Messies, Mentors, and Muthafukkin’ OGs

Transcript

Speaker1: In this episode, we're kicking things off by sharing why we're finally stepping up to the mic after 22 years in the lifestyle. And we're going to talk about the couple that mentored us early on and showed us how to actually last in non-monogamy. The moment we realized we couldn't stay quiet anymore. Spoiler, it involved a messy foursome and TikTok drama. And why we're not your lifestyle gurus, but we are the OGs who've seen what works, what blows up, and what you really need to know. Whether you're only fantasizing about swinging or just starting in the game, this episode will help you navigate your journey with clarity, confidence, and hopefully way fewer red flags. Welcome to Come Out Swinging. A raw, real look at modern relationships. I'm Dave Arena. And I'm Victoria Arena. We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22. We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like. Maybe this is our modern day scarlet letter. But we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed. What's broken in today's relationships? Is monogamy even natural for humans? And could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be boning other people? This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the in, you know, social atmospheres, clubs, hotels, you know, takeovers, or wherever we go um and i don't know if it always is because we have safe written across our forehead or you know we just look friendly or we're part of the tour i have no idea we look somewhat normal for swingers whatever swingers are supposed to look like yeah exactly we are it is funny because we've in in the club environment we have been part of the tour where people they'll be giving the newbies the tour and then they're like oh just talk to Dave or Vic you know they've been in this forever what's funny is we've even been we've even been playing in the open when people are like when people get in the tour and we're like the caged animals they're walking by yeah we're just like hey like come talk to us wait till till after. We'll be out in five. Yeah. I think what, in my opinion, I think what most people see is they're like, this looks like a normal happy couple that have made this last for so long. I think that's really the key. Because obviously people don't know that necessarily right off the bat. Agreed. But once we start talking to people, they're like, yes, this is what we we want how do we make this last for so long and how have you guys made this last for so long especially when you're just starting out yeah they really don't want this to fizzle in any sort of way yeah and they don't want to fuck up and i think the people that ask us really do have good intentions they're asking for that reason alone like so i think it's kind of cool you know to to get asked yeah and certain people well you're you're very good at reading yeah i mean it's not for the right reason yeah you're good at reading people and situations so you know right away you're like you know not that we necessarily tell people that right sometimes you have very true because we've been doing this so long i think in person we've always had people come up to us but there's another reason why we're doing this where you were like i need we need to start this yeah we need to we need to share our story i think for me it was i went down the rabbit hole of swinger tiktok and what i saw astounded me and i was like these people have been in it for like a hot second and they're giving advice to newbies and if i were a newbie i'd run for the hills because you know i mean we can get into it later we've got actual specific stories that i can talk about but like a lot of messy very messy and that should not be what you the advice you should be taking yeah this was whatsoever this was mostly during the pandemic right yeah where yeah we couldn't go you couldn't go out to the clubs they were shut down you were going down this rabbit hole everyone you would show me you were just more and more being i was enraged i was like these people are crazy and they were so confident too and from a mile away we're like oh no this is gonna be a train wreck like the you had like the really messy situation or then you had like a guy giving like women advice and i'm like this is just so wrong on every level yeah that's why i even like you talking etiquette i even like you talking more on this because i just i have this weird thing where the more the guy is involved, it's a woman's world. It really is. We've run the game for sure.
Speaker2: Yeah.
Speaker1: And I don't, I'm, I'm really, it's kind of cringy to even think of, I don't want to be thought of as mentors. I don't want to be, we don't want to be preachy.
Speaker2: You know what?
