Performance Anxiety - Getting your soldier standing

My women friends keep saying that men need therapy. Now I understand why they are always saying that.

One of the things I usually do at our parties is I'll have some porn on in the background. While it may help set the mood, the problem seems more to be where the "rubber meets the choad" ;-)

PS - Choad was not a typo. There was a character in an adult cartoon by that name and I looked it up once trying to find a reference to the "Tripping the Rift" cartoon.

Hint: it's not because of ED.

At least threads like this help me understand why my wife has absolutely no interest in other men.

Quaz, we could actually have a discussion about how erections (or lack thereof) are your gut trying to tell you something, but you prefer to make lame personal attacks. So, what does that say about your mental faculties?

Why are you all so afraid to discuss what is actually going on when you can't get it up?

Watch some porn...if possible that matches who you are going to play with. Like mature blonde, or wild milf. Helps create images and situations for the fun later. Erotic story reading too.

:) :) :)

"I am referring to a person who has no challenges with erections or stamina with his wife and other trusted individuals, but encounters issues when certain others are in the picture. THAT is definitively in someone's head, and, in my experience, has always been my dick being smarter than I was being."

That's not much of a stretch for your dick.

Two different circumstances here.
I am referring to a person who has no challenges with erections or stamina with his wife and other trusted individuals, but encounters issues when certain others are in the picture.

THAT is definitively in someone's head, and, in my experience, has always been my dick being smarter than I was being.

Using your wife as a fluffer is not a solution.

I'm not sure if other guys feel this, but there is definitely some weird inate thing that happens when multiple guys are involved with fucking one or more girls. It feels like some unconscious human programming that causes other guys to go soft once one guy starts actively fucking a girl.

Obviously it can be overcome, and some guys feel it more than others. I usually don't have this problem when taking Viagra so a lot of times I will wait until a guy is in and actively fucking the Mrs before I do the same to his, assuming we're doing same room play.

This is one of the reasons that we tend to do separate room play with couples that prefer playing that way. The reason given by some guys is that they are "distracted" by seeing their wife playing in the same room as them. This could also be an option for others that may help with performance anxiety, but this doesn't always work either. Sometimes just hearing their wife playing is a distraction.

I do think the prior suggestion of perhaps starting with same partner play then switching could work, or if there is only one of the guys that has the problem, his wife could assist him until he got going and then continue playing herself with the other husband. I know that, we as a couple would not be bothered by this because we want to do whatever we can to make sure everyone has a good time.

First thing is to relax. If you have any blue type pill that will help ease your mind as well. Find a condom that works best for you. I get the thinnest condom I can find which is more sensitive for me. Work with your wife when playing. Have her and the women stimulate you some before inserting. Cause your wife knows best what gets you going.

Ok folks. I am not a doctor, I don't even play one on television. I am a pretty average dude. We have been in the life style for decades, most of our marriage tbh with breaks here and there. I have struggled with performance anxiety nearly the entire time. I love the fact people are trying to suggest ways to combat subconscious anxiety. It is, in fact, subconscious making it nearly impossible to impact with the conscious part of the brain. Now, I'm not providing any medical advice, but I am going to explain what I have done, and still do to stay in the game. It's too bad we dudes have such a hang-up about this discussion. We have been with many couples where the guy struggled to get hard. I think it's way more common then we like to admit.

When I'm with only my wife, I just use some of the Phizer riser! as a middle age dude, that stuff is amazing!
In groups, I use an injectable medication. Yes, it's injected exactly where you imagine it is, and no it usually doesn't hurt. Most times I don't feel anything at all. About 10 minutes after that I can knock the knot out of a 2X4 and stay hard for about 3 hours (you want to make sure you don't go longer than 4). There are a few different options. I visit a local men's sexual health clinic and they provide the medication as part of their service. Sometimes it takes a bit to find the right combo of meds, but once you do its absolutely amazing! Its a bit pricy but if you are active in the life style it's well worth it.

Weird. I thought I posted to this thread, but if I did, I can't see my own post. Anyway, I ALWAYS try to make sure I have a condom readily at hand. After I open the package, I unroll it a little just to make sure I'm putting it on the right way. The trick is that you want to get the condom on and then in her ASAP.

If licking a girl is done at the risk of not being able to fuck her because you lost your erection, my experience is that most women would prefer you fuck them while you're hard. You can always go back and lick them afterwards and sometimes it works out I can lick them after fucking them for a bit, then fuck them some more.

