Send us Fan MailLifestyle Interview | The Power of Kinky Wellness; BDSM and Kink with Dana Shergill | Episode 128 On this episode Dan and Lacy dive into a fascinating conversation with renowned kinky wellness professional, Dana Shergill. Together, they delve into the basics of BDSM and kink, debunking myths and misconceptions along the way. Discover how non-monogamy and kinky wellness intersect, exploring the ways in which these two realms can complement and enrich each other. Gain valuable insights from Dana s extensive experience as she provides guidance and educational resources for those interested in exploring the world of kinky wellness. Remember to , rate, and review on your favorite podcast platform.- The Swing Nation - Main Website Quick Navigation Website: -- (Find all our social media links more!) Follow us on Facebook! The Podcast Website- Swinger Society - Our Website to meet, connect events Swinger Society Discord Our Facebook Group- Swinger Websites -Kasadie 90 day free trialUsername: TheSwingNation SDC 14 day free trial Username: TheSwingNation** Use code 36313 for 14 days free! ** SLSUsername: NorthernGuynSouthernGirl- Merch More -Order Your Merch Here!- Lacy’s Fun Links - VIP OnlyFans PREMIUM OnlyFans -- THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS --Wisp : Making sexual healthcare inclusive, cost-effective, and accessible—for everyoneUse Code SWING at checkout for 15% off your oder! Shameless Care: ED Medication and at home STD testingUse Code TSN at checkout for $30 off your order!Promescent® Make Love Longer, It’s Time for Great SexUse Code SwingNation for 5% off!Pinaq Liqueur; The Official Drink of The Swing NationUse Code TSN at checkout for 15% off!- Thank you for the support! -
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This podcast is intended for adult audiences. Over the age of 18, it contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice.
Welcome to the Swing Nation podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle.
Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe, interview the experts, learn and grow together join the nation so lacy people are asking how do they get to go to a party or an event with us they check out swingersociety.net you create a profile you sign up for an event and you, and you come hang out with us. Super easy. That's right. If you want to party with us and the other faces and names that you know from social media and TikTok, head on over to swingersociety.net.
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Check out the link in our show notes or go to HelloWISiz.com and use code SWING for 15% off. Most people have unprotected oral sex, right? Be honest. Now think about your last STD test. Did your doctor tickle your throat with something that looked like a giant Q-tip? Probably not.
Yet that's the only way to check for oral gonorrhea or chlamydia which are often asymptomatic you need a better doctor you need shamelesscare.com use coupon code tsn at checkout hey there pineapple people and welcome to the Swing Nation podcast. We are your hosts, Northern Guy and Southern Girl. In today's episode, we've got a special guest for you today. It's Dana, and she is the host. Well, she's a kinky wellness professional, and she also hosts her own podcast. Welcome to the show, Dana.
Thank you so much for having me. We're glad you're here. Usually the way we like to start this is just to kind of kind of get to know our guests a little bit for our audience so can you just tell us a little bit about yourself absolutely so my name is Dana Shurgle and I'm a kinky wellness coach for the partition home of kinky wellness and so what I do is I basically spread the truths and benefits of kinky wellness. And I, yes, you're right.
I host my own podcast, which airs twice a week on all things kinky. And I promote that this is not only a form of healing, but also a way that we can be re in touch with ourselves and how we play together as well. Yes. When you say kinky wellness professional what is what does that mean? Yeah, so basically it is BDSM and kink. But to be honest, when you say those words, BDSM, some people tend to get, they tense up.
They don't really understand why they're getting tensed up, but they just know that there's some sort of negative connotation to those words. So I switched it over to kinky wellness because it is something that we shouldn't be afraid of. But it's been the narrative of when it comes to BDSM, you know, it's been very portrayed as this like hard and aggressive. And you know, if you're in it, then there's something wrong with you.
So it's just to have a softer touch to it to say no, that's not the case. Doesn't always have to be so extreme.
So kinky wellness is something that it is wellness and it is kinky wellness BDSM and kink can be used for kinky wellness and that's why I chose that title yeah that's I think I think that's good and it's funny because we we get that same scrutiny a lot we get a lot of people are like we don't like the word swinger because you know it has all this negative connotation and people think of 70s, you know, people with mustaches and putting keys in a bowl and and all that.
And I don't know, I feel I have mixed emotions about that. It's like one like, well, that's our word and we're going to we're going to own it. And it's not what you think it is. But let me tell you what it is. But I definitely see the need for having language that maybe doesn't instantly turn people off to the whole idea of a subject. Well, that's the thing too, because I think when people do have a negative connotation to it, they're not willing to kind of be open to it.
So when you say kinky wellness, people are like, wellness, wellness, that's good for me. Okay, let me know a little bit more now. Let's see where we can go with this. Yeah.
So, you know, our podcast podcast it's mostly people in the swingers lifestyle mostly people that um are either in the lifestyle or curious about it or maybe exploring um and i don't know you know there's probably quite a few people listening that that don't know much about bdsm or kink or what that that is do you do you want to just talk a little bit about the the overall you know what what would say bdsm and kink and kinky wellness what is that is.
