Ella is back from her episode earlier this year Secrets of the Elusive Single Cuckoldress . She definitely had some mind blown reactions when that one aired and this time around she s definitely got some bombshells to share. This is an important episode for singles, couples, and bulls - everyone! It s provocative, informative, and sure to get some conversations started. Don t miss it!LinksCatch Venus and Ella live on The MON App Wednesday Sept 21st at 10am Pacific Time - https://themonapp.com/Friday Night Live Special Pillow Talk Event - https://www.crowdcast.io/venuscuckoldressVenus Connections Matchmaking - https://venusconnections.com/The Helpful Cuck Tier on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/VenusCuckoldressDestination Links for Venus - https://linktr.ee/venuscuckoldressSupport the showDestination Links for Venus - https://linktr.ee/venuscuckoldressLearn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices❤️Venus Connections❤️ - Matchmaking for loving cuckolding relationships and female-led relationships. Learn more at https://www.venusconnections.com/ 👑♠️ Maison De Neige is high end lifestyle and streetwear fashion with a passion for the beauty of interracial combined with high fashion. Visit https://www.maisondeneige.com/ ❤️xoafterglow.com❤️ Meet the platform for ethical porn. Made by women, for women (and everyone). We make and share videos that portray sex accurately and treat performers with dignity, because nothing is sexier than consent. Use code VENUS for a free 7 day trial at ➡️ https://afterglow.ubpages.com/venus/Support the showDestination Links for Venus - https://lnk.bio/VenusPodcast
Transcript
Hey, are you looking for a hot wife? Maybe you're looking for a cuckold relationship. Then you need to join Venus Connections matchmaking service. It's totally private, it's fun blind dates, and all members are vetted. And it works. There was even a wedding last year and there'll be another one next year. It's definitely hard to find your life partner. I know. And it's even harder to find this kind of relationship. But you'll never win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket, right? So join VenusConnections.com. That's VenusConnections.com. And find the relationship of your dreams.
Here's what's coming up on the Venus Cuckoldress podcast, and it's a big one. One minute he's like so turned on, and the next minute he's pissed off at you and being passive aggressive, and you're left like, what the fuck's going on?
And he can't explain it because he hasn't even figured it out you hit the nail on the head they don't even know how to explain what they're feeling and that's scary for them and that's the skills that we are talking about here right now so it's all kind of put the pieces into place when i read that article and i thought about what you said and i was like fuck that's exactly what it is there's work that needs to be done especially in this kind of relationship things that are feminine are just human they're we're all just human together there's nothing about anger that's masculine or unique to masculinity and there's nothing about like sensitivity or hurt feelings or crying that is unique like it's just so ridiculous when you think about it you're like this is what it means to be alive on this earth it is to feel these things and so like opening that up and expanding that and inviting men in saying you're allowed to be in here.
You're allowed to do this. But it's a scary move for them. It's a risky move for them. They give up power. They have to own parts of themselves that have been detached, demeaned, and abused.
And so they got to open all this up in order to access this communication, in to access this relational expertise that we're talking about this struggle of why do i like this i'm you know less than a man if i if i i'm not the man beta and yeah i'm beta i'm a piece of shit like all of that messaging that's out there yeah and it's part of that struggle that they're going through, which is shitty, is fucking shitty. Like then you come into this kind of relationship. He's still feeling that, but has no way to work through it.
And so this ends up manifesting into all sorts of problems that you see in cuckolding relationships. Let go your preconceived notions let go of your sense of control over this fantasy and and if they can love themselves and realize that they're not less of a man like you said like this is toxic masculinity when these guys are afraid of their fantasies afraid of their desires like feel like a loser feel whatever, feel whatever. I mean, my heart goes out to them. It's like, well, it's kind of obvious. I'm like, hello, you were taught to feel that way. That's not true. That's not the laws.
You were just taught to feel that way through a set of values that's harmful and toxic. Change your mind. The first act of violence is not of the patriarchy is not towards women. The first act of violence is towards the self. It's called the psychic self-mutilation of the boy. It is the psychic self-mutilation that young boys go through in order to be pushed through that system that says you can only act this way, you can only behave this way, you can only look this way, you can only sound this way, and it is toxic. And they are victims of the patriarchy too.
And we could have so much empathy and sympathy and room for the growth that they need to go through if we weren't unsafe. You are now listening to the Venus Cuckoldress podcast, a place to learn all things cuckolding for the curious, the passionate, and the sexually empowered woman who wants it all. Go to venuscuckoldress.com to subscribe to the podcast, ask a question for the show, and find the elusive Venus Vault, a sneak peek behind the bedroom door. Now sit back, make yourself comfortable, and let's dive right into this episode of the Venus Cuckoldress podcast. I'm your host Venus.
Thank you so much for joining me today. And this episode is going to be powerful. What we are going to discuss on this episode today is probably the most important thing I have ever discussed when it comes to the cuckolding lifestyle. To me, it really does feel like this is the missing piece to the puzzle. I have a returning guest today. Her name is Ella. She was on this podcast. The episode launched on the 5th of March of 2022 this year. And that episode was titled Secrets of the Elusive Single Cuckoldress. Now, she made some astounding statements that really shook listeners.
I mean, I had feedback upon feedback upon feedback that people were just like amazed, shocked, stunned by what she had to say. And on today's episode, we're going to combine those statements that she made with something that was written on Psychology Today website is an article that went viral. We're going to combine those two things. We're going to connect the dots between them to reveal a critical missing skill set when it comes to cuckolding relationships. So I'm going to tell you right now, who is this episode for? This is for cucks, wannabe cucks, aspiring cucks.
