You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that dat…
Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real…
Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you ve already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal…
Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions ab…
![[Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--replay-222-the-greater-the-tension-the-greater-the-potential-individuating-in.jpg)
Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that one and only Disney story? You re not…
If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, hu…
![[Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--replay-229-shadow-work-in-relationships-what-we-keep-from-ourselves.jpg)
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect tr…
![[Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--replay-177-shadow-dance-navigating-projections-in-relationships.jpg)
The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that sho…
![[Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted? — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--replay-105-shadow-work-what-if-your-monsters-were-trying-to-help-you-live-the.jpg)
Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about…
![[Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method) — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--replay-164-i-hate-this-get-unstuck-with-existential-kink-a-shadow-work-method.jpg)
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit…
Radical relating isn t just about who you re dating—it s about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of R…
Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it s easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore th…
We live in a culture where monogamy isn t just presented as one way to have relationships—it s positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most …
What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call the swamp —a period wher…
Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It s a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partn…
There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it s day-to-day preferences or deeper desi…
When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's…
Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You re not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let s explore …
Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you re navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family memb…
Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can t successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into conscio…
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect tr…
Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You re not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship m…
We all carry shame—it s part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern an…
We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we le…
Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you re attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absen…
Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and…
Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don t even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual purity impact how we vi…
Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that one and only Disney story? You re not…
When we re feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partne…
Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we re speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misund…
Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the jumping out of the airplane without a parachute approach). But after 33 years of marri…
When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, a…
Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing …
Jealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection…
When you ve been together for years, it s easy to let your relationship run on autopilot. But what happens when you need to reconnect, especially after a difficult period? In this episode, we share ou…
When we step outside established relationship norms, we re not just changing our dating lives—we re challenging entire paradigms that shape how we see the world. In this episode, we welcome Marla Schr…
When we think about altered states of consciousness, we often focus on individual experiences. But what happens when we bring psychedelics into our relationships—especially non-monogamous ones? The po…
Relationship ruptures happen to everyone, but repair is a skill that most of us were never really taught. When connections break down between partners, friends, family members, or colleagues, many of …
We all get caught in relationship drama from time to time. Whether it s with our partners, friends, family members, or even ourselves, these patterns can feel frustrating and difficult to escape. The …
When your partner experiences something for the first time with another person—whether it s a first date, first kiss, or first intimate encounter—it can trigger a complex mix of emotions. These first…
What actually changes when you go from swinging to polyamory? Is it just more dates—or a total shift in your emotional and relational world? We explore the real answers—plus the question no one wants …
Relationship structures don t have to follow a script. Whether you re monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, you can intentionally design all your relationships to fit exactly who s in them…
If you’ve been a PWF listener for a while, you know that we love self-agreements. Creating self-agreements based on your goals may sound like a simple process, but we find that some big questions ofte…
Jealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions. When we experience jealousy, we re experiencing a form of loss—whether it s the loss of attention, time, or even an imagined future–and often grief …
Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as …
When we step out of one relationship paradigm, phase, or stage and into another, we often find ourselves in a strange, uncomfortable space—neither here nor there. This space has a name: liminality. Fr…
When we open our relationships, we often focus on creating boundaries and agreements around emotions, time, and sex. But there s another crucial element that frequently gets overlooked (until it becom…
Many of us experience a relationship renaissance when we first open up. There's a delicious new energy, deeper conversations, rekindled passion, and a sense that we're seeing our partners (and ourselv…
We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating??It’s not always as easy as making an…
Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of a…
We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live…
Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re a…
Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!When we feel envi…
Let s be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It s uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we d rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy…
New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in mult…
When something isn t working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if th…
What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment??The realit…
![192 [Replay] What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--192-replay-what-would-you-do-with-your-full-power-a-conversation-about-kink.jpg)
