Tuesday Talks: How to Know If You’re Ready for Full Swap

Transcript

Speaker1: This podcast is intended for adult audiences. Over the age of 18, it contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice. Welcome to the Swing Nation podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle. Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe. Interview the experts, learn and grow together. Join the nation. so lacy, people are asking, how do they get to go to a party or an event with us? They check out swingersociety.net. You create a profile, you sign up for an event, and you come hang out with us. Super easy. That's right. If you want to party with us and the other faces and names that you know from social media and TikTok, head on over to swingersociety.net. Can't wait to see you there. Tuesday Talks Just send your questions to Dan and Lacey. Tuesday Talks Swing Nation got you feeling sexy. Tuesday Talks Talking Tuesday with Dan and Lucy Ooh, how about that high note? Perfect. Hey there, Pineapple people, and welcome to the Swing Nation podcast. We are your hosts, Northern Guy. And Southern Girl. And we are back with another episode of Tuesday Talks. Yeah. Talking Tuesday. We're Dan and Lucy. Dan and Lacey Woo Whoa That's a little extra there Yeah Are you ready for this week's question? I am Let's go to the phone line Hey Dan and Lacey This is Travel Couple We are from Georgia Just got a quick question For your Tuesday talks, I hope. We are, uh, been in the lifestyle about a year, maybe a year and a few months. Um, been to a few clubs, had some fun, um, been around for the hookup, but did, you know, some entertaining, I guess just me and her, uh, we've been predominantly a hot wife couple. Uh, she's had, you know, four or five experiences, been great, have loved them all. We are currently, you know, trying to transition over into, you know, some swaps and meeting some other couples. The question really is, for her, she really likes the idea and she thinks it'd be hot but she's not 100 sure on how she would handle you know seeing me with another person or another female rather and just the question is how would you know how does she go about dealing with that and uh coping with that you know she just she thinks it'd hot, but and she thinks she'd love to see it. But she's just not sure how she would react. So your thoughts. We appreciate it. Love your show. Thank you, guys. Great question. Great question. So they've been in the lifestyle for a while. Sounds like they started with just same room, like doing stuff in playrooms and stuff where people could watch just the two of them and now they've kind of transitioned to some hot wife experiences and now they're looking to transition to full swap yeah but his wife seems hesitant because she's not sure how she will react when seeing him do the deed yeah i think this is a great question not only for somebody in this situation for but for anybody that is thinking about joining the lifestyle um seeing your partner with someone else is a little scary you don't know how you'll react so when choosing a question i thought this was a good one because i feel like oh we get a of newbies listening to the podcast, so I think this will be a good one for them. I agree. Yeah, I think that's a huge fear for a lot of people. I think a lot of people think the fantasy of swinging and swapping is hot, but I think there's fear and anxiety and maybe fear around jealousy and fear. Um, and fear that if, you know, once you actually engage in the act, you might want to fight a bitch. Yeah, true. Been there, done that, not done that. I haven't wanted to fight, but I felt like I wanted to. Um, and the truth is we are ultimately in control of our emotions. There have been times where I've said yes to something and then it affected me more than I anticipated. And I've had to control myself, especially depending on where you are. If you're in a playroom with a bunch of people, you don't want to act up, you know, especially if you consented to it. If you said, yes, honey, go and do this thing or vice versa. And then that thing is being done. So no one's doing anything wrong. You just don't feel real good about it. You have to like make sure that you handle yourself appropriately um so i think having some self-control is definitely important um in this case you're gonna have to know going in that this is gonna happen and even if i'm not okay with it then you know we can talk about it but i'm not gonna like show my ass i'm not gonna show my ass i'm not gonna fight a bitch i'm not gonna you know do all the things I will say though that there is a lot of steps before you get there I think a lot of people think you join the lifestyle and you're like okay we're full swapping tonight this is it we're gonna full swap you know and like you walk into a swingers club and immediately your dick or vagina has to go to a or that night you know what i mean but like you kind of like make that determination and then it just happens um it does not have to happen that way it doesn't does it happen like that sometimes yes but honestly if i had to give you my advice is to not do that lots of people have done it have been successful i've been in the last cell for 20 years have great experiences but to me I'll see you next time. my advice is to not do that. Lots of people have done it, have been successful. I've been in the last cell for 20 years, have great experiences. But to me, if it's my marriage and my relationship, my future with my partner, I wouldn't want to