Do you, do you want to just talk a little bit about the, the overall, you know, what, what would say BDSM and kink and kinky wellness? What is that? What does that mean? So BDSM is the, BDSM is a large category. So it stands for three abbreviations. So there's the BD, then the DS, and then the SM. So the BD stands for bondage and discipline.
So that includes, you know, any activities that include this, it's physical or psychological restraints based on a set of rules that can either result in a punishment or reward, depending on how you use it. Then you have your dominance and submission, which refers to the power exchange dynamics that happens within certain activities that couples can go into or partnerships can go into. And then your SM, which is sadism and masochism.
And so with this, this is for people that are curious or want to play within pain, but also humiliation, which I think people tend to think it's only pain around there, but it's not. So a sadist likes to give pain or humiliation, while a masochist likes to receive pain and humiliation. And kink is basically a broad term that includes any activities that fall outside the parameters of what society deems acceptable. So it's quite a vast majority of it as well.
But all these things include mental, emotional, spiritual elements as well as physical. And so what's different about kinky wellness is it includes those mental and emotional and spiritual elements that traditional sex education tends to leave out. But it's within those elements that makes sex so powerful and so healing and so much fun to begin with. And when we only focus on the physical aspects of it, we are missing a large chunk of what sex can actually be.
So it's about reintroducing that into your life, that it's not just a mechanical thing. It's not just intercourse. There's so much more to that. And a lot of activities that fall into BDSM and kink, they don't actually include sex at all. It's more like a mental thing. It's a power exchange dynamic. It's really just in a place where you can let go. You can also explore yourself. You can just have fun.
And so it's really trying to say we need to include these mental, emotional, and spiritual elements into our sex education as well. Yeah, that's interesting. And then, you know, for people listening, this whole BDSM world, I mean, there's a whole community of people out there, right? You know, we talk about the swingers and swinger communities, and there's clubs and there's, you know, lots of local kind of chapters, just about any major metro city has some kind of swinger community.
Is it similar for the BDSM community? Is there a network of people out there? Absolutely. So there's some websites that you can go to. So, you know, I feel like when it comes to websites, FetLife tends to be the most popular one still. And when you go on FetLife, you can really type in anything. So you can type in certain types of play types. You can say you want to link up in your major city or who's around, but it is a community.
But I do feel that when it comes to the BDSM and King community there tends to be a little bit of a hesitation to admit right off the bat that you're in it because you're kind of worried people are worried what other people are going to judge you or you know put a label on you or something like that so I'm trying to say that you can use it in softer forms and there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to participate in this or being curious about this. It's just how it's been delivered to us.
Oh, it's evil. It's this, it's that. But that's just, I think there's a reason behind it because it is so powerful. And when you can take back your sex into your own hands, that's when you can really start to work on your yourself like that is a big part of it yeah so people can't see you um they're listening to the podcast here but we have you on a video call and a zoom call and you you look like you're fairly young how did you um yeah find this well like what what led you to this community?
Give us your story a little bit. Yeah. So my story actually, I used to play rough as a child and I was always into rough housing with the boys. I had a brother. I had a cousin. I was just always down and dirty. And it was one of those things like as I was growing up, the avenues to play rough started to diminish because what was once acceptable for a young little girl was just not acceptable for a young lady anymore.
And I was just not held to the same standards as my brother or just like kind of the males around me. And so even though my avenues to play rough diminished didn't actually mean that me that I like that I still wanted to play rough, but I wasn't into organized sports. So when I got into high school, that's when I actually found BDSM, pornography. And although I didn't really understand to the full extent of what I was looking at, all I knew was those people were playing rough.
They had marks, they had bruises. And, you know, to me, when I got a marker bruise when I was younger, they were little trophies of toughness and adventure well done. I had a great time. And so when I saw that, that's what I kind of resonated with. But it wouldn't be until I was in my early 20s where I was properly introduced to BDSM and kink. Because again, it wasn't something I could talk about at home. Sex wasn't talked about. My friends didn't really seem as interested in BDSM as I was.
So I couldn't really open the conversation up. And then when I was properly introduced to it, I realized that I knew nothing about BDSM and kink at all. And that pornography is, you know, that's when it really hit me that pornography is just there for entertainment purposes and not as an education tool.
So when I was introduced to BDSM, that led me into the world of kink and the terminology and aftercare and, you know, boundaries, limits, all of these things that you don't get from watching it on pornography. And I loved it because I was able to play rough. I was able to play my way within my box of what I wanted to do. And I think it's unfortunate that I don't think I'm the only one where, you know, girls are said, like, you can't play this way.
Like, that's a boy sport, or you can't be so rough, or you can't be so tough. So it allowed me to go back into my roots and be like, no, this is fun.
This is what i want to do yeah so so essentially you then found people in your in your area that were in the community is that yeah so when i was introduced at the beginning of my 20s that's when i really went into like workshops and there was you know oasis is one in toronto which is a sex lifestyle club and i really got to meet people that were above me and had more knowledge to share to me, and through workshops, reading, sex education, in college, I took some sexual classes as well through there, just learning about it, and I realized that it is actually very integral to our health to focus on our sexual wellness and how we play with it and avenues, And as much as it was a term for playing, I healed a lot of things while going through BDSM and kink.
