Everyone Else Is Just a Toy—Here’s Why

Transcript

Speaker1: In today's episode, we're breaking down the difference between swinging, polyamory, open relationships, and everything in between. We'll talk about why we're not poly and never will be. The show Poly Family and the emotional chaos it shows. Why emotional involvement, second wives, and relationship triangles almost never work. And how swinging with no emotional ties is what actually strengthens our marriage. If you're trying to figure out your lean in non-monogamy, this episode will help you get real clear real fast. Welcome to Coming Out Swinging. A raw, real look at modern relationships. I'm Dave Arena. And I'm Victoria Arena. We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22. We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like. Maybe this is our modern day scarlet letter. But we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed. What's broken in today's relationships? Is monogamy even natural for humans? And could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be phoning other people? This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations, especially monogamy. Subscribe to Coming Out Swinging, the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherfucking OG. So on this episode, we're going to be talking about some definitions and what our lane is. And when I say definitions, I'm not talking about like... Like, these are just, I mean, mine and Dave's definitions. This is not like... I mean, they technically are the definitions of the world. But we don't claim to be your experts. We just claim to be our own expert. Yeah, we're not trying to be know-it-alls. People are so crazy about those technical definitions. Yeah, it's kind of like, I'm not trying to be obsessive about this. What we're going to talk about, though, is a few different definitions and terms that we have discussed in the past and and sometimes it's not even the technical it may not even be the technical definition but it's like the connotation of what it like open relationships for example is it i think a great thing to touch on here is that society or even holly and I put Hollywood in quotes, everyone, meaning like housewives, the Mormon wives, you know, anything that they portrayed swinging or some of these other categories to be or group categories together with have made me personally nuts in my own community because that's not what it is. And I sit there and I go, yeah, but they didn't do that. Like, that's not what it is. So I guess that's why I'm saying these are our definitions and how we see it. And most of our friends, I would say. Yeah, like I know what drove you nuts about the Mormon situation is like, they were getting their terminology all wrong they also thought it was some like risque thing like they were the first ones to ever try it the swinging scandal she they she even said they said they got together with their girlfriends and we're making out with the girlfriends in front of the husbands like they didn't that's not swinging right now whether it's telling the lady now whether it ended up going further or we don't we weren't behind closed doors right wasn't with them um we do know it got emotional for them which we'll touch on here yeah because she ended up cheating on her then husband with the girl's partner or catching feelings for him right and that's really the basis of this episode is that's not swinging you're not catching emotions so let's go into some of these definitions right because right because that's where we want to really draw the lines at least in our experience um so we in fact just to touch on that real quick too too, there is even that Rolling Stone article where they asked actual swingers in the lifestyle, and that was one of the things that they were really upset about as well as we were, is that, well, I mean, we don't get upset. Well, I guess you get kind of. I get more nutty than you do. That's what's in my mind. No, but I do get it because the Rolling Stone article was basically, stone article was basically it was the same like these real swingers were saying like no this is just not what it's swinging right it's not what it's about being a swinger so to us we've always defined swinging as casual sex with no emotions correct yes like Yes. Like, I'm not catching feelings. Everybody else to me is just a vehicle. Like, I don't want to say a vehicle, but like a toy. Yeah. For our excitement. For our reconnection after. Exactly. And that even goes into, now again, to each their own. Of course, whenever we say, I know whenever you say to each their own, course whenever we say i know whenever you say to each your own to each their own you mean you really mean our way is the best way um but that even goes to like i i hear a lot of like on tiktok and right but there's a lot of so-called experts that they still are even if they are just casual sex no emotions they they want to dm people they want to email people that they want to get to know you and make a connection where i need to know i'm connected to that person we have i just need to know i'm attracted to them right or the or the situation or they're attracted to the situation and what's going to happen in the situation but i don't need to be connected to you now let me take a step back i mean i don't want if i sent you a weirdo obviously that's not happening because your your spidey senses should be keeping you in check i guess you could say right but i a step back, too, because a lot of we do have to recognize that a lot of people don't do things quite the way we do them, especially nowadays. Nowadays, we've been in this so long. We go to clubs. We go to events. We sometimes do our own hotel events and parties.
Speaker2: Yeah.
Speaker1: We do not get on the apps and date anyone or go out to dinner or meet people one on one. I don't know.
Speaker3: I don't know.
