Separate rooms allow for you to relax and not be distracted. It also lets both talk freely about what they want. There may be something their partner doesn’t like to do that they want. You have to trust the males to be respectful. Same room does allow you to watch and listen to your partner getting satisfied.
When I was swinging as a couple I liked both for different reasons. I always enjoyed watching my husband but separate rooms was more intimate and more of a novel opportunity to really explore someone new.
Erotic - "There is only one right way though. That is the way that works for YOU."
I think you missed my point earlier. If there is no preference, we like same room play. If we encountered someone that prefered separate room play, we'd do that. By doing what works best for ALL of us, we are still doing what works best for the Mrs and I.
"Focus" doesn't equate to "performance". A guy can be totalled focused on my wife, but it's useless if he can't get hard. Likewise, if it upsets the woman I'm playing with because I'm enjoying what's happening to the Mrs, then her not having a good time means I'm not enjoying it as much either. Sort of "selfish with a twist" ;-)
@Mayhem
This is the HUGE disclaimer. There is no one right way in the lifestyle for people. There is only one right way though. That is the way that works for YOU.
With that said, obviously, everything I am writing is subjective.
"With the shoe on the other foot, I am not upset in the least if the woman I'm playing with is getting off from seeing her partner play while I fuck her, and likewise, the Mrs is not upset while a guy is super hard and pounding her that much better because he's getting off on seeing his partner having fun."
To me, that is not the other foot.
What happens if the woman you are with does not want to watch her husband with another woman or her husband doesn't want to watch her with another man? That both of them want to give their attention to the person they are with?
:)
That was the epiphany from the woman. How can you focus on the person you are with if you are watching your spouse?
What we have experienced, and of course, it is our experiences, not others, but men have been able to perform better. Women are more satisfied. There are a lot more people who do NOT want to put on a show than do. So this works for us. It sounds like it doesn't for you and that is perfectly cool.
Eons ago, we were at a club in Atlanta. They had weird layouts. We hooked up with a SF. The layout was the bar and then there were 'curtained' partitions with mattresses inside the curtains. This partition had one side be the opposing wall of the bar, then the sides and opposite side of the wall were the curtains. You entered from the bar side. The three of us were having a good time. All of a sudden, I realized that the curtain behind me was now open. We were putting on a show for the whole bar. My dick said, "Sorry dude. We are not a porn star. Turning off."
So seeing that my agenda is to make sure that my wife has the best time possible and I do as well, separate rooms tend to guarantee that with a higher percentage than being in the same room for us.
Erotic - For us, the goal of getting into the LS was to enhance OUR sex lives together. Seeing each other having fun with others helps meet our goal, as does the images and memories of our LS adventures together.
While playing separate and sharing what happened after the fact without actually seeing it can definitely be hot, there is definitely somethng to be said for seeing it in person. If I'm more turned on by my surroundings, I'll tend to perform even better and the woman I'm playing with gets the benefit of that.
When the Mrs and I play together, many times we'll have porn on in the background. Some women don't like that because they think that the guy is picturing himself as playing with the girl/s in the porn video. In my case, I'm aroused by imagining the Mrs is the one in the video.
Whether I'm more aroused by seeing the Mrs playing, or by imagining the Mrs is the one in a background video, the outcome either way is that I perform better and the person I'm playing gets the benefit from that.
With the shoe on the other foot, I am not upset in the least if the woman I'm playing with is getting off from seeing her partner play while I fuck her, and likewise, the Mrs is not upset while a guy is super hard and pounding her that much better because he's getting off on seeing his partner having fun. We're also not super obvious about watching each other while playing with others, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't enjoy that while playing with others.
@Phoebert
I fully understand the kicking issue. We have tried a few times in the past for four on a bed. My wife is not a dead fish. My wife is animated in her actions. I was kicked. I was hit. I had to duck. I had never had defensive sex in the past and this was a new experience. So out of courtesy to all parties involved, there is no way we will ever be 4 on a bed. This is what kind of makes cruises REALLY difficult for us. There we try and do separate cabins :)
@Mayhem
Back in the 90s, we had an experience that was one of those, "POOF, mind blown" moments.
We frequented an on-premise club in Fort Lauderdale. The club was awesome in that it would get about 150 couples on Saturday night. Of those 150 couples, generally, 40 of them were like us, there almost every weekend, then about 50 were a group that was there about once a month. The rest were either tourists or people who were there every other month or so.