If you are scared about turning your fantasies into reality, this episode is for you. If you are terrified of anyone finding out that you have these kind of desires, this episode is for you. If you're afraid to talk to your wife or partner about cuckolding, this is for you. If you are single and you want to find a cuckoldress or you want to find a woman who's interested in a loving cuckolding relationship, this is for you. If you are stuck in that cuck shame spiral, that self-loathing spiral, this is for you.
If you cycle between wanting this and then hating your desires about this, this is for you. And women, if you have a partner who is interested in cuckolding and you notice this kind of strange behavior where one minute they feel like they're all in. It's so hot. It's so exciting. They want it so badly. It's so amazing. And then you're perplexed by this odd behavior, maybe the next day or down the road, where they're acting a little bit strange.
They're acting like they're not really into it and they get, maybe they get cold feet a little bit or they lash out a little bit or they're just, they seem withdrawn. This episode is for you. All right, now before we get into this episode, I'm going to just talk about a few little announcements. The first actually has to do with this episode today. So I will be doing a Moan chat with Ella, who's joining me on today's show. And we're going to talk a little bit more about this subject, about what we discuss in the show today. We're going to take questions from you, comments, whatever.
We would love to have you join us. It's free. It's on the Moan app and it's going to be Wednesday, September 21st at 10 a.m. Pacific time. That's 1 p.m. Eastern on the Moan app. And the link for the Moan app, if you want to download it and haven't done so already, it is in the description notes for today's episode. Next is a biggie. So the next Pillow Talk event is open to everyone, not just Patreon subscribers. And it is going to be September 23rd. That's a Friday. Make sure you mark your calendar. This one is going to be huge.
I am talking about some big announcements that I'm going to make in this Pillow Talk event. And I'm pretty sure everyone is going to leave that event feeling like so surprised. Because it's probably the biggest decision I've made in the entire time that I've been blogging or podcasting. So you'll be sure to check that out. That's live on Crowdcast Pillow Talk event. You can get more information in the show notes for today in the description. There's going to be a link there for you. Okay, that's it for quick little announcements. Let's jump into this because it's a bit of a long one.
Make sure that you have the opportunity to listen carefully to it. And don't hesitate to listen to it twice because there are so many important parts. Get out your paper and your pen, make notes, whatever. Make sure that you listen carefully to this one. All right, let's get started. Welcome to the show ella i'm so happy to have you back for those of you listening i've had ella on uh once before on the show and it was such an awesome awesome episode that was back in march of this year 2022 and we had a little chat that the title of the episode was Secrets of the Elusive Single Cuckold Dress.
And you gave some really fascinating insight into what it's like from a female perspective to be dating or trying to date in this lifestyle, and the cuckolding lifestyle. What has it been like for you? You gave some amazing insight into that and advice. So welcome back to the show, Ella. I'm super happy to have you here. Say hello to all of the listeners. Hello, everyone. I'm so glad to be back talking here with you, Venus. It's a pleasure. I so look forward to this conversation. Wonderful. Okay, so let's jump right into it.
The last time we spoke, you were in the Venus Connections matchmaking service, dating. And where are you at right now with your relationship status interracial black and white the beautiful and sexy relationship dynamic that we love now in a lifestyle clothing brand you can wear with pride don't sacrifice quality and comfort any longer with Maison Dines you get, you get both in fresh, empowering looks for every occasion, for everyone. From the streets to the sheets and everywhere in between. Check us out at MaisonDinege.com. Maison Dinege Couture. Modern fashion for the modern revolution.
Currently, I am no longer single the venus connections program worked it worked so well and i am in a relationship with a man a cuckold man and we've been together going on about five months now. So yeah, we met back in April. We had our dates, like the program set us up and we clicked so fast and we moved so fast. I'm actually hopped countries and I'm living with him now. So we're on our way to really developing that really solid vanilla basis where we're working hard. We're crazy in this crazy little love bubble. And it's just, it's fantastic. It's fabulous. Yay, success story.
Yeah, success to you, Venus. You changed our lives. So, I so i mean i hope you i hope you take a lot of pride and a lot of satisfaction and like helping people you have helped us like you matched me with my man so um i just can't thank you enough oh my god that makes me feel the ultimate level of joy and satisfaction and fulfillment in my life. Like, I'm so happy. Okay. So what do I want? I want to talk with you about today.
The last time you were on the show, you, we talked a lot about some really interesting things, but one of the things that literally fucking shook the listeners me too was something that you said okay about um self like introspection on on behalf of men so what you said was and we were this is how it came up we were talking about communication and you were saying that, you know, varsity level communication is required for this. And I was like, yes, varsity, not kindergarten varsity.
And you said, it's more than just knowing how to talk and knowing how to listen, which is, I think what most people think about when they think about communication. Um, but you said like, it's things like, do you know what to say? Do you know how to describe your feelings? Do you know what your interior experience is?
And those kind of things require for you to be able to interrogate yourself about why you're feeling something the way you feel and all of that, which, like you said on last time can be scary and it can be uncomfortable and not a place that some guys really want to go to they want to think about how fun and exciting and wank off material cuckolding is right and this other side of it is i don't want to have to deal with that um so we were talking about that and And think I, I just quipped some little thing like, Oh, do you think guys actually have the ability to, you know, interrogate themselves emotionally?
And cause I was like, I doubt it. But then you fucking slammed it down with this. You said, when we talk about living under the patriarchy, one of the privileges that men and male bodied people can get away with is they don't have to be introspective about how they feel because the world doesn't interrupt it enough for it to be necessary. You said systems work for men because they're built for men.
And that was just like mic shit like because like I had so many people who were contacting me afterwards saying oh my god what a great show that was amazing she had so many great things to say but that one part where she said that part about you know it systems are built for men I the guys were like it's like seeing something that you can never unsee afterwards they were like you know enlightened completely after that and just shook by it because they never even thought about it that way but it is so true right and so I remember that.
