Thank you all so much for the input and welcoming encouragement. Thank you as well for the private messages.
Mr.Fokker... Bravo!!! THANK YOU for making me look at it from a different perspective. That our adventures outside of our bedroom can make our one-on-one moments EVEN MORE Intimate. We are already experiencing that; in the bedroom and in all aspects of our relationship.
Yes, I am aware that I am possessive. Did you notice MINE was in all caps? (giggle) We have worked so hard to maintain loyalty and trust in a world full of people who don't respect that. As we talk about inviting others into our world, you can bet your ass I'm going to be on guard. That is why I'm here striking up this conversation. To learn to let go a little, or a lot.
MsMolly, thank you for the book recommendation. I will order that right up. I can assure you, I am living my authentic self. Ladylike is not a role I play, it is truly me. I am sorry if I sounded as though I was implying that people who are more open with their sexuality are not. That was not my intention at all. I am very open minded and accepting of how how each individual lives and enjoys their life. I respect and take care of myself, why wouldn't that be something to be proud of? I'm also kind, outgoing and friendly. I love hard, and that may occasionally cause some moral dilemmas. Which is exactly why I am not jumping into anything that may, for My Own Personal reasons, cause regret.
Right now, I am comfortable that we are starting in the right place. With like-minded individuals who also have their own relationships to protect and who are looking to enjoy each other's relationships.
Thank you for the reminders to talk and talk and talk some more about reservations and limitations. He is well prepared for the fact that I may chicken out the first time or two. He's even planning on it. We have also talked about the fact that he may very well chicken out too.
Speaking of He.... I know you are reading this at work, Honey. Please don't hesitate to chime in. We are doing this together, right? ??
Lady or Tramp? Or Both?
OP, I've previously done this with a much beloved partner. Sex with him was being at home, warm, comfortable, with a lot of beauty. Sex with others was like going to real estate open houses in the neighborhood; fun to see how other people live, with an occasional idea we could bring home. It's a qualitatively different experience.
As a coda to last night's questions, there is a pretty compelling reason for examining and rooting out your preconceived notions around your sexuality and what it means to be a lady. If you decide to swing, there is a non-zero chance that you will find yourself horizontal with someone you didn't know three hours previously. When you find yourself sweaty, post orgasmic, hair full of knots and possibly someone else's bodily fluids, you want your internal dialogue to be way more "oh, hey, that was awesome, I'm thirsty," and way less "omg, I'm such a slut and I hate myself." The latter will seriously fuck you up, because it isn't healthy.
If you haven't already read "Sex at Dawn," you might want to.
Lol
My deepest apologies Dr. Tramp. I merely took Don Corleone’s quote and tweaked some parts leaving the vast majority the same.
I would have been delighted had you used the word favor i stead of service, but I'd not be so presumptuous as to tell the Don what to say. ;^D
Tramp
Tramp,
Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept my permission to use my post as gift on this snowy day.
— The GodFokker
I'm intrigued to see how this works out, you've always been free of jealousy but based on the song reference still pretty possessive, in my opinion it's all going to depend on the reasons for that possessiveness. We all have minor jealousies, tender moments of emotion watching our best friend when they share things with another, it's all dependent on how we handle those, whether happy for their new experiences or feeling as if we have lost something. I feel like we have gained something with each new experience, and nobody loses.
"...a biological act that is part of our basic BIOS."
Show me a man who can explain sex in computer terms, and I'll show you, well...Fokker. lol
Dood, I could not have put it one bit better. That was really good, and I couldn't agree more.
Now...
I could have said it more briefly and with a paragraph brake or two, but no way could I have said it that good.
In fact, could I get your permission to use part of that as reference material for my next installment in Tramponomics? Lesson No. 26?
Tramp
Ladies and Gentlemen, there will be a change to your Playbill for this forum topic. The part of Lady and Tramp will be played by 2stillgettingbetterfor the duration of this topic. Thank you and now please go on with your bad selfs.
Now as far as the OP, here are my feelings.
Intimacy is between you and your partner. Just because you’re having sex with someone else doesn’t mean your being intimate with them. It’s just sex, a biological act that is part of our basic BIOS.
I would believe that most wouldn’t want to play with anyone who believed that sex and intimacy are one and the same, that is asking for drama. Drama usually will flair up when the ‘feels’ enter the picture. Mind you we are still noobs ourselves, so take my advice with that caveat.
After our first full, on the way home the next day Mrs F pointed out that she finally got it, it was sex for sex sake. The reconnection sex we had the next morning, was more intimate (albeit incredibly raw). Intimacy in sex is what you have wit your partner/spouse. It’s made up of your history with each other. It’s made up of all your ups and downs together. It’s different. Sex with another partner is just that - sex. It’s fun, it will be primordial, it may be raw but it will never be intimate. And if you do have an issue with sex and intimacy being one and the same, you may have to spend more time talking about whether the lifestyle is a right fit; otherwise you might wind up in contention for an Oscar for best Drama.
My .02, your mileage may vary.
—-Tony Fokker, the GodFokker
Lady or Tramp? I say both.
And welcome to the Matrix.
Tramp
Welcome. I found this statement to be particularly intriguing: "Amongst my circles of friends I have always been the Lady, the Classy one, the Good Girl and I pride myself on that."
Why? What is there about those roles that is worthy of pride?
And if you can answer that, the follow up is how can sex, even sex with someone who isn't your husband, make you less of a lady, less classy, less good?
Bonus question: Are those roles authentically you or something you've taken on for other reasons?
I'm not asking pointed questions in order to make you feel badly, but I do think ruthless self examination around attitudes toward sex is really important for women, particularly if they're contemplating some form of ethical non-monogamy. Know yourself, know who you really are when you're stripped of illusions and social constraints, or at least try to.
Good luck.
Welcome to the forums. To better answer your question, please delete the one in the Open Forum.
It sounds like you two are on the right track, communication is a must in order for this to work. You have to be completely open and honest about your feelings throughout your endeavors. How you feel, no one can say. How you may feel, from jealousy to the likes of ripping off a band aid. Preparing to cross that line is doing what you two are currently doing plus the emotion you bring when it approaches. We never looked at it quite the way you mention and there is no need to feel greedy, as it should balance itself out in your favor anyway...lol You both need to sit down and discuss your boundaries of comfort and move at that level, then expand them gradually as your comfort grows.
Good Luck.
~Allen
I'm open and excited about trying something new. Especially since he is not usually the one to suggest something new. And this one came completely out of left field. I'm still digesting the fact that he has told me that he wants to have sex with someone else. (Trust me, I know... better than behind my back!) And he wants to see me enjoy some one else as well.
That was months ago and there has been soooo much talking and reading and crying and hugging and sex and now here we are... with memberships to swinger groups, checking things out. I have never been able to be accused of being "easy". Amongst my circles of friends I have always been the Lady, the Classy one, the Good Girl and I pride myself on that. While I'm intrigued and excited and shopping for new outfits and dresses to wear to the clubs, I'll admit I'm feeling a bit selfish and let's face it, Scared to Death. We have been together for a looooong time and our relationship has always been free of jealousy and drama. If someone came along looking to make trouble, we handled it and moved on. Our intimacy is one of my most prized possessions and I'm having a hard time imagining sharing it with someone else. I'll reference the song "Underneath Your Clothes" (listen to it). What's under his clothes has always been MINE and Vice Versa. It's something, probably the only thing, that we share with eachother and no one else in the world. That is what I'm having a hard time letting go of. Once you cross that line, you can't get that back. Ever.
So tell me, how do you prepare yourself to cross that line?