And in addition, ditto what CopNkitten said "if you are already having trouble in your marriage, swinging isn't going to fix it, and could create more problems" That sums it up. Talk to your partner, trust your partner, but this is not for the faint of heart.
Great advice for anyone considering the lifestyle, talk to your partner, and when you're done talking, talk some more. We started a little ritual, the morning after any event, whether we played with anyone or just put on a good show, we get breakfast at a diner, we sit at a far off corner table and have a debriefing session. When we started, I (Max) was of the camp "No dude is going to park his cock in my wife"...ask me how that went. I quickly realized if we were going to do "this" I had to learn to trust my wife on a whole different level. To @Bigfoot5x, thanks for your candor about difficulty getting/keeping, it's happened to all of us at some point, it has happened to me, I had had to learn to relax since the more I worry, the worse it is, every erections begin between the ears, and if there's jealousy or other issues, then things go south quick, not fun for anyone. Sidebar - good fitting condoms help me keep it up, something about the feel of them on that brings me back to my youth, IDK? At the end of the day the spouses/partners have to trust each other...and talk about it.
Wow, excellent points, and noted. Early on we ventured into the life style some 20 some years ago when we were married for about 5 years. Actually, I wouldn't say ventured, we were more like spectators. We went a few times to a popular club in NYC which has since closed. Everything was going well and this lasted for about a year and then life moved us on (kids, some financial difficulty, and other stuff) . Even though we didn't connect with any couples, we enjoyed our experience there. Fast forward 20 year later, and life happens. In a 25 year marriage I think there are bound to be some mistakes on both sides, and I guess those mistakes manifest somewhere. In our case and to some degree it been in the sexuality of our relationship. Please don't misunderstand, we are both still attacked to each other, and still do things like go out on date night and even a strip bar here and there, I guess the general opinion is that LS should only be used as an additive to a sexual relationship, not a catalyst, Thank you very much for the reply's.
@tt - I can definitely say as a couple that our sex life had NOT dwindled prior to getting into the LS. If anything, it got better as the kids got older and eventually moved out. We were married and monogamous for 29 years before we went down this path.
If I were to try and sum up why we did this, it had more to do with getting more of a good thing than it did with anything lacking. It made an already awesome sex life even more fun and exciting.
I would say perhaps we're not the norm, but prior comments suggest we're not far off. If someone is going into the LS looking for something lacking in their relationship, it's more likely to address the symptom rather than the cause of the issue.
TTandCC, I've talked to a lot of experienced couples over the years and pretty much every one of them indicated their sex life had been great and they wanted more variety. Swinging fixes nothing. Instead, it brings existing fractures into high relief and if those fractures are critical ones, that relationship comes unstuck from the pressure.
if you are already having trouble in your marriage, swinging isn't going to fix it, and could create more problems
Because I am a newbie, I find these post interesting. I feel a lot like the original comment, (not the age difference) but about monogamy, Monogamy is difficult as time goes on but the alternative is destructive and hurtful to all involved. When your sex life starts to dwindle, you either start wondering and looking elsewhere or try to work harder at reviving it. We have chosen to work at it (or as far as I know, I have) , however, Einstein was correct when he said it is insanity to try the same thing over and over and expect a different result. Has anyone started this lifestyle just to try to change the path of their relationship (the sex life only), or is that a destructive approach.
I love your take on that but try to remember ladies. When a guy can't achieve a hard on for whatever reason. He feels like a total failure and no amount of anything is going to make him feel different until he is standing proud again. Haha
GGMM: Literally lol
"The harder you try to get it up the less likely it is to happen. One little trick that "may" work is that when you're soft, a woman can usually take your whole cock in her mouth. That tends to feel awesome, so you allow yourself to enjoy that feeling "while you can", knowing that once you're hard that her taking in the whole thing isn't as likely to happen. Sort of reverse psychology telling yourself that you want to stay soft so she can continue to take your whole cock in her mouth. If you don't get hard, you still have a mouth and fingers so just make the most of it. Even the best of us have off days. "
Would someone who is a lot craftier than I'd ever be even if I had 600 years to learn please embroider this on a pillow cover for me?
It's a minor disappointment if a guy can't get or stay hard, but a major nuisance if he's so in his head that there is no fun to be had. And having a soft cock in my mouth is at least as awesome for me as it is for you.