And then recently when this viral article happened on psychologytoday.com, the Psychology Today magazine, there was a psychologist by the name of Greg Matos, Matos, I don't know how to pronounce it, where he titled it The Rise of Single Lonely Men. And as soon as I read this, because the title is like, wait, what? He was saying that, you know, one of the key points is that there's been an increase in relationship standards. So women are becoming more choosy about what they want. And they are saying that they want men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share the same values.
Like you said, the values are really important to you. And you want to find someone who kind of lines up with that. And so he was saying that like, there is an actual skills gap when it comes to emotional intelligence and communication, that men are likely not even aware exists. And it wasn't until I read that, that I remembered that quote from you about the systems are made for men in a way that it makes them not have to analyze their interior experience.
And I was like, oh my gosh, like all of these light bulbs like started pinging and I was like, holy fuck, she's so, she's, that's exactly what she was talking about. So I want to dive into this today with you because obviously communication and emotional intelligence are prerequisites for this kind of relationship in any relationship but cuckolding especially because there is this mental challenge that goes on for both the men and the women but especially for the men and how they deal with that is indicative of the health of their relationship. So let's, let's fucking jump right into this.
What are your thoughts? What are your thoughts on this, Ella? Oh, man, my thoughts are that if it if this is indeed a lack of a skill set then then it's something that can be learned. And I will say, I think with so much access to the internet, so much free advice happening from different sorts of influencers and thought leaders and professionals on TikTok, on Twitter, on Instagram, on podcasting, there are so many people out there saying, we know how to help you. We know what advice to give.
There are things that you can do to heal from traumas and then become a better partner, become a better listener, become more settled with yourself, have healthy boundaries, like healthy communication styles, like nonviolent communication, like can get over your narcissistic injuries and like really become a skilled relational person. And it's sort of in preparation to talking to you today, I was listening to one of my favorite persons talking about relationships out there is Esther Perel, Dr. Perel. She's fantastic.
And, um, I would just highly recommend anybody who's curious about relationship advice and healthy relationship advice. You can listen to any of her stuff. She has podcasts, she has books, but she, she calls it relational intelligence as opposed to emotional intelligence. And I appreciate both, uh, phrases, but I, I really am liking the focus on relational intelligence, which is that it, it takes knowing yourself to be with people.
And this is what we talked about the last episode with communication with like sort of the learning for the Venus Connections program like it's basic things that for many reasons a lot of men haven't learned how to do and women are not required to be with men anymore this is one of the one of the um responses from the article that is interesting to me and like I'm just like over here clapping Thank you. This is one of the one of the responses from the article that is interesting to me.
And like, I'm just like over here, clapping my hands, waving my flag, being like, yes, you can thrive on your own. No matter what gender you are, you can thrive on your own. We don't live in a world anymore that, well, we still do, but we are we are non-traditional people.
If you are listening to this podcast and you are in the lifestyle or want to be in the lifestyle, anymore that well we still do but we are we are non-traditional people if you are listening to this podcast and you are in the lifestyle or want to be in the lifestyle you want to live a non-traditional life and that means taking away some of these dominant paradigms as what we all thought was like law rule you know natural the natural physical world it's like it's not monogamous anymore. It's not heterosexual anymore. It's not cisgendered anymore.
We all live on spectrums and identity is a vast, varied, beautiful thing that we can all sort of claim for ourselves and even evolve. And so it just, you have to know yourself in order to be in these relationships. It's not traditional. It is taking away some of these norms and rules and paradigms and saying, we're going to do it differently. But we have some learning curves. And we have some learning curves because we didn't grow up with polyamorous love stories in our media, in our movies, in our books, in our homes, in our families. We don't have examples of how to do this.
And so if with some of my other polyamorous friends, I've always sort of said, we're kind of the blind leading the blind here, but we're going, we're being as good as we can. We're learning as fast as we can. We're developing systems. We're developing rules. We're developing language around how to do this, around what is sort of works and sort of maybe doesn't kind of work. And we're learning who we are through this process of sort of becoming who we are. And this is available to everyone. But yeah, there's a skills deficit and the standard is higher.
And you do have to come to the table a more healthy, whole, complete person who is aware of the challenge of minority people, aware of the deficits of what it means being a woman or a female-bodied person in this world. You have to be sensitive to these issues. You have to start to begin to understand them and say, I trust and I believe what these people are saying about their experience. And we have too many voices and we're oversaturated with the voices, but we have so many voices saying, Hey, hi, this is hard. And I feel really, you know, I feel I'm a target. People don't like me.
I'm trans and I'm being targeted. I'm a woman. I'm being targeted. You know, I have too many voices out there saying, this is my experience. And millions of people are standing up and raising their hands and saying, me fucking too. You know, no pun intended, but me too. That's the high. I resonate with that. I identify with that. I've experienced that and here's how I did it. Here's what's happened to me. And women are all coming up. Like if you're a cis hetero or if you're a hetero woman and you're raising your hand being like, yeah, I can't find a man who's on my level.
I can't find, I'm in the dating pool. And not only are they not on my on my level they're abusive there's so many ugly experiences happening to people online that like people are are just checking out and saying fuck it I'm gonna do it on my own I'm gonna I make my own money I'm gonna have my house I'm gonna have my own kids I'm gonna have my own pets I'm gonna do my own thing and I can be a solo person in this world. It's not this shameful thing anymore. And people who do say it is, you just tell them to fuck off and say, you don't get to decide. I get to decide. I know what's best for me.
