There is no formula. Everyone is different. What you might think is funny someone might think of is offensive. Throw it out there be honest and true to yourself post realistic pictures so you don’t get a door slammed on your face when you show up not looking like advertised. Offer way to verify you were real before they ask. And it’s my experience and opinion. if you’re not willing to share a face picture, your chances are slim.
"...the other part of me is wishing I never posted this and just figured it out on my own."
While the process may seem brutal, it's not the people here that responded that you need to worry about. The ones that responded did so because they want to help and like to see people succeed in the LS, as much as is reasonably possible.
What you will likely find trying to engage people here on SLS is.........silence. Many (most?) people can't be bothered to even respond. The fact that you asked for help AND that people are responding is a step in the right direction, even if it doesn't feel that way. Please don't get discouraged from the responses you got. They were not meant to belittle or disprespect you.
FWIW - If you do go back and look at prior requests for profile help, you are likely to see the same small subset of members that provide all of the input. This supports the idea of "silence" that you're likely to encounter. Especially if you look at the number of views of a forum profile help topic vs the number of actual participants.
Think of this like vanilla dating.
The woman you are trying to get a date with is not going to tell you what works. She wants to see you put in the effort and figure out what works.
And what works for one woman won't work for the next one.
What do you think would happen if you got mad at the woman and told her to just tell you what works?
Same with swinging.
There are no shortcuts. This isn't like a porn movie where you can just wag your dick and women flock to you.
Nobody wants to hear you complain.
This lifestyle is 90% couples playing with couples. You are always going to be on the outside trying to get in.
If you complain about it, you will never get in.
And, finding swingers on fetlife is difficult. But if you go to munches and meet people you might meet someone that knows a swinger and they introduce you.
Again, take the advice people here have given you. Make the changes to your profile and photos. Then post here again. It is the only way they will take you seriously and give you advice.
I 100% agree couples get so many solo messages they get tired of it. I think if they don’t want that attention simply disable that feature and your problem is taking care of. I have been on fetlife and there’s simply not a lot of couples or solos in this area who are into this lifestyles. I have gone and looked through posts on the forum and everyone knows that are an insane amount of posts. Where I see the views of everyone who has posted advice, I know that all have been in my shoes who didn’t know what to say how to say it what to post what not to post what pictures to put up etc. So far all I’ve been given is what is wrong with my profile and how I posted. There’s no one who said. “Hey been there and this is what worked for me/us/someone they knew”. Just as much as experienced people wish new people like me post a certain way, new people like me want experienced couples to not spoon feed us this lifestyle but actually give guidance instead of how to post this and that. The solo individual in the post yes you have been helpful. I agree with that couples can be stuck up and arrogant. I also understand that all of this is extremely personal and everyone is on guard with what members have or say. This isn’t a face-to-face meetup where you can read the energy. Although I’ve taken what people have said and will correct my mistakes, the other part of me is wishing I never posted this and just figured it out on my own.
I am the same as you. We have almost the same problems.
Only difference is, I have been on this site for three years.
While you will find assholes here who think they are better than you and tell you to give up because you are ugly and do not have a chance, most people on this site, and everyone who has responded to you ,are only telling you the facts.
Every couple gets contacted by far more single men then they could ever respond to, let alone meet. 99% of the ones they respond to or meet are jerks and they are sorry they responded. That means they can afford to reject you because you have a photo with a messy bed behind you. They know there is a good chance you will show up to a meet looking like the bed.
Yes, it is judgemental but they have to protect themselves from the jerks.
Yes, we are being judgemental. But that is because we know what works.
If there are no clubs in your area , try the groups section on this site. You might find a group in your area you can join. Try events, you might find a meet and greet. Try fet life, you might find a munch. You may have to travel to find anything. Closest club to me that allows single males is in the next state and 2 hours away.
We tell you to meet in person because couples can see you are real and got off the couch and how much effort you put into bathing, grooming and dressing.
Couples and single women have 1,000 guys to choose from. 100 of them they would consider and 10 they want to meet. You have to make the cut to the last 10 to even be considered. You have to stand out among 1,000 guys before you even have a chance of being picked from the last 10.
That is not judgemental. That is a fact.
I slogged through all of this before a couple invited me for a threesome. And the thing they liked about me the most was, I showed up and I was on time.
Couples go through hell trying to find a decent single male.
Take the advice everyone is giving you, then post your new photos and profile.
The more advice you take, the better and less judgemental their advice will get.
At least some of us offering help here simply wish that people asking for it would do a little due dilligence first. There is a wealth of info here in posts to others asking for profile help. The vast majority of time, many of the suggestions apply to just about every profile of those asking for help.
That being the case, it's VERY rare that someone asking for help starts by saying, "I've looked at other posts here and incorporated those suggestions into my profile. Could someone please take a look and see if it looks OK?" I can pretty much guarentee that people doing that would receive a warmer welcome.
Instead, the norm is that people put minimal effort into a profile and it feels like they want to essentially have someone else (re)write their profile for them.
Fortune favors those that can help themselves and people are more willing to help someone that is at least trying to make an effort. Asking for help is also a step in that direction, so perhaps you can now understand a little about the audience you're asking help from, and why this process can sometimes feel a little brutal ;-)
I've got little beyond what suggestions were already made, but can take a look and offer suggestions after any profile updates are made.
In my response to the feedback I would like to say ‘thank you’ for replying. I will also like to go on to say that I found most of the feedback condescending and flat rude and judgmental. Which I thought that being in this lifestyle would not be judgmental but I see that there are couples that are in fact judgmental. I have thick skin and can take constructive criticism but I don’t take flat disrespect in the form of ‘being blunt’. Just because I am knew to this does not give you the feeling of being judgmental. Yes my profile isn’t the best yes my pictures aren’t the great but it was the first time I made a profile such as this. The profiles I did see are so mundane that being a single guy I wouldn't reach out. No basic pictures turns me away instantly. Now I understand those that posted have been in the lifestyle for a while and again I appreciate the feedback.
