Friends with benefits

I guess the best way to put it is we have always been in the lifestyle (parties and online like this) to find/get to know people to have sex with. Over the years before we took a long break and even now for the most part that meant meeting up once in a while for sex or going to a party about once a month or so. Other than that we generally do not see our lifestyle friends otherwise. I mean really it is difficult enough to get together more often with folks than we do because of work schedules and well the grass needs cut or car fixed. Currently none of our friends we see often are also in the lifestyle but in the past we have had friends where things have evolved. That being said we are a bit of an oddity and prefer spending time alone with each other than "hanging out" with friends especially with the social requirements of my job even when not working.

To the original poster (renob0523) we couldn't agree with you more... We always treat people the way we like to be treated; but seeing as how sex isn't our main objective (friendship is) we seem to be in the minority here.
This journey has NEVER been about finding playmates, but rather making life-long friends we can relate to and be our normal (albeit fun and sexy) selves with. Unfortunately far too often people get too focused on the "benefits" that they always forget about being friends. Our time is valuable to us, so if we're going to share such an intimate part of our relationship it has to be with people we know, trust and respect. We realize that may not be the accepted way of doing things "in the lifestyle" but we can't help if that's just the way we're wired.

Welcome to the forum Joyvoy. Glad to see hear that you're getting something out of all this.

I’m new and this is such a good thread to read. I just figured out how to reply ?? anyhoo I have been watching couples since last May and I love it. I know myself. If I start doing a whole lot for a long period of time with someone I’ll grow attached so voyeurism is cool with me. Maybe light play but I’m still moving slowly sooo lol. Anyhoo the most attractive part of what I’m learning is the honesty. Maybe some people are still learning themselves but I appreciate the level of honesty and communication between those who are experienced in this lifestyle. Now I don’t even know if I’m still on topic lol ?????????

renob0523

I have more "couple friends" that I have come to know from various events that I don't have sex with, than those that I do.

I hope I said that in a way that makes sense, and is somewhat relevant to the topic.

We have never really thought about how/why we get along with so many different people. We just do. We have a lot of different interests and have a very simple philosophy about life. In 2 words, "have fun". The longer version is, "We do what we have to in order to be able to do the things we want to."

We have some pretty universal wants. We enjoy a good meal and good conversation/company, a variety of movies/shows, travel, shopping (bargain hunting in particular), various games/sports (cards, board, bowling, golf, etc) on occasion, cooking and canning. The Mrs sews/knits/crotchets on occasion and I am a jack of all trades able to do rough/finish carpentry, electric, plumbing, flooring, painting, wrench my own toys (cars/motorcycles/snowmobiles), hunt and fish on occasion. We enjoy using our skills to help people, whether it's to introduce them to a larger circle of LS friends, or fix a leaky faucet.

Time-wise, we are almost always busy with a mix of vanilla and LS things. We are understanding about schedules, but if we like someone, literally years can go by but when we get back together it's as if no time has passed. We have just always been that way and it is very rare that we don't find common ground with pretty much everyone we meet, even if it's just occasional sex.

In general, we are very happy people. People WANT to be with happy people. As mates, we certainly have our differences and arguments. We don't hide that, but we don't linger on and we forgive and move past them. We know life is short, so we just try to enjoy it and have managed to find a lot of very different people that are along for the ride with us and we are all having more fun together.

While this may not fit the original post, which requires some special decoder to translate . . .

We, and definitely more me, have always looked at this friendship concept as a little messed up. The reason being is that people tend to have a path that they are on in their life. This can consist of schooling, career, child rearing, retirement, etc. When you go to find friends, do you find people that are on a much different path than you? We don't. Why? Because we have very little in common. A person who is retired and has a lot of free time will get frustrated with a person who works two jobs and has very little free time. A person who has a teenager that can stay at home while they go out will get frustrated with a person that has to be at the whim of a baby sitter.

In our nearly 25+ years of doing this, only once have we found anyone (prior to recently) that we would classify as a friend who we would spend time inside and outside of the bedroom with. Fortunately for all of us, it was a SF. She had two kids and they were one and two years older than ours and they were all the same gender. This worked out well as we could go to amusement parks, to concerts, to outdoor events, etc. It helped that they all got along as well.