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat wit…
![191 [Replay] Turn your Toxic Attractions into Psychological Growth with Sunny Megatron — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--191-replay-turn-your-toxic-attractions-into-psychological-growth-with-sunny.jpg)
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring th…
![190 [Replay] Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted? — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--190-replay-shadow-work-what-if-your-monsters-were-trying-to-help-you-live-the.jpg)
If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious proces…
![189 [Replay] Can my attachment style do non-monogamy? — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--189-replay-can-my-attachment-style-do-non-monogamy.jpg)
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stu…
![188 [Replay] Justice Jealousy — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--188-replay-justice-jealousy.jpg)
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them.Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of …
![187 [Replay] Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--187-replay-imago-dialogue-transforming-conflict-into-connection.jpg)
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing!Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr…
For too long, conversations about polyamory have centered on younger people. But what happens to open relationships as we get older? Kathy Labriola, author of many groundbreaking titles including The …
Navigating the endings of relationships doesn t have to be a disaster. When it comes to consciously uncoupling, it’s about so much more than “breaking up nicely.” We want to help you reimagine what’s …
If you’re polyamorous… what’s the point of getting married?? We get this question a lot. And although we are married, we also have a ton of mixed feelings about marriage. Marriage is way more complex …
Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal. You do NOT have to accept pain, discomfort, and limitations when it comes to sex, pregnancy, and childbirth as “just the way things are.”Dr. …
Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restr…
Navigating privacy and transparency in relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—especially when you and your partners have different comfort levels with information sharing. If you ve ever felt…
How do you tell the difference between being selfish and practicing healthy autonomy? You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s complicated! The line between hyper-individualism and differenti…
One of the most common concerns we hear about non-monogamous relationships is “but what about the kids?!?” We have a lot to say in response… but in this special episode, you get to hear it from one of…
Are you struggling to talk to your friends and family about your non-monogamous identity? Whether you’re unsure how to start the conversation or you’ve tried before and it didn’t go so well, we’re her…
The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that sho…
Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplic…
Coming out as non-monogamous can bring its own set of challenges and concerns, especially if you also hold other marginalized identities. And maintaining the social appearance of monogamy can come at …
It’s totally normal and understandable to want privacy around your relationships. Especially in a culture that can be less than understanding towards non-monogamous people.And, maintaining the social …
Dating → becoming exclusive → moving in together → getting married → having kids. This is the assumed trajectory that all relationships will take. If you’ve already started exploring non-monogamy, you…
We do so much grieving in our lifetimes. And not just about the deaths of loved ones—every time there is a change in our lives, we lose an old version of something. That loss can bring up big feelings…
If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself. If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agr…
“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won t feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking abo…
Relationship agreements are awesome. They can take you from a place of ambiguity and assumptions to a place of clarity and transparency. But what happens when the hardest part of relationship agreemen…
Eve and Andrea created a book that I wish I had 15 years ago when I was making the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. And I don’t say that lightly (if you know me, you know I have a LOT of poly…
Confession: We have not solved our mono-minds. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so even though we’ve done decades of deep work to break out of those default frameworks and process ou…
Scenario: your anchor partner is on a date with someone else. You know they have a super hot connection, and sex is definitely on the table. You’re excited for them… but once they leave, and the time …
Money, parenting, sharing space, schedules, rental agreements… these may not be the sexiest and most exciting aspects of non-monogamy, but they are important. In fact, they’re common stumbling blocks,…
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on what we can change in our lives. Take responsibility and make the changes needed. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by…
Abbey and Liam approach building conscious relationships in a way that’s refreshing, pragmatic, playful, and authentic, all at once. Their work focuses on creating space for open, real conversations a…
Opening up isn’t just about f*cking around and finding out. Done thoughtfully, it’s an experience of opening up yourself. It winds up being a journey of learning what you truly need and want and how t…
When we read Entwined, Alex Alberto’s genre-blending memoir, we felt seen, understood, and represented on a whole new level. We knew right away that we wanted Alex to join us on Playing With Fire—and …
Opening up your relationship does not automatically lead to you getting more of your needs met. Monogamy or not, identifying and communicating your needs, wants, and likes can be really challenging!! …
Resentment is one of those emotions that can be truly destructive in relationships. It can turn into contempt, and even acrimony… which is why we want to help you address these feelings early and thor…
Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the oth…
We talk about compersion a lot (duh, it’s awesome!!). But compersion is more than an emotion, and it’s more than the opposite of jealousy. Luckily, Marie Thouin (one of our podcast BFFs) returns to PW…
This episode is about betrayal. I know, super fun subject, but don’t click away!! Betrayal can touch on some of our deepest insecurities. But in my experience, the fear of betrayal can be more painful…
People hurt each other all the time. Even in the strongest relationships and with the best intentions, it happens! Ruptures in trust are not fun to think about, but we’ve found that addressing the sub…
This one’s for you, fellow relationship nerds! Listen in on this fabulous conversation with Dr. River Farrell, a clinical psychologist, independent non-monogamy researcher, and member of the polyamory…
Have you ever had really strong feelings for someone— so strong that they took over your brain (and maybe even your life)? That kind of obsession can be super exciting, but it can also have big conseq…
