323 total posts. Showing the most recent 100.
Associated Press - August 27, 2019. Racism in America is an institutional "White man's problem visited on people of color," Joe Biden said Tuesday, arguing that the way to attack the issue is to defeat President Trump and hold him responsi…
I have bad reflexes ... I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine than by a shark, according to the New England aquarium.
First, the doctor told me the good news ... I was going to have a disease named after me.
While trying to find a cure for AIDS, the Mayo Clinic made glow in the dark cats.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday ... I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer.
The blob of toothpaste that sits on your toothbrush is called a "nurdle."
I went to a massage parlor yesterday that was really disappointing ... it was self-service.
Walmart has a lower acceptance rate than Harvard University. Harvard has a 4.5% admittance rate compared to 2.6% of Walmart applicants.
Monmouth Poll - August 26, 2019. Topic: 2020 Democratic Presidential Nomination. Sanders 20%. Warren 20%. Biden 19%. Harris 8%. Buttigieg 4%. ///// Biden losing steam?
Pew Research Center predicts that Millennials (1981 - 1996) and Generation Z (1997 - ) will make up 37% of the 2020 U.S. electorate.
You can not snore and dream at the same time.
My neighborhood is so dangerous ... the local police station's entrance has a peephole.
German prisoners in Canadian war camps during WW2 were treated so well, that many of them didn't want to leave when the war was over.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage: We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing ... she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
In Colorado, recreational marijuana dispensaries outnumber Starbucks locations by 3 to 1.
Associated Press - August 23, 2019. Billionaire David H. Koch, who with his older brother Charles poured a fortune into right-wing causes, transforming the American political landscape and shaping American policies on such issues as climat…
National Public Radio - August 23, 2019. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg ,86, has just completed 3 weeks of radiation treatment in New York City. ///// Possible opening for Trump for a third Supreme Court appointment?
I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.
In 2013, The South American country of Uruguay became the first country in the world to make it legal to grow, sell, and consume marijuana.
Reuters News - August 23, 2019. President Trump ordering American companies to look at ways to close their operations in China and make more of their products in the USA.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity ... I can't put it down.
The first movie to gross over 100 million dollars was Jaws (1975).
Dogs can't operate MRI machines ... but catscan.
The U.S. 45th Infantry had a swastika sleeve insignia to honor their Native American members until WW2. They dropped the swastika in favor of the Thunderbird.
Pew Research Center Poll conducted April 2019. 42% of Jewish Americans said Trump's policies favored the Israelis too much, versus 26% of Christians who expressed that view. ///// 70% of Jews voted for Hillary in 2016 election. 25% of Jews…
Economist/ YouGov Poll - August 21,2019. 2020 Democratic Presidential Nomination. Biden 22%. Sanders 19%. Warren 18%. Harris 8%. Buttigieg 8%. ///// Biden's lead has been slipping in recent weeks.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots ... would they be called "cellfies"?
The "Dancing Plague" of 1518 was a mania that lasted a month and killed dozens of people in Strasbourg, France through exhaustion or heart attack. People just danced uncontrollably until they collapsed.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing? ... Deaf defying.
It takes about 6 minutes for the brain to start to react to alcohol.
NBC News/ Wall Street Journal Poll - August 18, 2019. Topic: President Trump Job Approval Rating. 43% Approve, 55% Disapprove. Topic: Direction of Country. 33% Right direction, 60% Wrong track.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make ... then they call me ugly and poor.
Adolf Hitler's nephew, William Hitler, served in the United States Navy during World War 2.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store ... does that make you an iWitness?
The original Playboy Bunnies were required to be able to identify 143 brands of liquor and know how to make 20 different cocktails as part of their job requirements.
Son: "Dad! I just had sex for the first time!" ///// Dad: "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?" ///// Son: "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
If you multiply 1089 times 9, you get the exact reverse which is 9801.
Fox News Poll - August 16, 2019. General Election matchups. Trump vs. Biden. 50% Biden, 38% Trump ... Trump vs. Warren. 46% Warren, 39% Trump ... Trump vs. Sanders. 48% Sanders, 39% Trump.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? ... To get to the "other side."
The USA has the highest pet dog population in the world at approximately 76 million.
How is a woman like a condom? ... Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
The Saluki is the world's oldest dog breed. They appear in ancient Egyptian tombs dating back to 2100 B.C.
The worst time to have a heart attack ... is during a game of charades.
Brigadier General Theodore Roosevelt Jr. was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor for his actions during the Normandy landings on June 6, 1944 (D-Day). The one-star general was granted permission to be part of the first wave of soldiers…
Pew Research Center Survey published August 13, 2019. Topic: Americans' opinion of China. 60% favorable, 26% unfavorable. Topic: Americans' opinion on China's growing economy. 50% - good thing for the USA, 41% - bad thing for the USA.
August 12, 2019. The federal government spent a record 3,727,014,000,000 dollars in the first 10 months of fiscal 2019 (October through July) according to the Monthly Treasury Statement released today.
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet ... but nothing came up.
President Theodore Roosevelt was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor, the nation's highest military award, in 2001 by President Clinton for his actions during the Spanish-American War. He is the only U.S. President to receive the award.
Eat right ... Stay fit ... Die anyway.