One of the main reasons I wanted to join this lifestyle was for the freedom to be who you are and to be in a welcoming community. I unfortunately cannot go to any clubs or events where I live. The one club that is here is dangerous and flat out disgusting. I understand the mountain I have to climb being a single male trying to make name for myself if you will. I have taken the advice given and will make the corrections. I have asked on how to change the username since that’s what this site generated for me when setting up this account.
Obviously the OP is paying the price of way too many idiot single gentlemen newbies contacting us recently. ;-)
I like to think we're fairly typical of couples that play with single gentlemen - a half-baked profile with poor photos does not attract my attention, let alone entice me to exchange messages or meet.
And some days that half-baked profile gets on every last nerve!
I forgot to mention.
Your name suggests you are a couple. You might want to change that or at least explain you are a single male in the first line of your profile. If a couple gets so much as a hint that you are trying to deceive them, they will run. Many single males pretend to be part of a couple, then show up for a meet as a single male and say the female half just got sick and couldn't make it.
Goodgollymsmolly can sound like just a troll,but she really does know what she is talking about and does give great advice. I suggest you take it.
You can't have a messy bed behind you, unless you are trying to attract straight guys. Single women and the female half of a couple will notice the bed before you and reject you. Straight guys won't care.
You can't take a selfie in a public restroom. Again, it is a woman thing.
Finally, a profile on here probably has the lowest chance of success, out of other options. Even if you are perfect and your profile is perfect. You need a good profile, but don't rely on it for finding couples.
Go to the events section and look for parties ,meet and greets and clubs in your area and go to them. Go to the groups section and join groups in your area.
It took me three years and searching and contacting a few thousand people before I met a couple and had a threesome. And that was because they liked my profile.
There are no shortcuts. And I think most of it is dumb luck.
If there are no groups, meet and greets, clubs or parties in your area, try fetlife munches. Social get togethers. You might meet someone. My area has no groups, parties, meet and greets or clubs but they have fetlife munches almost every day near me.
Hope you've read some other reviews and realize that we're an opinionated bunch and can be a bit blunt at times. I'm usually the kinder & gentler version of blunt but you've pushed several of my buttons.
The overall impression I get from your profile is that you want swinging to be spoonfed to you. You don't say much about yourself or what makes you a unique individual worth meeting. You're looking for others to assist your entry into and exploration of the swinging lifestyle. You're looking for others to improve your profile after barely doing the bare minimum. Online encounters take time - a lot more than you'd imagine - and work!
So no, I'm not going to offer specific advice until you do more than throw sound bites at your profile. Think about why you want to explore swinging and what you have to offer. Read as many profile reviews as you can and apply the common advice.
And remember - online is the absolute worst way to meet other swingers. With a good profile and photos you might expect a 10-20% response rate - and that includes all the "no thanks" replies. Couples have a lot of single gentlemen to choose from - most will choose someone with experience playing with couples over someone that gives no indication of why they want to swing or what they bring to the encounter.
Let us know when your revised profile is approved - I'm happy to help if I have something to work with.
Good luck!
~Phoebert's Wife
Hi. Please tell me you read some of the threads here and are aware that you have come to a place where no punches are pulled. It's kindly meant, but it's blunt. If you're prepared for that, read on.
First, your photos, other than that sort of half face and street scene one, are awful. Why would you think it's okay to have a messy bed in the background or a bathroom sink in the foreground? I mean, don't feel badly because the bathroom selfie is standard issue for single guys (no, no one who isn't a single guy has an explanation for that unfortunate choice), but please do better. Have someone else take your photos or use the timer on your phone. Smile in every single one and take enough that you can choose some decent ones. Decide whether you're a facial hair guy or not and stick with it.
Your profile is not good. It's partly not good because you don't really understand marketing and partly because you have used the same words multiple times. So, you sound uninteresting and this is definitely not the place to be an uninteresting guy.
So, onto specifics.
In Looking For, the first sentence is fine, but you probably want to sound a little more discriminating than what is basically 'anyone who will have me,' even if that's actually true. Plus, if we count the tagline, you're three sentences in and have used "new" or a variant twice. Instead of what you have, including so many uses of new that it sounds like an infomercial, give a think to the people you're looking for. Assume your lack of experience (which you can mention once, in Fantasies) is acceptable if they agree to meet you. This section is really about others, so focus on them.
In Description, please tell everyone some things about yourself without using the words "drama" or "new." Are you a laid back bass fisherman who collects teaspoons and likes visiting new places? How about a gamer who loves microbrews? Whoever you're like, you are unique, and you have to give people a chance to know you a little if you want to have a chance to have sex with them
In Fantasies, which you've unaccountably left blank even though it was probably fantasies that brought you here, is where you get to say - just once - that you're new. And then give out a fantasy or two. Not a ton of detail, just another way of letting folks get to know you a little.
In Additional comments, you have some things that belong in Looking For once they've been rewritten. Also, unless you're okay with play with another guy, you probably should not say you're open minded, since that's what the community decided it meant. If you are, it's fine to leave that in, but in Fantasies.
Which leaves Additional comments blank, and you shouldn't. Think about how to end on a high note. If you can host, please say so, both because it offers potential partners an option and because it reassures that you aren't a cheating husband. If you are a cheating husband, you're probably in the wrong place, since people in the lifestyle are way more anti-cheating than your average churchgoer.
Anyway, good luck. Make some changes and then come back and let us have another look.
I need help with trying to attract couples who want to play with solo male. Any and all help is greatly appreciated