When you hear the phrase taking a break, do you think of fear, uncertainty, or sadness? We’ve been there, and we made this episode to help you forge a new path. More often than not, unintentional br…
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them. Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of…
So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right? Here’s the thing: everyone is different…
There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while …
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stu…
Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms: If you’ve be…
We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non-monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just d…
AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways?? To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We share our personal experiences with relational dysregu…
We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions. We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the le…
Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there s a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. S…
Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode, we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-functioning and under-functioning. If you suspect you mig…
Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships?? Luckily, in this …
![140 [Replay] Balancing Individuation & Secure Attachment with Polysecure Author Jessica Fern — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--140-replay-balancing-individuation-and-secure-attachment-with-polysecure-author.jpg)
Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode! ~ It s normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It s normal to want to individuate. …
Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode …
Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to p…
Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all of these changes can be positive, exciting, and b…
When one person in a monogamous relationship announces to their partner that they are polyamorous, it can be shocking, and it can bring up a lot of feelings. Some people call this “polybombing” - mayb…
Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monomind? Spoiler alert: we aren’t fans of veto power. …
‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact, when you put these frameworks into practice, they can actually m…
Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play! What does it mean to ‘do the work’ in your relationship? This p…
If you’ve had a partner bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, and your reaction was - ‘why am I not enough?’ - you’re not alone. We dive into why this feeling comes up so often for people who are …
Conversations about de-escalation can stir up a lot of fear—change freaks us out!—but things are always changing in our relationships, especially when we’re exploring non-monogamy and untangling ourse…
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring th…
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing! Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by D…
You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel split, conflicted, like you’re living in bifurcated p…
Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeling of jealousy tugging at you? You are so not alone. D…
If you’re at the beginning of your non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, this episode is for you. We’re joined by Emma and Fin from …
Struggling with your own jealousy? Partner struggling with jealousy? Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy? This episode was MADE for you. The jealousy roadmap emerged directly fro…
How does it go for you to show up with all your unique you-ness? Of course some of you is private, but it can be tricky to bring the rest of you out into your relationships. We talk with distinguished…
There are things you can do to build intimacy in your relationships, and things you can do that can break it down. We re talking about wording agreements and commitments in ways that avoid leaving bac…
Do the limited choices on the mainstream relationship menu leave you feeling restless and looking for something else? Do you think something more customized would suit you and your partners or partner…
Non-monogamy is a big adventure. It s also a huge source of fear and dysregulation for a lot of us. Individuating also involves quite a bit of discomfort. When that all gets too much, you can fall b…
If you ve got a relationship that s feeling like it s hit a plateau, what can you do? It doesn t matter if it s with a romantic partner or a friend or a family member, the moves are pretty similar. We…
Wiggly, firm, soft, rigid - peens are shape shifters. Why does that matter? Well, somebody you know might have one, and they might have feelings about that, what with the cultural pressures brought to…
You re alive in a human body, so you have a nervous system, and sometimes it freaks out. What do you do then? We learned Neuro-Somatic Intelligence from the incomparable Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Wel…
How much more satisfying would work be if you brought more of yourself into your work relationships? Joli talks with Beth Hankes (she/her) about the benefits of bringing your relational skills into th…
Guess what they didn t teach us in school? HOW TO DATE. Much less how to date MINDFULLY. Even less-less when we are ready to date non-monogamously. My lovely colleague and fellow Ph.D. Researcher, …
Have you been *working* on your relationships so hard you ve lost the sense of joy and pleasure of it all? Time for something new! Megan is an expert in coming home to our innate capacity to relate to…
Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what s next. When you follow your imagination that way …
How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurologist Elisabeth Kristof, and now you can hear about…
Swinging, sex clubs, bdsm, lifestyle - if you re into stories about these things, this episode is for you. Ashley Weller from the What s Your Position podcast joins us to share her experiences with an…
Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need? Dedeker, Emily, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory podcas…
Struggling with intimacy but you ve already tried *everything*? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we want you to know more about it! Brian Gibney, a Surrogate…
Did you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we re sharing: -How the scientific method can help you do this all with less pain (really!) -Why you are struggling w…
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat wit…
Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” The shadow of love is power in Jung s estima…
It s no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place. Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love. We transformed …
If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious proces…
Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes. What goes into our plans? W…
Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner s system. But if you never bring it up, you ll never even know what s possible for you. Here s how you can plan for success and make this potent…
Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self. More connect…