I, you know, things that I was seeking outwardly, I realized I could do it in my own space inwardly. And then all of a sudden I wasn't seeking it out anymore. And it was more, I was more in control and aware of certain things that I was doing. And I wouldn't have done any of that without getting into BDSM and kink. There just wouldn't have been anything to really compare it to. Okay. And then, so you kind of start your own self-exploration and discover this community.
What led you then to the podcast and then starting this this k wellness platform? Yeah. So a few years ago, I went back to school to start a business and I wanted to open up a kinky wellness retreat with everything that I had learned. So a place where people could learn tools and toys and equipment and the importance of our sexual kinky wellness. And my business plan actually won first place out of the college. And that's when I knew that people were ready.
Like people wanted to know about kinky wellness. They just didn't want to admit it. And I was like, okay, I'm going to be the one to open up this conversation because when it comes to sex, everybody wants to talk about it. Everybody wants to talk about it. They want to be connected with somebody. They just want to be heard and feel that they're not, you know, weird or that they're different, but that we're so scared to bring this conversation up first.
And so by opening up new channels and kind of rewording the terminology in a more softer way, I feel that it's been very, very receptive because yeah, we're just rewriting the script here. I'm not trying to rewrite the real, but I am trying to say like, this is wellness. It's not just something that you see on pornography or how the media has portrayed this. There's a lot of levels to this that is healthy for you to deepen relationships with yourself.
It's really encapsulates so much that people can work with yeah so it's interesting you know um me and lacy were both in monogamous kind of long-term relationships prior um to meeting each other and kind of prior to delving into the world of swinging and non-monogamy um and you know after i got out of that long-term relationship you know kink and bdsm was kind of one of the areas i explored a little bit um but i'll say from from my perspective and i'm curious on your take of this is i went to a few of these like meet and greets and and you know i went to a dungeon or two um and it it seemed like there was almost this it was like a club like it was hard to break into that right they had almost like a hierarchy structure and there was these dungeon masters and you almost had to like go through all these steps and hoops to kind of become a member and you know is is that been your experience is that you know is that is there more to it maybe I just had a bad experience what would you say about that no I actually agree with you even my journey with this I get a lot I I have said it before publicly I do find that there's a lot of gatekeeping in this it almost feels like they kind of it's like you know when a band gets too famous and then the original member like the original fans are like oh they're too famous I don't want to be like a fan anymore it kind of feels like that like when you spread it open to this conversation especially um I spoke at the Toronto Sex Expo in October and I feel it I even got a little bit of that too like oh you're so young what would you know but it's like no it's about sharing this information it's about being more inviting to the average person like I really do want the average person to realize that you're probably kinky and not aware of it, right?
So like people, do you like biting? Have you pulled someone's hair? Have you used, you know, eye coverings? These are all things that could be considered kinky and BDSM. So they're on the softer forms. And so I try to stay in that bracket. I'm not trying to say like, go get the, you know, hardest tool that you can find and just start going at it. There are basics that you need to learn.
And so what I learned is if you know your partnership, your impact and your plan and prep basics, you can use that as a foundation to kind of dip your toes into. But again, like I said, a lot of people are into BDSM and kink. They're just not aware of it because they haven't been taught the terminologies around it either. Yeah, I definitely see. But again, like I said, a lot of people are into BDSM and kink.
They're just not aware of it because they haven't been taught the terminologies around it either.
Yeah, I definitely see the need, right, for, you know, you know, when you're talking about some of the more extreme things that happen at some of these dungeons and stuff, having the need for somebody there is like a safety that knows ropes and knots and suspension and that type of stuff that, you know, this is definitely a realm where if you don't know what you're doing you can seriously get hurt and stuff like that uh it just seems like i don't know that there's it there's almost an off put to you have to kind of pledge to this group to become a member and work your way up and i don't know it was it was a weird experience for me um the one dungeon that i went to and i don't know like how you fix that because i definitely think there is a need for people to go to these places and learn these these tools and techniques before they just go out there and start doing stuff well that was one of the main reasons why i decided to go back and try to open up a kinky wellness retreat and kind of bring that forward because i wanted to speak to someone that was curious about it and timid and shy and you know they're kind of going in but they don't want to learn the the extreme side of it maybe they're not there yet and so it's weird we push the such extreme visualizations around BDSM and kink that it can be scary because someone's like I that's I don't want to do that and then they put it in like I don't want to do BDSM and kink at all because that's what they think it is so that I also find is damaging as well because it is so there's so many things that it can help you with and like again like playfulness it doesn't always have to be about healing I feel like adults have been conditioned that we're not even allowed to play anymore or explore or kind of tap into like those old things that we used to do when we were younger, like use our imagination.
And I say this a lot, right? Like BDSM and kink are healthy outlets for aggression, imagination, and attention. And imagination, if you don't have a healthy outlet to it, there's two things that can happen. One, it either runs wild on you and you think that, you know, everything is going to end poorly and life is terrible and the worst case scenario is going to happen. But two, if you don't have a healthy outlet for imagination and it's just nowhere, you can't think of creative problem solving.