I'm an autonomous, self-directed person. And we're moving past the vice grip sort of norms and standards that I would call patriarchal and I would call born out of conservative religious ideology. I'm not trying to make broad statements here. I'm just trying to say these things are scientifically intertwined just, it's just, it's just where it comes from. It's just sort of how it is.
And so I think when we look at this article and we look at the skill sets that we're trying to identify that we want, and we talk about the rise of lonely single men, it is a rise because less people are partnering with men because they're not showing up to the table, and well and we know what's at stake if we get involved with men who aren't healthy for us our very lives are at stake like it is just no there's no point in diminishing um the risk when it comes to being um a person in the world who doesn't have the power of the dominant paradigm. So I hope men are listening.
I hope men are understanding that we want you to be here with us. We want you to come into the fold. We want you to be moving forward. And we want you to be in the circle. We want you to be involved, but there's a standard and our wellbeing and safety trumps your happiness, quote unquote. And that is a, that is a tough reality for some of these men.
It's a tough awakening to a world that feels like it's rejecting them, but we're not them we're just saying you have to go back to school and learn and get better and then you can come join the club you need to go from kindergarten level to varsity level yes exactly start at square one baby boy and then come back and see us and and if you're trying and you mean well and you really like you really can interrogate some toxic shit that this is the thing i've always said my favorite quote about the patriarchy comes from bell hooks uh rest in power uh they said the first act of violence is not of the patriarchy is not towards women.
The first act of violence is towards the self. It's called the psychic self-mutilation of the boy. It is the psychic self-mutilation that young boys go through in order to be pushed through that system that says you can only act this way, you can only behave this way, you can only look this way, you can only sound this way. And it is toxic. And they are victims of the patriarchy too. And we could Thank you. Where we don't feel safe, that is a line.
And we have some very deep lines between us and some of the, some of these dudes on, on 4chan, some of the MRA dudes, some of the people who, you know, just, they just, you know, they're misogynists. They just don't like women. They, they would, they want to control us, control our bodies, et cetera, et cetera. and say that we are made for them in the image of them. And again, where we come reflects some religious mythologies that reinforce patriarchy and they are connected, you know, and we have to be critical about these narratives.
We have to be critical about how these ideologies pervade our culture, pervade our societies, and then create the fabric that we are enmeshed in. And we are simple little sponges that soak up whatever's given to us, right? It's sort of how the brain works. It's just, it's just how it is. So we have to interrogate these systems. And that means men going back to school and interrogating themselves and saying, what, where did I grow up? What, what values and systems did I grow up under? Are these things harmful? Are these things violent? Are these things equal?
Are we really considering the uh opportunity and freedom of everyone or are these are the systems racist and misogynist and ableist and transphobic and queer phobic and do we what can we do to create a truly democratic society and i use democratic loosely because who knows what that means but like how can we create a society where people feel safe everyone deserves to feel like they belong it breaks my heart to hear that men are feeling rejected and it's like that's not that's not the point of saying this that's not the point of freeing this information the point in in saying this and having articles like psychology Today is to say that this is the reality of what we're living through and you are a part of it and you have to own your part in it.
And if we can collaborate and work together, that means that you have a lot of responsibility. You have a lot of responsibility as the people who still fucking hold power, who hold the levers of society, who hold the money for Christ's sake. These things matter. These things really do inform how we're able to take care of ourselves and how we're able to escape situations of harm and trauma and abuse. And that's what everyone's trying to do.
No one gets out of it it alive in my opinion we're all abused little babies just trying to you know worm our way through the world and like heal and and not hurt others in the process and i think i think it's just an interesting conversation and i really appreciate this article for moving it forward and i and i really appreciate you venus for also moving this conversation forward in our in our collective lifestyle that this is essentially what you've been talking about the whole time like emotional intelligence relational intelligence communication styles communication awareness like non-violent communication like understanding when your needs have a over attachment, like, like unhealthy attachment styles and understanding when your needs are relevant, and how to get them from your partner and how to explain these things.
Like, you have to know your interior world. It's just, it's just what it takes. And it is possible for men to learn this. yeah, it's really interesting because just going back on a few things that you said, the research does show that women are happier when they are single than men when they're single. Men are lonelier when they are single. They feel happier when they are attached in a relationship. and um and in article, it was so interesting because he's saying there, there's over 60% men on dating apps. And why is there this imbalance? It's this gender imbalance on the, on the dating apps.
Well, it's because women have had shitty experiences on the dating apps.
Like they've come across some guys with really shitty fucking behavior like dick pics and rude as fuck and misogynist and all of this garbage fakes and flakes is like doesn't even begin to describe this the spectrum of experience it's like fakes and flakes ha ha ha you're lucky if you're not like casually dehumanized on the internet like and there's only so much we can take our bandwidths are low we just we went through a global pandemic economics this fucking war like come on our bandwidths are low we need care we need vitality not stuff that's leaking the battery out of us and some and it takes it takes resiliency to be online these days i know so many people who got off twitter got off facebook and we're just talking about like fucking vanilla professional profiles where people are or people who just have public lives like they're just like fuck it i don't need this i'm fine i don't need the abuse that twitter the casual abuse well he was saying that the so the experience for women is the really he's he thinks that the reason why there aren't a lot of women on the vanilla dating sites never mind cuckolding cuckolding is the gender imbalance it's way worse um but on the vanilla sites is that yeah it's shitty experiences but it's also that there's so many men to choose from it's overwhelming and none they all start to seem the same and you're start looking for something that's going to stand out and you just don't find it and it's just overwhelming and they're like fuck it i'm out you know we we we don't like an abundance of choice our brains like we tend to sort of break down a little bit when there's too many choices.
I think there's been some science around that too. Yeah. Oh, for sure. There has been. Yeah. But it's interesting because in this, in this article, he also said regarding these skills deficits, this really hit me. He said, emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy long-term love and requires all the skills that families still are not teaching their boys. I'm like, okay, there you go. There it is. These boys are not being taught these skills.