Speaker1: I don't know. I don saying there's anything wrong with that. I can even understand if you're doing that, that you would want to have some sort of connection. Not every town has a club or a hotel takeover or anything like that. But I guess what I'm saying is that's part of our evolution which we'll get to on on another episode but we don't we just don't like that whole dating connection thing now if that makes us sound cold that's not and that's not really the case like we have made friends or we've had we've had lifelong friends but we we don't need that connection we don't need to be emailing you we don't need it we don't need a connection with you to have sex with you or to make it you know to make that intimate part and i think that would still be true even if we were doing the app thing and the dating thing and going out to someone is like yeah we could we can maybe meet someone out have a couple drinks right but we're not looking right we're not what and i mean i'm talking these people on tiktok stress connection constantly in their verbiage well you know like a question will come up in their live thing and they're like well you know i mean we personally like to see if we're going to connect with people talk to them for a while i don't need to talk to them for a while either yeah we don't care i don't i don't have that much time on my like i don't want to do that yeah and that's why we end up going to events or clubs because it's whatever spontaneous in the moment how hot is that like that's going to be fun well and also you're not wasting an evening not only just an evening but potentially multiple days talking to people and then they flake or you plan something yeah and then if you don't have an attraction to them or nothing's going to happen then you've wasted a night out where if we go to the club even if it even if we're going to make our own fun even if it's just us yeah we'll do whatever we'll do our own thing so there's that so that's that's basically what we do and what we define swinging as and then that's our lane that's our lane for sure yeah and then the other thing i i think always gets kind of a weird or i think so here's one where we may not technically be correct on the definition because there's blurred lines but when people say open relationships That kind of bugs me as well because are we technically in an open relationship maybe you could call it that because we do obviously we're not monogamous and we have sex with other partners but when I think of open relationships I think of like dating others I think of dating others and I think of like so if somebody hit me up last minute and i didn't run it by you i can just go do what i wanted to do right there's without checking and again we may not consider an open relationship in my mind right we may not be totally and then i just tell you about it later like i don't i mean yeah we may we may not be correct on that but it it seems like there's less boundaries or maybe not less boundaries. But that's that's decided upon ahead of time when you're in an open relationship that you can go do what you want or it's more with dating in mind. Yeah. So I think you're right on there. We do not do any of that either. I mean, like we said, we don't we don't look to date or make these long ongoing connections no and i kind of i think we run everything by each other that's for sure yeah and then i i think that he's around like you know i'm not you're not going out to do something yeah yeah and i think and if there is something established like you know one of our one of my kinks is like because it's out of character for you and you haven't ever done this so i don't know in all these years right but it would be hot for me if you did do something without telling me in like in whatever i don't know what situation that would even happen i've never had that situation only because that's hot to me but we've established those rules and boundaries ahead of time where you know you could you could do that and it would be super hot to me. But we've established those rules and boundaries ahead of time where, you know, you could you could do that and it would be super hot for me. And this is where rules are big. Right. And communication and boundaries are big. I know I can't do the same thing just because you're not wired that way. You'd be like, I'd have to. Right. I'd have to text you ahead of time. Not out of the jealousy thing. Like, I know yeah i'm like a curious cat like please tell me everything yeah and then i think i guess the next step up from that is the polyamory which is the the emotional kind of actual romantic relationships with multiple people freaking burning about yeah i just i mean again there's going to be right there's going to be poly people that come for us because glad it works for you glad it works for you six times out of ten i don't know i i don't even know what the odds are not even that all the ones we've seen have not worked out i that's just my take on it yeah we've seen them in the however long we've been doing this 20 two years 22 years yeah so say 20 plus i'm glad yeah yeah so i mean we'll get into that um here in a minute in terms of some poly stories but for us it's romantic relationships of multiple people yeah so for us it's no dating no romance no catching feelings no falling in love just great sex a vehicle for our excitement our stories and our reconnection yeah your your big thing is the reconnection yeah let's get into some of our experiences well first off the t Thank you. reconnection yeah your your big thing is the reconnection yeah let's get into some of our experiences well first off the t i hate using tv well because how let's be real society or hollywood has put such a a label on this world of ours i think when you watch shows like sister wives or whatever this new fucking tlc what's it called poly family family as soon as i saw it i was like you've got to be freaking kidding me people think oh look it's a bunch of swingers married with each other no that's not what it is well and it's also kind of funny to think about that they only really are portraying the relationship side of it