During WW2 in California, the Great Los Angeles Air Raid of 1942 had the U.S. Army firing 1,400 anti-air artillery and .50 caliber rounds at an enemy aircraft. The "enemy aircraft" turned out to be a lost weather balloon.
Gallup - August 5, 2019. Topic: Range in elected Presidents' job approval ratings in first 30 months in office. Trump - 35% low, 46% high. Obama - 40% low, 69% high. Clinton - 37% low, 59% high. Reagan - 35% low, 68% high.
Parallel lines have so much in common ... it's a shame they'll never meet.
California Highway Patrol officer Kevin Briggs has dissuaded more than 200 people from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco since 1994.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating ... I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
The first American novel to touch on the subject of homosexuality was Bayard Taylor's "Joseph and his Friend " in 1870.
I needed a password 8 characters long ... so I picked Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.
The odds of being born on February 29 are 1 in 1461.
Marketwatch website - August 8, 2019. Jobless claims fall to 209,000 in early August and signal labor market is still strong.
Pew Research Center survey - published August 7, 2019. Topic: Giving a President more power to deal directly with many of the country's problems. 51% of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents say it's too risky. 82% of Democrats a…
If anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges ... my door is always open.
There is enough concrete in the Hoover Dam to build a two-lane highway from San Francisco to New York City according to the US Department of the Interior.
In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat ... she was a vegan and refused to touch me.
The Library of Congress contains approximately 838 miles of bookshelves, long enough to stretch from Houston to Chicago.
Quinnipiac Poll - August 6, 2019. 2020 Democratic Presidential Nomination. Biden 32%. Warren 21%. Sanders 14%. Harris 7%. Buttigieg 5%.
Valencia County in New Mexico has voted for the winning candidate in every Presidential election since 1952.
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism ... if I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed.
More people live in New York City than in 40 of the 50 states.
Harvard/Harris Poll - August 3, 2019. President Trump job approval rating. 45% approve. 55% disapprove. ------- Harvard/Harris Poll - August 3, 2019. Direction of Country. 37% right direction. 54% wrong track.
I was very naive sexually, my first girlfriend asked me to do missionary ... so I went to Africa for 6 months.
South Florida is the only place in the world where alligators and crocodiles coexist in the wild.
You're not completely useless ... you can always serve as a bad example.
The correct way to pronounce Nike is "ny-kee." The name comes from the Greek goddess of victory.
Harvard/Harris Poll - August 2, 2019. 2020 Democratic Presidential Nomination. Biden 34%. Sanders 17%. Harris 9%. Warren 8%. Buttigieg 4%.
The city of Beverly Hills is so exclusive ... the phone company has an unlisted number.
The Machineel tree is so poisonous, rainwater dripping off its leaves will burn your skin.
Rasmussen Poll - August 2, 2019. General Election matchup. Trump vs. Sanders. 46% Sanders. 45% Trump.
Reuters/Ipsos Poll - August 1, 2019. President Trump job approval rating. 40% approve. 58% disapprove. ----- Rasmussen Poll - August 1, 2019. President Trump job approval rating. 48% approve. 51% disapprove. Big difference between the 2 po…
A dick has a really sad life ... his hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A giant anteater will eat about 35,000 ants and termites a day, which is about 1 million a month.
My girlfriend lost 3 pounds today ... she took off her makeup.
Woodpeckers are capable of pecking 10,000 times a day. Their strong necks have natural shock absorbents which help them balance the vibration in order to avoid concussions.
Pew Research Center Survey on National Economy published July 26, 2019. 79% of Republicans and Republican leaners rate the national economy as excellent or good compared to 33% of Democrats and Democrat leaners.
I broke my finger last week ... on the other hand, I'm okay.
The largest cast of living creatures in a Hollywood film were the 22 million bees used by producer Irwin Allen in The Swarm (1978).
My friend is so poor ... he owes money that hasn't been minted yet.
The earliest known American porn film is "A Free Ride a.k.a A Grass Sandwich " in 1915. The film was directed by "A. Wise Guy" and was written by "Will She."
According to a new report from eMarketer, ad spending on 2020 federal elections is expected to climb to 6 billion dollars. The report focused only on ads sponsored by "federal candidates and campaigns." Trump is expected to spend about 1 b…
My girlfriend's driving test went surprisingly well yesterday, she got 7 out of 12 ... the other 5 managed to run to safety.
Vigo County in Indiana has voted for the winning candidate in every Presidential election since 1956.
Valencia County in New Mexico has voted for the winning candidate in every Presidential election since 1952.
Keep the dream alive ... hit the snooze button.
About 41% of all first marriages in the USA end in divorce. 60% of second marriages end in divorce. 73% of all third marriages end in divorce.
Fox News Poll - July 26, 2019. General Election Matchup. Trump vs. Sanders. 46% Sanders. 40% Trump.
My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my penis and asked me what was I doing ... apparently, "heating your dinner " was not the right answer.
Sunday is the most popular day to watch porn. The least popular day is Thanksgiving.
Why does mineral water that has " trickled through mountains for centuries " ... have a "use by" date?
It is estimated that 1 in every 8 couples in the USA who went on to marry each other met online.
Economist Poll - July 21-23, 2019. Direction of Country. Right Direction - 38%. Wrong Track - 54%.
My friend thinks he's smart. He told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry ... so I threw a coconut at his face.
