Behavior Modification

I think it'll help that you have a clearer idea of what you're looking for and at least some tentative preferences. It might take some time or it might happen immediately. Like, I'd had a profile here for 10 days when I found the perfect person, which is about as lucky as one can get.

FetLife is where a lot of the kinksters hang out, but somewhere between 10 and 20 percent of swingers also engage in some sort of BDSM. Regardless, FetLife is way better in their events listings and meeting people in person might help you develop ties and resources.

@molly yeah I think I’d prefer someone married, I’d prefer an amateur rather than a pro, and I’d prefer a female. None of that is set in stone. I’m patient to a point so I can build up some knowledge, meet some people, and see if I don’t find someone interested. That’s what I was wanting from this thread and it’s been helpful. I appreciate all of your input.

I apologize for the butt hurt that was caused.

Since this seems to be about me, here are some more resources I offer...

Here are a few books..

For general BDSM knowledge

50 Shades Of Curious: BDSM For Beginners: You've read "Fifty shades of grey". Now let America's favorite "50SOG" coach & BDSM expert teach you how to safely try it yourself
Book by Bo Blaze. PCC

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
Book by Jay Wiseman

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
Book by Molly Devon and Philip Miller

For BDSM from the bottoms perspective

The New Bottoming Book
Book by Dossie Easton

For more on humiliation, degradation, and objectification

The Forked Tongue Revisited: A Handbook for Treating People Badly
Book by Flagg

If you would like any more info that you feel I could help with, feel free to PM me on Fet, same name. If not, good luck on your journey, I wish you the best.

I'm done here. Egos are too big.

"People, stop making it about you."

Yeah, sorry, but you're talking nonsense. I want Bull to get what he wants, but I also want him to figure out what that is and how best to get it, and the only lens I have is my own, so I'm sharing from that vantage point. It's a conversation and everyone who contributes at whatever level knows that. Except perhaps you.

"What I meant is that in no way do I want someone who wants a boyfriend or an eventual husband. I do however want someone with whom I have chemistry and..."

Okay, so that's a little different than wanting a therapist/client analogue. A lot different.

You can totally get that. I'm technically a switch, but really hard to dominate successfully. However, a few years ago I met someone I'm still seeing regularly. I adore him and he me, but we're not in love or anything and our relationship is that of very close friends. I'd do anything he asked or told me to do that wouldn't kill me. Anyway, it's probably useful that he's very happily married, so maybe think about that.

@namaah I appreciate it. I’m getting plenty out of everyones comments. I’m a complete rookie here. I haven’t found many who even want to discuss this subject.

Between Single and Mol, this post has turned into "l do" or "I like". This isn't about you. This is about Bull and getting him to resources that he needs to get what he is looking for... I get you are a good Domme, I get that you own your own dungeon or you visit dungeons... How does any of that get Bull closer to his goal of finding a person to achieve "behavior modification" that he desires?

People, stop making it about you. Make it about the person who wants the knowledge you may know, about the resources you may have.

So reading your last few posts I feel like a pro would be the quickest and easiest way but if I happened across the right person a deeper connection might develop. I have a vanilla friend (who knows a few of my kinks) I’ve actually thought about approaching her with the idea but that could be a slippery slope.

@molly that’s a really good point about submissive men. I haven’t thought about that. Most of my submissive thoughts are very detailed.

I may have misspoke about a relationship. Maybe I don’t yet get the terminology of a D/S relationship. What I meant is that in no way do I want someone who wants a boyfriend or an eventual husband. I do however want someone with whom I have chemistry and someone who wants to get results for selfish reasons as well as wanting what’s best for me because they actually do care. That would be ideal. Too detailed I know lol. I may have to change my thought process lol

@Bull, if you are into BDSM and you identify as a D or an S, you are wired that way.

A Pro would 100% be doing it for money. A Pro will be into what you are into but that doesn't mean that they aren't going to do it for pay. A Pro is a sex worker, if you go to a pro for something, no matter how much they enjoy you or your company, they are there because you want their service. Unless you manage to "date a stripper", so to speak, they are there because you are hiring then to be your companion for a night, however many nights that is.

It's the same as a cam girl. If you go into a cam room and you can get them to do a humiliation scene or whatever floats your boat, pay the girl.

The good ones will or at least will be indistinguishably so. You don't necessarily want this to be sexual and you have in multiple ways indicated that you want someone who isn't particularly invested in the relationship, which makes a pro a good choice.

I avoid submissive men and part of the reason is that they're generally so detailed about what they want that there's no room for me to be either interested or particularly creative. As a result, I decided long ago that if I wasn't getting paid for it, I wouldn't bother and that's coloring my advice and is something you should take into account.

There are a lot of ways the rest of us do D/s and I only know for sure what it looks like for me, but every successful experience creates a kind of feedback loop of sensation and satisfaction between all parties. Everyone gets something significant out of it, even if the one on the D side doesn't have an orgasm, because both of us are all in, and that is something other than merely satisfaction with a job well done.

I have considered a pro. Let me get your input on this... would a pro be more likely to be acting the role for money rather than actually being into the idea? I feel like someone who actually got off on the thought of it would likely bring about a more genuine situation. @namaah that’s what I meant by “wired the right way”. Finding someone who gets as much out of being on the dom side as I would on the sub side, not just someone who’d play the role. Does that make sense? I agree with you 100% about finding someone you click with. Searching as if dating is probably great advice.