Speaker1: All we want to do is really share our story, share our stories to see if people can relate and if people can take things that have worked. And also we have also, we have seen a lot of situations that have blown up. Yeah, we've seen a lot of sinking ships. And we've learned what gives you a better chance of surviving in this thing. Absolutely. And those red flags that are like, you know, again, you're so good for this because you read situations so well. And there's been so many times where you're like, oh, that's not going to last. And there's times where I'm even like naive. And I'm like, really? You think that? And you're like, no, trust me. And you're always spot on. So it's like anything we can share through our experience, but mostly just sharing our stories. We're not claiming we're like perfect. But we are definitely here to be honest and transparent and real, for sure. Yeah. So speaking of mentors, quote unquote mentors. First of all, this couple wouldn't even know they're consider them mentors. I think it's funny, actually. But we did meet a couple early on after we had our first time, and they kind of exposed us to... And it was not with them. No, right. It was not with them, and we've never really done anything with them in terms of play. But they were older than us, and they ended up really exposing us to a lot of different things. You know, house parties. Stuff we didn't know existed. Yeah, clubs. because we were so new yeah we were we had only met one couple we were just doing the couple only dating thing um so but what what i really want to talk about here though is that they were mentors in a sense that without even knowing it where we saw a lot of us in them yes their professionals were meaning professional like in their jobs in the world you know they had a family they had kids and i think more so they were kind of that ride or die yeah that we always felt we were in other words they you could tell they had a deep love they were still madly in love with respect for each other yeah for sure um but they knew their boundaries they knew their rules they knew what they liked and there was just a clear sense of that yeah absolutely and i think it just taught us what that really looked like from not only from that perspective from the boundaries and knowing you're, you know, what knowing what your rules and your boundaries are, but also knowing like how to evolve and how to communicate. There's a whole evolution to this. Like, so you, you know, you start with like, you know, we're only going to do this, this and this. But then when we met them, we're like, they're like, oh, but you can try this or you can see what's here, you know, things like that. And it was just it was kind of wild to know that we hadn't even branched out and thought about any of that. Yeah, for sure. And I, I think one of the stories, even though this happened many years after we met them, and we had been in the lifestyle for a long time. But one great story that encapsulates what we're talking about is we were at one of their private parties and there was a, well, you tell the story because she was, I was, I was next to you, but like you guys were talking, you and the female half of the mentor couple you were talking. Yeah, there was the younger, younger very just probably considered very smoking hot young female at the party and her husband was just drooling over this this girl and this girl just came to him like fly on flypaper i think and just saw this beautiful place they were having this party at and you know they're, they're the ones throwing it. So maybe this is whose ass I should kiss type of thing. And she was just pouring it on extra heavy with this guy. And, you know, I think they eventually started to play. And we're watching this all unfold, her and I. And she leans over to me and said, you know, something around the fact that, you know this one time this one time this sugar baby's gonna get him but it's never happening anywhere after this right and I think that was just her way of laying the groundwork like have fun today beer right like I'm not like the reason why that's such a great story is because we've we've been in those situations so many times where especially like someone thinks they're getting over on you or you know and they don't think you communicate it just shows that level of communication that she knows that i'm not going to deny him this chance with the hot young chick one time so that he can he can he doesn't have any regrets right right because you know that that's going to be part of it yeah but she also knew what was really going on however there was another part of that wasn't there where the reason she thought that is because not only was she kissing their ass but wasn't she like calling them like over and over like yeah starting to like starting to like get a hold of them i'm on the list am i not you know right remember it was like almost stalker yeah very fangirl yeah and she and again it's it's that recognition right it's that recognition of like i don't care if you're a hot chick like i know what's going on here and it was just so funny to like in youtube both like again you also being someone who knows knows how to read in agreement because I would have handled it the same way. But it was just such a great, it was just so perfect for her to do that because it just summed them up. And that's how she ran that shit. Respected that. Like, yeah, I'm going to get my one time. I'm going to be able to say I have the hot stick, but that's it. He had a great night. That's it. She called it at that. Now that we talked about what it looks like, what healthy looks like, let's get into the disasters. There's a lot of disasters. There are. But specifically, I want you to tell the story of, there were, like you said, we talked about this. You went down the TikTok rabbit hole, but there was one specific foursome that got you so frazzled you were like yeah we need to start this podcast yeah so i mean obviously we will not reveal names or anything if you've been around for a while you might even know who we're talking about is this where we put the legal disclaimer if if there's any similarities between real people and situations we're not however there was a not trying to get sued exactly but it was so messy it's still so messy We'll be right back. similarities between real people and situations were not however there was a not trying to get sued exactly but it was so messy it's still so messy i mean it still carried on this was in 2020 during the pandemic i stumbled upon a foursome and they were like you know strictly i don't know they said they went to event swinger events and things like that but they only traveled together as the foursome and then they were doing these tic tacs all together right like all well they would be different