And life throws you so many problems that if you just had a little bit of imagination and creative problem solving, you really could get out of it yourself. And so a lot of people can be left feeling stuck. And I do think that you can reconnect to yourself through imagination through your sex life. Yeah, it's interesting. It's funny, you know, we've we just got back from a cruise, a lifestyle swimmer's cruise.
And one of the things we did going on the before going on the cruise was make a list of fantasies or things that we would like to happen on the cruise. And we just made a list of I think it was like 12 things total between the two of us. And it definitely, you know, my experience was that is it kind of I think it changed the cruise for us.
I mean, it made us have a lot more experiences that I don't think we necessarily would have had because we we had that in the back of our mind like oh this is our checklist we want to do this and so we kind of pushed ourselves to make those kind of situations happen um and you know to your point you know i you know having been in a monogamous relationship i think and we all have we all participate in sex and want sex and do sex but sometimes it you know it can get mundane is it's almost like a chore that you just have to do and it's not really intentional like the play like you're talking about like it's not fun anymore um so i think exploring and and doing new things and pushing yourself outside of your box um it definitely it just changes the dynamic of the way you look at sex well the reality is if you keep having the same sex over and over again it's not going to help your relationship and people really need to pull themselves out of that because women need their you know mentally they need to be stimulated and feel safe and then you know males they also need differences they need excitement like this is something that we need within a relationship in general so i'm i'm actually quite I was kind of put back about how using our imagination in sex isn't talked about more often because I do feel that it can it it's not I feel it will help your sex life in the long run because that's what you actually need to do is use your imagination so when you say use your imagination are you talking not things like role play or like what what is the absolutely so you can yeah role play is a big one and so for a lot of people they might be kind of timid about using their imagination and that's where props and tools can come into costumes setting the scene you know really play up the five senses So a lot of of people will focus just on touch sense, but there's smell, there's hearing, there's all sorts of other things that you can do.
And when you hit an element on all five senses, that's when you're able to really connect to that moment. And people don't really remember the specific things that you did during a scene, but they remember how you felt, like how you were in that moment. And so when you use your imagination and then you accompany that by using tools and connecting to the senses, that's when you really get that sex that you're like, damn, that was so good.
Like I want that level all the time, but it takes some effort. And you know what, I'm not going to say that it's not going to take effort. And I think people forget to put a little bit of effort in their sex life. Yeah, I guess. So, you know, if there's a couple that's interested in this or thinking about exploring or, you know, wants to do role play, like how how do you set a time on your calendar? Like, OK, next Thursday, we're going to we're going to do a scene and we're going to do a role.
Like, how do you even do you even start because I think you know when I think about even me and Lacey in our sex life you know it just kind of happens when it happens and I think really for us swinging is the most intentional sex that we have because we know hey next month we're going to the club on this day and we're going to meet up with these friends and so there's kind of this anticipation and we know we're going to be doing something naughty.
So that's, I think that's kind of how we explore and do this kind of intentional sex thing. Um, and I get that that's not for every couple. There's probably people out here that are listening that don't have no interest in being non-monogamous, but I think everybody probably wants to be, have a better sex life or have more sex or, you know, you name it. Um, so what does that, what does that look like? Um, if somebody wants to do that?
Well, it, it is, it does have to be intentional and you do have to set a time We'll be right back.
sex or you know you name it um so what does that what does that look like um if somebody wants to do that well it it is it does have to be intentional and you do have to set a time we all have busy schedules we have to make the time we have to also make sure we have the energy so when it comes to setting a time set the time it's not unsexy like there's so many examples you can give like when you go out for a nice dinner you dress up you have the whole day you think about it all day you start to get excited you start to get excited and then you go out for dinner and it's fun I don't know.
so many examples you can give. Like when you go out for a nice dinner, you dress up, you have the whole day, you think about it all day, you start to get excited, you start to get excited. And then you go out for dinner and it's fun. And the same thing can be with your sex.
But if you're going to role play, I would suggest everyone's got a phone, you know, pretend to be whatever character that you are at the beginning and text that person, you know, use a different name if you want to start to message the things that you're going to do or what to anticipate or set like a timeline where like meet me at this time and dress in this certain way or or don't wear anything, whatever you want to do.
And you can play with it throughout the day so you can build that anticipation. And again, it doesn't have to be crazy. It doesn't have to be like off the walls.
But even just building those slight little anticipations, it's going to change the whole mood when you lead up to it you finally get that moment and it's exciting and that's what we need to do and it comes back to just being fun don't take it so seriously you don't have to take it so seriously you can't just lighten up and pretend to be something else or someone else and act in these different ways yeah that's kind of hot actually that is very hot but i mean yeah we kind of do that yeah we do it well yeah a little bit i don't know if we've ever texted each other and been like hi my name is well no we haven't changed our names and i can't wait to come see you on but we do a good job of texting and well we used to live separate and that definitely i think we've lost that living together which every married couple lives together pretty much but when we were separate we did a lot more texting and that kind of thing and so that's kind of went away a little bit yeah so we used to we we actually used to spend one week apart and then one week together dana so that almost not on purpose we we kind of got put in this situation where you know that whole week we'd be oh when i see you on friday yeah kind of did what the things that you're talking about um and it just kept things hot that way i mean it built up so when we saw each other it was like we saw each other yeah well that's the thing you can do it at the beginning of your day if you go out to work and you can pretend.
