Has she honestly told you why she is nervous. My wife has had plain jane vanilla sex her whole life. I have introduced her to a whole new sex life and she loves everything. She wants to enjoy everything about the lifestyle but is VERY nervous about sex diseases at this stage of her life. So we rarely meet and fuck, we prefer to wait until everybody is comfortable.
Sounds to me like both of you are forcing the issue. A healthy person doesn't want to be with someone who has to be sloshed to feel in the mood.
RK, we live in a small community and only play while traveling, which has not been often the past two years.
Have had a handful of experiences basically in the one year between finally taking the plunge and getting shut down by the pandemic.
Appreciate your comments. You are direct, honest and helpful. It’s nice to hear what a caring and more experienced couple has to say.
Thanks for sharing.
Jorman.. its common but five year into swinging is not "so new"..
Take care have fun..... still going strong after 28 years of swinging!
It’s basically a fight or flight response.
Rather than flee, we have exercised before meeting - cardio or light lifting - to help burn off the extra energy that comes with being nervous.
Feeling a little vulnerable can also be a sign of good judgment, revealing healthy character traits such as caution and humility.
We both can get nervous. Probably because we’re still fairly new to this. Acknowledging and accepting it is a good first step.
And we try to remember that arousal can often be the flip side of anxiety.
There’s a difference between a couple of drinks and being hammered. A couple of drinks is fine and I would guess pretty normal. We have been doing this for years and still get the butterflies. That would most likely continue when meeting new people and new situations. That may subside a bit when you play with a couple that you have been with before. Talk about it, stay the course if you are both happy. Nobody should do anything if they need to get hammered.
We read all the replies and all offer great advice, there are a few points of information missing from the OP
We tend to think/question what TYPES of activities are you attempting to partake in?
We went to a club, and while we felt very comfortable, and yes other couples were having sex, the hostess was down to a thong playing pool, there was no way, that my wife would have considered it.
Now if you are discussing individual play dates, with another couple or a single, then the discussion becomes a matter of HER comfort zone.. When we started out, like others on here we started with MFM threesomes, and most were meet, retire to a motel and play all night. That having been said, meeting other couples introduced the play rule, that while we do not rule it out, we do not play on the first date.
Our suggestion is also another rule we play by, you move at the pace of the slowest person.. If she NEEDS to feel comfortable before the clothes come off, RESPECT that and SLOW DOWN..
With more sexperince her comfort zone will increase and the butterflies while never extinct will be greatly reduced
Is she like that with social engagements in general, or just LS parties/events
Open communication is the key. You can only be mentally prepared so much. Don't be afraid to take time to yourselves to talk it out before you do anything. We did our first time. We went and had about a 20 minute private conversation before we went into the bedroom. Making sure all parties involved are aware of all the rules and in agreement is just as important.
Being nervous going into a new date is normal, as is wanting to have a drink or 2 to help relax, but feeling the need to get hammered every time is not. She does need to figure out what she is THAT nervous about. Why not just set the expectation for a date that you are NOT going to play? You guys can always change your mind afterwards, but at least that pressure will be gone.
We recently had a couple (2 singles actually) over the house on a first date, ironically it was him that was clearly very nervous. When we told them that we weren't going to play that night it was like a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders and his whole demeanor changed. The Mrs was thinking she didn't really care for the guy, but she changed her mind because he noticably opened up afterwards and was much more conversant and relaxed with the pressure off.
Maybe do something with another couple other than going to a restaurant/bar, like perhaps going to a movie, bowling, or some other activity that lets you meet and get to know someone. It will give her time to wrap her head around things and become more comfortable with the idea of the LS (lifestyle). Early on, just the "thought" of what you could do with someone is enough to enhance your sex life together. Take time to enjoy that baby step, and all the others along the way.
FWIW - Somewhere around the 4 year mark in the LS we pretty much lost that "butterflies" feeling. Then again, we did a lot of playing with most of our interactions at LS parties. There's no obligation to do anything at those, but it does help set the mood. Especially parties with an open play room, but I don't think that LS parties will help with her drinking in this case. In fact, it could make things worse.
When we reflect back on our newbie days, we really didn't get why we were so nervous, but our attitude about what we were and are doing in the LS definitely became clearer. We realized that this is all just recreational sex. It's just another fun thing to do with people you enjoy being around.
We get "First Date" butterflies but that sounds different than what you're describing.
*ASK what makes her nervous.
*Remind her that she needs to be comfortable with it all
*It's OK take it slow but new sure the other(s) are comfortable, too!
EVERYONE needs to be on board!
Good luck :-)
Some nervousness is normal for both women & men. Sounds like she may not really be into it. You need to have an honest discussion.
She's your wife, not a battery operated toy. Speak with her. Ask her about her feelings.
Make a list of her want and desires while swinging.. act one out.. maybe every month or so..
Make it all about her and your pleasure will come naturally... we usually do 3 sums with a guy or lady and each has an unbelievable great time.
Be sure to tell her its just sex and like a sports match.. some are good some are bad but still fun for all. Do NOT include anyone who she feels insecure with.. those who when you meet are jerks and over bearing.. you will know what you want and dont feel bad to say NO we are not a match or YES lets go!
Enjoy.. we have well over 25 years!
We started 15 years ago and I still feel butterflies today when meeting new singles and couples. Early on, we focused on mfm threesomes until my confidence improved. Letting two guys pleasure you is much easier and less complicated then couples and fmf - at least for me it was.
As usual we agree with GGMM. Stop doing anything lifestyle and spend a lot of time talking. Communicate, communicate, communicate with no pressure and no expectations. If she ever feels ready she'll let you know. If she doesn't feel ready don't push. That's a recipe for disaster.
What about it is making her nervous? Because that kind of makes a difference. Regardless, stop doing anything until she's ready to do it without being hammered.
So my wife gets extremely nervous whenever we are in a lifestyle situation. She drinks to calm her nerves. I want her to enjoy herself without the alcohol. Ladies any suggestions for her?