jeopardize that. It's just too big of a risk. You're not a fan of the sink or swim method. I'm not. I mean, does it work for some people? Yes. But it seems very scary to me. I'm kind of like baby step your way into it. And somebody else could give you this advice completely different. They should just say, just rip that bandit off. If you like it, you like it. If you don't, you don't. I'm the opposite. I say if your wife is open to you playing with someone else, like in this case, maybe let's slowly get there. You know, she she's a hot wife couple so you could still be going and doing things but like maybe you just entertain the idea of dancing with someone right and let her see how that feels you know and she it might take her a little bit to warm up you know might be at first you know but if she might be like oh that was hot and then it's like maybe the you know, or let's say, like, if you go for, like, a weekend, maybe Friday night you dance, Saturday night you kiss. And then maybe the next time you go, maybe, like, a soft swap, you know, where you both are, you know, kind of on even playing ground. My point is, I mean, you can baby step your way it could be a year it could be six months it could be three nights whatever that baby step looks like for you for me I just think that is an easier way to know if you're comfortable because you can always pull back at a dance you know if you start dancing with somebody and you are irate well then maybe this isn't for you or if you watch your husband kiss someone and it does something to you that you can't undo Yeah, then maybe this isn't for you. Or if you watch your husband kiss someone and it does something to you that you can't undo. Yeah. Then maybe they don't need to sleep with that person. You know? So that's, that's kind of my point. It's easier to pull back when they're just baby steps and then it's like full on penetration and you're having a panic attack. No, I think that's great advice. Um, now I'm curious what, and this is a little, a little spinoff spin-off here but you know we hear a lot about couples that engage in what we call the one penis policy uh where you know the husband is allowed to fuck multiple women but the you know the husband won't let the wife have sex with other men which is not with this but this is almost the reverse of that right so she's a hot wife and but she's hesitant to um i don't want to say allow but she's hesitant for her husband to engage with other women well and when you when i read the question when we heard it i almost thought well why doesn't he give her advice on how he felt when he watched her with another man the first time because like if anybody knows their love it's probably him more so than strangers on a podcast right no i agree i agree with that but what i'm saying is how do you just how do you feel about um the wife maybe saying like yeah i'm okay with me being a hot wife but i don't feel comfortable with i don't feel like that's fair um but i'm also not in everybody's marriage am i gonna i know we say we don't judge someone's, whatever you call it, what is it? Yuck, somebody's young. But I do, I do judge a little. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I'm not judging you. I think if you have strict boundaries, like you can fuck someone, but they can't or vice versa, regardless of if it's the husband can fuck or the wife, I just think that icky and i personally don't want to be a part of it yeah but to each the road if that is if it's a loving happy relationship and that's what worked for you who am i to judge yeah i think i have mixed like you said i think if they are truly a hot wife couple where both the husband and wife get off to her fucking other guys and the husband has zero interest in fucking other girls. He just wants to see his wife get fucked. That's one thing. And that's, I think that's a completely normal dynamic and you see a lot of it. And I think that can be healthy and a good relationship. But if you have a couple that's a hot wife couple, but only by default and he secretly wants to engage, but either isn't allowed to, or you know, whatever the case may be, I think that's kind of a dangerous, a slippery slope. It's not really a, to me, is not really a healthy way to engage but either isn't allowed to or you know whatever the case may be i think that's kind of a dangerous a slippery slope it's not really a yeah to me it's not really a healthy way to engage in the lifestyle and the truth is is you may not realize it but other people see that they see that that husband wants to fuck women or that woman wants to fuck me and we can tell um but we're just not going to tell you how to handle your relationship we're just going to to sit back and let, let that. So I think in this case, my advice might be, well, dig deeper. What, what is that reason? You know, is it maybe there was infidelity in the past and that's why she's hesitant, right? Maybe he did something, you know, and I'm not, I haven't, I don't know this couple at all. I'm just making this up, but it could be that there's trauma there somewhere. And so, you know, the reason that she's allowed to, and he's not is because maybe he fucked up in the past and so they're they can't work they're work you know they're working on working their way through that you know and i think that's it's okay if that's what happened and that's and that's what they're doing um i i think the key to all of this is communication and i think explaining those feelings to each other right like i think it would