I think that's what it is. And it's it's fun. Like, it's just fun to pretend. And it can be something where you're like, you know what? I don't really like that character. And then some characters you really are drawn to. And you're like, I want this person, this this persona of me to come out tonight.
That's what want to do so it's good awesome okay well i think now is the perfect time to take a little break and hear from the partners and sponsors of our podcast and then when we get back we're going to talk to dana a little bit more about um i guess if you're curious about bdsm how to get started maybe some of the terminology and stuff kind of a bdsm 101 um and then we'll finish it up with that. We here at the Swing Nation podcast are proud to partner with Promescent.
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All right. So when we left, we said we're going to talk to Dana about the one Oh ones. Okay So, Dana, let's role play a little bit, if you don't mind. Me and Lacey are a new couple, and we've been married for maybe a few years, maybe like eight years, isn't that one? This is the eight-year itch, isn't it? Seven-year. Seven-year itch. Yeah, and so we're trying to spice up our sex life, and're interested in doing some kinky, kinky stuff.
So if we got a hold of you and we said, hey, you know, we've been married for seven years. We have sex on Wednesdays after the kids fall asleep and we're just kind of getting bored with that. We want to explore this BDSM thing. We heard about it. We watched some porn. It looks like fun. What should we do, Dana? Yes.
Well, first and foremost, I would definitely say you need to learn your BDSM and kink basics, which can fall into three categories, which is your partnership, impact, and plan and prep. So your partnership that you're already together, but you still need to outline what your desired outcomes are.
So mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually, all of these things, because what happens is sometimes we forget that we aren't we don't actually own our partner and we all come with individual needs and wants and so the whole point of this is bridging those together so you still need to outline what type of things you want to explore because it could be different even if you've spent you know 10 20 30 40 years together. And then your partnership is broken down into your interview.
And that's where you would outline your desired outcomes. But you also need to negotiate and you also need to look at your aftercare. So aftercare is a term that's used definitely within BDSM and kink that happens after the play has been done. And it's basically a place where you guys are able to reconnect back to each other.
And it is a certain, you know, language, behaviors and attitudes that help you reconnect to yourself and to your partner and restore the power dynamics to how they were before you entered into the play.
Because if you are looking in to do a power exchange dynamic, you can't rush out of it because that's when people can fall into drops which is something that happens mentally and emotionally and you can make you feel really bad inside and when you have a partner that understands their aftercare that's when you're able to check in with each other but aftercare is also there in case you get triggered because when you are entering into BDSM and kink, you might hit avenues where you get triggered.
And a trigger is something that gets set off. It's almost like a panic attack, but because our body is repressed, like we have so much memories in our body. And so sometimes we can stumble upon that when we're playing in other avenues, even if our brain forgets something that happened to us, our bodies certainly, certainly still remember. And then for your impact basics, you need to know there's four factors that build it. So your zones, your tools, your warmup and positions, and your types.
So your impact zones, they include your no-go zones as well as six other zones. So like your head and neck, front torso, arms and legs, hands and feet, back and butt and genitalia. I'll see you next time. your impact zones, they include your no-go zones as well as six other zones. So like your head and neck, front torso, arms and legs, hands and feet, back and butt and genitalia.
And when, if you're going into BDSM, what might work or feel good in one area of impact is not going to work in all avenues of your body. So you have to move slow. You have to be courteous. You have to know what areas not to go to. So for instance, small areas with small bones, you don't want to break them. They're not going to heal the way they were. Your temples, your joints, anything that can limit your mobility, but also areas above soft tissue organs.
Because if you hit that, you can either land yourself in hospital or the worst case scenario is death.
unfortunately there are people that watch something online and there's and maybe they think that they can do it but they don't know their basics they don't know that that's just a visual representation it's not actually real and unfortunately you do need to know that any form of physical activity will never be 100 safe but also I also, I don't want to scare people because sports is the same way. If someone breaks an arm on the field, we don't go, oh, that's an act of aggression.
We just say that was a sports accident or that was a mistake. So that's the same thing I want people to take away here, especially if you're just learning with the basics. And then through there, your warm-up and position. So there's two types of warmups. When you're delivering impact, you need to make sure that you have a strong stance. You want to, you know, you want to stretch out your wrists, your shoulders, your elbow.
You need to make sure you're in the correct distance, but you also need to practice not on a person. The first thing you need to do is you need to practice, say, on a pillow because you can see the lines pretty easily out of it when you hit it, and you want to just make sure that you have your accuracy. But when you're receiving impact, you need to warm up that skin. You can't hit raw skin. If you do, you can cause scarring.
You can cause almost like a leathery skin texture if you hit it too hard as well. And you can cut yourself really bad as that. So warming it up can be like light taps. You just want it to get red. You want it to really be what it says, like warm to the touch.
And then for positions, you need to know for impact receiving, that is your four class of positions, which is lying face up, laying face down, bending, which I think is the most popular for like spanking and things like that, but also standing. But I don't really push towards standing at the beginning because as much as you want your, you know, your sub to stay still, you need your, you need to make sure that you're not swaying or moving or anything like that. So standing can be quite difficult.