It's not the fault of these guys they're not just ignorant they're not just you know being idiots they literally don't they were never taught these skills and it's interesting that they a lot of these guys I'm assuming have never even realized that they are deficient in these skills and yet us women are standing here waving the flag going And you know we've been asking for this for a long time I've known this in my bones since I was five so something like that you know yeah I think it goes back to what did I say what did you say that I said in the episode earlier like systems are built for men so that they don't have to It's, it we as human beings on this planet we change when we are presented with challenges like with things that are different quote unquote like when things interrupt our known systems our known patterns our known habits uh we're, you know, presented with, like, the option to grow and change and make choices and respond to it.
And I think there is this phenomenon of men going through life literally having no opportunity to know that they have these skills deficits, or that there's some learning to be done, or that in order to be a cohesive society, we have to heal from the systemic harms of, you know, forever ago. It's just, it just never ends. It's been going on for so long and it's, it's not ending. And so, yeah, when, when you don't have the opportunity to even be aware, it really does it.
My heart goes out to all of us in this situation, because if we start like saying shit and, and playing this blame game of you, this and you that, and it's like, no, it's not about blame. about blame it's about responsibility and everyone moving forward together saying we're all responsible for society we're all responsible for each other as human beings we do owe each other this is my you know good place moral philosophy you know Chidi would say what do we owe each other well we do owe each other we're pack animals we social pack animals.
It's why the science says men are unhappy if they're single. Women want interconnection too, but they can have it while they're single because they have it from their friends, their family, their girlfriends. We are making social connections in so many different ways, not just romantic, sexual ways. So, you know, you have to have a network of people. You have to have your group, the people who know you, who you trust, who you can rely on. And this is what makes us healthy and happy. This is how we thrive. This is how we feel safe. So we're pack animals that need this.
And my heart goes out to all of us because it's in a way it's like, they're just waking up to this information for the first time in their lives. How, how, why, why would we hold their feet over the fire for something that wasn't in their control either? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I was so fascinated by that because I was like, oh my gosh, there's work that needs to be done there, but we can't even begin to do that unless people are aware that that need is there. I think that's why this has gone viral. But I found it fascinating because this is vanilla dating that he's talking about.
And yes, there's all of these other kinds of relationships, polyamory, um, and cuckolding and whatever that require even more.
I mean, if you listen to the guests I've had on my show over the years, all of the couples have said, we talk about everything we have have like we communication is on like high top level next level this has been echoed over and over and over again with these healthy relationships cuckolding relationships and so i'm like i know communication is important so when i put together the educational part of venus connections um i did put a part on communication, only touched on it. There was a little bit about, you know, great tips about communicating, blah.
But one of the questions I asked the men was, how do you see your own level of communication? Like, do you, do you feel like it is, it's, it's good or can, what, or what? And I noticed right away, every single answer. Like, do you, do you feel like it is, it's, it's good or can, what, or what? And I noticed right away, every single answer was pretty much the same where they said, oh, I think I'm pretty good at communication, but you know, there's always room for improvement. It was that sentence basically over and over and over again. And I thought, oh, that's interesting.
I never had anyone say, like, I realized that there's a lot about my, you know, communicating my feelings that I'm not good at that I need to work. I never had that. And I was like, Oh, cause maybe we think that communicating is just about talking and listening. That's it.
Like I know how to talk and i know how to listen sometimes but and it's kind of like the like we're saying when when men when men go through patriarchal norms and standards their identity is reduced you know their interior world is is is reduced and and put it i would say at harm like you're not allowed to cry like the the not allowed to feel things you're not allowed to really in essence you're not allowed to do say or display things that are coded as feminine and because and therein lies the misogyny because that scene is less than that scene is bad that scene is and that's how you know patriarchy and misogyny is about is anti-feminine anti-femininity and gender is such a spectrum like can we it's like i love i hate how this keeps us in the binary you know like we're stuck in a binary conversation as if gender isn't a spectrum still you know and it's just like oh okay but whatever in the binary what we're saying is that because this is what patriarchy believes in they believe in the binary binary, they think that's the only thing that exists.
And so that's, it's anti woman, it's essentially anti women. And so, but things that are feminine are just human. We're all just human together. There's nothing about anger, that's masculine, or unique to masculinity. And there's nothing about nothing about like you know sensitivity or hurt feelings or crying that is unique like it's just so ridiculous when you think about it you're like every single human being and let's expand the steve and other species on the planet we know animals feel we know this is what happens This is what it means to be alive on this earth.
It is to feel these things. And so opening that up and expanding that and inviting men in saying, you're allowed to be in here. You're allowed to do this. But it's a scary move for them. It's a risky move for them. They give up power. They have to own parts of themselves that have been detached, demeaned, and abused. And so they got to open all this up in order to access this communication, in order to access this relational expertise that we're talking about.
and it's not all or nothing it's we're all imperfect beings it's not as if women have tapped into like you know the end all be all like of of emotional racial intelligence we we fuck it up too some of us are closed off and injured and like you know toxic the the very families you talk about who aren't teaching their boys how to have these skills are women yeah so let's be honest because in these homes women are the domestic leaders because that is what the patriarchy says women should do and be. So women are fucking misogynists as well.