be hot but you know because of what happened a couple years ago i'm a little hesitant to trust you with that um you know maybe what are some ways we can do that and you know maybe like what you said well maybe you know we can start with just soft swapping with other couples and me still hot wife thing you know maybe you can work your way into it and then once you have some of those experiences and you realize hey that was fun and it was hot to see that and my husband didn't run away with this other girl you know you can kind of baby step your way into that we've seen several couples in the lifestyle that have started as a hot wife dynamic and and when they started that dynamic the wife was even like there's no fucking way i'm gonna ever let you sleep with another woman i would cut that bitch and once they're japhne and mike yeah that's a perfect example and i wasn't gonna say to say their name, but you did. Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. And then once they start having experiences, the wife is like, oh, wait a minute. I slept with that guy. I don't love him. My husband still loves me. We still have a great sex life. If anything, it's enhanced our sex life. It's enhanced our communication. And it just kind of slowly they open up to more and more possibilities. So it sounds like maybe that's the direction that this couple is heading in and i think what you gave is you know that slow approach well you know try dancing with somebody try kissing somebody you know try soft swapping with somebody and then you know work your way up to the full swap so that you know there's not maybe as much of a shock factor the first time and if if there are bad feelings or emotions, you can kind of back away from them without it being too traumatic. I think that's, that's the perfect advice. And I would even say, dig a little deeper there. What is it that, why does she think she might not be okay with it? Is there trauma there? Are there insecurities there? Are there jealousy there? Does she not feel beautiful? Does she not, you know, is she comparing herself to other women and she doesn't want to have to compete with them i think there's some there's probably something deeper there that you guys could work on as a couple or she could work on herself you know there's something else there i was gonna okay so we we don't have a whole lot of we've this hasn't been super long so let me i want to tell this story we haven't told in a long time.'ll be super quick but it kind of relates to this so when during covid when everything was shut down dan and i were same room full swap couple and i thought it'd be hard for him to go fuck this girl who was local to us without me there and this is a couple she was a married female who i had engaged with before me and lacey met yeah so I had a little bit of a history with her so we you know like while we were having sex you know it was like oh my god it'd be so hot if you went over there and fuck the shit everywhere has been watched and then came back to me so it you know it was like a thing we were doing we were dirty talking about it and finally I was like I really want you to do that and he, absolutely not. This went back and forth for a while. This was not a quick decision. This was something that definitely was planned out, thought out. Probably weeks, yeah. Yeah. And I really was like, you know, it's COVID. Everything's shut down. You know, we've been in the lifestyle for so long. Of course, this is pre-podcast. But I'm like, you know, we've got this shit down. I can do this. I know I can do this. And after some negotiation, you finally agreed to go do it. Well, I said to you, I'm not, if we're going to do this, if I message her and get her excited. You know, I don't, what I said is I don't want to message her and say I'm going to come over or whatever. And then you change your mind and then you know basically have to like then undo what you just said so I'm like if we're doing this we're doing yeah so I'm like we're doing it we're doing it so he messages the girl and as soon as he does like my heart drops in my stomach I'm like what did I just do um I was like inside I was like I fucked up you know bad but I did not I had agreed I said this is what I want to do Thank you. I was like, inside, I was like, I fucked up, you know, bad. But I did not, I had agreed. I said, this is what I want to do. Even after you had messaged her and you said you weren't going to back out, you even gave me quite a few outs. You were like, I can change my mind. I can tell her I got COVID. Yeah, I got sick. We could come up with something. So, like, you were even going back. On my own agreement, yeah. I think he knew, even though I wasn't saying the words, he knew my body language. He knew I wasn't, like, okay. But I was like, no, we said to go do this. And so he goes. As soon as he walks out the door, I'm boohooing. And, you know, I held it in until he walked out the door. Because I didn't, I had agreed to this. And I was sticking by what I said. And so he goes out the door because i didn't i had agreed to this and i was sticking by what i said and so he goes out the door he goes to leave he stops at the gas station he buys like a red bull and a pack of condoms sends me the picture of it which just devastates him or he he had good intentions but i sent you the condoms because i wanted to show you because i don't think we had any at the time or whatever so i was like looking at this i'm being responsible with all the energy that you got i didn't even