated anyone, never had a girlfriend, never went to any dances, like nothing. Right. And so growing up basically single, when I was started working and had some money, like I was on my own.

So whether it was porn or going to strip clubs or going to, again, dating myself back to the like video arcades and the stuff when you used used to be able to buy movies and stuff now oh yeah the younger generation knows nothing about this yeah those were like you know I had my independence those and I think those habits they showed up early in our marriage and like that's where I want you to go with it like where i think it wasn't that i didn't know about them because you were we were pretty clear i mean like i knew about porn and i knew about you went to strip clubs i mean those were talks we had i kind of had you know a typical we were young too when we got married i mean like you know early 20s so like I had always in the back of my head a typical you know female thing what if this could get what if this could become more so why can't I have a conversation with my husband and say wouldn't it be hotter if I was involved like why can't we watch it together why can't we go to the strip club together?

We saw it as people do it on real sex, you know, whatever. We started having these conversations that were probably a little uncomfortable for you. But I was really good at, I believe, making you think about this. Think outside the box. Yeah. So would it be fair to say that it wasn't like what you said? It wasn't I wasn't hiding it. No. Necessarily. No. But you would say part of that was fear, fear of like. What could this develop into if you, if that was the only thing you wanted to keep to yourself, you know what I mean? Or could it escalate to further things? Yeah, absolutely.

I 100% had those things in my head. And then the really cool thing, though, I think for both of us, is that it turned into something that may have started as a fear or something where it's like, let's talk about this. And you've always been like that. You're a confronter. You're someone who likes things out in the open. You like to talk about it.

I'm more a little bit dave likes to sweep it under the rug and hide it yeah so but it became surprisingly to me at least this is what started our whole journey because it became exciting it became exciting that we could have those conversations and we can also share in those things together absolutely yeah even stupid stuff that it started with like you would on social media or whatever you would you know or even in public you would you would be the like oh check her out where most guys are getting hit upside the head if they check out a girl right and then so even like i know that sounds stupid but like that started making me feel like like we have something that most couples don't have.

Like we can we can play like that. We can joke like that. And then it became even further, like social media, you follow like models or you'd be like, oh, you need to check her out. And like it wouldn't even be on my radar. And now I'm following all these. You know what? I have to say, now that I look back on it, the more I could see you kind of get like excited about that in your eyes or like, whoa, did she just point that person out to me type of thing? I could see your reaction. It was almost boy-like.

But then it gives me some sort of an empowerment a little bit like, ha ha, he wants to do this with me. He's not going to go out with the guys.

Like he'd rather, he's got his's got his wife at home he can you know we can go and do this together type of thing and that's what surprised me is how much i got into that and then so then the next level when we actually started going to like strip clubs that was insane because it wasn't like couples didn't go i think it's probably more common now oh yeah than back then yeah you got groups of girls that They'll just by themselves back then we still would get the reaction from like the doormen and stuff or the or the the women and they would be like oh this is so cool that you guys go together yeah so again it gave me it gave us that sense of like oh we're doing stuff that most couples don't do and i think that built the foundation for being completely open, completely judgment free.

The communication level before we had even started anything physical, before we had started swinging or swapping or any of that, just on this foundation, that's what started the communication at a deep, deep level. Yeah, completely agree.

And also it took away the shame and not having to have any secrets either and when i say shame like even though i say that i did all that when i was single i think there's always like a little bit of a like i think that's why you kind of hide porn and so i think that's why guys hide porn because it's like it's you know it's supposed to be under the bed yeah and even if you're single doing it on your own you still feel like i really shouldn't in a drive on your computer yeah like so i think it just opened all of that up and like the trust level and i think it also eliminated and i know this is going to sound and maybe you had a fear that this would go there eventually whether it's's cheating or will it turn into something physical?

I think it really did eliminate the need for any of that. Now, I don't know if I ever would have gone down that road because you just don't know. Right. So I'm not going to be naive and say, oh, I never would have done that because who knows? Yeah. But I definitely could say 22 years later in the lifestyle that it has eliminated the need to go outside because we do it all together. Correct. And that's what I find to be. And even like the communication, like I said, that's the best non-sexual benefit, I think, is that we can talk about things that most couples don't talk about.