Is polyamory something innate in you, like an orientation? Is it a practice? A philosophy? A mindset? An identity? A choice? Being able to describe your approach to polyamory makes it easier to conne…
It s our 100th episode of Playing with Fire! This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli s first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited abo…
It s normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It s normal to want to individuate. It s normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy. But how do …
Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems? You re a lot. You re intimidating. You re an energizer bunny. You re hyper-productive. You must never rest. You re just too much. Tel…
Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell? You aren t alone. Though jealousy is often thought of as the LAST thing anyone would want in their life, that s not t…
Seeking open relationship bliss? Great. Us too. And all my clients. You re not alone. Every week I hear from at least a few people who want to know if they should try to open right from the start or …
Creating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it s really easy to find yourself in relationships that don t fit right (but do feel familiar) unless you actively …
I (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relationship agreements. Ones that feel soft, warm, and …
![93 [MOST POPULAR EPISODE replay] Relationship agreements in the wild — PLAYING WITH FIRE PODCAST episode artwork](/events/mlimages/podcasts/playingwithfirepodcast--93-most-popular-episode-replay-relationship-agreements-in-the-wild.jpg)
This week we are sharing our most popular episode ever- this one is a not-to-miss! Relationship agreements might sound dry but the process of co-creating relationship bliss is NOT dry in the least. T…
Relationships are where we seek security, so making changes can feel particularly scary or overwhelming. Don t let this fear stop you from creating the custom-built relationship you really want! Th…
Why are you doing it like that? Whether your criticism is about something as mundane as loading the dishwasher or as complex as managing new relationship energy, poorly timed, unsolicited criticism …
Want a more expansive, custom-designed life? You need to take some risks and make changes. BUT--before you go committing to permanent change, learn exactly how to use one of Joli s most-trusted tools …
Relationships get stronger and healthier when you talk about them with your partners. For that you re going to need shared language and meaning, Learning the jargon of relationship styles is so helpfu…
Do you wish desire just magically ramped up without any effort? It certainly does sometimes, but most of the time desire flows better because we actively FUEL desire. This week we re talking about the…
Sure, it sounds fun, but is polyamory actually practical? And what if you have kids-- it s already tough to find time-- how can this work? What about STIs? Unplanned pregnancy? Or what if we find out …
Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise and we are not here for it. Honestly, conventional wisdom will, at best get you a conventional relationship... and if you are here you wan…
I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP! There s no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin, so we were thrilled to have this conversation with her. Compersi…
It s totally normal to be moody, triggered, and reactive but it takes a TOLL on your relationships if you don t know how to get back out of those states. You perceive the world---and all your relation…
Do you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there s more pain than fun packed into these feelings. But, like other big emotions, jealou…
Do you want to grow into the most authentic version of your Self that you can be? The good news is that you get to choose that, and all you need is within reach right now. Typically, individuation is …
Do you want to explore non-monogamy? Are you curious about how conscious relationships can take you to new levels of growth in your psychological individuation? In Playing With Fire, which grew out of…
Are your relationships messy? That s more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a lot of time and pain. So we talked with Kate Loree, LM…
Burnout sucks, and it s everywhere. We talk with Jim Young, The Centered Coach, about his book Expansive Intimacy and about intimacy as the opposite of burnout. His book will be available this fall (2…
Visiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt shares how and why she decided to open her shop, and …
Tired of *trying* to find the person you want? There s a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you ll find t…
Am I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do you wish you could move past it? Lauren Elise Bar…
How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld togethe…
Want designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let s talk about some conversations, actions, and self-reflec…
Going to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you ve gone before, going as a couple might feel diff…
Accountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can t keep your word? Or when you change your mind about something that matters to your…
We talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parenting outside the monogamous paradigm. You can view…
Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced …
Join us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can use those skills to improve your relationships. El…
Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There s no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and…
How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects t…
How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve u…
How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause tru…
Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still kee…
How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves. Watch th…
Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our …
Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, a…
What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction. Watch the video version of this epis…
Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more abo…
What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexu…
It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas abo…
Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking wit…
Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren t best? In this episode we re talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of fr…
The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable chang…
What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we re talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? …
No matter how good your sex life is, we re all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we ll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we re…
Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at…
Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we re talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they …
There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we re talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to deci…
Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relationships as there are people having them, and the …
How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it s time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, …