By all means, if you choose to go to a pro, go to a pro. The best way to get what you are looking for is to pay for it.

If you are looking to find a partner to go on a journey with you, don't pay anyone for what you are looking for.

"I’ve compared it to a therapist and client relationship myself. That’s how I see it working best... for me anyway. In my mind it would be more of a professional relationship than a sexual one."

Seriously consider a pro dom/domme. You'll get the expertise you need and the distance. Because while the best are in deep service and don't bring their egos into it, we all still need to get something out of it and a professional relationship isn't going to be of interest unless you're paying.

@bull, I apologize for the misread on Dom vs sub but the advice I gave holds true for the sub side of things as it does the Dom.

I don't understand the "wired the right way" comment. If you are searching for someone willing, they are wired the way you need them to be.

And a relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Just because it isn't a judeo christian relationship, doesn't mean it isn't a relationship. If you end up going to one of the many kinky conventions that are out there, the question you asked would fall either in the D/s track or the relationship track.

My advice to you for looking for a Domm/e is do it like you were actually dating. Find someone who you click with after several meets. There are Pros out there who are just looking for a buck and are very good at convincing inexperienced people/subs that part of their "tribute" to them is gifts of one sort or another.

This isn't a gender thing, sucky people come in all genders.

@single exactly what I was thinking. I’ve compared it to a therapist and client relationship myself. That’s how I see it working best... for me anyway. In my mind it would be more of a professional relationship than a sexual one.

I also find it interesting how the roles seem to flip in public. The psychological side of things is really intriguing.

@single you are correct in my particular idea of it. I definitely respond to humiliation and the more my emotions come into play the more I respond. As I said I’m not against sex being involved and it would almost have to have a sexual tone to keep my interest but wouldn’t have to involve intercourse necessarily. What you said about taking time to develop is spot on I think. It would be a lot more effective if the dom knew the sub very well.

@molly yes you are correct that I’m wanting to be the sub. I have been on fetlife and been able to speak to a few people however the ones I’ve talked to didn’t seem very experienced. I’m just putting in feelers everywhere to get more info. I appreciate all the input

@namaah I am seeking more from the sub side but some great info in what you said. I think finding someone willing to put in the work is tricky because they have to be getting something out of it as the dom. The person would have to be wired the right way. As far as your last question I’m in no way seeking a relationship in the traditional sense of the word. I wouldn’t mind a long term thing if it were strictly D/S or whatever you’d call it

Okay, I might be wrong, but I thought the OP wanted to be the sub. Actually, I'm nearly certain that I'm correct. But the advice to explore FetLife and other kink-specific resources is still good.

Bull4u, I don't think it will be all that difficult to find what you're looking for, although the who might be trickier. There are a lot of bad doms out there and that's not what you're looking for. I was thinking more about this last night and while I don't pay close attention to it, when I'm topping a woman and there are just the two of us, it's about her. I'm perfectly happy to forego my own orgasms and in fact generally do, just because what I'm doing to and with the other person is far more compelling in the moment. I think that's actually pretty standard for doms/dommes.

Also, a good start is joining a BDSM social/fourm website like FetLife and joining some D/s style groups to ask questions to people in the lifestyle.

You can check your local Mast (Masters and slaves together) chapter. There are 4 in Texas and maybe start some correspondence with people there.

Lastly, look for educational organizations locally. There are organizations out there where you can meet and attend classes about different BDSM topics. Check with your local swingers club and see if they are doing double duty as a link club. Odds are there is an org around doing classes there.

I didn't mention sex at all because to some D/s is completely separate from sex.

I am writing this from the perspective of the Top/Dom. The questions you need to ask are, what kind of D/s are you looking for? Is this going to be a casual D/s with an occasional partner for occasional fun or is this going to be a D/s relationship where you are willing to put the work in the D part of the D/s? Remember D/s relationships work both ways and you are using the gym as your example, are you willing to be someones motivation, are you willing to do the work with them in order for them to meet their goal? If you are all about the funishment, than you don't want D/s you want to roleplay with someone.

You also need to think about what kind of bottom/sub you want. So you want someone who genuinely needs someone as guidances and may be dependant on you as their D, someone who is looking for a little motivation and this is a means for it or do you want a brat who is going to fight you on everything and that's the fun you are looking for?

Is this going to be casual or are you looking to start a relationship?

@molly my thought is exactly that. I think being very inventive would be great. My thought is that the dom might be sexually satisfied from another relationship. I wouldn’t be against intercourse but I’d think a dom who’s enjoyment came from power and pride in their results would be a good fit.

"For me, the relationship would be better without intercourse."

That would never work for me on either side of the D/s equation, but it's not uncommon amongst the harder hardcore BDSM practitioners. You'd have to be fairly inventive on your reward/punishment incentives though, if you really want behavior modification to work well. I'd probably start with what you were and weren't allowed to do sexually.

@holly thanks for the great advice. I’m not one to dive into things without giving plenty of thought to it. I’ve been interested in this type of thing for a long while. It seems pretty tough to find people who are into the mental part enough to try it. For me, the relationship would be better without intercourse. I’d desire someone much more into the mental aspect of the relationship. I’ve just begun to talk about this so I have no idea where to begin searching so I appreciate your input on that.