the polyamorous or polygamy side of it. Yes. I don't, and I don't. Lives was religious. And I don't. For religious reasons, supposedly. And I think that that in some ways is much easier for society to accept, like, okay, even though I don't agree with that or never would do that, it's still a relationship style, I guess, where I don't know if people just aren't ready for like, yeah, we just have casual sex with other people and we don't give a shit. Like, I don't, I don't know if people really would, you know, that I think that may be the weird thing. It's because, and really, I would, I don't know, my personal point of view is I dig our side way better than that. I love you. I don't want you loving anybody else. Right. Or do they want to have sex with somebody else? That's fine. That's that's not your brain. That's your like, I mean, it's the feeling maybe. Right. It's not love. And that still comes back to us. It's a sexual feeling. it still comes back to us in the end anyhow and so i don't know i mean what do you think that is do you think it is like they're not ready for it or do you think they just don't even know that that's like a whole nother side of it i don't think they're ready for it i think i think they they very you know women on my side are probably considered whore-like right so it's safe that's considered saintly really right so it's safer to be on to talk about the relationship side like even though it's multiple that's my own firm belief yeah because i what what cracked me up is i didn't even watch poly family i i only saw the trailer and i was already laughing my ass off because the dude at the end was crying like he's literally crying yeah and they're talking about how he's not like i don't know if they're talking about he's like the out on the out like they're trying to replace him or something there's like kids involved and i'm just like that's way too messy like i don't know which which one's the dad of the baby right he's pregnant with and i come on. And poly people can come for us all. You can come for us all you want. It's messy. It is messy. And it's hard. It's hard enough to make even a vanilla relationship last for a long time when you consider divorce rate and everything else. And people being miserable, which we'll get into in another episode but to make multiple relationships work i mean look at freaking sister wives cody yeah come on that dude and they and i think they i and this is another thing that may be controversial but i think they hide it under religious purposes or whatever it's all bullshit to me i wanted to be the king at the top of a pedestal with all these women worshiping him and once they snapped out of it literally and started realizing oh these are jealous feelings i'm feeling yeah i don't like this new young wife that came in right and that's where you could tell it was all downhill from there what he would refer to robin is his word now we watched that show from the beginning but we could see it from a mile away because there were two things going on not only was the jealousy but also how difficult it was to maintain relationships with four different wives and families and going over this person's house this time and the other woman feeling like, well, you're not over at my house. One wife was getting lonely because and so she ends up getting catfished on the Internet because she's out there searching for everything now. Right. It's like the whole thing was a train wreck from the get-go yeah it just doesn't it's just the the chances of that working out long term and you could argue like oh well they did make it work for a long time but my point is not really when you when you watch that show from the beginning there were already cracks in Christine and Janelle admit that even in the beginning well before robin ever came along they didn't get along when they lived in their very first house together yeah because they were all on top of each other and you could hear things in another room and it was hard for to separate you know things or whatever that is so messy yeah it's just so pissed it never seemed sustainable to us i remember asking you one time this is the comedy in our relationship I don't know.
Speaker3: I don't know.
Speaker1: I don't know. messy yeah it's so pissed it never seemed sustainable to us i remember asking you one time this is the comedy in our relationship you want another wife and you were like hell no why on earth would i do that to myself yeah more wife more kids ew you're like disgusted that i even asked you the question yeah any emotions like you that's why you never have to worry about me like i'm like no I'm good with what we do and the excitement we get out of it and the fact that I can have my cake and eat it too I guess I know that sounds horrible but it's same for you right like you don't we don't have to I don't need no baby mamas yeah it's just emotion and you know I think the reason too is like people can argue all they want about it. But human nature is real. Like the jealousy, insecurity, comparison to your other to other people that are you're going to have a relate, you know, a sister wife or whatever the case may be. Yeah. That's just never going to go away. You're you're all if somebody's going to say, oh, you need to do this with your kid. Like then it starts stepping into those boundaries right you know like hold up yeah i i mean and we've seen it in our we we've experienced it as well with plenty of people that we have uh been friends with but one in particular it was it was their second marriage both of them correct which already gives you a lower chance of survival yeah what's funny about this guy too is he was typical perfect facebook like oh you're my heart you're my whole world okay i mean as soon as we've been together and they were we've been swingers for like a long time and i'm not saying we don't put we don't put things on social media every once in a while anniversaries or whatever this was on the daily and on the hour right we've been together almost 30 years you don't need like anytime someone does that you that's a red tell me i'm your world every minute that's a red flag we