Every marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken s first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he d done differently, and why. As we mentioned i…
Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that…
Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves. That s just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell t…
Have you ever done something and looked back and said That s not like me! How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? …
It s really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about d…
Last episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you ll want to …
We ve had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we ve learned throu…
Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen …
The shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critica…
Want to feel like you re on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime. Watch the video vers…
Having a relationship agreement is important, but it can be used to hurt as well as help our relationships. In this episode we talk about what the relationship agreement really is and what it s for, a…
Masturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let s talk about what it s good for, how you can explore and learn about yo…
Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episod…
Our partner s family can add some challenges to our relationship. In this episode we talk about our own experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and how our relationship deepens because of all of tha…
Monogamy works really well for a lot of people and yet a recent study showed that group sexual encounters are the number one fantasy in the US. Maybe as a pair, you ve started talking about including …
You ve heard us talk about making a relationship agreement that really works for your particular love... but what if you have been married and now things have changed? Maybe you still deeply care abou…
Last time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we re not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help…
Heartbreak and sadness show up in all of our lives. How we show up for each other during those times can have a big impact on our relationships. In this episode we talk about some of the ways we suppo…
We are talking relationship agreements again, this time looking at how we actually, practically, maintain ours. We also found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address. (No relatio…
Quarantine has gone on a long time, now, and most of the natural breaks we used to get have disappeared. As the world opens up we are READY to get some space for sure but honestly, Joli can t wait any…
Marriage is learning all the things you missed on your first meeting. Imagine asking your partner a question you know the answer to and getting a new answer. Does that sound fun, or scary, or both? In…
Do you ever feel hesitant to share your inner world with your lovers, partners, friends? In this episode we share our experiences and struggles with transparency, and why we lean into it even when it …
Finding a way to play with our partner can change how we experience life. In this episode, we are talking about how we introduce the joy of play into relating, parenting, running a household, and yes,…
Developing relationships takes care and courage. This week Angela Lussier joins us and we share thoughts and stories about dating and relationships in general. We talk about what we each want and don …
Sometimes we get caught up in the changes and challenges everyday life brings. In this episode, we talk about some ways we acknowledge and increase meaning in our lives, and in our relationship. Somet…
There is no one way for relationships to work. What does work even mean, really? That is up to the people in the relationship. In this episode, we explore some of the common labels people use to des…
In the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first …
In the first of a mini-series about shame, we aren’t holding back! The feeling of shame has kept parts of Ken hidden from Joli for years even though we’ve been consciously working on it. This isn’t su…
Sexual fantasies are exciting, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing them with their partner. This week we are talking about how we figured out what each of us needs in order to feel safe to shar…
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. In this episode, we are talking about what it takes to go from a…
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what intimacy means when you no longer have…
To kick off season 2 we are responding to a request from a listener who asked Why are you polyamorous? Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important p…
In the wrap-up for season 1, Joli and Ken are sharing what it feels like to share their relationship ups and downs with the world. The biggest lessons are often scary to talk about, even years later. …
Episode 12 is about failure and what happens when we judge our relationship success only by how long it lasts. Endings and transitions can be extremely challenging, especially when we imagine that an …
In episode 11 we are talking about money and how hard it can be to say what needs to be said when we share finances and responsibility for a household. Going from terrified and even dishonest money ha…
Working together, whether you are running a business together or just working from the same home office puts a bright spotlight on relationship weaknesses. In this episode, Joli and Ken are talking ab…
Even the word fighting can make people uncomfortable. But relationships are messy and people are complicated. In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how they find ways to love each other better, bui…
Sex is a spot that easily leads to misunderstandings, even for a couple who are on the same page in so many ways! In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how one seemingly-simple question led to a to…
Having two different communication styles is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We had to learn the super-hard way how to ask for what we need and how to set the stage for a successful …
When holiday stress feels overwhelming I ve had the impulse to turn away from my partner and just hunker down in my overloaded psyche. Learning how to courageously lean into the feeling of want is a m…
The holiday season is awesome... and practically tragic in its ability to leave us feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and disconnected. In this episode, we talk about how we managed to bring joy back to…
What is it about love that keeps us assuming that we already know each other, even though we are changing and living in a changing world? Joli and Ken work on how can we keep our relationship pleasura…
Boundaries are an invitation to intimacy but the holidays can make it feel like your boundaries have no place in life. The gravity of tradition can get in the way of checking in with ourselves about w…
Owning our *stuff* around the holidays is hard. Joli and Ken are sharing stories about navigating big feelings, a busy family, and old family patterns that pop up at the least helpful times. Learning …
In episode 1 we are sharing stories about how we ve worked on wanting a more-than-okay relationship. Joli and Ken talk about how they combined holiday traditions and how hard it has been to make space…