And if you are going to stand with impact, just use a chair or wall if you can. And then types. So different types of types of impact. Most people think of traditional hitting, but I really want to expand that definition a little bit out because you can include temperature play, which will still leave an impact. There is cupping, which can give you like bruises on yourself, which is still an impact. But also mentally, you can be impacted by things.
So like what we said with role playing, I want people to understand that you can be impacted mentally for sure. And so don't leave that out of your impact styles. And then the last one is your plan and prep, which is three factors, which is your space, personalization and your kits. And ultimately, space dictates what you can and cannot do. So what you can do in a shower versus an office versus a cruise ship are all going to be very different.
And then your personalization, which is your five senses. We talked about that a little bit. Just make sure you cover it all. And then your kits. So your aftercare kit, safety kit, and your cleanup kit.
And when it comes to to your safety kit like what you mentioned with the ropes and things like that you have to make sure that you have scissors or shears or something that can actually cut through the toy you're playing with a lot of times people think that you know the scissors in their kitchen drawer are going to do the trick but that's not entirely true because what works for a hemp rope or works for like a nylon like they're all different material and some are stronger than others and in the case of emergency you don't have time to go to your kitchen run there realize that the scissors aren't actually there and then come back and you don't know what to do so you have to have a space where those type of things are located and when it comes to kits really when you set them up and you put them somewhere they're there like you know where they are you can discuss it you don't really have to think about it and cleanup kit is pretty easy you know it's there to clean up but when you're doing wax play or something with a lot of lubrications those are all going to take different levels of material so when you think of the end in mind cleaning up it doesn't have to be that hard at the end of the day and that's kind of like my fast class of the bdsm and basics yeah yeah so there's a it seems you know even you just explaining all that it sounds like a lot it does and it sounds a little even even to me i think it sounds a little a little overwhelming right like okay you got to have um kits and safety and and all this stuff.
So I guess, you know, if, if me, I think it sounds a little overwhelming, right? Like, okay, you've got to have kits and safety and all this stuff. So I guess, you know, if me and Lacey have been married for seven years and we're trying to explore and we just want to spank each other or something like that, what does that look like? We just go to the bedroom and spank each other?
It still comes down to knowing your impact basics because spanking, yes so you would still need to know your warm-up you would still need to realize that you can't just hit like raw skin you would still need to understand that even when it does come to spanking like a lot of people don't really understand their own strength levels so you need to be able to assess that a little bit beforehand because what might be a an eight to You could a four to someone else and it still requires you to go slow and to still understand that and the positions as well to understand like there is standing there's bending over lying down those things like that but yeah start small and it doesn't have to be big and some warm-up things that I would maybe suggest in a fun playful manner is to warm up through layers so you can start with you know your pants on and then after a few spanks you can take those off then you can get to your underwear and then take those off and then go to the bare skin and so you can incorporate that into your foreplay so you don't always have to just jump right into it as well and that's the whole thing sex we need to slow it down a little bit more sometimes we kind of rush to the end to the main quote event but we miss out on a lot of fun when we don't bring in the foreplay in the beginning lacy's bad about that i'm very bad about that lacy just like when we start foreplay she's she's good for about like two or three minutes and she's like just fuck me yeah i don't know why i don't know that's just how i am i don't have a good reason quit fucking me so good no i want the stuff in the beginning okay so if we're looking to explore and you you explain some of the basics should we take a class online should we seek out a local dungeon what's kind of the the steps to do it is this something that we can explore ourselves at home or do we need to go take a class or what do you think i think for safety measures everyone should at least learn the basics i actually have an e-learning uh video that's one hour that kind of covers all of this but to tell you the truth there's resources all over the place you can reach out every major city basically has they're called like munches where people can meet up and kind of discuss things but there's classes online you know youtube there's actually quite a lot of information on there as well and so I don't want people to think that it can be expensive yes sex can be very expensive sex toys you know range to up hundreds thousands of dollars but really we forget that some of the most tools are just online for educational purposes so you can just jump online and type it in and you can get a video or two to come up but I don't suggest people just like rush into anything because it like I said with the areas above soft tissue organs there's a term called wrapping so when you go to hit somebody and the impact lands not where it's supposed to be that would be a result of a bad form which would be wrapping and that can happen when you're using things like floggers but if you don't want to use those type of tools you can use things like paddles if you don't want to use your hand.
And again, paddles can be cheap and inexpensive or they can be a lot of money. But a lot of things around your house could be a paddle.
So as long as it's got a flat back, like a hairbrush or a wooden spoon, depending on how you're raised, as long as it doesn't have any jagged edges or anything like that you can use it as a form of a sex tool right okay so and you mentioned munches and you kind of explained what it was a little bit but can you can you explain that a little further yeah so they're kind of like a low pressure environment where you go to just introduce yourself and they're mostly a meet and greet and educational form so then the difference of a munch versus like a play party is a play where there's the action is going to actually take place there is going to be some form of contact but munches are kind of like hi i'm new to the area i'm new to this i want to introduce myself and there is no pressure involved with it and they're quite friendly so those i think are fun and you again on FetLife, you just type it in, or if you have any adult lifestyle places around where you live, there's always something going on.