OR: A very large part in how newbies do depends on how comfortable they are with their potential play partners. Just guessing, but if you are starting in separate rooms you must have felt pretty comfortable with that couple.
That said, it took us a long time after many experiences to get to a point that we felt comfortable playing in separate rooms. Every one is different, but the norm for newbies in our experience has been same room play to start.
Ironically, it can be more exciting (or nerve racking in some cases) hearing but not seeing what your partner is doing. Imagination can be more vivid than reality.
Another sort of norm is that some (especially newbies) get so adrenalized that they can't remember details, so separate room play can have some after effects when one can't honestly remember many details about what they did (or didn't) do.
Lastly, as a guy, if you have problems getting it up and it gets in your head, you're generally done. The harder you try to get it up the less likely it is to happen. One little trick that "may" work is that when you're soft, a woman can usually take your whole cock in her mouth. That tends to feel awesome, so you allow yourself to enjoy that feeling "while you can", knowing that once you're hard that her taking in the whole thing isn't as likely to happen. Sort of reverse psychology telling yourself that you want to stay soft so she can continue to take your whole cock in her mouth. If you don't get hard, you still have a mouth and fingers so just make the most of it. Even the best of us have off days.
Good to hear some of the problems with LS newbees. I had the same problem with our first, and only, full swap play. I was so nervous that my heart rate had to be well over 100. The Mrs. had a good time on her end while I was in max panic mode because I couldn't get an erection no matter how hard I tried. That experience is a major hurdle for us now. Can I perform? We were in separate rooms, my wife was in bed with a perfect stranger, and I was in high panic mode.
When playing with a new couple in the same room, I pretty much wait until the other guy gets going with the Mrs. If I don't, more often than not the other guy can't get and stay hard.
I generally don't have that problem and the Viagra plays a part in that. It's not as fun for either of us if the Mrs and the other guy wind up laying there and watching me and his wife play. We've been in the LS 5 years now.
Not quite 2 years in the LS. Initially, my wife wondered how I would react if she was having a good time and being more vocal than she is with me. I kept telling her it would not matter because I expected to be busy with another lady having my own fun. That's exactly what happened. I will note that while not feeling particularly jealous, keeping an erection was a little difficult at first. I have seen this issue with men of all ages which surprised me.
BTW: My prior post was aimed at OR.
This may be yet another one of those times that going to LS parties makes sense, or even just Meet & Greets. You can meet people and talk and get a sense of whether you like one another of not. If they're so inclined, they can go off and play with another couple before or after you meet them at a party.
You could even organize your own Meet & Greet. Just pick a bar/restaurant you like to go to and post a Hot Date. Worst case is that it's a night out at a place you like.
I can't say enough times that, if not for LS parties/events we'd be pretty frustrated with the LS. It's not unusual to meet 5x more people at a single event then you'll meet online on any given week (or perhaps month for some people), assuming you are reasonably social/out-going. It helps to keep in mind that everyone at these things is there to meet people, just like you.
FWIW - The type of person that will go to a Meet & Greet is generally the type looking for FWBs and taking the time to get to know someone.
Just a thought, but as you get older and perhaps retired, you probably actually have the time to go on multiple dates. Many are busy though and if they're inclined to play, they'll choose someone willing to consider swapping on the first date rather than someone looking to take things slow. If they wanted vanilla time (dinner/drinks, etc), it's likely they have vanilla friends for that.
Offradar... Nothing is WRONG with it. Meeting a few times, engaging in soft play, is PERFECT for some. I have read many many profiles that indicate that, that scenario is their preferred if not insisted upon course of action. Speaking for myself and mrs2out. We dont wanna spend our time dating. There is nothing wrong with those that want to. GREAT for them but I can say for us that if you tell us that's how we are going to proceed then The mrs and I will just move on. Now I do want to mention a side note on this. We do however give exception to new couples. We can go as slow as they want to take it. Nobody expects a brand new couple to show up, drop their pants and yell "fuck us". It takes a little time to turn them into "sport fuckers" like us.