And we see a lot of couples that do not communicate. I'm not talking about swinger couples. I'm talking about vanilla couples who they're not intimate. They're not talking to each other at all, let alone talk at the level that we do about the stuff we talk about. Correct. And I just think that that's been the biggest difference on this whole journey.

But even starting back then, like this is, I guess what I'm saying is, even before we started getting into the lifestyle, just the pillow talk, just the other things we were doing, totally allowed us to be like, oh, there's something here where we can keep evolving and keep going, because we felt like the trust and the communication were on a whole nother level. Yeah, I completely agree. So I think for us, you know, where, you know, where we were at at that point was we were leaning into a connection that we definitely already had, which was great. We were aligned. We were being adventurous.

We were being honest and open with each other. And, you know, it started to build so much extra curiosity and trust. And we were just building on top of that. It was like almost like building a pyramid, I think, for us. Yeah. And the next logical step was then to jump into the jump in full go to the swinger pool and like that.

But when i look back on it it's funny because we'll get into our evolution once we were in the lifestyle of how we kept making like we kept experimenting with things to make it more exciting yeah but when i look back on it we started that way we started with the little like we didn't realize it but even before the swinger lifestyle it was like these little steps that each step was getting a little more exciting a little more open and a little bit more and then finally we were at the point where none of this other stuff was giving us i don't want to say it wasn't giving us the excitement but eventually it kind of wore like the strip clubs especially when you're paying for stuff we're just like why are we like yeah spending all this money i think just the next logical step was then like okay maybe we should look into this and the pillow talk got more heated and more graphic and more real more exciting yeah and then we just you know yeah took the plunge right which definitely we'll get into the next episode how we got into it in our first time and, this was the buildup.

Right. This was the. But I think, again, it wasn't even the physical stuff as much as it was. What surprised us was the level of our communication that we were like, oh, this is kind of cool. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So I mean, your relationship doesn't have to be broken to explore your sexual fantasies, whether it's swinging, whether it it doesn't have to be swinging like even if yeah um and i think any time you feel strong enough with your foundation of what you have as a couple it's you're just making yeah you're just making it better your experience your experiences um whether it's in the privacy of your own bedroom or you're planning on you know jumping off the ledge and trying other things and i think that that's when you have that level of trust and communication and you're doing things together and you're realizing what you're getting out of it both of you that's when you have a higher chance of lasting even if you do decide to go further into the physical yeah when i say physical meaning you're actually going to go into those non-monogamous world you know so you know i think i mean what's some advice you would give in terms of like i mean i think my my personal advice would be to talk early talk often yeah you're, you're good at that.

Get curious together. It can be uncomfortable at first, but make it fun. Yeah. Curious is a great word. Yeah. Because I think that's what we're getting at, no matter what it was we were into. Yeah. Even, like, we started with the real sex, right? For us, it was that was the curiosity builder. Like, that was like, Ooh, even if we weren't into certain things, we're like, Oh, that's kind of cool that someone else is into that, you know? Yeah. And, you know, I think, um, I'm not trying to like tout whatever, but I mean, I was a good girl.

So like things you saw in real sex, I was like, that fricking exists. Yeah. What the hell? Yeah. You know, and it just led to really like fun talks and talks and you know and i think as long as there's that open book of communication that you really have with a solid foundation um it can be a lot of fun it really can yeah i think so and i i think it's really about just expanding yeah you know expanding the relationship expanding what you're both into and also learning more about what each other is into. Yeah.

You know, expanding the relationship, expanding what you're both into, and also learning more about what each other is into, which has also surprised us along the way, which we'll get into in other episodes as well. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well, I think that's going to be it for this episode of Coming Out Swingin'. Thanks. We'll see you guys next time. If you're digging this, make sure to subscribe, leave us a review and follow us on TikTok at Dick and Dave. We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non-monogamy without the mess. New episodes every week. We'll see you next time.