And they're very helpful. I find that if you just give them a call, everyone's eager to share what they have with you, knowledgeable, at least to the lifestyle places that I've been to. But when I get to more specific things, yeah, sometimes there can be a little bit of a, like what you mentioned, Oh, you have to do XYZ or look a certain way. And that's really what I'm trying to pull away from is that you don't actually have to look like anything to be part of BDSM and kink.
You can just really, truly be yourself and look what you want to dress like. But again, like sometimes when people only see like this very dark, heavy metal kind of aspect of it, they think that's what you have to look like. And that's not true. Yeah, that's I think that's important. So, you know, so these munches are local gatherings of people that are like like minded. And you're saying I've seen before they take places in like parks or at restaurants or at bars.
And just people are just getting together to know like-minded people in their local area right and then you said play parties so is this where do these play parties are these people's houses or where does that happen same thing it can be in houses it can be in a designated area so for instance it's like you rent out a space within a lifestyle club, you can do that as well. But there can be different types of play parties. So any type of niche that you can think of, there's a play party for it.
So it's one of those things like make sure you kind of do your research because if you don't, you might be walking into a play party on a kink or a BDSM thing that you don't actually want toake in so it's just get to know where you're going and you can always reach out and ask questions beforehand yeah okay and then you said you know there there tends to be gatekeeping or sometimes there's bad actors out there uh is there anything what what do we look for so if we attend the munch and people start saying is there certain things that if you hear you're like oh this is not the kind of place i should be or this is not what i want to participate in is is there any kind of like red flags for that kind of thing i think some definitely some red flags is if you are you know want to be in the dawn position and you're meeting maybe more of a sub and they say that they have no boundaries at all like that to me is a red flag because you always will have boundaries there always should be boundaries like even if they're kind of far to say oh I have no boundaries and kind of people who look to move too quickly like obviously this comes down to the individual but I tend to say like kind of slow down they don't need to know every aspect of your personal life unless that's something you want to do but you don't need to overshare and that's something that I feel be friendly be cordial but sometimes you just don't want to because then sometimes you'll lead into why did I tell that person so much if it didn't kind of work out in the same way but I think just being respectful someone's disrespecting you and that's one of the main things too is self-awareness so you do have to have some certain level of self-awareness when entering BDSM and kink because unfortunately there's people out there that do prey on the vulnerable that do prey on the naive and you need to be self-aware enough to know when your boundaries are being pushed so if someone says oh I'm a seasoned dom and then tries to like push on you or merge their boundaries like it doesn't matter what they call themselves you still have to be self-aware enough to stand up for yourself and knowing what type of partner or person to pick is one thing but knowing when to walk away is equally as important yeah it seems like on the internet everybody is a dom i don't know how many emails we get a day um from men saying dominant male i'd love to you know lacy gets all kinds of those well that's what like mistresses and miss like i could call myself wherever i want but at the end of the day like they don't really matter and i do think that people do overuse those terms as well to a degree but you know it's fun to call yourself a dom or a mistress or whatever the title is but yeah just be weary of it because even if you go into more of a power exchange dynamic and you want more of a consistent partner you can do checks like if someone says oh I'm a seasoned dom for 10 years or so then ask for references like i have definitely been in a situation where i've asked and they have and then if they say oh i don't have any references you can kind of call people out quite easily and see if they're lying or not you just have to make sure you're asking yeah so when you say references it's like okay what what dungeon or like what groups do you attend or something like that?
Yeah, of course. And, you know, you can like I know, like any reference, somebody could lie. But still, it's one of those things like you can check if they say that they taught at a specific establishment. Then, yes, you can you can just follow up and do things like that. But it's just all in your discretion. Again, people can lie. A lot of people, it's a vulnerable space. Anytime that sex is involved, it's very vulnerable. So it's about protecting yourself and being open as well. Yeah. Okay.
And then, you know, in these last kind of 10, 15 minutes that we have, I want to talk to you a little bit about the overlap between the BDSM community and the swinger or non-monogamy community. In your experience, does non-monogamy and BDSM, is there overlap? Do you have an experience with that? Have you seen that? Yeah, actually, I was in an open relationship.
I was previously married and it was one of those things that I actually realized that I liked more of a possessive element, but I wanted to watch other people. And so you can learn through there as well. So like, there's lots of couples that want to see someone else having sex with their partner. And that is still kinky that it that whole aspect of it can be put under that category.
And I think what you would mention too, is we have gotten into a point where we've separated too much, but we shouldn't be because it's kind of all under the same umbrella here of being curious, of being open, of being creative and using our imagination.
And when we separate things too much, then we think that we're completely different, but there's a lot of qualities in the swinging community that fall in transparent and are trend that can cross over into bdsm and kink as well yeah and i you know i've attended a few dungeons it's not uncommon and you know i think you touched on this a little bit while there's not always sex or maybe not even a lot of times there's sex it's very common to have somebody that's good with rope work or somebody that's good with wax play do those things to somebody else's partner, right?
And that's also for safety, like also realizing, you know what, my partner is really into rope play or really wants to be in this type of bondage and I don't have those skills. So if someone else is there that can be more safer, that is actually the safest element is to go with someone who is more qualified for the activity over an ego thing of like, no, it has to be me. Like, I have to be the one to do it. That's not always true.