yeah but the one you showed me the one time it was all four of them like crammed in yeah they were all crammed in together and talking about you know whatever and then then they started trailing off and like the one wife would be with the one husband not they're not you know the other married the other married partner, like they would, and then they would do tick those TikToks together while the other husband and wife did TikTok separately. So now they're doing TikTok separately with the other spouses. And it was getting kind of like, because then like the one husband was paying for the other wife's mommy makeover, like full body mommy, mommy makeover, like craziness stuff. And the other, his actual wife is like, like well you didn't even do this for me type of stuff right it was just getting crazy like then you know she's getting the mommy makeover chicks now getting angry with her husband because he gives attention to the other chick that she doesn't get but maybe she'll get it now that she's getting a mom makeover paid for by husband number whatever over there and it just was getting messier and messier the more you watched it daily and i think when you you had been following them for a while and i think when correct me if i'm wrong but i think when you showed it to me they were wasn't one of them like either maybe not moving in were they moving in or but they were sleeping but they were staying over like their houses yeah they were spending the night they were flip-flopping and I don't know. Wasn't one of them, like, either, maybe not moving in. Were they moving in? But they were staying over, like, their houses or something? Yeah, they were spending the night. They were flip-flopping and going. Yeah, and that's when we knew. Taking, like, nights off with the other one's spouse. And I said to him, I said, this is going to go so backwards. And you actually said they would be divorced. You're like, they're going to be divorced in a couple months. I knew it. And I agreed, because, like, anytime you get emotions involved emotions involved and you start yeah and there were a lot of emotions involved people getting pissed off every other day and i don't care whatever anyone wants to say like i'm sure there's people that have made poly work forever people will come at us we don't do emotions no we'll get into that in other episodes but anytime you add emotions to it and you start doing things like separately, especially if you're not on the same page with the other, with your partner, it's a recipe for disaster. But anyhow, you said they'll be divorced within a couple months. You actually were, you actually gave them more credit because what was it like three weeks later? Yeah, I tried to give them a little bit of extended time quicker than I thought. Because I remember you running in and going, Oh, my God, they're not only are they divorcing, they're with each other. So they were with each other's partners, too. Yeah. And then since then, like, because it was just so bad. They divorced, they got with each other's partner. And then the one one wife and husband broke up me, they lasted maybe six months and just figured it wasn't working. The other ones, they were the, this husband and the wife of the other couple were so crazy. No wonder their spouses were like, good, we'll just be with each other. They were all sorts of wackadoo, but like they tried to make it work and it went into legal things. And, you know, I mean, we're talking all kinds of stuff. And it's still carrying over on TikTok, because she just can't let go of him. He just can't let go of her. And it's just still messy to this day. Right. And it was the other part. And the moral of the story is you called it out way before it happened. Yeah, for sure. And this is what this podcast is all about. Yeah. I mean, even like down to like people giving advice when they're just like brand new we've seen those too yeah and you know there's nothing wrong with like i'll respect someone who if you're just going to be messy just be messy and you're going to show it like that's interesting or i've seen where newbies are like hey we're going to take this we're jumping into this journey this pool and we're just just gonna document our journey that's cool too that's a cool angle but don't act like you're some don't be a professional when you're not a professional especially with relationships in general when you you're on like your third marriage or you're like you're trying to be you know a relationship coach and you're a mess yourself like you're yeah i just yeah it's it's uh sometimes a wild thing to see you should not be accepting advice from people that are rookies right in my opinion or a hot mess themselves exactly i mean we're a hot mess i mean i'm a hot mess about a lot of things in different ways right yeah in good ways right so hopefully you enjoyed the pilot episode this podcast. Yeah. And that's really what it's going to be about, right? Like real stories, real lessons, just whatever. Tools, tricks of the trade. Stuff we wish we had known when we started. Yeah. And definitely mistakes we made so that you don't have to. Or other people's mistakes that we obviously have never made and we want you to not make. Right. Well, we lot more of those and even like some you know we're gonna swing your etiquette like how to talk to your partner communication is obviously big and it's definitely going to be for like you know the nervous newbies yeah i want to call them yeah whether you've just started or like we said before you're just in that pillow talk stage where you're talking about it, but you haven't, you're afraid to make that jump because let's face it, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, as they say, once you make that leap, you know? Yeah. And then there's couples already in it, but maybe they're struggling to stay connected or reconnect. Yeah, that's for sure. And, you know, who this may not be for, you you know if you've already been in this for a while and you've got your shit together like hey do your thing you know even hit us up maybe we can have you on as a guest yeah we'd love that we love to you know again we want to really give the perspective of those who have been in it for a while absolutely just don't come to us like after you've been in like five months asking to be a guest because or maybe i don't know we can mentor them we can if you're a good train wreck story those always entertain us yeah those sell train wrecks sell right all right well that's it for this episode of coming out swinging thanks again join us next time if you're digging this, make sure to subscribe. Leave us a review and follow us on TikTok at Dick and Dave. We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non-monogamy without the mess. New episodes every week. We'll see you next time.