BDSM without humiliation

@MissMolly, had to chuckle @ "born bossy and persuasive"

Sugarmagnolia, humiliation isn't a requirement nor a prerequisite for BDSM. (Like most great things, people will come along and muck it up. )

In my experience, humiliation has been something I've been asked to do, not what I've wanted to do. Typically this request arises from someone who needs to be humiliated. As a plus size woman (who is also tall) I have quite a presence, particularly for a man or woman who is shorter/thinner etc.

The humiliation bent doesn't work for me, and I often turn down the person and redirect them. I can usually tell when s/he (usually he) is having some sort of craving to be humiliated because her/his actions disclose the desire well before playtime. For example, attempting Topping from the bottom.

You're on the right path asking questions and doing research. The most important research you'll do is introspective and interpersonal with your partner. Communication is paramount. If you have questions or doubts about a person or situation, follow your gut; and should that be fallible, err on the side of safety.

I often find most people will eliminate themselves by the end of a conversation or, at the max, two.

The ones who pass your filters are definitely worth the time it takes to find them.

As the two of you explore together, be mindful of the experience for yourselves, keeping the expectations and opinions of others at bay.

Like Miss Molly, technically, I am a switch. You'll find that each of you has strengths and weaknesses and those can be harnessed for play. Your dynamics may fluctuate until you find your zone. Let them. Allowing a flower to bloom is part of its splendor.

Enjoy

Heh. Born bossy and persuasive?

If you'd asked me that a few years ago, I would have been a little vague and mumbled something about knowing how to hold the space and using a variety of tools. I actually know more about the mechanics now, after a fair amount of time playing with someone who is unquestionably dominant so that I submit without any ambivalence.

Boiled down, it amounts to being sufficiently confident, careful and intuitive that your partner trusts you enough to completely let go. I don't think you can manufacture those things, but you can learn to communicate clearly, to use the tools that suit you best, and to provide great aftercare that enhances trust.

Thanks Molly,
Other than years of experience, how did you learn to be a good Dom?

I've been into kink since adolescence and, while I'm technically a switch, mostly as a domme. In all that time, I have employed humiliation exactly twice, both times at the other person's request.

It really isn't part of the standard toolkit for anyone who really is dominant. We have much more effective ways to induce submission. Anyone who tries to tell you differently has their own agenda and is coming from a place of weakness.

Hello,
My wife and I are interested in light BDSM, but do not like humiliation (bossy is good). Humiliation seems to be a big part of most of the BDSM that I have observed.

What are your thoughts on BDSM without humiliation? Any others like us?