And you're risking your partner's safety if you do become a little bit too egotistical and think that you can do it all because that's not the case. Yeah. No, yeah.
We've seen, you we've we've had people put wax on lacy and things like that and that's fun you know it's it can be hot to see like her experience that and then you can reconnect with your partner after um it's kind of a fun way to play well even flogging I watch my husband like get flogged and things like that and it's fun to see the excitement that he gets like I get excited when he gets excited and it's vice versa and that's something that we should be sharing in each other's joys and sharing in each other's like pleasure on that way and it's fun to look at it and it's it's i think that's beneficial for everyone involved yeah so we've noticed more and more as we you know attend lifestyle events kind of across the the country that they're more and more incorporating some kind of kink friendly space into swinger lifestyle clubs or hotel takeovers.
Or they even had a space on the cruise ship and brought in some experts in BDSM and kink to kind of run that space. And even taught some classes on it. Yeah. And even had some classes. So I definitely think there is some overlap between the two communities.
and it's good to see and kind to kind of to run that space so i even taught some classes on it yeah they even had some classes so i definitely think there is some overlap between the two communities and it's good to see and kind of kind of to your point you know we're all kind of in this alternative lifestyle umbrella and i think we're all facing a lot of the same um issues you know the same stigmas that affect your community i think affect our community to really being able to rally this kind of you know, alternative sex community together, um, to kind of work together with one voice to say, Hey, it's okay to be kinky, whether that's swinging, whether that's being flogged, whether it's BDSM, you know, whatever you're into.
Um, we just believe you have the right, as long as it's between consenting adults, um, you know, we have the right to practice these things.
And that's the thing, like thing like any in my opinion anything to do with consenting adults is your right like the no one's allowed to come in and tell you what you can and cannot do if you and someone else are agreeing to it without pressure or like coercion or anything like that if it's just two people being like yes i want to do this no one has the right to tell you otherwise yeah and i know we see it in the swinger community um you know where people have lost their jobs and things like that after being outed is that things have you have you you have any experience with that within your community oh absolutely i think sex work is one of them domino tricks is another one of them it's when you do get outed because there's so much negativity people will just attribute things to you that are not true and they will look at you through these lens of what they've been told but not who you truly are and it's so sad um in my opinion and it doesn't help because we have in Canada we have like laws that kind of support these um misconceptions of like oh there's something wrong or there's this or that.
Like we have a province, you can't have alcohol and like stripping in the same roof. So we have these dancers that have to go to unplaced, like unsafe places because they're just not allowed the freedom to do what they want with their own bodies and things like that or what they choose to do. And it's just sad because it's again, like I don't believe that the government at all should be involved in anything that two consenting adults do. And it fuels that.
It fuels that there must be something wrong with you or like you're damaged or you're this, but that's not. It's almost like adults are not allowed to be curious about themselves or either, which is ridiculous.
this yeah you know we've experienced that same thing where it's i think i think you know we all know we're all a little bit kinky like i think you know i would say the vast majority of people maybe not everybody but the vast majority of people have some kind of kink curiosity you know in whatever avenue that that is for them it's probably all different um but it's almost like we're there's this expectation from society where you just you keep that you bury it down you don't talk about that you i mean we all know it but we just don't talk about it um and then you know the few of us that are out here and saying no bullshit i want to talk about this because i think it's important and i think you know there's people that need to know this information so that they can participate in these things safely and and you know have resources and and education on it um that then those people get kind of attacked and treated like they're some kind of deviant or something yes i think there's a lot of controlling when you can control people through their sex it is a tool that when you separate someone from their sex and it's so integral to our health our overall health so you can go the dentist you can go to your eye doctor you can go to any sort of doctor and cover all the wellness aspects of your life but if you are still leaving your sexual wellness out of that conversation you're never going to be completely well you're never going to have um like a well-rounded wellness to yourself because sex is part of us It's not a separate entity.
This isn't something that we can pretend is, oh, that's something else. No, it helps your confidence. It helps who you are. You stand taller. You are more honest with yourself because when you do and you are more honest about what type of sex you want, then you can't stop lying. And that kind of translates to other things.
You become more honest more honest with yourself with other people and it is something to help build your confidence about how you feel about yourself yeah okay um if people are interested in learning more about you and more about uh kinky wellness and bdsm and uh and following you um where's some places they can go to find you absolutely so you can find me find me at thepartition.life if you want to check out my e-learning.
Or actually, in February, we'll be having a Kinky Wellness Summit, which will cover all the basics. It's a four-day retreat there online, virtual. And you can find that at kinkywellnesssummit.com.
Or you can follow me on my podcast, which is the Partition Home of Kinky Wellness, which which is on all major platforms as well okay well i appreciate you taking the time to talk to us dana it was very intriguing i think you know as me and lacey continue our journey and continue to explore i think i think we might get we might get a little more kinky and we've been talking about it actually it's been a subject conversation lately. Yeah. So we'll definitely keep you as a reference.
We might have to come to one of your classes sometime. But we really appreciate you taking the time to come on our podcast and to talk to all the lifestyle people out there. And hope to stay in touch and talk to you again soon. Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me again. Absolutely. And I think with that, in a world full of apples.
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