Getting started in the LS is not an easy thing to do. The majority of couples are full swing only, regardless of what their profile says, and the female is commonly bi or bi-curious. If you're a straight couple that is not quite ready yet for full swap your opportunities are rare. My experience on this forum is that the people are generally very nice and offer well reasoned responses but my experience in trying to find couples who are actually willing to meet a couple of times before full swap are few and far between. If the sheets are not pulled back when they walk in the door then they will likely turn and walk out. What's so wrong with meeting a couple of times and getting into some heavy soft play and then move on to full play? Apparently, there is something very wrong with it. Just saying...
michdom12,
It's because you're NORMAL, but you want to not be so normal. The majority of people really are hardwired for monogamy, we are the freaks of nature. There's something wrong with us, something very very wrong with us, something seriously wrong with us!
But it's ok. If you think you want it, go for it. There's only one way to find out.
Michdom: I apologize if you sensed any sort of attack from me. I literally got this thread confused with another where the male half wanted more than his GF was comfortable with and was asking how often people "do it". The apparent motivation was to build a case to over-ride his GF's concerns. That is a TOTALLY different thing than you were asking and some of my responses were related to that other thread.
Though we are what I would consider experienced at this point, it was not so long ago that we can't remember what it was like. In one of our very first encounters with a SM, he was able to make the Mrs squirt, which is something I was rarely able to do in the 30+ years we'd been having sex together.This is DEFINITELY something that can get into a guys head.
Cut to the chase, the reason was that he had an up-turned dick that hit her g-spot in a way that I couldn't. I cannot change my cock size/shape, but realized that I could likely do the some for her with fingers and found that too be the case. It was a little concerning to me though until we were able to figure that out.
In my first post here to you, some of my ramblings may apply to your situation, but those realizations came from talking to each other after progressing over time to higher play-grades. We are now in a place where both of us are having a blast and well past common jealousy issues. We have an even closer bond. This is because we have an even higher level of trust in each other and realize that it's unlikely that other partners would allow us each to do what we both enjoy doing so much.
I will say that when first started out that we were nervous but not really sure why and you have done a good job at putting words around why you're concerned. I think these are common concerns and people do experience and get past them.
If there are issues, most just back off for a bit while they work through them. Where real problems pop up is when when wants to slow down and the other does not. In our very limited experience (with others) it is usually the guy that is gung ho and full steam ahead, so I give you credit for being the one concerned and think that you'll both do fine in the LS if you choose to stay.
sorry, I posted hastily and then deleted. Basically it was : It may seem as if those with issues themselves are most critical here. But maybe it's best to believe in yourself and not worry too much what others advise.
I'm not an expert, just have to keep reassuring myself it's mostly OK here.
That7 . . . . you are absolutely correct!!! Lots of cliques here, so follow your desires and gut. With patience you will find kindred spirits!
I left this thread for a few days and did not expect all this information and I just caught up. I would like to start by saying I came here for genuine advice from people with more experience, but feel like I got a lot of judgement for asking about my feelings. To clarify....we talk, A LOT. Unlike some other scenarios talked about here...I am the one with the reticence. She has a very healthy idea that sex is just sex and that she loves me. She is the one telling me - "we can go as slow as we need to" and "nothing is more important that preserving our relationship." She only mentions jealousy rarely and has set some rules, but they are very limited. The implication that I do not take her feelings into account (merely because I didn't mention them) is ludicrous.
I was just asking for help with the moment after the bell is rung. The best advice I have seen in this thread is: first, to do what feels best for US and move at our own pace and second, you really don't know until you try it. Which we are going to do.
I appreciate everyone's input...but I am a fully formed, capable adult. I can figure this out.
FWIW - In our experience it has been the female half of a newbie couple that has the hardest time with things. It may just be the luck of the draw, but that has been the case for us.
It is either they aren't comfortable with the happy sounds coming for the Mrs, or have a morality attack. There are other reasons as well but those are what we've seen.
We do play with newbies and we are OK with soft or same partner/room play, but going forward will be wanting to talk to the female half up front specifically to see where her head is at regarding the LS. Again, nobody knows how they'll react until they are actually in that situation, but setting expectations/limits can only help everyone be more comfortable so that all can potentially have fun.
My wife and I are new to this as well and I am having those same back and forth thoughts. I have watched her with another guy a few times (same guy) and it was a great turn on. I still get excited thinking about it. I would like to expand to other couples, and that is the reason we're signed on to this site in the first place. I have found that watch/soft play is a good place to start here. Most couples say "watch/soft/full" but in reality they are full swap, drop your clothes at the door, introductions follow a romp in the bed. They are NOT interested at all in watch or soft play. So before you meet another couple make sure your limits are discussed and be ready for the brush off.