So, the OP, how do you find people that are on the same path that you are on in your life so that you have things in common with and then find ones that are into having sex with both of you. That to me is akin to finding the needle in the haystack. You may eventually find it, but if you spend all your time hunting for it, you are going to miss out on a lot of friends that you do not have benefits with and a lot of benefits that you are not 'friends' with.

Venn diagram it . . . see how small of a subset you are trying to find.

We have been with couples that have turned into good friends: We (all 4 of us) communicate regularly by phone, social media, and text. If one of us is traveling to the other's area, we'll meet for drinks or dinner. We have similar interests and enjoy each other's company. We also happen to enjoy having sex with each other's spouses. If we had met in the vanilla world, it's very likely we'd be friends. That relationship happens to work and we enjoy it.

We also have played with other couples where we enjoyed the sex, and we enjoy meeting at a restaurant as a prelude to play. We like them, and enjoy their company, but it hasn't gone beyond that. That's OK too.

We don't look for for friends when looking for couples to play with, but it's great when it happens. What we're not interested in is people who we just don't like. Outwardly political, strong opinions, or just a chemically opposite reaction. It happens. We have no problems with (for example) couples who are on the opposite political side of us. We're tolerant and respectful of others as long as they are tolerant and respectful of us.

What we always like is after a round of sex, we all find ourselves laying on a bed, naked, likely caressing, and talking about regular stuff. And then it's on to round 2. Or Round 3.

Open sandboxes draw in cats that want to use it as their litter box ;-)

@RonKathy

That's why I said I think it happens with single women a lot. And I'm sure single women will tell us all stories of single men getting too attached.

If you're already in a couple, it's a lot less likely to happen. Or maybe I'm not seeing the signs. But I've had a string of women who definitely wanted to settle down and quit, soon as they gotta comfortable and intimate enough. And if that didn't help, the jealousy ramped up

Same goes with some Trans Girls I know, we are close friends but do not have a desire to be sexual with each other, more of a sister type relationship, girls will understand that....Mary Jo

Not sure if this helps, but we do have LS friends that we do not play with. I have literally played with someone else on a bed next to her, but we became such good friends early on that neither of us wants to risk messing that up with sex, if that makes any sense. We also do vanilla things with them in addition to attending LS events, so it can happen, but it is likely rare.

Our preference is to be friends with the people we play with, at least on some level. We do not have to play with our friends every time we get together. We are not just saying we want FWBs to get more sex and fulfill some "animalistic" need ;-)

Well it's confusing because you said "With Benefits" but also said "Just Friends" so which is it??

I find that a lot of women who say they want FWB, are really looking for a relationship. Every time I've heard that, it's soon to be followed (after a few times playing) with "We should only play together. I can't believe you went to party without me. Ewww you like HER? Well just don't play with another girl if I'm there and not playing with you. Hey I know that girl, she's with my 13 inch friend.. Or, don't sleep with her, she sleeps with anything"

When NONE of that was apart of any conversation, prior to us finding out we have great sex and conversations. Maybe it's just the single ones, but I haven't found that FWB that wants to stay FRIENDS but not exclusive lovers. It always trickles over. Which would be fine if that was established ahead of time.

But JUST friends... You'd be hard pressed to find someone here for friendship with no benefits

This sounds a lot like many couples where one or the other is not completely sold on swinging yet. If you really are only at it for the social aspect become regulars at a club. There are people out there that don't play but really like the atmosphere of clubs and parties. If you are hoping for bestest buddies from the net you will be very frustrated. You will find that most couples are very interested in playing and everyone goes about things a bit differently.

Why do I feel like Alice at the tea party?

OP, I'm dyslexic and among other things it means I can often derive meaning from even the least understandable wording, but you have me a bit lost. If I'm sorta right about your meaning, I like having sex with people who could be friends. If they stick around, that will happen. But friendship, unlike sex, takes more than a couple hours.

I’m kind of like the ,“hunt the manticore” and hope the venom don’t rot my toes type so If I don’t get to spin yarns with my favorite dirigibles I’m okay unless their fantasies include Bigfoot and Nessi.

~rabbit~

I'm really just curious just house many people single or couples are out here to find other people to be friends with. Just someone to hang out with and tell stories to. And just go with the flow in hopes that it might happen and if it don't..... Then it's like you just missed a storm out on the ocean. And in the same sense how many people are out there on here looking to get a fix on their animalistic side to fulfill that hunger inside