think of i just took a picture of like the bag where the condoms were and it just happens to be an energy so anyway he goes i'm pretty devastated i'm not gonna lie but i try really hard you know i could have blown up his phone i could have made his experience really bad but i like i said in the beginning i had control over my emotions you know even though i was devastated i was so sad that i had like basically put us in this position i was just gonna let him go i got took a bath i tried to do all the things um he came home uh he i was like just go put your clothes in the washer i was just like you're mad i was mad like stay the fuck away from me go shower off i'm like i'm not put your clothes in the laundry and he did we made up very quickly i mean we fucked like within an hour of him walking through the door and um and and it was a huge learning experience for you and i it could have been a knock down drag out fight mean, like I really wanted it to be truthfully, but I knew that I had signed up for this. I had agreed. I had said, this is what I wanted to do. And so once I made that commitment, I had to control my behavior and control my emotions. I didn't control them in the privacy of my own home once you left, but, um, and, and that was really hard for me like, in the beginning when I said, I just, I know this story doesn't really have anything to do with playing. Well, I mean, kind of, yeah. I just kind of wanted, I felt like it was a good opportunity. We haven't told this story in a long time. It's a good opportunity to talk about when some things might happen that we are not, like, super happy about, but we consented and we are okay. And, you what you know what we don't do now we don't play separate and that was like five years ago because of that we learned very quickly that that's just not something that we're into and it just didn't work for us and we crossed that off the list and we moved on and you never know if you um if he goes and has sex with a woman and maybe that's just not something that he might not like it you mean you know you just don't know it's okay to try something and it not work and come back and talk about it and say you know that really wasn't our dynamic I didn't really enjoy myself because I was thinking about you at home or whatever you know I mean there's just so many different responses to whatever the scenario is so i just think it's important to try things see how they go it doesn't have to be the end of the world even though it might feel like it in that very moment agreed yeah um that's all i got well i was gonna say do you think there was insecurity like what do you why do you think you were triggered? Oh, for sure. Yeah. And do you think you're, you know, I agree it's probably not our dynamic, but do you think we would be better at that today than we were five years ago? Yes. Yeah. But I think I've also, like, learned a lot about myself. I would also do it differently. Like, I wouldn't be sitting at home watching my phone. You know, I would maybe schedule something at the same time so we both go so we're both, like, entertained at the same time. You know, like, I'm not sitting waiting for my phone or worried, you know. Do you have a desire to do that, though? Not really. Yeah. Would I entertain it? Yeah. Would I ever do it? Maybe. But it's not something that I'm like, ooh, let's go on the internet and find me somebody to go to their house and hook that's just not but i do think that if the right scenario and the right situation came up that i i would possibly do it yeah i agree is that how you feel no i yeah i have no desire to play separately no um and i didn't i didn't then either yeah but it was very much your desire it was and so we tried to fulfill your fantasy and it didn't work and so when you're like it didn't work for me i was like well fine it wasn't really what i wanted anyway not to say it wasn't fun for me but i could almost see like if we're like on a cruise and we meet like two different couples like i go in one room and you go in the other and then we immediately come back and have like get back together like something like that would probably entertain you know we've done some of that bunk bed stuff that was fun yeah something like that i would probably entertain more than like going on like a date and being alone with someone but yeah agreed all right well i hope that answers your question um i think it's a great question i think a lot of us are struggling with those type of um um answers you know i mean well and I think it's fluid it's. I think a lot of us are struggling with those type of answers. You know what I mean? Well, and I think it's fluid. It changes based on what your dynamic and your thing about the lifestyle is so cool. It can change every day and you can experience new things. So we're always learning, always growing. 100%. Okay, if you have a Tuesday talk question, we would love to hear from you. There's a few different ways you can get a hold of us. You can email us at dswingnation at gmail.com, dswingnation at gmail.com. Or you can call or text us. And that phone number is? 972-302-7716. One more time. 972-302-7716. And if you've, you know, maybe you called in months ago and left a question and we missed it, um, feel free to call back or text back. Uh, we're always looking for new questions. Uh, and we'd love to hear from you. Yes. All right. Well, I think with that in a world full of apples, be the pineapple, be the pineapple guys. Bye. Bye. 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