And let's not, let's not, you know, be reductive about this. It isn't black and white. So, but for those of us that are in the fight, that want to heal from our trauma, that want to be better people, that want to have meaningful, dynamic relationships, we know what it, we just happen to have the information that says we know what it takes. Thank you.
from our trauma that want to be better people that want to have meaningful dynamic relationships we know what it we just happen to have the information that says we know what it takes and we know how to heal and or we know who to go to and say hey i need help like ask any woman if they had help in becoming good at relational uh communication and work ask any woman if they've had help inspiration at understanding what non-violent communication is what what it means to have healthy boundaries we we research the hell out of this shit we have asked for help left and right this is something that we all go through a process of learning and so we just want to invite everyone that says come do this thing that we learned too no one's perfect and there's no ending point it's it's you're always growing you're all you know we live we you know it's like a shark don't ever stop swimming or you're gonna die you just we just want to keep doing this work you know so it's it's it is it is the work for everyone to do and for everyone to be able to access but it really is the standard now it really is this you know tick tock mental health which i kind of go into little little click holes uh i really can appreciate some of the professionals on there giving their advice saying like this is the this is the psychosocial language this is what western ideals of like healthy of mental health are this is the aim this is this is what it means to be self-directed and independent yet um you know belonging to a group and and owing people in your life the the honor and privilege of being there for each other and creating a life together.
So we just want everyone to be in on that. But that is the standard now. And it is a tough, tough wake up call for some people who probably feel really scared. And sometimes the defensive reaction to being scared is to being angry and violent. And I think that's how some men are reacting. Yeah, absolutely. It's a knee-jerk reaction, I think. But it's interesting because, I mean, I've talked over the years a lot about cucks going through a lot of emotional struggle in this kind of relationship, not just in the relationship, but of just, you know, having these sexual desires.
There is this real, for I think nearly everyone, if not everyone, all guys that have this struggle of why do I like this? I shouldn't like this. I wish I didn't like this. I hate myself for this, this kind of self-loathing. I'm, you know, less than a man. If I am, I'm a fucking loser. I'm, I'm not the man and yeah, I'm beta. I'm a piece of shit. Like all of that messaging that's out there is all absorbed. And it's part of that kind of struggle that they're going through, which is shitty, is fucking shitty.
Like I, yeah anyway I know but what that takes a lot out of a guy 100% takes a lot out of guy and then then also you know you come into this kind of relationship he's still feeling that likely but has no way to work through it and so this ends up manifesting into all sorts of problems that you see in cuckolding relationships where he's you know angry uh one minute he's like so turned on and the next minute he's pissed off at you and being passive aggressive. And like, you're like, you're left like, what the fuck's going on? And he can't explain it because he hasn't even figured it out.
You hit the nail on the head. They don't even know how to explain what they're feeling. And that's scary for them. And that's the skills that we are talking about here right now. And so I've kind of always figured out that, you know, there's some mental health work that needs to be done for cucks to be able to arrive in this lifestyle in a place where they're really ready for a relationship, where they are, you know, in a place where they can receive love from someone else and it'd be a healthy situation. Receive love from themselves, self-compassion, self-love because that's where it starts.
And that opens you up to receiving love from your partner and having these healthy communications and confronting together uncomfortable feelings because that is what happens for everyone. Simply everyone. So it's all kind of put the pieces into place when I read that article and I thought about what you said and I was like, fuck, that's exactly what it is. There's work that needs to be done, especially in this kind of relationship. And the resources just aren't there. They're just not there of the conversations haven't been there because I haven't figured it out until now.
It's been fucking years. Just figuring out as we go. So, but, um, what, uh, what I all, I also know about the women who are looking for this kind of relationship is that, first of all, they are in a period in their life where they know what they want. And this goes back to what is said in this article where women are becoming more selective in their potential partners. They're looking for these qualities of good communicator, emotionally available, similar values. And they don't want to just chase love.
It's not like they're just like, oh, I just want to fall in love and everything else will fall into place. They're like, fuck that. I know what I want. And so they're usually between like 30 and 50, early 50s. And that's where they know what they want in their life. Sure. And, and so I have felt like maybe guys assume that dating in the cuckolding lifestyle is the same as dating in the, the vanilla lifestyle where they just have to put up a profile and talk and chit chat and impress her with a few little lines, first lines and, you know, like that kind of thing. And then shit will happen.
But I'm like, no, in this kind of relationship, dating in the cuckolding lifestyle, I'm like, you have to really do the fucking work on yourself and you have to put in the effort. And so one of the things that I thought was really interesting about what this guy said is that level up, this is to the guys, level up your mental health game. That means getting into some individual therapy to address your skills gap. It means valuing your own internal world and respecting your ideas enough to communicate them effectively.
It means seeing intimacy, romance, and emotional connection as worthy of your time and effort. And that is amazing because he's saying you need to make this a priority and you need to take the initiative to go and learn all of these skills that you need to bring to the table. And he says how to do it. And that is how you do it. You go to fucking therapy. That's just what we did. That's what I did. That's what everyone does. Like, I just don't know anybody who hasn't had to do that.
And that's, you know, like, this is about relationship, lifestyle, like finding a partner, being in healthy, being in a healthy relationship with a partner or partners. And it could be about like, you have to, your dad was a narcissistic asshole and you have narcissistic, it could be so specific. It could be about so many things, but how you were raised and what happened to you in your childhood absolutely affects everything about how you are an adult today.
And in order to understand what you learned and how you coped with the environment that you were given and how that sets you up for success or failure as an adult, you have to be in individual therapy with a qualified professional.
that's like one of the only ways to do it you can i know some people are a little iffy about talk therapy some do group stuff some do like just self-work and webinars and a lot of self-education and i give props to people who do that too but i will say your growth is just slower yeah you can grow by yourself you can grow if you don't have access to the money or the health insurance, or like, it's just, you know, we're post COVID, like everyone's in fucking, there's not enough therapists for all of us, you know? So if there's a shortage, listen, you can do this work online.