A better sequence is to lick a girl first, then if needed or she just wants to, she can give you a BJ, then you can go right from the BJ with condom in hand, unwrapped and oriented properly, to puttting it on and fucking her. The more time you take in between to do other things, the more chance you have of going soft.

Speaking for myself, once I'm in and pumping I can't even think of one time where I've gone soft soon after that. As mentioned, I also take Viagra when playing, and that definitely makes it easier for me to get and stay hard. Practice also helps as you gain confidence in knowing that you'll be able to perform, so less jitters come into play.

Heaven forbid you actually acknowledge that your brain, and by literal extension, your dick, is trying to tell you something.

Yes. Please make a,point of overlooking discussing the psychology involved.

Typical.

I fully agree with the comments posted by "4 real couple" and "mayhem8". Alcohol will undermine the ability to get erect and stay erect. Even simpler is rest. Do your best to get plenty of rest and your erection will happen and stay as long as you need it. Getting enough rest is easy, free of charge and works. There are a lot of "miracle cures" for many things when all you need is to eat right, drink plenty of water and get proper rest.

There is also going with the philosophy of listening to your gut - or, in this case, your dick. Because the more you think about not thinking about it...

Probably already posted, we and Mayhem have the same strategy.

Drink very little.
Start playing before it's too late.
Being tired is just as bad as too much to drink.
Viagra and such will help
420 gets us horny. YMMV
Have your SO near by

In short - the more you mature, the more you may find that you and your dick aren't as shallow as perhaps you were in your younger years.

If your brain isn't letting you get hard, it's often because it is seeking a deeper connection. Performance anxiety is basically imposter syndrome, and imposter syndrome comes from lack of confidence, and that lack of confidence can be as simple as "how can I perform for someone I barely even know? They don't know me and this is the only thing they will know about me unless we find some deeper connection"

Truly mature men may find that connections with the person are key to true arousal.

A while back, I learned that for me it was a question of being completely honest with myself regarding whether the person was someone I actually really wanted to get hard for. Sometimes, that hot woman that everyone wants because she looks hot and comes onto you isn't a woman to get hard for because, for example, she's a manipulative, gossipy bitch. We met a woman who was open and wonderful and we had several dates with her before climbing into bed, and everything worked a charm.

hotluvrs...The biggest performance issue we see is with guys needing to put on a condom.

Being a bi-male I did experience this very issue. A date with a guy who claimed to be "huge" downstairs and I was going to bottom. He was so fumble fingers he tore three condoms trying get one on. NOT because he was "huge". One of those guys who state "hung" who definitely are not. He was much smaller than his mind allowed him to believe. Never got fully erect and destroyed three condoms. These were the big gold/black Magnum condoms, too. Like he really need that. He was too small for that size.

No ED issues here but I will say, for me, there needs to be some level of attraction or connection. I will not just pop up hard for anyone. I tried a Cialis one time I got from a friend who used them. It was 20mg and I took it Friday evening. I was popping up hard through Monday! This lead to masturbating a few times to calm it down. Still, if there is a connection with sensual kissing and touching the weasel pops with no problem.

The biggest performance issue we see is with guys needing to put on a condom.

Don’t be that guy. Be prepared. Practice at home before the event. Know which way the condom is oriented when it comes out of the package. Have your wife help you put one one. Use condoms occasionally with your wife or when you have a solo private moment.
Pavlov was right. Our brains can be conditioned to respond to certain things. Make the sight of a condom wrapper something that excites rather than elicits anxiety.

Great question Clabecca.

I can’t see most of the responses so I hope I don’t repeat any advice.

Cialis/viagra definitely help. Take 1/2 or 1/4 tablet. The placebo effect is real even if you don’t technically have ED.

If I’m feeling anxious, I’ll have my wife make out with me and tickle my balls… jk/not jk Having someone physically close to you, whom you trust and supports you at all times is a boost to your “I’m a real man” mojo.

Just like in any sport, practice is the key to success. By that, I mean more than just attending lots of play parties. I mean that you have to put time in to preparing for the big game. Work out with sex in mind; do your kegels! Do exercises that strengthen your buttocks and core: squats, donkey kicks, planks. Knowing that you are physically able can only elevate your sexual confidence