One night, we noticed a cute couple who had come in. We wound up being with others. Towards the end of the night, I noticed the woman of that cute couple sitting by herself in a quiet area. About 10 minutes of her sitting there by herself, I went over to talk to her. I introduced myself and she introduced herself. HOLY SHIT, HEAVY GERMAN accent. I stated, "Didn't you come here with someone?" She said yes. She stated he was in the back with some woman. I asked if she was ok with that. She said yes. Then she gave me an insane lesson from a perspective I had not thought of. She said, again, in her very heavy German accent, "I do not understand these people. These people who have to be in the same bed or room as their spouses. They say they want to enjoy in the moment with their spouse. How can you focus on your lover if you are staring at your spouse?" That was an epiphany moment for me. She was right. If I am having sex with another woman and then constantly or even sporadically looking over at my wife, how disrespectful is that to the person who has let me put my penis in her? That sounded so RUDE what I was doing. Then I thought about how my wife was acting. Was she acting for my benefit? Was she holding back for my benefit? Was she being true to herself? Then I started to think, what is my wife thinking about me? Was she thinking I was doing? What if I was able to make that other woman make sounds that she didn't? What if I was able to do things with the other woman I couldn't with her (this is a very real thing when you have a wife that is 73.5" tall and are now with a woman that is 60" tall :)
After a conversation with my wife about this, it just morphed into a slight preference. Today, it is almost a requirement. In the last 10 years, we have been in the same room probably 3 or 4 times.
We recently began playing with couples after fifteen years or more of MFM and are learning what we like.
Phoebert enjoys watching my reactions but I worry that he'll neglect the other lady - it's going to be a balancing act!
Our first experience was all four on a king bed - not going to do that again (I didn't appreciate being kicked in the head). I'm not sure either of us would be comfortable with separate rooms so our next encounter will be two queen beds in the same room.
We'll see how it goes. ;-)
It's okay to do things wrong...
My partner and I were talking about this yesterday, as part of a longer conversation about how we want to participate in the LS going forward. We've now had multiple swaps and I've surprised myself by thoroughly enjoying the experiences. But this is the only setting in which I really have trouble with focus. Not sure I'm into separate room, but it would at least eliminate my brain's inability to decide what to pay attention to.
They aren't new to posting, just don't post often. They have a couple of posts from 2 years ago.
irishrose22 - The OP is new to the forums and apparently hasn't noted that there would have been more appropriate places to post this.
The Forum search leaves a lot to be desired. At a minimum it would be nice if you could search just the Topics vs the topics and replies. With Forum newbies, that may not matter regardless. I think I posted inappropriately my first time too ;-)
As for the question, we tend to do either ourselves. We lean more towards same room because we enjoy seeing each other having fun. As for Erotic's comment, either/both of us will say something if we see something off or would prefer something else.
Can't really use Erotic's example because the Mrs likes getting pounded, but if someone were to say, try to suck her toes, the Mrs would have no problem saying that it grosses her out and to please stop. I have seen the Mrs direct guys with or without me in the room.
Mostly we do see guys in particular that cannot get/stay hard with another guy in the same room playing with their partner. For cases like that, we prefer separate room play. As for cumming too soon, I tend to have the opposite problem and seeing/hearing the Mrs having fun is more likely to make me cum faster, but that's still going to be at least 10 mins or more.
Also, why is this subject in the 3some forums?
We do both same and separate rooms. I don't think I prefer one or the other at this point, both have their pros/cons.
This is the way we prefer to play.
With people in the same room or same bed, you lose focus on the person you are with.
When you are alone with another person, you can react to that person's desires.
Imagine this . . .
Your wife hates to be POUNDED for hours. The guy she is with likes to pound for hours because he can't come.
How is that handled with 4 in the same room? Well, you and the other woman are done, and then what? Go get food? Get popcorn and watch the show. Go to another room and watch a movie? You, as her husband know that she hates that. Would you tell the guy, "You are done?" Would you be too embarrassed to do that?
Now, imagine you are in separate rooms. Your wife will tell the guy, let's change positions, 'I am getting sore,' 'You are done!'
It is a lot easier to do that when you are with someone else than in a room with 4.
When you are separate it is a lot easier to learn when the woman is ready. Some women are ready when you say HI! Some women are not. It is a lot more liberating being in separate rooms with people than it is together with your spouse next to you having sex with someone else.
Welcome.. yes we all think about it. Relax , take your time in foreplay concentrating on her every which way.. and enjoy the moment and time.
Swinging well over 30 years now and yes some have had oops moments ( even today) and say gee you got me so excited I feel like a kid again.. round 2 and 3 coming up.
Then after a while all join in one room its especially hot watching her the sights , sounds, smells of sex wow!
We are keen to do it. We've ended up playing separately in different rooms at house parties and in clubs etc... but not in a situation where we host another couple. We want to. We both feel like we'll be able to be more intimate, vulnerable and freaky without judgement as weird as that sounds. We can't wait, but I get really excited and I know I'm going to cum way too quickly. Anybody else ever worry like the guy in the other room will go for an hour and I'm recharging for the 3rd time? Would still be hot but something on my mind.