Like I said, we have a wealth of people who are online right now being like, Hey, I have some ideas about how to heal. Here's some advice. Take it. If it feels useful to you, take it. If it doesn't keep going until you find what feels useful to you and you can grow on your own, but it just happens so much faster in therapy because you will never be able to empirically observe yourself the way a qualified mental health professional can. So absolutely. He says how to do it. That is how you do it. So So we're going how to do it. That is how you do it.
So we really need to give a lot of props to our mental health professionals who are doing the hard work. If you're out there listening, we hear you, we see, we see, we love you.
Thank you so fucking much for saving us all and going to school and getting it done because you know this is this is kind of what we all need it's it's what we it's what we need for a healthy thriving society i would view it as completely essential health care um but that's just how i would run the world yeah you know what he he ended off by saying something that i think is really profound um well he said said a lot of profound things, but this was really, really amazing.
So he said, ultimately, we have an opportunity to revolutionize romantic relationships and establish new, healthier norms, starting with the first date. It's likely that some of these romances will be transformative and healing, disrupting generational trauma and establishing a fresh culture of admiration and validation. Oh, that's beautiful. And I was like, right? That's beautiful. It's such a beautiful, and this is the hope we're talking about. There's hope.
There's so much hope for if you feel like one of these lonely single men, or you feel like you have challenges in the dating world for whatever your relationship lifestyle goals are, there is hope because there's so many people out there that essentially want the same things, but they just need, they just need you to be like a little bit more healed than you might be right now, you know, And we have a lot of compassion and love for that process and how hard it is. You have to be brave.
I personally think that to go through the therapy that it takes to address systemic or childhood traumas, traumas, big T or little t, you're going to go through the worst pain you've ever felt in your life. I don't think there's any point in minimizing what might be part of your process or part of your story if you decide to actually open up and feel these things inside that have been ignored for a long time. It's going to be painful. You have to be brave. You have to be courageous and you have to want it. And you have to want it for the right reasons.
You can't want it and then say, oh, I'm going to go control women.
You know, you can't go through therapy, love yourself, and then say, you know, trans people should be denied their right to live and forced birth is the way we should, you know, it's like, there's some natural values that go with the sense of individual freedom with the sense of self-compassion if you really do love yourself you're not going to hate other people the way some of this ideology requires you to dehumanize other people and so this is where we see values shift like you say it's so important in the program women like thing that's been so steady, I think you put this in an email, is that the values point.
Women are so rock solid about needing this and requiring this and making it a deal breaker, saying, I am not going to be with a guy who essentially dehumanizes me or people like me. That's not, you won't have those relations. We won't have the same value sets in order to create that intimate connection, that intimate, like romantic, loving and healthy connection. And so you see these values shift once people start to love themselves properly and say, I deserved better. I deserve to be proud of myself. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to be easy on myself.
I deserve to feel gratitude for what I have been given and realize that it's not all like, it's not one giant pile of shit. It's just, you know, there was shitty stuff interspersed, but we're all still incredibly privileged.
If you decide to to count yourself among the privileged folks then you can feel grateful for what you did get and you you start to see the the value shift that women are looking for women want you to feel compassion for for all human beings women want you to feel like you have patience and space for things that are new or challenging or scary and say that you're not going to close down and back off and or get violent or weird. Those things are scary for us. We have seen it happen.
Some of us may have even been through relationships like that where we felt like we weren't safe because if something upset him, if something didn't go his way, if something poked these uncomfortable, painful, you know, spaces inside, and he wasn't ready or willing to rise to the challenge of facing it and experiencing processing that pain, then we could be in an unsafe environment.
absolutely and the dating world is dangerous enough exactly um cucks single cucks who have not you know are not in a in a healthy space to be able to process their own feelings yeah yeah absolutely fucking dangerous count me i've been so surprised at how many single cucks, like in my time dating online, I was so surprised at how many single cucks really don't embody the values that like, to me, it's kind of a requirement that you can't control a woman.
The point of cuckolding, one of the points I would argue, is that you want to give this woman her autonomy to be her sexual, beautiful, loving self, experience multiple partners, experience like deep, amazing, mind-blowing orgasms that other men are going to give us. And then you free her, you don't lock her down and control her. You, I think that some of the cucks out there, I've just been surprised at how many just display to me, these sort of quality of like wanting to control us, wanting, you have to fit this mold. You have to fit this fantasy. You have to look this way.
And it's like- Only fuck guys that look like this. Yes. Yes. I know that you've talked about in the program saying, hey guys, just asking you to open up your spectrum about what you think is a beautiful woman. Can we just widen that up a bit?
because they're not all going to be like blonde bimbo-fied like goddesses like in this sort of like beauty beauty standard way you know like like confidence comes from within motherfuckers so come on get on board you know and it's like let go of your preconceived notions let go of your sense of control over this fantasy and and if they can love themselves and realize that they're not less of a man like you said like this is toxic masculinity when these guys are afraid of their fantasies afraid of their desires like feel like a loser feel whatever I mean my heart goes out to them it's like well it's kind of obvious I'm like hello I'm like, hello, you were taught to feel that way.
That's not true. That's not the laws. You were just taught to feel that way through a set of values that's harmful and toxic. Change your mind. Change your mind. Open it up. Change your mind. Exactly. That's all you need to do. Yes. Read some fucking books. individual therapy go to therapy therapy yes i thank you i just want to close this by saying that i literally when i think about cucks like want to cry because i love them that much like i'm like i love cucks for for who they are. I love them. I think they are beautiful.
The way that their mind works, when they love and accept themselves for it, it is such a fucking beautiful thing. Cucks make the best partners because they do give that freedom to women they don't't try to cage her. It is a fucking gift. And in you give him the gift of, you know, enjoying this lifestyle with you. And like, this is a very, very beautiful thing. And the potential for this kind of relationship is just like next level intimacy, bonding and love. And I loveucks so fucking much. But y'all need to do some work.