were just like okay this dude right then so they used to come to the club and we always thought they were just normal swingers right then we were we had moved away came back to the home club and visited and found out that they brought in a another woman right a poly relationship yeah and this was like full go like she lived with them to go on vacations yeah the whole bit and it just imploded he squeezed out the original yeah that's exactly what he did he just he wanted to be just with the and that's why i call bullshit on a lot, I guess, is what – because we've seen a lot of that happen in our experience where if – I don't agree with it no matter what, but I think you'll – I just want to talk out loud and see what – you'll know where I'm going. I don't agree with it at all, but if you were just going to be poly and be like, that's what I want to do. And you're living by those rules. Great. Right. I always feel like it's a mask for something. It's, it's an ulterior motive or you're going to have another agenda. Right. I'm not saying he intended to do this, but what I'm saying is eventually the agenda became, Oh, I like this woman much, but you have feelings, you got feelings and emotions involved. And now it's like, I want to be with this woman. So you weren't about Polly. You weren't about having multiple relationships. You exactly. You were trading in your car. You which I think to me, I guess where I get upset about this is I think that's a manipulation oh i do too i think it's a very narcissistic move right because i think what that says is like i i veiled this under poly so that i could basically try this woman out while under your nose yes and i know this stuff may sound harsh because we could be totally wrong but i i call it like i see it and i know you do all the time like that's how i saw that situation literally how i read it and then once that relationship became the main relationship or he fell for that woman the original wife is out i mean she got the house at least yeah well like like i mean even with okay so even if you watch how this whole sister wives thing played out that's what cody is doing right Thank you.
Speaker3: Bye-bye.
Speaker1: Bye-bye.
Speaker3: Bye.
Speaker1: Bye.
Speaker3: Bye.
Speaker1: Bye-bye.
Speaker3: Bye.
Speaker1: Bye.
Speaker3: Bye.
Speaker1: Bye-bye. i mean she got the house at least yeah well like i mean even with okay so even if you watch how this whole sister wives thing played out that's what cody is doing right now he's backtracking trying to cover his his thing saying i tried to make all these work i did this i did that you know it's everybody else's fault not cody's fault and he did all this and he's trying to leave these chicks holding the bag dude you created all this well and then he only concentrated on that last wife and now you're saying to her well let's just be monogamous and she's saying well that's not kind of why i got it well that's what i she's in it for the religious part you know like i'm at least that's what i kind of noticed right recently i was just gonna say they're gonna be monogamous now i don't think she's leaving them but i know i was gonna say the same thing he literally said that so it's like that always makes me question like well if you were all about this from a religious point of view and this is what you thought the calling should be right why would you ever make the comment that oh well i guess we should just be monogamous now you're full of shit right that's the that's the part i have a problem with if you're gonna be about it be about it and i think one thing to stress is like if it's a true poly relationship they're not hooking up together so it's not the two wives are getting it on with the husband that would be in some guys wildest dreams yeah i mean i don't know i don't from what i understand is he's with the one wife one night he's with another wife another night and another wife another night he's not he's not getting them all in the same room and you know having a right and this is where we could be wrong on our definitions they did something freaky or put that on tv right or maybe there's a difference between polygamy and poly and like i don't i don't again yeah i don't care whatever it is i just know i'm not getting connected with anybody else right any type of emotions you're not going on vacation with somebody else right having kids with somebody else, having a fake wedding ceremony. Those ones get me to like, I just, we're not doing it. Yeah. Emotions are out either way. That's why we said at the beginning, we're not experts on all the, you can grill us on the exact definitions. It doesn't matter if you've got got emotion even if you're just swinging and like we said you're trying to connect with people and get to know them come on red flag city i'm not doing it okay so i think we'll end it with red flag city so yeah but everybody else we've gone we've gone longer than normal on this episode because we started on our rants but this yeah I mean, this is basically when i say kind of what brought us into like really wanting to delve in and dive in and talk about this were these exact situations they kind of had me like going but that's not what swinging is and then you hear people go oh they're swingers well how do you know they're swingers well because they have a girlfriend okay so that's not that's not a swinger you know what i mean or you hear these people on or throuples or everything yeah they're going live and they're talking and they're giving people advice and i'm going these are people that should not be giving me advice yeah so so if you were confused about all the non-monogamy labels maybe we didn't completely clear it up or or give you the exact thing all we're telling you is like the things that we've seen freaking blow up so if you don't want to blow up your shit this is this was the episode really for you yes all right we'll see you next time bye if you're digging this make sure to subscribe leave us a review and follow us on TikTok at Vic and Dave. We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non-monogamy without the mess. New episodes every week. We'll see you next time.