Negativity on profiles

Er, yes? This is the first time I've seen someone accompany an apology with a severed digit, but "you do you" is one of my abiding beliefs. So, go forth and adapt, I guess.

i have sometimes been a bitch about profiles, but that's not effective communication. Other people who post here have demonstrated a better way and I mostly try to follow their example, even when my inner voice is snarking at speed and volume. I'm not sure how following the lead of others got me pegged (er, never mind, brain, we're not making that joke) as a mod, but no.

There have been writers who have experimented with leaving out certain letters in their work. You could have some fun with that. ;-)

I'm at the keyboard humbled, wrong, guilty, and sorry of making the assumption that you were the mod here - my bad GGMsMolly - I’ve already severed a typing finger and dangled it over my monitor to remind me what “assume" means…and I’m OK, the bleeding’s stopped.

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” said Oscar Wilde, and I'll reiterate "What I appreciate the most about this forum are the positive norms of the culture in here. There’s a passenger van of regular interesting authors in this forum who convey positive, sincere, help with plenty of thoughtfulness and humor in their answers.”

A group think mind is good. We all us use reference groups to guide and influence our behavior and give us the qualities we aspire to have in ourselves. With double and triple the forum posts of others here, I believe my compliment still applies to your guiding influence over the tone in here. No, I’m not sucking up for my wrong assumption - I'm finding that it answers my questions about why some many good authors post here ,and why sincere, genuine, helpful, humorous, and thoughtful replies are the norm. These positives hold my attention and influence my narratives. Thank you again and sorry for my assumption; only my P's, L's and M's are affected by my missing finger and I'm cool with that.

Holy hell. Thank you?

Just to be clear, I'm neither a moderator nor first among equals. I just have a background in sales and marketing and a lot of experience in identifying and eliminating roadblocks. Plus, I really, really think the world would be a vastly better place if we all got as much sex in whatever variety as we wanted.

Also, while I have opinions to which I have some attachment, I actually think the best analysis is the product of the group mind.

Great question. IMO; some of negativity in profiles is easily explained by group behavior theory…but not for the guy with no short answers - and I’m not a sociologist, just a fan.

Above all other traits, we humans are social animals. We’re not hermits, we’re groups, clans people, tribes, nations, with unifying languages, dialects, and different flags with distinctive close-knit groups like the Boy Scouts, Kawainas, Republicans, Democrats and Swingers.

We create and join social groups throughout of lifetime because they give us our culture and norms and our identity. They give us the ability to be recognized members of our group in a blink of the eye in a crowd; suit and tie versus blue jeans and t-shits, bikini vs one piece, side burns or flat top, shirt in or shirt out all define us visually. The other powerful way we align with groups is through inclusion and exclusion; or "in-grouo, out-group" and the feelings that we belong to a group, or we don’t fit in.

In-groups and out-groups commonly have disdain for one another and their defining thoughts of others are “not like us. ” This ends up as sexism, ageism, homophobia, and judgements here on SLS about entire cultures, races, sexes, and sexual orientation. And when we’re looking for sexual partnerships the thinking continues to finding someone "like us” and staying away from others “not like us."

“HWP only,” "BBC only," "straight guys only,” “no open pictures means…” are all positive affirmations to the mind of the in-group, and I suggest that they don’t represent a negative thought to the minds of it's "not like us” members. They either forgot how to catch flies with honey, they’re unaware they're negative, or they know better and they don’t care. I’ve seen all three examples in this forum.

What I appreciate the most about this forum are the positive norms of the culture in here. There’s a passenger van of regular interesting authors in this forum who convey positive, sincere, help with plenty of thoughtfulness and humor in their answers - and their questions; thanks for this one sorillo. That cultural tone comes from the moderator GGMM and her style of shining a light on the negatives and offering positive alternatives - that’s so appealing to folks wanting to learn how to improve their profile. It also follows that the regular contributors are following her tone of sincere, genuine, helpful, humorous, thoughtful and kind.

So I present you two separate environments; the positive one here where everyone’s admiring the leader, following her lead for positive communications and "profile land” where there's a shit storm. The more profile reviews that happen, the more positive profiles we’ll see.

On second thought, this would be an interesting and funny topic for yet another thread I think. The title could be, “What If”.

What if you took the myriad of negative phrases repeated in profiles and turned them (or their facsimiles) into a line on a resume, a product advertisement, an invitation to apply for a job, etc...

Might be enlightening, or maybe a little funny.

Like I'd said, it's an incomplete thought. I think I was just trying to understand the psychology when it's used by the majority of folks who really aren't negative people, you know, non-assholes.

It’s possible, Sorillo, I don’t know.

Nevertheless, I’ve heard it said that cursing is what a limited mind does once it’s ran out of options. I view the negative statements in the same way.

Also, I view negativity in general (even the slightest amounts) as incredibly pretentious.

"...what I was wondering is how much of it is true negativity (meaning the person/couple is an asshole) and how much is just that some folks would prefer to avoid being in the position of having to say no thanks, and they're unconsciously painting themselves into a corner through less than perfect communication?"

I see where you're going, but I don't think I agree. I think some people are just assholes, but that's a very small segment of the population. The rest are using negativity to fend off something, not necessarily the burden of saying "no thanks," but something. Like, the negativity serves some purpose and the need for it is sufficient to disguise how poor a tool it is. In addition to being about as effective trying to increase wind speed by blowing bubbles, it's a clear window into peoples' fears, so that's part of the reason for avoiding it.

So, do you want to be open minded about a way of communicating that is uninformed about the efficacy of ALL CAPS REJECTIONS OF X, Y AND Z? If you want, but I like a little more awareness of the way things land with others, a...greater degree of empathy, maybe, so if it's a running theme I tend to be permanently turned off.

I have been known to refer to caviar and vodka as bait and turpentine, so thanksalot for reviving that sense memory. ;-)

Earlier today, I was looking at some of the advice y'all have given on profiles recently and something popped into my mind about negativity. It's an incomplete thought, and I didn't want to distract from any OP's post by a digression so here I am. :)

As we all know (or we SHOULD know), negativity can absolutely kill a profile, but what I was wondering is how much of it is true negativity (meaning the person/couple is an asshole) and how much is just that some folks would prefer to avoid being in the position of having to say no thanks, and they're unconsciously painting themselves into a corner through less than perfect communication?

I got to thinking that the "I don't want to have to say no" thing may be a LOT more common than we may think it is, and that it's probably not a bad idea for me to keep an open mind when that stuff comes up, particularly when it's written in such a way that a less negative explanation is plausible. Either that, or I could be full of shit. Which is entirely possible. :)

Thoughts? Yes, you're right? No Sorillo, you need to lay off the turpentine cocktails? I'm wondering what y'all think.