And I think that I want to give some love and support to cucks listening right now too and say, I think if you are a cuck, you actually are uniquely qualified to start this work. Like in a way you're already, you have been been presented with a desire a fantasy that is interrupting your sense of masculinity and it's throwing your shit off course and there's there's there are feelings involved who knows what your experience is but you are uniquely qualified because you have this interrupter that says hey hey, maybe not everything I was taught is okay.
Maybe some shit in this world is kind of fucked and people are being harmed by it. And I should be part of the solution. And not only can I be a part of the solution in a loving and helpful way to communities that are harmed and marginalized by patriarchal values, but I can help myself. like this is win-win, you guys. You are uniquely able to start this work and you are the guys we need. You have the power.
You have the power to start to listen carefully, understand, be kind to yourself when you start to feel scary things and then just breathe through it through it and then like keep going next level level up until you start to feel that connection you start to feel people are identifying with you start to see women mirroring you and they're like yeah like when women are comfortable and safe around you and start to mirror you then you know you're starting you're starting to get it you're starting to be there you're starting to be on this quote-unquote level um of which there are many kinds and it still takes all kinds of intimacy and connections and all personalities like you know everyone has a unique style everyone has love languages everyone attachment styles.
Like we all work with who we are. It's not about this like transformation where you have to be completely different. You're still going to be you, you know, like these guys are still going to bring their authentic, beautiful, funny selves to the table. They're just going to grow from some harms, you know? And I love these cucks. I really think that, I really think, I mean, listen to the guys on your program, some of the guys online that I've talked to and quote unquote dated, like they weren't all bad. They weren't all toxic, like porn, you know, frenzied guys. Some of them were really lovely.
We just like didn't live together. We, you know, didn't have the same sort of vanilla lifestyle choices. So they really are the guys that we need. It's just, it's just going to take a little bit more. Yeah, absolutely. Oh my gosh. I'm so glad that you tackled this with me today. This is like, I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are slowly starting to like show the big now. I can see it now. And it's a little bit of what you said. It's a little bit of what all these other people have said. It's a little bit. It's a lot about what this fucking article says.
And it's a little bit about from the cucks too. There's been conversations on the Moan app where, oh my God, the Moan app is so amazing. It has created a space, a safe space for cucks, single or coupled, to be able to go and talk to other cucks. Thank goodness.
And yeah, they were like, this is the first time I've actually been able to talk to somebody else, another guy like and they have these transformative conversations and that's where they're sharing I went to therapy I did the work I you know I'm in a good place and I I see those conversations I'm like oh my god yes like yes and then you have other guys saying you know I went to therapy too but I'd never wanted to like let anybody know because I'm ashamed or it's embarrassing. Guys aren't supposed to go to therapy, blah.
And they're actually having these like heart to heart conversations together. And thank God for that fucking app. I love it. It's great. And that's just one segment of the wonderful conversations and community that's being built. I need to, I need to do it more. My time zone just doesn't allow me to be in it as much, but I've, I, there was a while where I was listening kind of every night, just having it on in the background and hearing what people have to say and like listening to some other sort of like thought leaders within their communities. It's fantastic.
And I remember the first podcast episode I was on with you, I remember saying something like, blah, cucks talk to each other. And you're like, no, they don't. And you kind of blew my mind. I was like, oh, shit, they're not, like, talking. It just didn't even occur to me.
Because I'm like, isn't that what we do and i'm like oh i know right i know here's another aspect of like how we're how we're different and socialized to be different we're so like girls and feminine people are socialized to like connect and reach out and ask for help and find community and you know share experiences and like you grow and heal and learn from these things and it's just like when you're cut off from that um it's so lonely it's like yeah i just i want cooks to find each other i i don't want them to feel isolated or alone in these experiences and i'm i'm really glad i'm really glad to hear that this is happening it is and i'm oh that's why i love the moan app so much there's so there's a lot of reasons i love, but that is a big one for this lifestyle.
That is like, yes, we're on the right track. You're talking to each other. This is a good first step. That's great. Share, you know, share therapists. Like, let's do it. Trade numbers.
But speaking of the Moan app, I think you and I, we need to sit down and do a Moan chat together to continue this conversation because like, holy mind blown mind blown multiple times there's nothing left it's all blown right now we just need to process i know right like just process this like shift this monumental shift in our society at this time just like having these mass realizations together that like we've got work to do and yeah i would love to i would love to talk to you about it on moan and talk to the community and and love to get their feedback and you know all perspectives are welcome yep absolutely we will schedule something so if you're listening to this episode it'll be either in the intro or the outro the date and the time uh when we're gonna sit down on the mo, to be able to, to chit chat about this.
So if you have a question or you have a comment about this conversation, that's where you need to go, go onto the Moan app, join in, listen in on that, uh, conversation with myself and Ella. Ella, thank you so much for joining me on the show today. Thank you so much for having me. I always love talking to you. And thank you for hooking me up with my man. Oh, you're welcome. Thank you for Venus Connections. All right, that's going to be it for this episode. I hope you loved it. It was certainly transformative for me.
Don't forget, you can catch myself and Ella on the moan app live that's gonna be wednesday september 21st 10 a.m pacific uh 1 p.m eastern so make sure you join us we're gonna chat about what we talked about on this episode we're gonna take your questions comments feedback all that good stuff so that is the 21st of september write it down 10 a.m pacific time 1 p.m eastern if you haven't downloaded the moan app you really should the link is in the description notes for today don't forget you can go to venuscuckoldress.com and find so much amazing stuff there all right that's going to be it for this episode we'll see you next time.
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