Hi. There will be no roasting and you needn't make your profile shorter. You are, after all, quite chatty and I think that comes through nicely. The idea isn't some standard profile, but one that reflects you and I think you've done that. Which is why, even though you're all over the map in your categories, I'm not going to suggest many changes at all.
"Neither is looking for full anal, but touching isn’t a problem" can go altogether (and insert a blank line between your paragraphs in that section) and "Unless it's really painful or involves potty play" should probably change to "With a few exceptions..." The specifics are really best left to discussion with potential playmates, partly because they're great topics and partly because it's just too much detail where there doesn't need to be.
Other than that, everyone within a few hundred miles has probably seen your photos by now, so even though you are happy with how representative they are, they aren't currently doing you any favors. Take new ones and then take @sorillo's advice on cropping.
When you upload the new photos, change your tagline too. The combination will get you increased views, which might translate to increased opportunities.
Good luck. Also? Your profile was a pleasure to read.