Taking One for the Team -or- NOT .Your thoughts?

Taking one for the team has never been an option for us at all. We got in this together and we play together. If you don't like it, there are plenty of other people who will.

Just my thoughts,
MR NcLookn

Taking one for the team for us would be in house party setting. When men want to play with my wife as she is young and sexy, but the women tend to sit and get drunk together, no intent on fucking. Not exactly the same concept, but along those lines. We do not provide a continual supply of sex for those " couples" that do not reciprocate. Our favorite sexual encounter is with another couple only. We have pre met, found a spark and have a great time. Also in this scenario we seem to have a longer lasting relationship, and the sex just flows.

Consent just means you approved of something, and had the relevant information to make that decision intelligently. How does TOFFT violate any of that?

Just because I applied to Harvard but settled for State U doesn't mean I didn't consent to pay State U tuition.

Make your case rather than asking someone else to prove a negative.

Quoting myself from a year ago...

If you're actually a team, and have self esteem, you don't ask your partner to "take one"... NOBODY should be asking or expecting anybody to compromise their own worth or devalue others, unless that's the particular kink y'all are playing to, and everyone involved has been given clear information about what's going on, and everyone involved has given consent.
Go ahead... approach a couple and be clear about what you're asking ... see how that goes. "Well, my wife is really into your husband, but I'm not into you. Mind if we go back and DP my wife while you wait out here?"

You CLAIM to understand the consent issue, but you continue to attempt to justify TOFTT.

I want to know EXACTLY how you are getting consent from all impacted parties for this. Do tell.

Good, that’s a fair point. Taking compersion into consideration, in a TOFTT situation, we’ll often offer up a “go do your own thing,” if one or the other of us isn’t into a 4-some. Again, the key is communication and making sure everyone is happy.

Good, that’s a fair point. Taking compersion into consideration, in a TOFTT situation, we’ll often offer up a “go do your own thing,” if one or the other of us isn’t into a 4-some. Again, the key is communication and making sure everyone is happy.

"TOFTT is anathema to polyamory..."

And here's where you lose me, because being polyamorously inclined does not mean that every single sexual interaction draws on the poly model any more that every emotionally connected one does. It doesn't matter that I'm mostly drawn to ongoing relationships if I'm attending a party and am curious about what it would be like to fuck a particular person once. Or if I bring that same curiosity (but lack of real attraction) to a couple's swap.

I mean I suppose you could be rigid about it - polyamory or bust - but if you were, you probably wouldn't hang out with swingers.

" TOFTT is anathema to polyamory where it’s all about open communication and mutual consent/assent among all parties."

I suppose if you are operating from the enthusiastic consent model. However, even then I could see an argument for TOFTT being an issue of relatively less enthusiasm not zero enthusiasm, but it is really splitting hairs at that point.

we had a live in female for a couple years , it worked out great . just keep the communication open .

Thanks Good. TOFTT is anathema to polyamory where it’s all about open communication and mutual consent/assent among all parties.

"...it does reinforce the notion that swingers are loathe to take polyamory seriously."

I'll take Derail for $100, please. ;-)

I'm going to argue that swinging and polyamory are not mutually exclusive, although it's like kink in that it isn't for everyone. However, all involved have to be polyamorously inclined for it to be a possibility. When you're talking couples, that's going to be an even rarer event than finding a solid and equal four way physical attraction.

My swinger friend group leans towards poly, as do I, but I don't think anyone has ever felt out of place at swinger get togethers either. However, even outside that group, I've seen a lot of poly configurations over the years and others who were open to it if the right person or people ever showed up.

Since this topic is pretty much the exact opposite of polyamory, one has to wonder why this thread is so misplaced. On the other hand, it does reinforce the notion that swingers are loathe to take polyamory seriously.

Nobody said anything about doing anything without consent, did they?

Gotta love how nobody is ever willing to address the consent question when it comes to this attitude...

This is the main reason my wife and I play separately. Even though she did have sex with them during swaps and orgies she did not find any of the male halfs in a couple attractive when we did swing together years ago which surprised me as most of those guys I considered friends and thought they seemed good looking.

Though we play separate is does work for her and has made her happy sexually which makes me happy too!

we have had a couple of situations where with another couple 3 of us all liked 1 another and the 4th was a [ so so ] , in a case like that, when we 1st got into this , we made a rule that if we both dont agree , then there is no [ taking 1 for the team ] . that simple . if your not into it then your not being true to yourself .

We have TOFTT, but not if one us is totally against the grouping. Or we just say only one is interested.
This was actually the case with my ex: we're good friends, and both now have younger partners who were interested in each other. The ex and I feel more like brother and sister now, so... well it was a hard pass. The 3 of them played a couple times while I had a date elsewhere.

This is all theoretical at this point, as we haven't ran into a situation that would have called for taking one for the team, but I think I'd probably be amenable depending on how big a stretch it was. I can still have fun and a good time with a meh, but wouldn't be able to with a hard pass.

Then again an old football coach of mine use to say "there is nothing as sexy as a sure thing". This was in reference to continuing to run a play that has yet to be stopped, but it could have sexual applications I suppose.

If you're actually a team, and have self esteem, you don't ask your partner to "take one"...
NOBODY should be asking or expecting anybody to compromise their own worth or devalue others, unless that's the particular kink y'all are playing to, and everyone involved has been given clear information about what's going on, and everyone involved has given consent.

Go ahead... approach a couple and be clear about what you're asking ... see how that goes. "Well, my wife is really into your husband, but I'm not into you. Mind if we go back and DP my wife while you wait out here?"

Consent. Consent. Consent.

Are you telling the person, "Hey, my spouse is into yours, but I'm not into you. Wanna fuck anyway?"

I meant to say “he asked to wife” if she’d want to solo.

asking for solo play it isn’t always sneaking around.

I asked for solo play to the husband... she talked to the wife about it... I didn’t request her to ask the husband...that would’ve caused issues.

He said it was fine with him, but I was to respect every single word she say.

I never messaged her, I always messaged him to ask her when she’d want to get together alone... over a year, I didn’t send one single message, and the day she would ask me to meet alone, I was ready to talk to him and just tap out without snitching. (Like, thank you all but I’m moving on).

But that’s just me...

If the couple says in their profile that they also play separately, there is no problem contacting them for single play. We only play with couples together and the wife has been contacted after a meet for single play at least 6 times and the husband has been contacted once. We turned them down. The wife was quite annoyed by the offer they proposed to the husband and vice versa. Generally couples have good communication and trying to go behind the other spouses back never works. There are a lot who play separately so try and M&G those couples. Or go to clubs or house parties where it seems almost everyone, us included, play separately.

Hi Sexy Peeps! This topic is geared more so towards couples who play with other couples. We wanted to get your thoughts on the topic of “Taking one for the team -or- Not”. What has been your experience when meeting other couples? Have you found that one person in the couple is more attractive than the other? Or perhaps you’re in an interracial relationship and would like to find the same in another couple? Have you ever taken one for the team and if so, would you do it again? Is taking one for the team completely off the table for you? How do you handle communicating your interest in only one of the individuals in a couple dynamic? Is that appropriate or not? We would really like to hear everyone’s perspective on this topic.....